All these moments will be lost, like tears in rain.
How do you tell someone you love them more than life itself when they look back into your eyes with nothing but undisguised loathing, hatred, and anger? I can’t disguise the fact I let things slide in our marriage, that events, my health, work and unemployment, and money worries overtook the important things and I became too obsessed with hanging onto my sanity that I neglected her needs and desires. I thought I was turning the corner, I thought I was coming out of the darkness and getting myself back as I was previously, but as she told me it was too little and it was too late.
I will find it hard to forgive myself for these failings, for my part in the failure of what was the single most important commitment I’d made in my life to anyone. There is no return now, but I feel like she has died, I miss the constant emails, the little messages, the warmth of a phone call while working away, the warmth when I went home at a weekend, and I am scared that I may never find someone with whom I can share those feelings again, that the tenderness I valued so much will never be mine to enjoy and share again. It is not easy when the woman you loved so much seems to have died, and the person who has replaced her is full of bitterness and hatred towards me, there is an anger I never saw before and I don’t know where it came from or that she had it inside her.
I never wavered in our life together, despite temptations, desires, and opportunities; I never once wavered in my commitment. Sadly that wasn’t reciprocated and despite offering a way back, offering a chance for redemption and a chance to rebuild the opportunity has been spurned. She can’t find the love in her for me that I still have for her, and I can’t make her love me, I can’t make her pretend that something that doesn’t exist is there and carry on as if everything is alright, that would not be fair on either of us, and in the end would make things much worse. I made my offer in all honesty, I tried to change from my perspective and be more like she wanted me to be, but too little and too late. Her path lies down another route down which I can’t accompany her, and seeing the change in her recently it’s not a path I want to venture down.
There is no way back, this is the hard thing to accept, now the bridges are burned, broken, destroyed so utterly that all I can do is look over and yearn for what I’ve lost, but have to realise there is no way back over, that those pastures are scorched earth, a wasteland, devastated earth and I have to turn my back to them and make a new path into a vast open wilderness before me. This is quite a daunting prospect, it seems a very empty plain that I am not entirely sure I want to enter alone, not after having had someone with me for such a long time, and having someone who was so supportive and encouraging to me. I lost that person, through my own inactions and failings, and through their deliberate choices and actions. God help me now as I step out on my own to the future.
I am very tired and emotional, tears are never entirely too far from my eyes, and now there is nobody to whom I can reach out as I could before, nobody to offer the words of comfort and support, the warmth of their voice and feelings, their love and compassion. This is what is hurting me the most, I see the shell of that person when I am home, but the inner person that was there is lost to me, it is like she died and was replaced.
It hurts so very much and I don’t know what to do or say. I write this, I don’t think she reads it now, one of my previous postings caused a lot of upset when matters first broke, but I doubt anyone but the passing curious visitor will read these words now. It will end up like a broken tablet found by a ruined city in a desert, words that relate to events past, but the protagonists long gone and forgotten, people wondering what happened to them, what became of them, and so on.
For now, I take a single step forward; I head out alone, down a new path…
I will find it hard to forgive myself for these failings, for my part in the failure of what was the single most important commitment I’d made in my life to anyone. There is no return now, but I feel like she has died, I miss the constant emails, the little messages, the warmth of a phone call while working away, the warmth when I went home at a weekend, and I am scared that I may never find someone with whom I can share those feelings again, that the tenderness I valued so much will never be mine to enjoy and share again. It is not easy when the woman you loved so much seems to have died, and the person who has replaced her is full of bitterness and hatred towards me, there is an anger I never saw before and I don’t know where it came from or that she had it inside her.
I never wavered in our life together, despite temptations, desires, and opportunities; I never once wavered in my commitment. Sadly that wasn’t reciprocated and despite offering a way back, offering a chance for redemption and a chance to rebuild the opportunity has been spurned. She can’t find the love in her for me that I still have for her, and I can’t make her love me, I can’t make her pretend that something that doesn’t exist is there and carry on as if everything is alright, that would not be fair on either of us, and in the end would make things much worse. I made my offer in all honesty, I tried to change from my perspective and be more like she wanted me to be, but too little and too late. Her path lies down another route down which I can’t accompany her, and seeing the change in her recently it’s not a path I want to venture down.
There is no way back, this is the hard thing to accept, now the bridges are burned, broken, destroyed so utterly that all I can do is look over and yearn for what I’ve lost, but have to realise there is no way back over, that those pastures are scorched earth, a wasteland, devastated earth and I have to turn my back to them and make a new path into a vast open wilderness before me. This is quite a daunting prospect, it seems a very empty plain that I am not entirely sure I want to enter alone, not after having had someone with me for such a long time, and having someone who was so supportive and encouraging to me. I lost that person, through my own inactions and failings, and through their deliberate choices and actions. God help me now as I step out on my own to the future.
I am very tired and emotional, tears are never entirely too far from my eyes, and now there is nobody to whom I can reach out as I could before, nobody to offer the words of comfort and support, the warmth of their voice and feelings, their love and compassion. This is what is hurting me the most, I see the shell of that person when I am home, but the inner person that was there is lost to me, it is like she died and was replaced.
It hurts so very much and I don’t know what to do or say. I write this, I don’t think she reads it now, one of my previous postings caused a lot of upset when matters first broke, but I doubt anyone but the passing curious visitor will read these words now. It will end up like a broken tablet found by a ruined city in a desert, words that relate to events past, but the protagonists long gone and forgotten, people wondering what happened to them, what became of them, and so on.
For now, I take a single step forward; I head out alone, down a new path…