My life as it is these days narrated by Robby
So I'm bored and the only thing I can think of to do atm is to update my LJ... I guess I'll give somewhat of an update on my life, just in case someone other than Rebecca reads this...
I guess I'm not doing as bad as a few weeks ago, I can't really tell... The emotions, the crying, and the epiphanies sort of meld together these days. Still with Rebecca, don't really see any other options right now, I still Love her. The whole getting over her thing didn't work out too well as some of you allready know. I'm not happy, but at least I'm not miserable with the current arrangement. She wants to do her own thing with her best friend, Tubby (Her birth-given name is Kim but who cares), and date me along the way. The arrangement would be she lives with Tubby here in Beaverton maybe, depending on whether or not Tubby is ok with it. We would both work and go to school and what not, and try and make time for each other, with seperate jobs and schooling and stuff. I personally won't go for that, since I know people with busy schedules have a hard enough time seeing each other, sometimes even living together. Not just that, I would also have to be squeezed in between shows that she goes to and her friends and family, which aren't really Robby fans. So I'm trying to figure out what I feel and want, but that option is defenetly not at the top of the list. I'd be kidding myself if I said I could last a year (the term of Tubby and Rebecca's most-likely lease) living in that sort of relationship. Maybe if it was a stable relationship to begin with, but this relationship was having a hard time as it was, and going back to dating and putting said obstacles in the way, is just a nice way of killing it in my opinion. So as far as that aspect of my life, I'm sorta stuck trying to figure out what the fuck I'm doing and if the likely happens, moving on with my life. It's funny, because I had met this nice girl Elyse, that was totally down for helping me through it, and I pushed her off because I'm in such a desperate need of Rebecca, and now Rebecca and Elyse are fuckin buddies as you can tell from the last entry, and so Elyse helping me through anything is completely out of the question, in fact she's watching out for Rebecca more than me. But enough of that whole thing... my weekend was pretty crazy, started out nice, got some booze on friday and planned a get-together on Saturday with Ben, Elyse, Rebecca, and whoever else showed up (ended up being noone else). But that ended horribly, I got pissed the second I saw Rebecca sometime that night because as soon as I see her I think of all the things she's done to me and continues to do and I just get in a bad mood. I try to push those feelings down, and continue on with the night. We arrive at my apartment, start drinking, and 3 minutes into it Rebecca's either sloshed of her ass, or pretending to be... in any case, it annoys the fuck out of me cuz everyone is sober and Rebecca is acting like an idiot, so I start being dickish, start drama, continue drama, end drama, long story short I'm mad, Rebecca starts going off on me saying the usual nasty things that come out of her mouth, I lose it and punch a giant hole in the wall, pushing in a lightswitch, and denting the corner of the wall, also hurting the hell out of my arm. I swelled up like a bitch and it hurt like a bastard all of the next couple of days. Now all that remains is a nasty bruise on my arm and chunks of wall and socket on the floor near the hole. Mind you I'm not a violent person, and the only reason I did that was because I had so much anger and hate in me towards Rebecca that I had to let it out somehow, and if there is one thing that I can say I will never do in my life, is lay a hand on a woman, so I hit the next closest thing, the wall next to me. After that whole episode, just hung out and got high on sunday with Tyler, some kid I met on the bus who's in a band, and that leads to today, Monday... Got off work a bit ago, bored and depressed, nothing to do, nothing to really look forward to, and now I gotta think of something else to do, because this pretty much took up all the time it possibly could, not that it matters because I can hardly get a real point across on this thing, I have to censor myself in fear that Rebecca will read something that'll make her break up with me or Elyse might read something that'll make her not wanna talk to me, etc... LJ entry done.
I guess I'm not doing as bad as a few weeks ago, I can't really tell... The emotions, the crying, and the epiphanies sort of meld together these days. Still with Rebecca, don't really see any other options right now, I still Love her. The whole getting over her thing didn't work out too well as some of you allready know. I'm not happy, but at least I'm not miserable with the current arrangement. She wants to do her own thing with her best friend, Tubby (Her birth-given name is Kim but who cares), and date me along the way. The arrangement would be she lives with Tubby here in Beaverton maybe, depending on whether or not Tubby is ok with it. We would both work and go to school and what not, and try and make time for each other, with seperate jobs and schooling and stuff. I personally won't go for that, since I know people with busy schedules have a hard enough time seeing each other, sometimes even living together. Not just that, I would also have to be squeezed in between shows that she goes to and her friends and family, which aren't really Robby fans. So I'm trying to figure out what I feel and want, but that option is defenetly not at the top of the list. I'd be kidding myself if I said I could last a year (the term of Tubby and Rebecca's most-likely lease) living in that sort of relationship. Maybe if it was a stable relationship to begin with, but this relationship was having a hard time as it was, and going back to dating and putting said obstacles in the way, is just a nice way of killing it in my opinion. So as far as that aspect of my life, I'm sorta stuck trying to figure out what the fuck I'm doing and if the likely happens, moving on with my life. It's funny, because I had met this nice girl Elyse, that was totally down for helping me through it, and I pushed her off because I'm in such a desperate need of Rebecca, and now Rebecca and Elyse are fuckin buddies as you can tell from the last entry, and so Elyse helping me through anything is completely out of the question, in fact she's watching out for Rebecca more than me. But enough of that whole thing... my weekend was pretty crazy, started out nice, got some booze on friday and planned a get-together on Saturday with Ben, Elyse, Rebecca, and whoever else showed up (ended up being noone else). But that ended horribly, I got pissed the second I saw Rebecca sometime that night because as soon as I see her I think of all the things she's done to me and continues to do and I just get in a bad mood. I try to push those feelings down, and continue on with the night. We arrive at my apartment, start drinking, and 3 minutes into it Rebecca's either sloshed of her ass, or pretending to be... in any case, it annoys the fuck out of me cuz everyone is sober and Rebecca is acting like an idiot, so I start being dickish, start drama, continue drama, end drama, long story short I'm mad, Rebecca starts going off on me saying the usual nasty things that come out of her mouth, I lose it and punch a giant hole in the wall, pushing in a lightswitch, and denting the corner of the wall, also hurting the hell out of my arm. I swelled up like a bitch and it hurt like a bastard all of the next couple of days. Now all that remains is a nasty bruise on my arm and chunks of wall and socket on the floor near the hole. Mind you I'm not a violent person, and the only reason I did that was because I had so much anger and hate in me towards Rebecca that I had to let it out somehow, and if there is one thing that I can say I will never do in my life, is lay a hand on a woman, so I hit the next closest thing, the wall next to me. After that whole episode, just hung out and got high on sunday with Tyler, some kid I met on the bus who's in a band, and that leads to today, Monday... Got off work a bit ago, bored and depressed, nothing to do, nothing to really look forward to, and now I gotta think of something else to do, because this pretty much took up all the time it possibly could, not that it matters because I can hardly get a real point across on this thing, I have to censor myself in fear that Rebecca will read something that'll make her break up with me or Elyse might read something that'll make her not wanna talk to me, etc... LJ entry done.