Random Chance Seems To Have Operated In Our Favor.
Right now, old-school Spock is weeping on my TV, and it's kind of wrong how hot Nimoy looks while doing it. Oh, Trek, how I've missed you! It's definitely making me forget that my breathing is all out of whack today because of some stupid asthma/weather-related mishap.
So I tried my hand at writing leupagus's OT3, which is Steve/Danny/Bickering, but it ended up being Steve & Danny with a lot of bickering on the side. I seem to have a mental block when writing these two having sex together, which is irritating since my eventual dream is to write them all in an orgy of epic proportions. (Except not really because I am lazycakes.)
Anyway, this is 3,509 gen words about Steve and Danny being platonically married for leupagus and alexandriabrown. Kono is just for me. I apologize in advance for all the terrible jokes you'll be subjected to.
Same As It Ever Was
Steve isn't exactly sure when he ended up married to Danny -- he thinks that maybe it was around the time he let the guy into his house at seven in the morning and didn't kill him for leaving malasada crumbs all over his laptop, in which case, this is somehow all Danny's fault -- but he's pretty sure he wasn't consulted on whether it should happen or not.
It's not that he doesn't like Danny and enjoy the special bond that they share when they aren't threatening to punch each other in the dick and arguing over SOPs (Miranda rights vs. dangling suspects off the building, calm negotiation vs. a punch in the face, proper interrogation techniques vs. throwing someone to the sharks) and why Steve has an honest-to-God aversion to following the rules (he doesn't, he just doesn't think they're as vitally important as Danny thinks they are), but he just isn't comfortable with another human being in his personal space as much as Danny has been since he'd met him. If someone is that in his face all the time, they're either usually kissing him or pointing a gun at him, and Danny most emphatically does not fall into any one of these categories. Usually, when he's in Steve's face, it's to tell him how wrong, wrong, wrong Steve is, and this is not how cops do things, and somehow, it all ends up coming back to the fact that Steve is a delusional fuckhead who think he's invincible and Danny was better off getting shot at by gangs in Newark because it was safer.
Steve's pretty sure he should be insulted, but most of the time when Danny's yelling at him and waving his hands around like he's conducting an angry orchestra, he pretends to hear all the arguments in Daffy Duck's voice, which makes everything just that much more amusing and pisses Danny off even further. Hey, a guy's got to take his fun where he can get it.
So anyway, the married thing, the thing that has somehow snuck up on him, ninja-style, and completely changed his life, he thinks it starts with his house. More specifically, giving Danny the key to his house. It's not actually a big deal for Danny to have the key because the guy really only comes over every once in a while to drink Steve's beer and host discussions on New Jersey culture, specifically why Jersey culture totally trumps everything Hawaii has to offer.
("Pizza and beer," Danny says smugly, his face all scrunched up and pleased like he knows he's got the upper hand in this, and Steve's starting to remember why he put the guy in an arm-lock when he first met him.
"Ham and pineapple are real top--"
Danny makes the buzzer noise just to aggravate him, Steve knows this. "Sorry, Dolores, but that's the wrong answer. The right answer is that ham and pineapple on pizza are an abomination--"
"Abomination?" Steve raises an eyebrow at the hyperbole.
"Abomination," Danny repeats emphatically, using his hands to sketch out just how big of an abomination it is, "of epic proportions, okay? Epic. Meat, sauce, cheese, why is that so hard for you guys?"
Steve lets out a disbelieving sound. "Okay, so. What exactly has New Jersey given the world that has made it a better place? Something, or someone, that we just can't live without."
"I can name three," Danny says proudly, holding up three possibly drunk fingers at him. "And," he narrows his eyes at Steve, "you don't bring up 'Jersey Shore' on the pain of death."
Steve deflates a little. "Fine, just name one."
"The William Carlos Williams Center."
Steve gives him a dubious look. "What's it do?"
"What do you mean what's it--" Danny somehow manages to express his outrage through flailing hands without spilling his beer. It's impressive. "--it's a center. It has live theaters and cinemas and--"
"Boring. Pick something else."
"I hate you," Danny sighs, tiredly running his fingers through his ridiculous hair. "I mean, what do you even want as an example? We've got museums and theaters and the Inventors Hall of Fame. We've got farms, for Christ's sake."
Steve makes a vague gesture that he means as 'expand on that' and Danny probably interprets as 'I have a nervous twitch that you should mock' because that's usually how these discussions go. "How about something I've actually heard of in the last five years?" he finally asks when Danny just gives him the hairy eyeball.
Danny is quiet for a minute as he thinks it over, and just as Steve is about to call him on the fact that he clearly doesn't have an answer, he lets out a victorious sound and says, "Jon Stewart."
Steve thinks about that. "Okay," he finally says, mostly because he's too drunk and tired to continue this argument and all the ways that this is totally cheating. He instead sighs and says, "I'll give you that one," and doesn't give Danny the finger for his shit-eating grin.)
Sometimes, they also have heartfelt discussions on Steve's psychological issues, which makes Steve drink defensively and get progressively drunker until he can't remember his own name, let alone all the reasons why Danny is utterly wrong-headed and also a bastard, but that's beside the point. The point is that Danny generally comes over to Steve's place to keep Steve company, drink his beer, and have conversations on everything from weapons tactics to childhood cartoon heroes to why they really shouldn't ogle Kono when she's in her bikini, which has everything to do with the fact that she can, and will, kick their asses, and absolutely nothing to do with Chin's death glare. Honestly.
Which, you know, Steve likes and all. Despite what everyone thinks, he's not a fucking robot; he likes having a partner who sort of gets him and hangs out to shoot the shit with him and generally worries about his safety and well-being. He's just. It's just a little weird that he does all this stuff with Danny and likes it. He hadn't thought he'd be the kind of guy who'd have beers with his partner at his house and take him and his daughter out to the beach on their days off and straighten the guy's tie when he notices that it's crooked, but apparently he is.
Although really, it's not like they could have these discussions at Danny's apartment because Danny's apartment is a rat-infested shithole and no one should live there. The only reason that Danny lives there is because his ex-wife cleaned him out in the divorce and Hawaiian real estate is not cheap, and because Steve has not yet found a way to work "Why don't you come live at my house until you find a better apartment?" into a conversation without sounding like he's offering a lifetime commitment and matching Hawaiian shirts. Danny would just give him endless shit for even offering in the first place, for acting as if Danny couldn't take care of himself, and he gets enough shit from Danny as it is.
Still, he looks at real estate magazines for reasonable apartment rates and cheap houses when no one's around. Look, just because the guy's a pain in the ass doesn't mean that Steve won't watch out for him. He's Steve's partner, after all.
The other married thing that he's started noticing that they do -- besides all the arguing, which is superfluous at this point because arguing is their main form of communication and has been since they met -- is tasting each other's food. Again, nothing really big and life-changing, but Steve notices that Danny will try something if Steve shoves a forkful of it at him, and Steve tends to just pick stuff off Danny's plate if it looks intriguing enough. Danny never objects to any of it, just tries the thing that Steve urges him to try, reluctantly admits that it's really good, and then talks about something case-related while Steve eats off of Danny's plate and reasonably, he thinks, points out all the flaws in Danny's logic.
He doesn't realize how bad it's gotten until he takes Chin and Kono out for breakfast after a particularly grueling all-nighter. Chin is a wreck from the lack of sleep and the stress of dealing with the law enforcement side of his family, all of whom are still freezing him out for the mere idea of him being a dirty cop while Kono walks around looking angry and brittle, pissed on his behalf and snapping at anyone who dares to fuck with either of them. Even Danny's quiet, his eyes rimmed with red from 22 hours of no sleep and his hair a wild mess around his face. So Steve decides that they need pancakes and hot coffee, and takes them to a local breakfast place that, despite the kitschy tiki bar at the front, serves the best breakfast, guaranteed.
They're on their third cup of coffee, quietly discussing the case and what equipment they need to run their op, when their breakfasts come and everyone tucks in. Danny makes a face at the turkey bacon on his plate and pushes it over to Steve. "Here, you eat that." He shakes his head as Steve takes a bite out of the strip and makes a 'mmm-mmm' sound just to annoy him. "That is just wrong on so many levels."
Chin smiles faintly, popping a grape from his fruit bowl into his mouth as he watches Steve torment Danny. "I think it's just the one level, Danny."
"Bacon," Danny says seriously, "is sacred. And you do not debase the sacred by making it with turkey."
Kono looks at Danny like he's lost his mind. "It's just pork, dude," she says carefully, but she's also grinning, and for that alone, Steve is grateful to Danny for his weird food issues. "Do you worship at the altar of bacon or what?"
Danny smiles and ducks his head, tacitly acknowledging that he's being ridiculous, and the whole gesture is absurdly endearing to Steve, which of course makes him uncomfortable. "I'm just saying," Danny tells Kono as she sips her coffee and tries not to laugh at his earnestness, "some shit you do not mess with, and bacon is one of those things. It's perfect the way it is. Why make it fancy and healthy when it's not supposed to be?"
"You have issues, Danno," Steve sighs, cutting off a piece of pancake and shoving it in Danny's face until he eats it, smiling when Danny makes a low, appreciative noise and nods his head in approval. He totally misses the surprised looks that Chin and Kono shoot at each other, too busy gloating at another instance of him being right around Danny. "Told you," he crows as he shovels another forkful in his mouth, "best breakfast on the island."
Danny licks the syrup off the corner of his mouth and uses his napkin to clean up his face. "Yeah, yeah," he says dismissively, making a flapping hand gesture at Steve just to needle him, "you guys can do breakfast right, I'll admit that much."
"Um," Kono says inarticulately, and everyone turns to look at her. Her mouth is half-open and she can't seem to stop looking at Steve like he's a pod person and she's only just realized it.
"What?" Steve asks defensively, touching various parts of his face on the off-chance that he has something on there and that's why Kono is staring at him so intently. "Do I have something on me?"
Chin makes a face like he knows how painful this subject is going to be and doesn't want to have any part in it, but is doing it anyway because it's necessary. "It's just," he starts and stops, his hands flexing uneasily as he tries to find the right words. "The thing with the pancakes--"
Danny squints over at Chin like he's trying to read between the lines. "What?"
If anything, Chin looks even more uncomfortable. "It's a little--"
Danny makes an encouraging gesture with his hands, an intrigued yet hesitant look on his face, like he know the odds of this conversation and how they're never in his favor. "A little?"
"You know," Chin says vaguely, and Steve gets the feeling that right now, Chin would rather be facing a bullet than the curious look on Danny's face. "The thing. With the thing."
"Ohhhh, the thing," Danny says mockingly, shaking his head and staring daggers at Chin, like he can get the answer out of him if he just stares hard enough. "Why didn't you just-- what fucking thing are you talking about, Chin?"
"Are you two sleeping together?" Kono finally blurts out, her hand pressed against her mouth like she can't believe she just asked that. Chin just closes his eyes and looks pained, like he's trapped in some awkward, hellish comedy, possibly starring Will Ferrell, and can't find his way out again.
"What?" Steve squeaks out, feeling like he's been kicked in the balls by that question. "No!"
"Him?" Danny asks incredulously, jerking his thumb over at Steve. "Do I look like I'm a masochist? No, never, not him."
Steve nods emphatically. "Right, we are not-- wait," he turns to Danny and glares at him, "what do you mean not me? What's wrong with me?"
"Where do I even start?" Danny laughs.
Steve feels a vein in his temple pulse and just knows that this won't be a good conversation, but he also knows that he won't be able to stop himself from having it because that's just the way it is with Danny. It's a sickness, it really is. "You would be lucky to be with me."
Danny raises his eyebrows in disbelief. "Excuse me, what?" he asks skeptically. "I would be lucky? I would be lucky? You would be lucky, jackass," he says loudly, pointing an accusing finger at Steve. "I would make an amazing boyfriend."
"Oh, please," Steve snorts, which just sets Danny off even more.
"I cook," he argues, holding up his fingers as he ticks off each point, "I clean, I'm good with kids, I am a responsible, mature adult, I am great in bed, I obey the law--"
Steve makes a rude sound and waves off Danny's objections. "Right," he says in a bored tone, "because you always want to talk about how boring and safe you are when you're on a date."
"It's better to be boring and safe than completely psychotic and proud of it. And it's definitely better than actually poking someone's bullet wound and throwing guys to the sharks," Danny points out sharply.
Chin's head snaps around to Steve. "What?" he asks flatly, and Steve waves him off, glaring at Danny.
"Tourist cage," he says quickly, feeling the back of his neck flush with dull heat when Chin gives him a look that says he should know better. "He was never in any real danger," he adds petulantly when Chin sighs.
"You're a danger to me," Danny yells, and Steve thinks that he officially lost control of this entire conversation right about the time Danny started yelling loud enough to make the entire restaurant rubberneck at their table. He looks over at Chin, who looks like he desperately wants to disavow any knowledge of them, and Kono, who looks like she's on the verge of laughing herself sick.
"I think breakfast is done," he sighs while Danny is still listing all the ways that Steve has put his life in danger (and really, the airduct thing was nowhere nearly as bad as Danny is making it out to be, they got out safe, didn't they?) and waving his hands around like he's trying to flag someone down.
"Definitely done," Chin says, that uncomfortable 'oh God, oh God, why me?' look still on his face.
Kono has her knuckle jammed in her mouth like it's all that's keeping her from losing it spectacularly in front of him. "Boss?" Steve ignores her, but she refuses to stop. "Commander? Sir? McGarrett?"
Steve sighs and steels himself for the worst. "Yes, Kono?"
She leans forward and puts her hand on his arm, patting him gently. "I think you and Danny make a lovely couple."
"You're not funny, Kono," he says seriously, watching her with disapproval as she dissolves into laughter, sinking down in her seat and leaning against Chin's shoulder while she muffles her howls of amusement. "At all. And that is not at all appropriate behavior for an officer of the law--"
Danny stops his ranting long enough to look at Kono. "What's her deal?" he asks curiously, his ire abated for now.
Chin shrugs. "She's tired," he says insincerely, looking like he doesn't really give a shit as long as he gets to leave. "We all are." He silently begs Steve to let them go home, and Steve nods because it really has been a long shift and they could use a day off.
Chin drags Kono out of there so fast, he's surprised they don't leave dust clouds, and breakfast is pretty much done after that. Steve pays and Danny drives Steve home, still arguing over the more esoteric points of law that Steve continually flouts, before carrying him up to his bed and dumping him there for the day. Steve doesn't think anything of it until the next day when they're back on shift where everyone asks him about Danny and how he's doing and are he and Steve okay and hey, how long have you been together?
"Kono," he yells, and she shows up, looking completely unrepentant.
"Yeah, boss?"
"Did you tell everyone that me and Danny--?
"Danny and I," she corrects primly, and he feels like he should be irritated with her, but she looks entirely too pleased with herself and he stupidly has a thing for her, so he just shuts up and lets her talk. "And anyway," she adds more seriously, "I didn't tell them that you were dating, I just said you were in a relationship with each other."
"But we're not."
"Yes, you are," she frowns at him. "He's your partner, that's a relationship."
"Yeah, but." He take a deep breath before his voice reaches a register that's supersonic. "That's not how everyone's going to look at it," he finally says.
Kono lets out a dismissive snort. "So? Fuck what everyone else thinks. Since when do you give a shit about office rumors? And anyway, you're never going to convince anyone that you're not a couple when you keep doing couple-y things together."
"Like what?"
She gives him a look. "Seriously? You're gonna stand there and ask me that after breakfast yesterday?"
He shifts uncomfortably in his spot. "That's--"
"Couple-y," she says sweetly. "I know."
He wants to argue with her, with all of them, tell them that he and Danny aren't together (God, they're not even each other's type), but between the arguing, the house, and the food thing, Steve isn't sure he has a case to make. They may not be fucking, but they're definitely in a relationship at this point. And hey, it's healthier than most of Steve's past relationships. At least they communicate more than he did with his last girlfriend.
"Why do I never get to win any arguments?" he bitches, making a face when she laughs and walks out of the room, making Steve clench his teeth against all the naked thoughts he has of her that Chin will gut him for having if he ever finds out.
So fine, he's married to Danny and everyone knows it. He's married to Danny and they're not having sex and fighting over everything, so it's exactly like a real marriage. And he maybe likes that he has this guy at his side who fights with him and for him and yells at him and takes care of him and lets him into his life and his daughter's life without any second thoughts. So maybe it's not such a bad thing being married to Danny, no matter how much they disavow any kind of affection for each other and no matter how often Danny threatens to beat him in Morse code as a way to improve their communication skills.
So when Danny comes in holding one of his shirts and says, "You left this in my car after that quick-change on the case with the guy doing that thing," Steve resigns himself to the fact that everyone in the office thinks that he and Danny are a couple, that they're not entirely wrong, and that he likes it a lot more than he should. He just grabs his shirt, throws in the drawer, grabs his keys, and drags Danny off to another case, thinking that at least he gets stability with this relationship.
And hey, maybe one day, they can get drunk enough and make an attempt at the sex thing. How much of a disaster could it really be anyway?
And now, lunch!
So I tried my hand at writing leupagus's OT3, which is Steve/Danny/Bickering, but it ended up being Steve & Danny with a lot of bickering on the side. I seem to have a mental block when writing these two having sex together, which is irritating since my eventual dream is to write them all in an orgy of epic proportions. (Except not really because I am lazycakes.)
Anyway, this is 3,509 gen words about Steve and Danny being platonically married for leupagus and alexandriabrown. Kono is just for me. I apologize in advance for all the terrible jokes you'll be subjected to.
Same As It Ever Was
Steve isn't exactly sure when he ended up married to Danny -- he thinks that maybe it was around the time he let the guy into his house at seven in the morning and didn't kill him for leaving malasada crumbs all over his laptop, in which case, this is somehow all Danny's fault -- but he's pretty sure he wasn't consulted on whether it should happen or not.
It's not that he doesn't like Danny and enjoy the special bond that they share when they aren't threatening to punch each other in the dick and arguing over SOPs (Miranda rights vs. dangling suspects off the building, calm negotiation vs. a punch in the face, proper interrogation techniques vs. throwing someone to the sharks) and why Steve has an honest-to-God aversion to following the rules (he doesn't, he just doesn't think they're as vitally important as Danny thinks they are), but he just isn't comfortable with another human being in his personal space as much as Danny has been since he'd met him. If someone is that in his face all the time, they're either usually kissing him or pointing a gun at him, and Danny most emphatically does not fall into any one of these categories. Usually, when he's in Steve's face, it's to tell him how wrong, wrong, wrong Steve is, and this is not how cops do things, and somehow, it all ends up coming back to the fact that Steve is a delusional fuckhead who think he's invincible and Danny was better off getting shot at by gangs in Newark because it was safer.
Steve's pretty sure he should be insulted, but most of the time when Danny's yelling at him and waving his hands around like he's conducting an angry orchestra, he pretends to hear all the arguments in Daffy Duck's voice, which makes everything just that much more amusing and pisses Danny off even further. Hey, a guy's got to take his fun where he can get it.
So anyway, the married thing, the thing that has somehow snuck up on him, ninja-style, and completely changed his life, he thinks it starts with his house. More specifically, giving Danny the key to his house. It's not actually a big deal for Danny to have the key because the guy really only comes over every once in a while to drink Steve's beer and host discussions on New Jersey culture, specifically why Jersey culture totally trumps everything Hawaii has to offer.
("Pizza and beer," Danny says smugly, his face all scrunched up and pleased like he knows he's got the upper hand in this, and Steve's starting to remember why he put the guy in an arm-lock when he first met him.
"Ham and pineapple are real top--"
Danny makes the buzzer noise just to aggravate him, Steve knows this. "Sorry, Dolores, but that's the wrong answer. The right answer is that ham and pineapple on pizza are an abomination--"
"Abomination?" Steve raises an eyebrow at the hyperbole.
"Abomination," Danny repeats emphatically, using his hands to sketch out just how big of an abomination it is, "of epic proportions, okay? Epic. Meat, sauce, cheese, why is that so hard for you guys?"
Steve lets out a disbelieving sound. "Okay, so. What exactly has New Jersey given the world that has made it a better place? Something, or someone, that we just can't live without."
"I can name three," Danny says proudly, holding up three possibly drunk fingers at him. "And," he narrows his eyes at Steve, "you don't bring up 'Jersey Shore' on the pain of death."
Steve deflates a little. "Fine, just name one."
"The William Carlos Williams Center."
Steve gives him a dubious look. "What's it do?"
"What do you mean what's it--" Danny somehow manages to express his outrage through flailing hands without spilling his beer. It's impressive. "--it's a center. It has live theaters and cinemas and--"
"Boring. Pick something else."
"I hate you," Danny sighs, tiredly running his fingers through his ridiculous hair. "I mean, what do you even want as an example? We've got museums and theaters and the Inventors Hall of Fame. We've got farms, for Christ's sake."
Steve makes a vague gesture that he means as 'expand on that' and Danny probably interprets as 'I have a nervous twitch that you should mock' because that's usually how these discussions go. "How about something I've actually heard of in the last five years?" he finally asks when Danny just gives him the hairy eyeball.
Danny is quiet for a minute as he thinks it over, and just as Steve is about to call him on the fact that he clearly doesn't have an answer, he lets out a victorious sound and says, "Jon Stewart."
Steve thinks about that. "Okay," he finally says, mostly because he's too drunk and tired to continue this argument and all the ways that this is totally cheating. He instead sighs and says, "I'll give you that one," and doesn't give Danny the finger for his shit-eating grin.)
Sometimes, they also have heartfelt discussions on Steve's psychological issues, which makes Steve drink defensively and get progressively drunker until he can't remember his own name, let alone all the reasons why Danny is utterly wrong-headed and also a bastard, but that's beside the point. The point is that Danny generally comes over to Steve's place to keep Steve company, drink his beer, and have conversations on everything from weapons tactics to childhood cartoon heroes to why they really shouldn't ogle Kono when she's in her bikini, which has everything to do with the fact that she can, and will, kick their asses, and absolutely nothing to do with Chin's death glare. Honestly.
Which, you know, Steve likes and all. Despite what everyone thinks, he's not a fucking robot; he likes having a partner who sort of gets him and hangs out to shoot the shit with him and generally worries about his safety and well-being. He's just. It's just a little weird that he does all this stuff with Danny and likes it. He hadn't thought he'd be the kind of guy who'd have beers with his partner at his house and take him and his daughter out to the beach on their days off and straighten the guy's tie when he notices that it's crooked, but apparently he is.
Although really, it's not like they could have these discussions at Danny's apartment because Danny's apartment is a rat-infested shithole and no one should live there. The only reason that Danny lives there is because his ex-wife cleaned him out in the divorce and Hawaiian real estate is not cheap, and because Steve has not yet found a way to work "Why don't you come live at my house until you find a better apartment?" into a conversation without sounding like he's offering a lifetime commitment and matching Hawaiian shirts. Danny would just give him endless shit for even offering in the first place, for acting as if Danny couldn't take care of himself, and he gets enough shit from Danny as it is.
Still, he looks at real estate magazines for reasonable apartment rates and cheap houses when no one's around. Look, just because the guy's a pain in the ass doesn't mean that Steve won't watch out for him. He's Steve's partner, after all.
The other married thing that he's started noticing that they do -- besides all the arguing, which is superfluous at this point because arguing is their main form of communication and has been since they met -- is tasting each other's food. Again, nothing really big and life-changing, but Steve notices that Danny will try something if Steve shoves a forkful of it at him, and Steve tends to just pick stuff off Danny's plate if it looks intriguing enough. Danny never objects to any of it, just tries the thing that Steve urges him to try, reluctantly admits that it's really good, and then talks about something case-related while Steve eats off of Danny's plate and reasonably, he thinks, points out all the flaws in Danny's logic.
He doesn't realize how bad it's gotten until he takes Chin and Kono out for breakfast after a particularly grueling all-nighter. Chin is a wreck from the lack of sleep and the stress of dealing with the law enforcement side of his family, all of whom are still freezing him out for the mere idea of him being a dirty cop while Kono walks around looking angry and brittle, pissed on his behalf and snapping at anyone who dares to fuck with either of them. Even Danny's quiet, his eyes rimmed with red from 22 hours of no sleep and his hair a wild mess around his face. So Steve decides that they need pancakes and hot coffee, and takes them to a local breakfast place that, despite the kitschy tiki bar at the front, serves the best breakfast, guaranteed.
They're on their third cup of coffee, quietly discussing the case and what equipment they need to run their op, when their breakfasts come and everyone tucks in. Danny makes a face at the turkey bacon on his plate and pushes it over to Steve. "Here, you eat that." He shakes his head as Steve takes a bite out of the strip and makes a 'mmm-mmm' sound just to annoy him. "That is just wrong on so many levels."
Chin smiles faintly, popping a grape from his fruit bowl into his mouth as he watches Steve torment Danny. "I think it's just the one level, Danny."
"Bacon," Danny says seriously, "is sacred. And you do not debase the sacred by making it with turkey."
Kono looks at Danny like he's lost his mind. "It's just pork, dude," she says carefully, but she's also grinning, and for that alone, Steve is grateful to Danny for his weird food issues. "Do you worship at the altar of bacon or what?"
Danny smiles and ducks his head, tacitly acknowledging that he's being ridiculous, and the whole gesture is absurdly endearing to Steve, which of course makes him uncomfortable. "I'm just saying," Danny tells Kono as she sips her coffee and tries not to laugh at his earnestness, "some shit you do not mess with, and bacon is one of those things. It's perfect the way it is. Why make it fancy and healthy when it's not supposed to be?"
"You have issues, Danno," Steve sighs, cutting off a piece of pancake and shoving it in Danny's face until he eats it, smiling when Danny makes a low, appreciative noise and nods his head in approval. He totally misses the surprised looks that Chin and Kono shoot at each other, too busy gloating at another instance of him being right around Danny. "Told you," he crows as he shovels another forkful in his mouth, "best breakfast on the island."
Danny licks the syrup off the corner of his mouth and uses his napkin to clean up his face. "Yeah, yeah," he says dismissively, making a flapping hand gesture at Steve just to needle him, "you guys can do breakfast right, I'll admit that much."
"Um," Kono says inarticulately, and everyone turns to look at her. Her mouth is half-open and she can't seem to stop looking at Steve like he's a pod person and she's only just realized it.
"What?" Steve asks defensively, touching various parts of his face on the off-chance that he has something on there and that's why Kono is staring at him so intently. "Do I have something on me?"
Chin makes a face like he knows how painful this subject is going to be and doesn't want to have any part in it, but is doing it anyway because it's necessary. "It's just," he starts and stops, his hands flexing uneasily as he tries to find the right words. "The thing with the pancakes--"
Danny squints over at Chin like he's trying to read between the lines. "What?"
If anything, Chin looks even more uncomfortable. "It's a little--"
Danny makes an encouraging gesture with his hands, an intrigued yet hesitant look on his face, like he know the odds of this conversation and how they're never in his favor. "A little?"
"You know," Chin says vaguely, and Steve gets the feeling that right now, Chin would rather be facing a bullet than the curious look on Danny's face. "The thing. With the thing."
"Ohhhh, the thing," Danny says mockingly, shaking his head and staring daggers at Chin, like he can get the answer out of him if he just stares hard enough. "Why didn't you just-- what fucking thing are you talking about, Chin?"
"Are you two sleeping together?" Kono finally blurts out, her hand pressed against her mouth like she can't believe she just asked that. Chin just closes his eyes and looks pained, like he's trapped in some awkward, hellish comedy, possibly starring Will Ferrell, and can't find his way out again.
"What?" Steve squeaks out, feeling like he's been kicked in the balls by that question. "No!"
"Him?" Danny asks incredulously, jerking his thumb over at Steve. "Do I look like I'm a masochist? No, never, not him."
Steve nods emphatically. "Right, we are not-- wait," he turns to Danny and glares at him, "what do you mean not me? What's wrong with me?"
"Where do I even start?" Danny laughs.
Steve feels a vein in his temple pulse and just knows that this won't be a good conversation, but he also knows that he won't be able to stop himself from having it because that's just the way it is with Danny. It's a sickness, it really is. "You would be lucky to be with me."
Danny raises his eyebrows in disbelief. "Excuse me, what?" he asks skeptically. "I would be lucky? I would be lucky? You would be lucky, jackass," he says loudly, pointing an accusing finger at Steve. "I would make an amazing boyfriend."
"Oh, please," Steve snorts, which just sets Danny off even more.
"I cook," he argues, holding up his fingers as he ticks off each point, "I clean, I'm good with kids, I am a responsible, mature adult, I am great in bed, I obey the law--"
Steve makes a rude sound and waves off Danny's objections. "Right," he says in a bored tone, "because you always want to talk about how boring and safe you are when you're on a date."
"It's better to be boring and safe than completely psychotic and proud of it. And it's definitely better than actually poking someone's bullet wound and throwing guys to the sharks," Danny points out sharply.
Chin's head snaps around to Steve. "What?" he asks flatly, and Steve waves him off, glaring at Danny.
"Tourist cage," he says quickly, feeling the back of his neck flush with dull heat when Chin gives him a look that says he should know better. "He was never in any real danger," he adds petulantly when Chin sighs.
"You're a danger to me," Danny yells, and Steve thinks that he officially lost control of this entire conversation right about the time Danny started yelling loud enough to make the entire restaurant rubberneck at their table. He looks over at Chin, who looks like he desperately wants to disavow any knowledge of them, and Kono, who looks like she's on the verge of laughing herself sick.
"I think breakfast is done," he sighs while Danny is still listing all the ways that Steve has put his life in danger (and really, the airduct thing was nowhere nearly as bad as Danny is making it out to be, they got out safe, didn't they?) and waving his hands around like he's trying to flag someone down.
"Definitely done," Chin says, that uncomfortable 'oh God, oh God, why me?' look still on his face.
Kono has her knuckle jammed in her mouth like it's all that's keeping her from losing it spectacularly in front of him. "Boss?" Steve ignores her, but she refuses to stop. "Commander? Sir? McGarrett?"
Steve sighs and steels himself for the worst. "Yes, Kono?"
She leans forward and puts her hand on his arm, patting him gently. "I think you and Danny make a lovely couple."
"You're not funny, Kono," he says seriously, watching her with disapproval as she dissolves into laughter, sinking down in her seat and leaning against Chin's shoulder while she muffles her howls of amusement. "At all. And that is not at all appropriate behavior for an officer of the law--"
Danny stops his ranting long enough to look at Kono. "What's her deal?" he asks curiously, his ire abated for now.
Chin shrugs. "She's tired," he says insincerely, looking like he doesn't really give a shit as long as he gets to leave. "We all are." He silently begs Steve to let them go home, and Steve nods because it really has been a long shift and they could use a day off.
Chin drags Kono out of there so fast, he's surprised they don't leave dust clouds, and breakfast is pretty much done after that. Steve pays and Danny drives Steve home, still arguing over the more esoteric points of law that Steve continually flouts, before carrying him up to his bed and dumping him there for the day. Steve doesn't think anything of it until the next day when they're back on shift where everyone asks him about Danny and how he's doing and are he and Steve okay and hey, how long have you been together?
"Kono," he yells, and she shows up, looking completely unrepentant.
"Yeah, boss?"
"Did you tell everyone that me and Danny--?
"Danny and I," she corrects primly, and he feels like he should be irritated with her, but she looks entirely too pleased with herself and he stupidly has a thing for her, so he just shuts up and lets her talk. "And anyway," she adds more seriously, "I didn't tell them that you were dating, I just said you were in a relationship with each other."
"But we're not."
"Yes, you are," she frowns at him. "He's your partner, that's a relationship."
"Yeah, but." He take a deep breath before his voice reaches a register that's supersonic. "That's not how everyone's going to look at it," he finally says.
Kono lets out a dismissive snort. "So? Fuck what everyone else thinks. Since when do you give a shit about office rumors? And anyway, you're never going to convince anyone that you're not a couple when you keep doing couple-y things together."
"Like what?"
She gives him a look. "Seriously? You're gonna stand there and ask me that after breakfast yesterday?"
He shifts uncomfortably in his spot. "That's--"
"Couple-y," she says sweetly. "I know."
He wants to argue with her, with all of them, tell them that he and Danny aren't together (God, they're not even each other's type), but between the arguing, the house, and the food thing, Steve isn't sure he has a case to make. They may not be fucking, but they're definitely in a relationship at this point. And hey, it's healthier than most of Steve's past relationships. At least they communicate more than he did with his last girlfriend.
"Why do I never get to win any arguments?" he bitches, making a face when she laughs and walks out of the room, making Steve clench his teeth against all the naked thoughts he has of her that Chin will gut him for having if he ever finds out.
So fine, he's married to Danny and everyone knows it. He's married to Danny and they're not having sex and fighting over everything, so it's exactly like a real marriage. And he maybe likes that he has this guy at his side who fights with him and for him and yells at him and takes care of him and lets him into his life and his daughter's life without any second thoughts. So maybe it's not such a bad thing being married to Danny, no matter how much they disavow any kind of affection for each other and no matter how often Danny threatens to beat him in Morse code as a way to improve their communication skills.
So when Danny comes in holding one of his shirts and says, "You left this in my car after that quick-change on the case with the guy doing that thing," Steve resigns himself to the fact that everyone in the office thinks that he and Danny are a couple, that they're not entirely wrong, and that he likes it a lot more than he should. He just grabs his shirt, throws in the drawer, grabs his keys, and drags Danny off to another case, thinking that at least he gets stability with this relationship.
And hey, maybe one day, they can get drunk enough and make an attempt at the sex thing. How much of a disaster could it really be anyway?
And now, lunch!