Fault
Location: North Weyr
Time: After Dinner on Day 26, Month 8, Turn 3
Players: Miniyal and Roa
Scene: A fight over Caucus leads to a discussion of a slightly more hopeful nature.
The weyrwoman probably couldn't say, even to herself, if this is a good idea of not. But the note requesting Miniyal to stop by after dinner was written and, Faranth help her, was even sent down to the Weyrling Barracks. As it's after dinner now, Roa is probably expecting company, though for the most part, she's just scribbling onto hides, frowning a little as she does so. There is a plate of recently-baked pastries out, some still steaming. There's also several pitchers: one of water, one of juice, and one of milk. Tialith dozes on her couch as Roa works. The curtain to the ledge is pulled closed, but the door leading into the weyr is ajar.
If she has to think about it then she has learned nothing at all since arriving at the weyr. It is always a bad idea. However, Miniyal will not avoid the summons and not just because she will likely find it rather hard to do so. If nothing else, it spares her having to get water-logged again in the baths. So, after dinner she trudges, there's really no other word for it, towards the weyr occupied by the hide scribbling woman. At the door she spends a moment or two standing there and finally before she can truly stop herself she wraps on it sharply and waits.
"Come in," The words arrive barely before the knocks depart and Roa lifts her head from her hidework, setting it beside her on the couch. "If you could close the door, too, once you're in?"
Oh, that's always good. Really, those are words designed to put anyone at ease. However, Miniyal doesn't say anything in regards to the request and just does as asked. Once the door is closed she finally looks over to where Roa has seated herself. From her spot barely inside the room she waits in silence.
"Hey," the weyrwoman offers. "Congratulations on your renewed freedom. Well, relative freedom." She rolls her eyes, smiling faintly. "Would you like something to eat or drink? I'm not...it's all right. I just want to talk."
"I'm fine, thank you. I was just at dinner." Which is not the same as eating dinner. Miniyal blinks as she shoves her hands into her pockets. "I can't recall you ever sending for me just to talk. So, if- Look, can we just get this over with? No offense, but I really can't. . .deal with anything else right now. I'm sorry."
"Would you at least be willing to come in, if you can't bear to sit down?" Roa asks, her head tipping to the side. "What's going on? What are you dealing with that has your plate for dealing with things so full?"
She does better than to stomp in or slink forward, but Miniyal even in even steps that bring her farther into the room make it appear as if she does so under duress. Coming to a stop she shrugs. "Oh, I assure you, failures take up all the time in the world. Even ones that have not occurred yet. I can hardly make time to remember my name so busy am I making a mess of everything." She is out of sarcasm it seems since her words get delivered in some casually neutral tone.
A beat of silence and another careful blink from Roa. She moves to settle her hands on her lap, remembers she mostly lacks a lap, and lets her hands rest by her sides, instead. "Does all of that have, perhaps, something to do with the encounter you had with Ginella a bit ago?"
Eyes widening, Miniyal shake her head slowly. "Oh, no! Not at all. What? I talked to Ginella recently? I don't recall such a conversation. But, I guess if she came to you and told you it must have happened. I'm so surprised. Really." If anything on that last word her tone grows flatter, emphasized only by its lack of emphasis. "Six days ago. Let me guess, she came to complain, right? And I'm sure it's all my fault. I mean, it must be. She's so much wiser and better than me. I should be thankful she was even willing to waste her precious time talking to me."
One brow lifts and Roa only smiles faintly and shakes her head. "Ginella had a couple of things she wanted to discuss with me. Her conversation with you happened to be one of them. She says she was trying to help, and it all went south when she mentioned Caucus." Hands again move to find one another, and again flop down to the couch, instead. "What do -you- say happened?"
"Well, far be it from me to contradict her. I don't see any reason to add anything to whatever it was she might have said." Miniyal shrugs her shoulders again, other than the occasional blink the only real movement from her as she stands there. "Honestly, I can hardly recall what was said at all."
"This from the great seeker of truth and the great proponent for sharing information." Roa smiles faintly and leans forward to pour herself a glass of milk. "I'm not trying to pick sides here. I'm not trying to set you up, or her up. I just want to understand what happened."
"If I understood what happened I'd be happy to share." Miniyal's head shakes and she continues to resist all urges to fidget however strong they might be. "She hates me. I haven't done anything to her. The conversation we had before this one, before she left for Benden, went well. I thought. Whatever happened between now and then is of her own making. She hates me. She started off the conversation with a chip on her shoulder. That's all I have to say. What happened after, happened."
"What did you say?" is Roa's next question. "What did she say?"
Head shaking, Miniyal finally pulls a hand from her pocket to give her shirt an absent tuck at the hem. That done she puts her hand away once more. "I'm sorry, ma'am. For reasons I cannot divulge the first part of my conversation with her is confidential. I cannot repeat it to you or anyone else in any part."
"Was it the first part of the conversation that had you convinced Ginella hates you?" Roa asks as she curls both hands around her cup and takes a sip. "If not, we can skip to the bit you can discuss."
"It was her tone and her bearing that gave that away. Her attitude." Miniyal sighs quietly and closes her eyes. "Fine. You want to know what she said? What happened? Here. This is what happened." Unable to know what was behind the words said to her she doesn't give away what was behind her words. Instead, Roa can sit there and listen as Miniyal recites the conversation from where she can begin it to the ending. Eyes remain closed and while she had to be silent a minute before beginning the conversation runs to the end smoothly.
An impressive feat to witness, Roa none the less listens quietly to the whole of it. "Yeh," she says quietly, "that could have gone better. Might be smart to give Ginella a bit of distance for a while. Why do you hate Caucus so much?"
A sarcastic retort to the advice on Ginella is bit back and Miniyal settles on just a nod of her head. Safer, if not as much fun. "Do you really care? I mean, are you asking because you want to know or because you think later you can use it against me?" They are questions that require her to look over at the other goldrider. Just hearing her answer isn't good enough for this. She has to see her answer as well.
"Truthfully?" Roa asks, slowly turning the cup of milk in her hands. Her blue eyes meet Miniyal's as she draws in a slow breath. "I'd really like to know. You're intelligent and you're close to caucus in some ways, so I'm curious to hear your thoughts on it. And, also, I'd like to know what sort of argument I'm going to need to formulate when we get into the great debate that we'll have about your attending once you graduate."
For just a moment she looks ready to latch onto the last part and just once more reiterate her place in the not-attending category. But instead, Miniyal shakes her head and sighs again. "Because the last thing society needs is another elite class," she begins after one more moment of silence to gather up her opinions to share. "What was the grand idea behind solving all of life's problems? Create another way to enforce society's rules. It's not a matter of being good enough to attend the Caucus. How many greenriders are there attending? Blue? Fuck, even brown? How many stablehands are sitting in classes? How many laundresses do homework aside Mommy and Daddy Blood's special little son or daughter? It's the ruling class standing up as one and declaring that knowledge is for those they determine are allowed to have it. They decide. And in the process they have declared that the only way to get ahead is to play their game. Fuck their game. I won't play it. Not now and not ever. I succeed or fail because of who I am. Not because it's been decided I am 'good enough' to go to Caucus. Knowledge is not something to be hoarded. To be locked away and doled out to those people in charge decide can see it. It's there for everyone. Unless you're talking about Caucus, of course."
"Caucus," Roa begins once Miniyal has finished, "has never promoted itself as anything but a means of educating those who were going to lead. It's goals were always to shape those, yes, elite with outstanding potential. It was hoped that by doing so, all in one place, everyone would have better ties to one another and we wouldn't hole up in our respective Crafts, Weyrs, and Holds quite so much. That's it's function. It's the job of each Hold and Hall and Weyr to decide how to educate their own. If you think it should be otherwise, you're still better off attending so you know what needs to be changed." She puffs out a small breath before continuing. "It's also a unique opportunity to form alliances with other holds and weyrs. If you would like your ideas to be heard by someone other than myself, it's an ideal opportunity to make members of places all over Pern...members in a position to actually use your thoughts if they so choose...hear what you have to say."
"And I still refuse to contribute to a system that is designed to do nothing but continue building an ever widening cavern between those who /do/ lead and those who /could/ lead." Miniyal pauses and blinks before smiling, ever so briefly. "As for getting my ideas out. I assure you I have ways of doing that already and there are others that while I have not used them yet. . .well. I don't need to attend Caucus to do what I want to do. And I won't. It's a war you'll lose. Put it from your mind and accept it. I've lost most of the control over my life I used to have. I won't give it all up. You can beat your head against that wall or you can let me do what I am best at my way. Just because it wasn't taught to me in a classroom around a bunch of stuck up spoiled brats doesn't mean it is without merit."
"I didn't say what you had learned so far was without merit, but neither is Caucus without merit." Roa smiles weakly, "And even you, Miniyal, must admit that you have trouble speaking to others in a way which doesn't upset either you or them. You're going to speak for the Weyr one day. You're going to have to do so in a way that won't make enemies. Caucus is an excellent place to firstly, work on doing so and secondly, establish enough ties that even if you never do so, you've a number of connections in various weyrs and holds who understand what you're about, anyway. You can't just turn away from the system because you don't like it. You have to use it to change it. Otherwise, you do what -they- did, and we all know how that turned out."
"I have been practicing speaking to people. I will get better." Miniyal sighs and shoves her hands deeper into her pockets. "No one hears when I do something well. It's just when I mess up. I've messed up less recently. And I have Gans to help me when I have questions about such things. I am learning from him." This, of course, is meant to make it all sound ok. Yep. "As for the inside and outside of the system. I'm not them, Roa. I know what they did. I know what people did before them. And I know what has not been done since them. I'm in no hurry. I have plenty of time to enact the changes I wish to enact. They moved too fast. Tried to change too much too fast. That is not my intent. I'm not going."
"Nobody hears us when we do something well," Roa agrees, "but they all hear when we whisper in error. That's true of all weyrwomen. And if you are not them and do not wish to be them and wish to move very slowly and are patient, then you must concede that the current system, good or no, is going to be in place for some time. Which means, to be an effective weyrwoman, you will have to be able to navigate it. Which means allies here and through out Pern, especially in the holds we cover and the other Weyrs. Which means Caucus, for all that you disapprove of it, is a necessity. I'm not done arguing this with you. I want you to attend."
"It means nothing of the sort. I reject the idea that no one can be effective without attending Caucus. It is not necessary." Miniyal's head shakes and she once again smiles faintly. "You're entitled to your opinion on it, of course. Everyone is. Even me as much as no one wants to really hear it. You may not be done arguing it, but I am done discussing it. I will not attend." She ends her statement somewhat abruptly. Pauses a moment and then continues. "Thank you, by the way. For making it so much easier to not see myself as a complete failure. What with the whole 'you're never going to be able to do anything without attending Caucus' attitude. I can't tell you how much easier it makes my life."
The weyrwoman rolls her eyes. "Oh please. That wasn't what I was implying and you bloody well know it. It's an opportunity, and I wish you'd step back and see it as such. It's an access point and I do not know where else anyone might get to speak with so many people from so many places. And if I don't agree with your thoughts on Caucus, it doesn't mean I don't want to hear them. -I- reject the idea that no one can take anything of use from caucus simply because they disapprove of the principle. I'll make you a deal, if you will keep a sliver of your mind open to the possibility of going."
"Oddly enough? I can speak to anyone attending Caucus without attending. It being here and all. It's not like I don't know plenty of students and have not conversed with them." Miniyal's head tips to the side and then she shakes it. "Not to mention sleeping with one of the instructors. Well, not currently more's the pity. But I'm not interested in a deal. I'm not interested in going. I don't want to and I don't believe I need to."
"Yes. So very successfully do you converse with them, as you so often tell me," Roa says dryly. "It's different learning alongside someone and talking to them at lunch. You don't need me to tell you any of this, Miniyal. You understand that people are complicated just as well as I do. And if I may be so bold as to guess, I suspect if I asked that very instructor you mentioned, he too would wish to see you attend."
Once more Miniyal shrugs her shoulders and this time it's accompanied by a half-step backwards. "He knows how I feel. /He/ isn't trying to force me to do something I don't want. So, if does want me to attend he at least keeps that thought to himself because he knows I don't want to and he respects that." Now her head shakes as she rolls her eyes. "Right. All my problems would go away if I just sat in classes with people I don't want to be around. Why didn't I think of that before?"
"You know," Roa begins after a beat of thoughtful quiet, "It is a way to help address a problem you have admitted to having. You feel flustered by people, you feel you don't express yourself well, and you feel misjudged. Caucus has a means to assist with all of those things. You're going to be asked to do things you don't wish do to. By me, if not by Gans. By R'vain, if not by me. By the Weyr, if not by R'vain. Sometimes, Miniyal, you will have to do them anyhow."
"I'm not denying that, Roa. I accept there will be times that I have no choice and am required to do something I don't wish to." Miniyal pauses here to let her gaze drift back down to the floor. "However, this is not one of those times. This time I can say no. And this time I am. I am working on my own problems. Forcing me into a situation that will only make that problem worse is not the way to solve it. Regardless of what you might think. I told you, I accept that I've lost a lot of control over my life. It's a risk I knew I was taking doing what I did. But I have this control and I am using it."
The weyrwoman opens her mouth as if she might say something, but instead she only closes it again and shakes her head. "I'm not done," she says instead, "arguing this with you. But I am for now. Thank you for your time."
Pulling one hand from her pocket, Miniyal salutes. "Of course. You should, however, be thanking D'ven for his time. I don't have any of my own anymore. Thank you for speaking to me. It's clarified where I stand." Turning she recrosses the floor she unwillingly went across once already to show herself out.
"Miniyal," Roa groans, eyes looking skyward, "are ever going to give me even an inch? Ever?"
At the door Miniyal pauses and turns back around. "I did," she replies quietly. "You just handed it back. I'm willing to accept the blame for a lot of things. This is not my fault."
"What this? This argument? This debate? What, exactly, do you think just happened here?" Roa scoots a bit to lean forward and peer of at the weyrling by the door.
"What just happened here?" Miniyal lets out a weary sigh and rubs at her forehead. "What just happened here is you summoned me here and decided to lecture me. And not only that, but told me that I would have to sit through this same thing over and over. Until what? I give in? I cave and tell you I was wrong all along and of course I'd be thrilled to attend Caucus even though it stands for almost everything I find personally reprehensible."
"Whereas what I thought what happened was my summoning you here to get your opinion on a rather dismal interaction and then discussing what has you so determined to give up on something I believe to be useful. At least when I don't want to give up on something, I let the other person know I'm continuing to pursue it. I don't say that you have to like the idea. I say that I expect you to consider it before rejecting it out of hand. And if you think this will be the only time you're asked to do something you find personally reprehensible..." The weyrwoman draws in a small breath. "You're very unforgiving. I don't know how to argue with you without your taking it as a personal attack. You're going to leave here, convinced I hate you and think you inferior and I don't...Faranth, Miniyal, we're supposed to have a little more faith in one another than that."
"That wasn't a personal attack?" Miniyal asks in an incredulous tone. "You sat there and told me that I wasn't good enough. If that's not personal then I don't know what is. I can't do what I need to do unless I go down the path that you think is the one I belong on. I'm going to be a huge failure because what works for someone else doesn't work for me. That's not personal? I know how hard things are for me. I know how hard things /can/ be for me. I know how much comes hard for me that comes easy to everyone else. And it doesn't make it easier when everyone acts like they have no faith in me."
"No, Miniyal. No. I sat there and told you that you told me you wanted to improve certain things. And I agree, they need to be improved. And If I think a path is useful and Gans does and R'vain does, I would like to feel like you might, for once, consider our words, rather than only expecting us to consider yours. You know how hard things are for you, and at the same time, you refuse to listen to any critiques anyone might have because criticism of one thing implies, in your head, criticism of everything." Roa closes her eyes lowers her head, and pinches the bridge of her nose. "What is it that you expect to see from a person, before you'll believe they have faith in you?"
"You see? That is what I mean. You all think it is useful. You all think you know what is best for me. I don't need more parents. I get plenty of we know what is best from them." Hands once again burying themselves in her pockets, Miniyal shakes her head. "I listened to what you said. You want me to believe you have faith in me treat me like an adult. Allow me to make up my own mind on what will work for me."
Roa stares at her hands and watches the way they stretch and curl and stretch again. "You tell me that, and I cannot help but wonder what it means, then, that you have never done the same for me."
Head tipping to the side as she pulls her eyes up from the floor, Miniyal shrugs. "It means I have trust issues. I can fake it? I can pretend like you're my best friend in the world. Is that what you want? I don't want to fight with you all the time. I don't enjoy being at odds with people. I'm /trying/. And-fuck. Do I have to say it so it makes sense? I'm jealous."
Well, that last bit was unexpected. Roa lifts her head and just stares at Miniyal as if, perhaps, she has grown a second head. "Fuck," she mutters her own, single head dropping into her hands. "Don't be."
"Right. Now tell me not to love my parents even though lately whenever I try to talk to them I wind up crying. Tell me not to worry about how much I could fuck up. Tell me to stop breathing. It is what it is." Miniyal lingers by the door and then she does not. Quietly, near silently, she once more crosses the floor and this time she sits down so that for the barest of seconds she might touch the other woman's shoulder. "The only other person," she begins in a voice barely above a whisper, "Who has seen me cry since I was a very young child is Gans."
"Well," Roa notes, face still hidden in her hands, "You saw me cry first." It's not really a complaint. Just sort of a lining up of facts. "I just...I'm trying too, you know? Really, really hard. And I feel like I'm just never going to get you to think I'm anything besides a challenge or a critic or an adversary. I don't suggest things you won't like to mock you." Sniff. "Thanks."
Now she laughs, just as quietly as when she was speaking, and with its own sort of earnestness. "Roa, the closer we get the more of a pain I'm going to be. The more I want to-" Frowning at her own hands, Miniyal sighs. "The more I want to trust someone the harder I push them away. There are four people- I am not counting the brat. There are four people in this weyr I know I can count on. That if I need help I can go to them and know I will get it without being treated like I'm stupid or hopeless. I know it's not easy to see. Faranth knows I don't quite know how to make it so, but I respect you. And I trust you."
The smaller, younger, senior weyrwoman lifts her head enough that blue eyes can peer up and over at Miniyal. Blink. Blink. "Really?"
"Really." She may be looked at, but she's not looking anywhere but at her lap. The admission was hard enough to give and no one should expect Miniyal to be able to actually look up as she said it.
There is a final small sniff and maybe it's a good thing Miniyal's looking down, because it gives Roa a quick chance to wipe at her own eyes. "Okay," she says quietly. "You, um, sure you don't want a pastry? They've got fruit in 'em."
Shaking her head, Miniyal rises to her feet. "I should go. Before I get the urge to say something stupid just because I just didn't. Whatever I say-" Frowning she pauses before giving her head a shake. "Look. Whatever I say to you. However I may fuck up and act when we're alone? I support you. I know you'll do a good job. Just tell me to stop acting like my mother if I get carried away when we talk."
"I don't think I know your mother well enough to say, but if you think it'll help..." Roa says with a small laugh. "Anyhow, you ought to know the same. I'll tell you what I think, in private. In public, I've got your back. Always, okay?"
"It will at least shut me up long enough to realise I'm being an ass." Miniyal smiles as her hands shove themselves in her pockets. "We'll muddle through somehow. Maybe by the time you're a grandmother we won't have to tiptoe around each other all the time. I fucked up with Ginella. I'll give her some time to cool off and I'll send her an apology letter. Once I'm sure it wouldn't just get tossed into the nearest fire unread. I really don't know what I did to make her mad at me. We've barely ever spoken."
"I could tell you," Roa says with a small sigh, "But you won't like it and you won't agree." She smiles faintly. "Ugh. Don't even...grandmother...when I haven't even got my head around...Faranth."
"Grandmother," Miniyal repeats with a grin. "And if I really wanted to know I'd ask. Never ask a question you're not sure you want the answer to." Wisdom. Offered as she heads for the door. Once there she stops and looks back over at the younger weyrwoman. "Just think. You're having this one young enough you could be welcoming a grandkid before you're forty. Have a good night, ma'am." Hey, she may be trying to be nice, but she's not going to pass up the chance to have the last word. So she offers that helpful information and then slips out the door.
Miniyal's parting pot shot is met with a little laugh and the shake of her head as Roa closes her eyes. "Right. Assuming I live that long," she muses once the door is shut, scrubbing her hands over her face before scooting off the seat and picking up the tray of pastries. She moves them over to the main table where Ashwin is likely to find them. Roa's never really been one for sweets.
Time: After Dinner on Day 26, Month 8, Turn 3
Players: Miniyal and Roa
Scene: A fight over Caucus leads to a discussion of a slightly more hopeful nature.
The weyrwoman probably couldn't say, even to herself, if this is a good idea of not. But the note requesting Miniyal to stop by after dinner was written and, Faranth help her, was even sent down to the Weyrling Barracks. As it's after dinner now, Roa is probably expecting company, though for the most part, she's just scribbling onto hides, frowning a little as she does so. There is a plate of recently-baked pastries out, some still steaming. There's also several pitchers: one of water, one of juice, and one of milk. Tialith dozes on her couch as Roa works. The curtain to the ledge is pulled closed, but the door leading into the weyr is ajar.
If she has to think about it then she has learned nothing at all since arriving at the weyr. It is always a bad idea. However, Miniyal will not avoid the summons and not just because she will likely find it rather hard to do so. If nothing else, it spares her having to get water-logged again in the baths. So, after dinner she trudges, there's really no other word for it, towards the weyr occupied by the hide scribbling woman. At the door she spends a moment or two standing there and finally before she can truly stop herself she wraps on it sharply and waits.
"Come in," The words arrive barely before the knocks depart and Roa lifts her head from her hidework, setting it beside her on the couch. "If you could close the door, too, once you're in?"
Oh, that's always good. Really, those are words designed to put anyone at ease. However, Miniyal doesn't say anything in regards to the request and just does as asked. Once the door is closed she finally looks over to where Roa has seated herself. From her spot barely inside the room she waits in silence.
"Hey," the weyrwoman offers. "Congratulations on your renewed freedom. Well, relative freedom." She rolls her eyes, smiling faintly. "Would you like something to eat or drink? I'm not...it's all right. I just want to talk."
"I'm fine, thank you. I was just at dinner." Which is not the same as eating dinner. Miniyal blinks as she shoves her hands into her pockets. "I can't recall you ever sending for me just to talk. So, if- Look, can we just get this over with? No offense, but I really can't. . .deal with anything else right now. I'm sorry."
"Would you at least be willing to come in, if you can't bear to sit down?" Roa asks, her head tipping to the side. "What's going on? What are you dealing with that has your plate for dealing with things so full?"
She does better than to stomp in or slink forward, but Miniyal even in even steps that bring her farther into the room make it appear as if she does so under duress. Coming to a stop she shrugs. "Oh, I assure you, failures take up all the time in the world. Even ones that have not occurred yet. I can hardly make time to remember my name so busy am I making a mess of everything." She is out of sarcasm it seems since her words get delivered in some casually neutral tone.
A beat of silence and another careful blink from Roa. She moves to settle her hands on her lap, remembers she mostly lacks a lap, and lets her hands rest by her sides, instead. "Does all of that have, perhaps, something to do with the encounter you had with Ginella a bit ago?"
Eyes widening, Miniyal shake her head slowly. "Oh, no! Not at all. What? I talked to Ginella recently? I don't recall such a conversation. But, I guess if she came to you and told you it must have happened. I'm so surprised. Really." If anything on that last word her tone grows flatter, emphasized only by its lack of emphasis. "Six days ago. Let me guess, she came to complain, right? And I'm sure it's all my fault. I mean, it must be. She's so much wiser and better than me. I should be thankful she was even willing to waste her precious time talking to me."
One brow lifts and Roa only smiles faintly and shakes her head. "Ginella had a couple of things she wanted to discuss with me. Her conversation with you happened to be one of them. She says she was trying to help, and it all went south when she mentioned Caucus." Hands again move to find one another, and again flop down to the couch, instead. "What do -you- say happened?"
"Well, far be it from me to contradict her. I don't see any reason to add anything to whatever it was she might have said." Miniyal shrugs her shoulders again, other than the occasional blink the only real movement from her as she stands there. "Honestly, I can hardly recall what was said at all."
"This from the great seeker of truth and the great proponent for sharing information." Roa smiles faintly and leans forward to pour herself a glass of milk. "I'm not trying to pick sides here. I'm not trying to set you up, or her up. I just want to understand what happened."
"If I understood what happened I'd be happy to share." Miniyal's head shakes and she continues to resist all urges to fidget however strong they might be. "She hates me. I haven't done anything to her. The conversation we had before this one, before she left for Benden, went well. I thought. Whatever happened between now and then is of her own making. She hates me. She started off the conversation with a chip on her shoulder. That's all I have to say. What happened after, happened."
"What did you say?" is Roa's next question. "What did she say?"
Head shaking, Miniyal finally pulls a hand from her pocket to give her shirt an absent tuck at the hem. That done she puts her hand away once more. "I'm sorry, ma'am. For reasons I cannot divulge the first part of my conversation with her is confidential. I cannot repeat it to you or anyone else in any part."
"Was it the first part of the conversation that had you convinced Ginella hates you?" Roa asks as she curls both hands around her cup and takes a sip. "If not, we can skip to the bit you can discuss."
"It was her tone and her bearing that gave that away. Her attitude." Miniyal sighs quietly and closes her eyes. "Fine. You want to know what she said? What happened? Here. This is what happened." Unable to know what was behind the words said to her she doesn't give away what was behind her words. Instead, Roa can sit there and listen as Miniyal recites the conversation from where she can begin it to the ending. Eyes remain closed and while she had to be silent a minute before beginning the conversation runs to the end smoothly.
An impressive feat to witness, Roa none the less listens quietly to the whole of it. "Yeh," she says quietly, "that could have gone better. Might be smart to give Ginella a bit of distance for a while. Why do you hate Caucus so much?"
A sarcastic retort to the advice on Ginella is bit back and Miniyal settles on just a nod of her head. Safer, if not as much fun. "Do you really care? I mean, are you asking because you want to know or because you think later you can use it against me?" They are questions that require her to look over at the other goldrider. Just hearing her answer isn't good enough for this. She has to see her answer as well.
"Truthfully?" Roa asks, slowly turning the cup of milk in her hands. Her blue eyes meet Miniyal's as she draws in a slow breath. "I'd really like to know. You're intelligent and you're close to caucus in some ways, so I'm curious to hear your thoughts on it. And, also, I'd like to know what sort of argument I'm going to need to formulate when we get into the great debate that we'll have about your attending once you graduate."
For just a moment she looks ready to latch onto the last part and just once more reiterate her place in the not-attending category. But instead, Miniyal shakes her head and sighs again. "Because the last thing society needs is another elite class," she begins after one more moment of silence to gather up her opinions to share. "What was the grand idea behind solving all of life's problems? Create another way to enforce society's rules. It's not a matter of being good enough to attend the Caucus. How many greenriders are there attending? Blue? Fuck, even brown? How many stablehands are sitting in classes? How many laundresses do homework aside Mommy and Daddy Blood's special little son or daughter? It's the ruling class standing up as one and declaring that knowledge is for those they determine are allowed to have it. They decide. And in the process they have declared that the only way to get ahead is to play their game. Fuck their game. I won't play it. Not now and not ever. I succeed or fail because of who I am. Not because it's been decided I am 'good enough' to go to Caucus. Knowledge is not something to be hoarded. To be locked away and doled out to those people in charge decide can see it. It's there for everyone. Unless you're talking about Caucus, of course."
"Caucus," Roa begins once Miniyal has finished, "has never promoted itself as anything but a means of educating those who were going to lead. It's goals were always to shape those, yes, elite with outstanding potential. It was hoped that by doing so, all in one place, everyone would have better ties to one another and we wouldn't hole up in our respective Crafts, Weyrs, and Holds quite so much. That's it's function. It's the job of each Hold and Hall and Weyr to decide how to educate their own. If you think it should be otherwise, you're still better off attending so you know what needs to be changed." She puffs out a small breath before continuing. "It's also a unique opportunity to form alliances with other holds and weyrs. If you would like your ideas to be heard by someone other than myself, it's an ideal opportunity to make members of places all over Pern...members in a position to actually use your thoughts if they so choose...hear what you have to say."
"And I still refuse to contribute to a system that is designed to do nothing but continue building an ever widening cavern between those who /do/ lead and those who /could/ lead." Miniyal pauses and blinks before smiling, ever so briefly. "As for getting my ideas out. I assure you I have ways of doing that already and there are others that while I have not used them yet. . .well. I don't need to attend Caucus to do what I want to do. And I won't. It's a war you'll lose. Put it from your mind and accept it. I've lost most of the control over my life I used to have. I won't give it all up. You can beat your head against that wall or you can let me do what I am best at my way. Just because it wasn't taught to me in a classroom around a bunch of stuck up spoiled brats doesn't mean it is without merit."
"I didn't say what you had learned so far was without merit, but neither is Caucus without merit." Roa smiles weakly, "And even you, Miniyal, must admit that you have trouble speaking to others in a way which doesn't upset either you or them. You're going to speak for the Weyr one day. You're going to have to do so in a way that won't make enemies. Caucus is an excellent place to firstly, work on doing so and secondly, establish enough ties that even if you never do so, you've a number of connections in various weyrs and holds who understand what you're about, anyway. You can't just turn away from the system because you don't like it. You have to use it to change it. Otherwise, you do what -they- did, and we all know how that turned out."
"I have been practicing speaking to people. I will get better." Miniyal sighs and shoves her hands deeper into her pockets. "No one hears when I do something well. It's just when I mess up. I've messed up less recently. And I have Gans to help me when I have questions about such things. I am learning from him." This, of course, is meant to make it all sound ok. Yep. "As for the inside and outside of the system. I'm not them, Roa. I know what they did. I know what people did before them. And I know what has not been done since them. I'm in no hurry. I have plenty of time to enact the changes I wish to enact. They moved too fast. Tried to change too much too fast. That is not my intent. I'm not going."
"Nobody hears us when we do something well," Roa agrees, "but they all hear when we whisper in error. That's true of all weyrwomen. And if you are not them and do not wish to be them and wish to move very slowly and are patient, then you must concede that the current system, good or no, is going to be in place for some time. Which means, to be an effective weyrwoman, you will have to be able to navigate it. Which means allies here and through out Pern, especially in the holds we cover and the other Weyrs. Which means Caucus, for all that you disapprove of it, is a necessity. I'm not done arguing this with you. I want you to attend."
"It means nothing of the sort. I reject the idea that no one can be effective without attending Caucus. It is not necessary." Miniyal's head shakes and she once again smiles faintly. "You're entitled to your opinion on it, of course. Everyone is. Even me as much as no one wants to really hear it. You may not be done arguing it, but I am done discussing it. I will not attend." She ends her statement somewhat abruptly. Pauses a moment and then continues. "Thank you, by the way. For making it so much easier to not see myself as a complete failure. What with the whole 'you're never going to be able to do anything without attending Caucus' attitude. I can't tell you how much easier it makes my life."
The weyrwoman rolls her eyes. "Oh please. That wasn't what I was implying and you bloody well know it. It's an opportunity, and I wish you'd step back and see it as such. It's an access point and I do not know where else anyone might get to speak with so many people from so many places. And if I don't agree with your thoughts on Caucus, it doesn't mean I don't want to hear them. -I- reject the idea that no one can take anything of use from caucus simply because they disapprove of the principle. I'll make you a deal, if you will keep a sliver of your mind open to the possibility of going."
"Oddly enough? I can speak to anyone attending Caucus without attending. It being here and all. It's not like I don't know plenty of students and have not conversed with them." Miniyal's head tips to the side and then she shakes it. "Not to mention sleeping with one of the instructors. Well, not currently more's the pity. But I'm not interested in a deal. I'm not interested in going. I don't want to and I don't believe I need to."
"Yes. So very successfully do you converse with them, as you so often tell me," Roa says dryly. "It's different learning alongside someone and talking to them at lunch. You don't need me to tell you any of this, Miniyal. You understand that people are complicated just as well as I do. And if I may be so bold as to guess, I suspect if I asked that very instructor you mentioned, he too would wish to see you attend."
Once more Miniyal shrugs her shoulders and this time it's accompanied by a half-step backwards. "He knows how I feel. /He/ isn't trying to force me to do something I don't want. So, if does want me to attend he at least keeps that thought to himself because he knows I don't want to and he respects that." Now her head shakes as she rolls her eyes. "Right. All my problems would go away if I just sat in classes with people I don't want to be around. Why didn't I think of that before?"
"You know," Roa begins after a beat of thoughtful quiet, "It is a way to help address a problem you have admitted to having. You feel flustered by people, you feel you don't express yourself well, and you feel misjudged. Caucus has a means to assist with all of those things. You're going to be asked to do things you don't wish do to. By me, if not by Gans. By R'vain, if not by me. By the Weyr, if not by R'vain. Sometimes, Miniyal, you will have to do them anyhow."
"I'm not denying that, Roa. I accept there will be times that I have no choice and am required to do something I don't wish to." Miniyal pauses here to let her gaze drift back down to the floor. "However, this is not one of those times. This time I can say no. And this time I am. I am working on my own problems. Forcing me into a situation that will only make that problem worse is not the way to solve it. Regardless of what you might think. I told you, I accept that I've lost a lot of control over my life. It's a risk I knew I was taking doing what I did. But I have this control and I am using it."
The weyrwoman opens her mouth as if she might say something, but instead she only closes it again and shakes her head. "I'm not done," she says instead, "arguing this with you. But I am for now. Thank you for your time."
Pulling one hand from her pocket, Miniyal salutes. "Of course. You should, however, be thanking D'ven for his time. I don't have any of my own anymore. Thank you for speaking to me. It's clarified where I stand." Turning she recrosses the floor she unwillingly went across once already to show herself out.
"Miniyal," Roa groans, eyes looking skyward, "are ever going to give me even an inch? Ever?"
At the door Miniyal pauses and turns back around. "I did," she replies quietly. "You just handed it back. I'm willing to accept the blame for a lot of things. This is not my fault."
"What this? This argument? This debate? What, exactly, do you think just happened here?" Roa scoots a bit to lean forward and peer of at the weyrling by the door.
"What just happened here?" Miniyal lets out a weary sigh and rubs at her forehead. "What just happened here is you summoned me here and decided to lecture me. And not only that, but told me that I would have to sit through this same thing over and over. Until what? I give in? I cave and tell you I was wrong all along and of course I'd be thrilled to attend Caucus even though it stands for almost everything I find personally reprehensible."
"Whereas what I thought what happened was my summoning you here to get your opinion on a rather dismal interaction and then discussing what has you so determined to give up on something I believe to be useful. At least when I don't want to give up on something, I let the other person know I'm continuing to pursue it. I don't say that you have to like the idea. I say that I expect you to consider it before rejecting it out of hand. And if you think this will be the only time you're asked to do something you find personally reprehensible..." The weyrwoman draws in a small breath. "You're very unforgiving. I don't know how to argue with you without your taking it as a personal attack. You're going to leave here, convinced I hate you and think you inferior and I don't...Faranth, Miniyal, we're supposed to have a little more faith in one another than that."
"That wasn't a personal attack?" Miniyal asks in an incredulous tone. "You sat there and told me that I wasn't good enough. If that's not personal then I don't know what is. I can't do what I need to do unless I go down the path that you think is the one I belong on. I'm going to be a huge failure because what works for someone else doesn't work for me. That's not personal? I know how hard things are for me. I know how hard things /can/ be for me. I know how much comes hard for me that comes easy to everyone else. And it doesn't make it easier when everyone acts like they have no faith in me."
"No, Miniyal. No. I sat there and told you that you told me you wanted to improve certain things. And I agree, they need to be improved. And If I think a path is useful and Gans does and R'vain does, I would like to feel like you might, for once, consider our words, rather than only expecting us to consider yours. You know how hard things are for you, and at the same time, you refuse to listen to any critiques anyone might have because criticism of one thing implies, in your head, criticism of everything." Roa closes her eyes lowers her head, and pinches the bridge of her nose. "What is it that you expect to see from a person, before you'll believe they have faith in you?"
"You see? That is what I mean. You all think it is useful. You all think you know what is best for me. I don't need more parents. I get plenty of we know what is best from them." Hands once again burying themselves in her pockets, Miniyal shakes her head. "I listened to what you said. You want me to believe you have faith in me treat me like an adult. Allow me to make up my own mind on what will work for me."
Roa stares at her hands and watches the way they stretch and curl and stretch again. "You tell me that, and I cannot help but wonder what it means, then, that you have never done the same for me."
Head tipping to the side as she pulls her eyes up from the floor, Miniyal shrugs. "It means I have trust issues. I can fake it? I can pretend like you're my best friend in the world. Is that what you want? I don't want to fight with you all the time. I don't enjoy being at odds with people. I'm /trying/. And-fuck. Do I have to say it so it makes sense? I'm jealous."
Well, that last bit was unexpected. Roa lifts her head and just stares at Miniyal as if, perhaps, she has grown a second head. "Fuck," she mutters her own, single head dropping into her hands. "Don't be."
"Right. Now tell me not to love my parents even though lately whenever I try to talk to them I wind up crying. Tell me not to worry about how much I could fuck up. Tell me to stop breathing. It is what it is." Miniyal lingers by the door and then she does not. Quietly, near silently, she once more crosses the floor and this time she sits down so that for the barest of seconds she might touch the other woman's shoulder. "The only other person," she begins in a voice barely above a whisper, "Who has seen me cry since I was a very young child is Gans."
"Well," Roa notes, face still hidden in her hands, "You saw me cry first." It's not really a complaint. Just sort of a lining up of facts. "I just...I'm trying too, you know? Really, really hard. And I feel like I'm just never going to get you to think I'm anything besides a challenge or a critic or an adversary. I don't suggest things you won't like to mock you." Sniff. "Thanks."
Now she laughs, just as quietly as when she was speaking, and with its own sort of earnestness. "Roa, the closer we get the more of a pain I'm going to be. The more I want to-" Frowning at her own hands, Miniyal sighs. "The more I want to trust someone the harder I push them away. There are four people- I am not counting the brat. There are four people in this weyr I know I can count on. That if I need help I can go to them and know I will get it without being treated like I'm stupid or hopeless. I know it's not easy to see. Faranth knows I don't quite know how to make it so, but I respect you. And I trust you."
The smaller, younger, senior weyrwoman lifts her head enough that blue eyes can peer up and over at Miniyal. Blink. Blink. "Really?"
"Really." She may be looked at, but she's not looking anywhere but at her lap. The admission was hard enough to give and no one should expect Miniyal to be able to actually look up as she said it.
There is a final small sniff and maybe it's a good thing Miniyal's looking down, because it gives Roa a quick chance to wipe at her own eyes. "Okay," she says quietly. "You, um, sure you don't want a pastry? They've got fruit in 'em."
Shaking her head, Miniyal rises to her feet. "I should go. Before I get the urge to say something stupid just because I just didn't. Whatever I say-" Frowning she pauses before giving her head a shake. "Look. Whatever I say to you. However I may fuck up and act when we're alone? I support you. I know you'll do a good job. Just tell me to stop acting like my mother if I get carried away when we talk."
"I don't think I know your mother well enough to say, but if you think it'll help..." Roa says with a small laugh. "Anyhow, you ought to know the same. I'll tell you what I think, in private. In public, I've got your back. Always, okay?"
"It will at least shut me up long enough to realise I'm being an ass." Miniyal smiles as her hands shove themselves in her pockets. "We'll muddle through somehow. Maybe by the time you're a grandmother we won't have to tiptoe around each other all the time. I fucked up with Ginella. I'll give her some time to cool off and I'll send her an apology letter. Once I'm sure it wouldn't just get tossed into the nearest fire unread. I really don't know what I did to make her mad at me. We've barely ever spoken."
"I could tell you," Roa says with a small sigh, "But you won't like it and you won't agree." She smiles faintly. "Ugh. Don't even...grandmother...when I haven't even got my head around...Faranth."
"Grandmother," Miniyal repeats with a grin. "And if I really wanted to know I'd ask. Never ask a question you're not sure you want the answer to." Wisdom. Offered as she heads for the door. Once there she stops and looks back over at the younger weyrwoman. "Just think. You're having this one young enough you could be welcoming a grandkid before you're forty. Have a good night, ma'am." Hey, she may be trying to be nice, but she's not going to pass up the chance to have the last word. So she offers that helpful information and then slips out the door.
Miniyal's parting pot shot is met with a little laugh and the shake of her head as Roa closes her eyes. "Right. Assuming I live that long," she muses once the door is shut, scrubbing her hands over her face before scooting off the seat and picking up the tray of pastries. She moves them over to the main table where Ashwin is likely to find them. Roa's never really been one for sweets.