Snowverreaction II - The Return

[robcutforth]

It is that time of year again when the English show just what blouse wearing pansies they are.

Don’t get me wrong, this is not like last year when they went barmy over a couple inches that was melted by noon, Oh no, this year they actually got what could be classed as a snowfall. Not quite a Blizzard as the media likes to call it, but in some places, they’ve received a couple feet over the past week. Not too bad, actually.
Did the (apparently famous) British stiff upper lip come into play, you ask? Did it, fuck.

A few of the stories:

Snow brings another day of chaos
Motorists TRAPPED
Even murder cases not important enough to brave the conditions for
Heathrow closed, London buses stop running

Not even the Blitz stopped the buses running, but a foot of snow... RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!

There are many stories of people taking advantage of it by sledding and having snowball fights etc, but most news outlets show people whinging about not being able to get to work because the roads are so bad. Only the bloody British would complain about getting a snow day.

One of the best letters I read was in the Metro the other day from a foreign worker responding to all the protectionist "British jobs for British people" bullshit strikes that are going on at the minute. It read, "I hope there are enough Scandinavians, Poles and Canadian immigrants around to keep Britain moving in a few inches of snow". Too fucking right.

One of the funniest things I read was the following letter sent out to a friend of mine from his Health and Safety Advisor. Yes, you heard me right, Health and Safety Advisor. Can you believe that there are actually people paid to do this job, FULL TIME?! What do they do all day? My guess is their main job is to tut people when they stub a toe on the photocopier. All the while pointing to the massive "WATCH OUT, DANGEROUS TOE STUBBING AREA. BE VIGILANT!" sign they plastered to the side of it the week prior.

This letter is for real. It is not a pisstake and it was written without even a thimble full of irony. I’ve obviously removed names to protect the pans... I mean innocent. I warn you, it is very long...

Hi everyone, [name removed], [company removed] H&S advisor here,

I just wanted to share with you some simple tips for driving during these inclement times. These tips are based on my training in defensive driving in snowy conditions in Bavaria, Norway and Canada and should help you if you apply them. Your journey, no matter how short or long (try and avoid long trips if possible, especially if you are travelling alone) should be given thorough consideration, and for the want of a better description they should be carried out with military precision and in phases. So here goes:

1. Before you venture out of the house, take stock of the conditions, take regular looks out of the windows around the house to see what is going on, on the roads and listen out for travel bulletins on the radio and T.V. Check the internet, the major motoring agencies offer great advice: www.theaa.co.uk and www.rac.co.uk. Plan your journey and give yourself more time to get to your destination.


2. I always put the kettle and some toast on, then put some warm clothes on and go outside to start the car up (if you have a garage that isn’t full of bric-a-brac you can miss out this section of advice). If the car is diesel, put the keys in the ignition and turn until the dashboard lights come on, once the ignition system light has gone out (you can damage the starting mechanism if you go the full hog straight away with diesel engines in sub zero conditions) then turn the key to start up the engine. Flick the screen clearer on half blast and turn on the rear window de-mister.
    
3. Outside the car, clear the windscreen and the vents that draw in air for cooling and screen clearing. Once you’ve done that lean back inside the car and turn the de-mister to full blast.
    
4. Outside once again; if your bonnet and roof are covered in a thick layer of snow, take a broom to them and sweep it off. If you don’t there will come a point in your journey (if you are able to gain any real momentum/speed) when the snow will be forced/slide onto your windscreen, causing visual impairment to you and ultimately will become a flying missile for people in the vehicles behind you.
    
5. Clean your mirrors, headlamps and indicators of ice, and give the number plate a rub down so that it is visible, many people are unaware that a dirty number plate and lights is a contravention of the highway code and is thus a road traffic violation, that can be summarily dealt with by a spot fine and penalty points. Clear the wheel arches of compacted snow, if you don’t you will experiences difficulties on corners and with general manoeuvres.


6. Now back into the house; butter and eat your toast, food provides energy that will sustain you in the cold. Have a warm drink and if you have one, make up a flask of tea/coffee or even hot water (for soups). Make up and keep in the car some emergency rations. Take out with you some fresh water and rations every day. Put the following items in a plastic bag and take them on the journey with you. When you arrive at your destination take them inside, otherwise they will get cold and frozen and you won’t be able to use them when the need arises. Spare underwear; socks, a thick jumper or similar; a blanket or two even a sleeping bag; some gloves; a hat and scarf. Pack a small bag of toiletries including loo roll. Put some food in a bag, preferably high fibre energy items, include some chocolate, nuts etc (please don’t include any items of food that you have a known allergy to). If you are on any medication take more than a days supply with you (in truth it is preferable that you don’t travel). You should have the following items in your car, a Hi-visibility vest, gloves, spade/digging tool, warning triangle and some candles and a torch with spare batteries. ENSURE YOUR MOBILE PHONE IS FULLY CHARGED.
    
7. Now you may feel like you are ready to conquer Mt Everest, put your warm clothes on again and layer up.

On the roads:

DO:

• ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS drive within your capabilities


• Test your brakes very early in the journey and regularly throughout, remember to do this without putting others at risk, don’t hammer the brakes down, be gentle with them, your wheels could lock and you will lose control of the car.


• Give more than normal notice of a manoeuvre with your indicators (this might be the first time some of you have used them since passing your test!!!!).


• ALWAYS keep your distance, in fact a good rule of thumb is to double the spacing guidance given in the highway code for normal road conditions.


• Maintain vigilance at all times, other road users may do abnormal things and their vehicles may slew on icy bends etc or at junctions.


• Allow more time for a journey.


• Use your gears sensibly, try not to wheel spin (usually caused by excessive revving up), be gentle, don’t rush and if the car starts to slide, take your foot of the accelerator.

DON’T:

• Take unnecessary journeys.


• Drive at excessive speeds.


• Brake suddenly.


• Make sudden changes of mind, if you have committed to a manoeuvre and it is safe to complete, do so, it is generally far better to drive a few hundred extra metres up the road and turn around then to suddenly change direction that might cause others to react without considering their actions and thus cause an accident.


• Overtake unless it is absolutely 101% safe to do so, if you do then make sure you give adequate warning and be prepared to drop back if confronted by on-coming traffic.


• Get out of the car on the drivers side, especially on busy roads, exit via the passenger door to avoid collisions, remember the roads will be narrower with banks of snow and there is an increased risk of you and your vehicle being side swiped by people driving too close and too fast.


• I hope this mammoth email helps those of you who haven’t driven in these conditions before, and that it reminds everyone else of the basics.

Regards and safe driving

[name removed]
H&S Advisor.

I love how he takes the time to remind people not to take food that they have an allergy to. I am so in the wrong line of work.