(no subject)
Tough. Life is a bitch sometimes. It's amazing how the human mind works. Let me break down emotions for you. Every time you feel something (love, anger, hate, sadness ect..) it is because something happened in the environment around you to trigger an emotional response. To one degree or another, it causes stress. Anytime you are under stress, you will immediately feel something. Even if it doesn't register consciously yet, you will feel. When that feeling is strong, you usually register that as an emotion in your head. "I am scared" or "I am happy". Conceptual thoughts only humans have. After the initial emotion to the change in the environment, you will then react with something or nothing. Either way, all of your expectations for how that situation ends will determine the after taste of the event. The memory you will carry with you on how you reacted to the situation. If everything ended the way you expected it, you will feel positive emotion about yourself and you will gain some self-esteem. Control over your life. If the situation ended negatively to how you wanted it to, you will be feel down. Either you will blame yourself because you know you could have done better, but a character flaw or vice override your expectations for yourself in the situation, or things outside of your control left you helpless to effect the situation the way you wanted to. Everyone in the world will feel different about situations because everyone has different expectations for themselves, which ultimately setup the expectations you will want out of changes in the environment that trigger emotional response.
With that said, you are in control of your feelings up to a very high extent. Nine times out of ten, I would like to say, the only one to blame for how you feel is you. You’re the one in control of your mind and the kind of person you are. You control how ready you are for the future and how you view the world. You are in control of your standards and your thoughts. People in general view themselves in one light, but in reality are very different. Those few who both think and act as they would ultimately like to view themselves are usually happier people. They are happy because their expectations of where they should be in life are in line with where they are in life.
This is my logic, in a nutshell, on a situation right now. What if you expect forever? What if you thought something was going to really be forever. Deep down you knew, physically, mentally, emotionally knew (because thought doesn't properly describe this) how something was going to be. This is how it was going to be forever and ever. Emotionally, something like this is normally called love. Real love. Not the light fluffy fluttery spur of the moment (which could last a few months, hell, maybe even a few years) love, but the real deep dark passionate self-less love. Because, one way to describe love is something that is going to be forever and ever expected to be reality in your mind.
Then lets say you also expect yourself to go somewhere in life. You expect great things out of yourself, but you are only disappointed and feel bad when it's your own personnel vices keeping you from realizing this expectation. The only one you really can count on is you in the end. No one else can get you far in life except yourself. Only you know your limitations when you hit them. Only you know when you are satisfied and you have hit a point in your life where your expectations are consistently being met. Only you can meet your goals. Only you….I’ll stop, you get the picture.
So lets say you had two expectations, one was a forever expectation and one was where you wanted to ultimately be expectation…ohh yea…they both conflict. Lets say that you were the type of person who had high ambitions in life and few routes to choose from in order to reach high a spot and you are also in love. So your expectation is to be with this certain someone forever and become a “somebody”, a successful person up to a high standard (I know this is all up to interpretation, but just imagine your stereotypical successful person, someone with cash and control and importance). The best route to success you see is going to put you far away from the person you love. Since it does, the person you love, doesn’t after all love you. If she did love you the distance wouldn’t have mattered. That is one of the signs of real love. But her expectation couldn’t coincide with your expectations. What do you do then when you are frustrated 24/7 because were rejected, yet you are still partly satisfied that you are on the path of success. What do you do. How do you move on when you expected forever and made that neuron in your brain that carries that memory so big and strong and rooted into all of your other memories and thoughts? What do you do when all these expectations you had for this person and you are now never going to be, because you know to much has probably happened with this other person. How do you get past it. Time does not erase forever!
I like to blame everything on that. That one expectation that was entangled into every aspect of my life. I want to blame it all on that. All of my inadequacies. All of my short comings. All of it. It is all grey/gray. Yes, it was traumatic and can be part of the cause, but then again I do have my own character flaws that I am in control of. Grey Gray Grey.
How do you root out something you expected to be forever. That at every single moment of your life you expected to be there. Like a rock. How do you change that expectation. Where does the healing begin. After a year and a half you would think that you would be good to go.
Why did I write this. Because I am tired of keeping this on the inside. I don’t want to become bitter. I’m running out of options. I put it out of my mind, but just daily things trigger the thought of her. I’d say over the past 18 months, there is only about 2-3 days each month I don’t have some thought of her. It just takes one spark to lite the fire. In this case, one neuronic memory path (yes I made that up, though, it may be a real). I’ve been able to lately start chipping away at the stone wall I have put up, but the scars are to readily agitated.
As of right now, though, I cannot see light at the end of the tunnel. So with that assumption, I am left in the dark.
I don’t let it get in the way of my daily work, but it is still there and will be very detrimental if I can never resolve this.
The point of the story is that you should never expect forever, because you are taking the chance to be disappointed. Forever.
The past has already been written. My career is the most important thing now. Yet the emotions and feelings of the past are still very prevalent now.
What would you do if you were caught in this conundrum?
~Rob
With that said, you are in control of your feelings up to a very high extent. Nine times out of ten, I would like to say, the only one to blame for how you feel is you. You’re the one in control of your mind and the kind of person you are. You control how ready you are for the future and how you view the world. You are in control of your standards and your thoughts. People in general view themselves in one light, but in reality are very different. Those few who both think and act as they would ultimately like to view themselves are usually happier people. They are happy because their expectations of where they should be in life are in line with where they are in life.
This is my logic, in a nutshell, on a situation right now. What if you expect forever? What if you thought something was going to really be forever. Deep down you knew, physically, mentally, emotionally knew (because thought doesn't properly describe this) how something was going to be. This is how it was going to be forever and ever. Emotionally, something like this is normally called love. Real love. Not the light fluffy fluttery spur of the moment (which could last a few months, hell, maybe even a few years) love, but the real deep dark passionate self-less love. Because, one way to describe love is something that is going to be forever and ever expected to be reality in your mind.
Then lets say you also expect yourself to go somewhere in life. You expect great things out of yourself, but you are only disappointed and feel bad when it's your own personnel vices keeping you from realizing this expectation. The only one you really can count on is you in the end. No one else can get you far in life except yourself. Only you know your limitations when you hit them. Only you know when you are satisfied and you have hit a point in your life where your expectations are consistently being met. Only you can meet your goals. Only you….I’ll stop, you get the picture.
So lets say you had two expectations, one was a forever expectation and one was where you wanted to ultimately be expectation…ohh yea…they both conflict. Lets say that you were the type of person who had high ambitions in life and few routes to choose from in order to reach high a spot and you are also in love. So your expectation is to be with this certain someone forever and become a “somebody”, a successful person up to a high standard (I know this is all up to interpretation, but just imagine your stereotypical successful person, someone with cash and control and importance). The best route to success you see is going to put you far away from the person you love. Since it does, the person you love, doesn’t after all love you. If she did love you the distance wouldn’t have mattered. That is one of the signs of real love. But her expectation couldn’t coincide with your expectations. What do you do then when you are frustrated 24/7 because were rejected, yet you are still partly satisfied that you are on the path of success. What do you do. How do you move on when you expected forever and made that neuron in your brain that carries that memory so big and strong and rooted into all of your other memories and thoughts? What do you do when all these expectations you had for this person and you are now never going to be, because you know to much has probably happened with this other person. How do you get past it. Time does not erase forever!
I like to blame everything on that. That one expectation that was entangled into every aspect of my life. I want to blame it all on that. All of my inadequacies. All of my short comings. All of it. It is all grey/gray. Yes, it was traumatic and can be part of the cause, but then again I do have my own character flaws that I am in control of. Grey Gray Grey.
How do you root out something you expected to be forever. That at every single moment of your life you expected to be there. Like a rock. How do you change that expectation. Where does the healing begin. After a year and a half you would think that you would be good to go.
Why did I write this. Because I am tired of keeping this on the inside. I don’t want to become bitter. I’m running out of options. I put it out of my mind, but just daily things trigger the thought of her. I’d say over the past 18 months, there is only about 2-3 days each month I don’t have some thought of her. It just takes one spark to lite the fire. In this case, one neuronic memory path (yes I made that up, though, it may be a real). I’ve been able to lately start chipping away at the stone wall I have put up, but the scars are to readily agitated.
As of right now, though, I cannot see light at the end of the tunnel. So with that assumption, I am left in the dark.
I don’t let it get in the way of my daily work, but it is still there and will be very detrimental if I can never resolve this.
The point of the story is that you should never expect forever, because you are taking the chance to be disappointed. Forever.
The past has already been written. My career is the most important thing now. Yet the emotions and feelings of the past are still very prevalent now.
What would you do if you were caught in this conundrum?
~Rob