What I Really Think
I have been realizing a lot lately. Really, it is more that I have been just adding onto things that I already know/forgot about. It all comes down to the basis that people do not like me. Plain and simple. When the dust settles, your average person would rather be somewhere not near me. So, I take this assumption and act on it. Oddly enough it always proves true. When I talk, the people around me act as if I had not said anything. It leaves me to wonder if maybe I am just not loud enough, but even when I do raise my voice to see if that is the problem, it turns out to not be the case. When people are having a conversation that I am physically present for and it is about something that really makes no difference, isn’t going anywhere, just to talk bullshit conversation, and I say something to the effect of along the same lines. Something maybe silly, a little ridiculous, maybe could be taken as stupid, that whoever is talking decides that because I did not say something earth shattering insightful to the meaningless conversation going on, that I am an idiot and be told that in some way. This happens all the time. Either I am told that I am stupid or the words that come out of my mouth are treated as if they didn’t come out. When I do make a comment, it is about the conversation and it is productive to whatever is being said. To assumptions can be made. One is that either I am so stupid I cannot realize it. The other one is that my intellectual contribution is beyond the grasp of whoever is talking so to keep one’s self-esteem, one tells me that I must be stupid in a few more words. My reaction now is to just not say anything. Just listen and think my own thoughts. Not to say anything unless it is absolutely vital. When I adopt this stance, people think I am depressed and try to get me to talk. Even then, nothing I say is really absorbed and it is forgotten about quickly. I am very sure of this. What I say has no bearing for some reason or another, but I cannot figure out exactly why. I understand the actions taking place, but the cause of those actions leaves me blank. So instead of opening my mouth, I will shut it because my thoughts matter only to myself. This has to be true or else I would not be getting the cause and effect that I do. This rule does have a few exceptions. Those are a few family members and a few friends. Even a few family members have proven this rule true, my few friends have not though. At least the reactions from my friends lead me to believe that they actually take in what I say and give it their own mental consideration. It is a nice thought anyway and I believe it is a true thought as well.
This stance does not mean I am cold and heartless. I am who I am and that means I will still be a good guy. I will still be considerate of other people and their emotions and feelings to the best of my ability. I will still be courteous, humane and a gentleman whether or not I receive that treatment in return. What matters is that I keep my standard of living my life up.
What does bug me is that ninety nine percent of the girls out their will adopt the role of most everyone I come in contact with. The only problem is they won’t be upfront like guys. Save me time. Most the time girls will drag it on, pretend they are interested. Actually think they are interested genuinely. I mean, I totally understand because, hey it is me. I am dashing, witty, clever, creative. I cover the bad boy and the good boy. I am happy with myself for the most part. I like who I am. I do not need anyone. BUT, because of my personality it will ultimately drive a girl away. She will realize something and that I am not whatever preconception she had in her head. I toy with the notion that I am a bad boy like Indiana Jones and James Bond, but yet I have the stalwart rock side of me that is devout catholic and conservative. I cover all the bases except where stupidity is concerned. I do make mistakes and they can be stupid sometimes, but for the most part I make smart decisions. By the time I am thirty I will have well gotten over my youthful inexperience and anything that I do that could be categorized as idiotic will be almost non-existent. That is just the direction I am going. Some reason because I am the almost perfect guy, I run into the very real possibility of being very alone for a very long time. That is cool and all I guess. I just know, time and time again it has been proven, that any girl who falls for me will back out eventually once the preconception they have of me has faded and they see what I really am. Too much to handle and too much work to keep up with. Blessing and a curse I guess.
There are people, especially a few I work with, that I do treat the same way as others treat me. The biggest difference is that they are dirt bags and I am not. They smell half the time, make stupid comments, can’t keep their stuff squared away, and actually try to gain some sort of sympathy from people because they are they way they are. You can change. Seriously, people can change. It isn’t always easy, but you can get up a little earlier and shower or go to bed a little later so you can shower. You can spend that little extra time to tidy your crap up. You can take the mental effort and reach a point that people will respect you and notice you. At some point people will take the fact that you have become someone respectable for granted and they will not recognize that fact all the time when you first change. The goal shouldn’t be to change what other people think of you, but if you hit the point these guys hit in life, you should want to change or else deal with the fact you are a shit bag and people will treat you as such, unless of course the people you deal with are shit bags themselves.
I do not like this fact, but I am who I am. I know what I have to do and I cannot stray from my path. If I do, then a lot of unhappiness will ensue and no one will be happy in the end. If I am not true to myself and my potential, then what am I? All I would be good for at that point is to become a automated robot and another number in the world. That is all I would be good for. Just help the economy flow and make some good looking babies who I would have a hard time fathering because I would have mixed influences for what I do. I cannot live in controversy. If I did, the end could not come soon enough because the only thing worth living for would be heaven. The only goal I could have at that point would be to not mess up and get to heaven. Nothing else has meaning unless I realize my potential and stay true to myself.
With that said, tonight was another reminder of how meaningless I am to other people. Shipmates for that matter. Guys I work with. Went out to the Bahrain Naval base. Ate some fast food (couldn’t leave base because one of my buddies didn’t have a collared shirt on) and then went to the ships store on base to buy some stuff. I just kept quiet and only spoke when I was directly addressed and did so with actually caring what the other person said to me. I still try to pay attention to what other people say. I do not toss aside what you say because something in your brain ticked off the words that came out of your mouth. So it had to have meant something to you. Either way, it is revealing to who you are. People never live up to the expectations I try to hold for myself, so I just go along with what everyone else wants to do because minority will never win in a group. We eat, talk, people think I am depressed but I respond back in a cheerful sarcastic manner that leads on to the fact that I am not unhappy and I say enough to make them think the same thing and then go back to silence. I am not an unhappy person. Perturbed ever once in awhile, but I am just in chill mode most the time because I do not really have a reason to do anything. My sense of fun usually requires something challenging and meaningful. I at least need to be around people who give a damn about what I say or do. After eating the five of us just kinda hang out. One guy wants to go see a movie. This is where the topic switches because I am going to talk about the movie now.
We wander around a bit because we do not know the base to well yet. Everything is that middle eastern style. Everything is beige and all the fences are high with barbed wire. Everything looks the same. About ten minutes later we find the movie theater, turns out it was right outside of where we originally left from, but the instructions didn’t make sense at the time because of how the area looked. The movie we decide to watch is “The Exorcism of Emily Rose”.
I have never seen this movie until now. I first thought, “ahh geez, another crap exorcist movie about demons and how silly the Catholic Church is”. Then someone who wasn’t Catholic recommend this movie to me because I am Catholic. They told me it wasn’t a Catholic basher and actually was good. So, I thought, “Hey, maybe I should go see it”. Well, a couple months later, not by my own decision, I end up watching it for free in Bahrain. Go figure.
Now that I have seen it. Wow, I can’t believe tinsel town Hollywood made this movie. It not only show the Church in a good light but makes a convincing argument that the devil does exist. If nothing else makes you a believer, proof that Satan does exist should be enough to convince you that God does exist. This movie touched me. The selfless act Emily Rose chooses so as to be a testament to the world to bring more souls to heaven is amazing. I am trying not to give to much away here, but you need to go see it and I will argue most convincingly with you about how it is true. Based on a true story anyway. After doing some research the exorcism it was based off was a nineteen year old girl in Germany and two priests ended up going to trial for the “neglect” of the girl. This movie is just makes to much sense and is to inspiring not to move you. There is a basis for me to argue anything about this movie with you. You first have to believe in the spiritual (because from there I can lengthily argue to one God, then to the fact Satan exists and then to Christianity and then to the Catholic Church). Even if you are atheist I can argue you to the point because atheism doesn’t make any sense to begin with. The next thing is that you have to accept facts. There is only one absolute truth to everything. You cannot have dual reality. If you accept those two notions then we are on the right track to good conversation. Still, the choice Emily Rose makes is just so moving that you wonder where these people come from.
(You can skip this paragraph if you want because most people will not care about this paragraph)
I wonder if I could be as strong as her. That fact hit me hard on the way back to the ship. The other guys were joking about it and making some fun about it. I thought about just laying into them about how stupid they were, because I always have the choice of telling people how stupid there conversations are. In everyday life, not many words have to be exchanged. The world could work just fine without a lot of the yip yap crap that goes on. Since people need a “creative outlet” for their thoughts about whatever, useless chitter chatter happens all the time. I realized that these guys probably did not know how to handle the significance of the movie. What it really was getting at. So to keep from actually thinking or looking like a loser for what they really thought, they just made fun of the movie and joked. I stayed silent. People will be people and if someone wants to know what I think they can just ask me, or else I am going to assume from past experience that they won’t care if I speak up. At least if someone asks me to say something I have a better shot at actually being paid attention to. To endure what Emily endured would be hell. Whenever I read about evil I like to think that I would just tell it off, flip it the birdie, think that I am stronger than whatever forces beyond my actual control. Even though I think I would be helpless, I think that by sheer force of will and strong belief in the truth, that I can control my own body and defeat anything that is actually evil. In your regular scary movie I like to think that I could take on any ghost or any monster. Usually because the people in the movie are losers and deserve to die because they fail to be smart, but also because of who I am. I have never had to experience evil in person. I’ve “seen” evil in the form of the decisions people make, but not the spiritual evil. Nothing has ever moved of its own freewill without explanation. I have never been anywhere that actually felt like there was an evil presence and not just my imagination. So, in all honesty I cannot say what I would do or what would happen. Really that is up to God because he allows everything to happen because it is His will. I believe because of who I am, anything that is bad that happens to me is either caused by me, caused by the bad decision of someone else or is part of a greater scheme of events beyond my understanding. If something actually supernaturally evil happened to me, it happens because it was allowed to happen for one reason or another. Whether it be to be a testament to God or to temper me for what is to come in the future. That is my chain of thoughts on that matter. That movie really made me think about it. I do slip into the take it for granted mode quite frequently and forget to fully think about how everything relates to my relationship with God and his will for me. I often forget this aspect of life because I am caught up in the secular world right now trying to build myself up to a position where I can actually do things and have meaning to the world. Either way, as long as I do carry on with the thought that God does allow everything to happen, whether it be face to face with pure evil or my wallet pick pocketed, life will be a lot less stressful and more objective because I do know that I do have to actually make choices still. I just hope I have the strength to make the choices Emily Rose had to make. I shutter at the possibility of having to deal with what she had to. I fear I may not be as strong. My time of testing has not come, nor do I hope it ever does.
Now that that paragraph is done that you may have skipped (and that is just fine). I think I am going to have to go to bed. It is late and I have to work tomorrow. Then I have watch that night. I love this whole eight hours ahead of eastern time zone thing. On Monday morning, if we are getting TV, Sunday night football is just finishing up and the same for Tuesday. Instead of Superbowl Sunday it is going to be Superbowl Monday morning. I get to watch Leno or Conan O’brian as my wake up shows and all those day time morning shows at night. It really puts in to perspective a lot of things. Alright, I am done.
~Rob
This stance does not mean I am cold and heartless. I am who I am and that means I will still be a good guy. I will still be considerate of other people and their emotions and feelings to the best of my ability. I will still be courteous, humane and a gentleman whether or not I receive that treatment in return. What matters is that I keep my standard of living my life up.
What does bug me is that ninety nine percent of the girls out their will adopt the role of most everyone I come in contact with. The only problem is they won’t be upfront like guys. Save me time. Most the time girls will drag it on, pretend they are interested. Actually think they are interested genuinely. I mean, I totally understand because, hey it is me. I am dashing, witty, clever, creative. I cover the bad boy and the good boy. I am happy with myself for the most part. I like who I am. I do not need anyone. BUT, because of my personality it will ultimately drive a girl away. She will realize something and that I am not whatever preconception she had in her head. I toy with the notion that I am a bad boy like Indiana Jones and James Bond, but yet I have the stalwart rock side of me that is devout catholic and conservative. I cover all the bases except where stupidity is concerned. I do make mistakes and they can be stupid sometimes, but for the most part I make smart decisions. By the time I am thirty I will have well gotten over my youthful inexperience and anything that I do that could be categorized as idiotic will be almost non-existent. That is just the direction I am going. Some reason because I am the almost perfect guy, I run into the very real possibility of being very alone for a very long time. That is cool and all I guess. I just know, time and time again it has been proven, that any girl who falls for me will back out eventually once the preconception they have of me has faded and they see what I really am. Too much to handle and too much work to keep up with. Blessing and a curse I guess.
There are people, especially a few I work with, that I do treat the same way as others treat me. The biggest difference is that they are dirt bags and I am not. They smell half the time, make stupid comments, can’t keep their stuff squared away, and actually try to gain some sort of sympathy from people because they are they way they are. You can change. Seriously, people can change. It isn’t always easy, but you can get up a little earlier and shower or go to bed a little later so you can shower. You can spend that little extra time to tidy your crap up. You can take the mental effort and reach a point that people will respect you and notice you. At some point people will take the fact that you have become someone respectable for granted and they will not recognize that fact all the time when you first change. The goal shouldn’t be to change what other people think of you, but if you hit the point these guys hit in life, you should want to change or else deal with the fact you are a shit bag and people will treat you as such, unless of course the people you deal with are shit bags themselves.
I do not like this fact, but I am who I am. I know what I have to do and I cannot stray from my path. If I do, then a lot of unhappiness will ensue and no one will be happy in the end. If I am not true to myself and my potential, then what am I? All I would be good for at that point is to become a automated robot and another number in the world. That is all I would be good for. Just help the economy flow and make some good looking babies who I would have a hard time fathering because I would have mixed influences for what I do. I cannot live in controversy. If I did, the end could not come soon enough because the only thing worth living for would be heaven. The only goal I could have at that point would be to not mess up and get to heaven. Nothing else has meaning unless I realize my potential and stay true to myself.
With that said, tonight was another reminder of how meaningless I am to other people. Shipmates for that matter. Guys I work with. Went out to the Bahrain Naval base. Ate some fast food (couldn’t leave base because one of my buddies didn’t have a collared shirt on) and then went to the ships store on base to buy some stuff. I just kept quiet and only spoke when I was directly addressed and did so with actually caring what the other person said to me. I still try to pay attention to what other people say. I do not toss aside what you say because something in your brain ticked off the words that came out of your mouth. So it had to have meant something to you. Either way, it is revealing to who you are. People never live up to the expectations I try to hold for myself, so I just go along with what everyone else wants to do because minority will never win in a group. We eat, talk, people think I am depressed but I respond back in a cheerful sarcastic manner that leads on to the fact that I am not unhappy and I say enough to make them think the same thing and then go back to silence. I am not an unhappy person. Perturbed ever once in awhile, but I am just in chill mode most the time because I do not really have a reason to do anything. My sense of fun usually requires something challenging and meaningful. I at least need to be around people who give a damn about what I say or do. After eating the five of us just kinda hang out. One guy wants to go see a movie. This is where the topic switches because I am going to talk about the movie now.
We wander around a bit because we do not know the base to well yet. Everything is that middle eastern style. Everything is beige and all the fences are high with barbed wire. Everything looks the same. About ten minutes later we find the movie theater, turns out it was right outside of where we originally left from, but the instructions didn’t make sense at the time because of how the area looked. The movie we decide to watch is “The Exorcism of Emily Rose”.
I have never seen this movie until now. I first thought, “ahh geez, another crap exorcist movie about demons and how silly the Catholic Church is”. Then someone who wasn’t Catholic recommend this movie to me because I am Catholic. They told me it wasn’t a Catholic basher and actually was good. So, I thought, “Hey, maybe I should go see it”. Well, a couple months later, not by my own decision, I end up watching it for free in Bahrain. Go figure.
Now that I have seen it. Wow, I can’t believe tinsel town Hollywood made this movie. It not only show the Church in a good light but makes a convincing argument that the devil does exist. If nothing else makes you a believer, proof that Satan does exist should be enough to convince you that God does exist. This movie touched me. The selfless act Emily Rose chooses so as to be a testament to the world to bring more souls to heaven is amazing. I am trying not to give to much away here, but you need to go see it and I will argue most convincingly with you about how it is true. Based on a true story anyway. After doing some research the exorcism it was based off was a nineteen year old girl in Germany and two priests ended up going to trial for the “neglect” of the girl. This movie is just makes to much sense and is to inspiring not to move you. There is a basis for me to argue anything about this movie with you. You first have to believe in the spiritual (because from there I can lengthily argue to one God, then to the fact Satan exists and then to Christianity and then to the Catholic Church). Even if you are atheist I can argue you to the point because atheism doesn’t make any sense to begin with. The next thing is that you have to accept facts. There is only one absolute truth to everything. You cannot have dual reality. If you accept those two notions then we are on the right track to good conversation. Still, the choice Emily Rose makes is just so moving that you wonder where these people come from.
(You can skip this paragraph if you want because most people will not care about this paragraph)
I wonder if I could be as strong as her. That fact hit me hard on the way back to the ship. The other guys were joking about it and making some fun about it. I thought about just laying into them about how stupid they were, because I always have the choice of telling people how stupid there conversations are. In everyday life, not many words have to be exchanged. The world could work just fine without a lot of the yip yap crap that goes on. Since people need a “creative outlet” for their thoughts about whatever, useless chitter chatter happens all the time. I realized that these guys probably did not know how to handle the significance of the movie. What it really was getting at. So to keep from actually thinking or looking like a loser for what they really thought, they just made fun of the movie and joked. I stayed silent. People will be people and if someone wants to know what I think they can just ask me, or else I am going to assume from past experience that they won’t care if I speak up. At least if someone asks me to say something I have a better shot at actually being paid attention to. To endure what Emily endured would be hell. Whenever I read about evil I like to think that I would just tell it off, flip it the birdie, think that I am stronger than whatever forces beyond my actual control. Even though I think I would be helpless, I think that by sheer force of will and strong belief in the truth, that I can control my own body and defeat anything that is actually evil. In your regular scary movie I like to think that I could take on any ghost or any monster. Usually because the people in the movie are losers and deserve to die because they fail to be smart, but also because of who I am. I have never had to experience evil in person. I’ve “seen” evil in the form of the decisions people make, but not the spiritual evil. Nothing has ever moved of its own freewill without explanation. I have never been anywhere that actually felt like there was an evil presence and not just my imagination. So, in all honesty I cannot say what I would do or what would happen. Really that is up to God because he allows everything to happen because it is His will. I believe because of who I am, anything that is bad that happens to me is either caused by me, caused by the bad decision of someone else or is part of a greater scheme of events beyond my understanding. If something actually supernaturally evil happened to me, it happens because it was allowed to happen for one reason or another. Whether it be to be a testament to God or to temper me for what is to come in the future. That is my chain of thoughts on that matter. That movie really made me think about it. I do slip into the take it for granted mode quite frequently and forget to fully think about how everything relates to my relationship with God and his will for me. I often forget this aspect of life because I am caught up in the secular world right now trying to build myself up to a position where I can actually do things and have meaning to the world. Either way, as long as I do carry on with the thought that God does allow everything to happen, whether it be face to face with pure evil or my wallet pick pocketed, life will be a lot less stressful and more objective because I do know that I do have to actually make choices still. I just hope I have the strength to make the choices Emily Rose had to make. I shutter at the possibility of having to deal with what she had to. I fear I may not be as strong. My time of testing has not come, nor do I hope it ever does.
Now that that paragraph is done that you may have skipped (and that is just fine). I think I am going to have to go to bed. It is late and I have to work tomorrow. Then I have watch that night. I love this whole eight hours ahead of eastern time zone thing. On Monday morning, if we are getting TV, Sunday night football is just finishing up and the same for Tuesday. Instead of Superbowl Sunday it is going to be Superbowl Monday morning. I get to watch Leno or Conan O’brian as my wake up shows and all those day time morning shows at night. It really puts in to perspective a lot of things. Alright, I am done.
~Rob