Still kicking, barely
Deerbourne is living with us and that part of our lives is wonderful. Truly. The rest of life still kicks my ass most of the time, but having such a great partner makes all the difference in the world.
I was feeling really good psychologically for a while. I was seeing the shrink regularly, and we actually worked through some things. By June we both agreed that I was stable and heading in the right direction and no longer needed regular therapy.
Things have gone down hill. I know I should have called him months ago, but I can't afford it. The HSA is drained and can barely keep up with prescriptions. In fact, I am still owed $220 for the last shrink visit that I paid out of pocket. I've been feeling down more, and deeper. I feel like all the life has been drained out of me by the meds. I am always tired, my depression and anxiety are back, and I've lost all of the energy and inspiration that used to come with the mania. I'm not having the wild ups and downs anymore, but this partly-cloudy-tending-toward-rain place that I'm in is grinding me down. I just can't muster the energy to care about anything.
I understand now why so many people with bipolar disorder go off their meds. I tried cutting down on one of the pieces in my drug cocktail, and immediately went off the deep end (i.e: way down.) I put that back for a couple of months, then tried eliminating another piece that I thought wasn't important. Apparently it was keeping my anxiety in check, because once I had eased off of it, the voices came back. You know, the self-abusing, you're-not-good-enough, you don't deserve this or that, lazy worthless fat and ugly etc etc. I actually argued with myself out loud. So back on that drug too.
I need to have my spark back. It really worked for a while. I don't want more drugs, and I'm afraid to go through the chaos of trying something new.
I was feeling really good psychologically for a while. I was seeing the shrink regularly, and we actually worked through some things. By June we both agreed that I was stable and heading in the right direction and no longer needed regular therapy.
Things have gone down hill. I know I should have called him months ago, but I can't afford it. The HSA is drained and can barely keep up with prescriptions. In fact, I am still owed $220 for the last shrink visit that I paid out of pocket. I've been feeling down more, and deeper. I feel like all the life has been drained out of me by the meds. I am always tired, my depression and anxiety are back, and I've lost all of the energy and inspiration that used to come with the mania. I'm not having the wild ups and downs anymore, but this partly-cloudy-tending-toward-rain place that I'm in is grinding me down. I just can't muster the energy to care about anything.
I understand now why so many people with bipolar disorder go off their meds. I tried cutting down on one of the pieces in my drug cocktail, and immediately went off the deep end (i.e: way down.) I put that back for a couple of months, then tried eliminating another piece that I thought wasn't important. Apparently it was keeping my anxiety in check, because once I had eased off of it, the voices came back. You know, the self-abusing, you're-not-good-enough, you don't deserve this or that, lazy worthless fat and ugly etc etc. I actually argued with myself out loud. So back on that drug too.
I need to have my spark back. It really worked for a while. I don't want more drugs, and I'm afraid to go through the chaos of trying something new.