cancelling North Carolina
Kevin Reitz would have been 30 toda (saturday april 30) it is ungodly morning and i woke from premature sleep. my cat was whaling from the attic and i saved him and we made a video.
Happy birthday Kevin. your body left us when you were 17 but your spirit lives on with us all. happy 30th. i love you always.
so this weekend I was supposed to be joining Gary, Hazel, Gary Sr, and Erica to Raleigh/Durham to check out some of the houses we have all been hunting over the past 2 years.
there are many reasons I have been contemplating, or more appropriately second-guessing my intentions to move south with Gary.you could say that day by day ive been looking for signs. for months now
a big one for now is obviously the health of my dad and the fear of becoming securely busy surviving while stuck someplace between hicktown and hillsborough street already feels like a shameful way to waste time. it just feels like if im gonna be far away i need to be someplace doing something more worthwhile than helping gary start his life in small business.
there is a romantic interest not just for me but for gary too, elsewhere from NC. additionally and ODDLY, I have managed to start making some really nice money at the furniture shop :my last commission check broke $3200 (AFTER tax)which made my monthly bobs pay $4,800 , and i also make about $500 a month from tutoring/selling old homework , and lastly have been making money from my workmates selling DVDs which i burn at home. i make about $65 a week doing that.
the last few months i just decided to push myself and brainstorm any way i could make money. ive quit smoking and almost never party. this has made the incentives of having a woethwhile future sooo important, and reachable finally.
and its made me realize that doing some bullshit permaculture documentary is not what i want to do at all. so my eyes are facing east or west , no longer south. and oddly enough i think gary is relieved by my recent confessions/convictions. since he got out of prison he has come out of the closet andis enjoying the gay boy party scene of NY and NJ.
oh and finally , not that it made much of a difference. but one of the very few people whom i actually knew from the North Carolina area, literally broke off her friendship with me this week. it was like a high school friendship breakup like "hey sorry your not one of the cool kids, i cant talk to you anymore.
the reality was actually much more hurtful
it was disgusting really. as if it wasnt her at all, or as if there were mysteriious reasons, and there are.
out of the blue she facebook messages me then blocks me and tells me "hi rob cant talk anymore, everything about our friendship makes me feel ashamed and uncomfortable, sorry have a nice life"
and this when like just a few months ago were had cordial friendly conversation, and like ALWAYs ive admired this person and thought we were friends. it stung like a bee and i dont think ill ever understand it.
but at this point it just makes it for me all the more evident that i am not missing anything, including new friends by cancelling my NC venture.
my plan for now is to continue the money saves,. as if things continue at the current momentum, i could potentially save $20,000 by september.
i could think of a few good reasons to leave of absence by then and make a few long waited visits on this planet.
monty the cat visits the dark night of my soul.
goodnight
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