Its been a month.
Self explanatory. My subject is the product of a long day and the onslaught of a long night. I hate the one class I've attended so far this semester. I just want to drop out. I don't know what I am going to do with my degree. I don't want to be much of anything but a mommy. And I can do my usual work of "shit on me I am in customer service!" until the time is right. I just don't want to end up realizing that the past few years have been an ultimate waste of time.
I keep vomiting into my throat. I don't know what's wrong with me. Its been happening for the past few days, everytime I burp, I puke a bit. Its gross and I feel icky.
My hands were beside themselves today. I spilt so much stuff at work, coffee, chocolate, mixes, drinks. I couldn't control them. At one point I was pouring some frappuccino mix into a cup, and my entire arms twitched. And I flung the drink all over the counter and my manager just stared in horror at me. The customers looked alarmed as my hands smacked against the registers, and even now I am hitting backspace after every word to correct the twitches of my fingers against the keyboard. My hands have been bad, but they're getting worse, I should tell my doctor.
That's how I've felt this week, like I can't control my life. There's so much I want to do right now, but I am stuck, stuck in this city, in that apartment, stuck with my classes, stuck in this life I had once wanted. This is not what I want now. (except for you silly, you're the only thing I want) I don't want to go here anymore, I don't want to live here anymore, I don't want these friends anymore. I have never felt so comfortable as I did this weekend. I felt at ease, contented, and more at home than ever. Whether it was hanging out with steve and katie, or just lying in your arms, I want to live that forever. I think that's why I sobbed yesterday. I've been on the verge of Collapse and Breakdown all day. I put on that smiling exterior and push through, but I feel so lost and malcontent. I got so pissed at the stupidity of my film professor that this is how I answered her questionaire:
-"What are you good at?"
exasperating issues and romanticising the obvious
-"What do you expect to get from this class?"
an obvious twitch and hunger pains
-"What is your favorite foreign film and why?"
Das Experiment; its a big fuck you
I scribbled my name illegibly and skipped out the door. I think I'm not going back.
I miss you. I held my pillow tightly and bathed the fabric in tears. I feel empty. I can't do this for much longer. I am transferring. Its official. I love you too much to exasperate this issue of "I'm not following no boy." and I'm following this boy. I am going to admit the fact that I know that I would follow you anywhere, anytime. I love you that much. You will not hurt me. You will not hurt me. I am confident. I am secure. You are my safety, you are my security blankie. You are my attachment. I long to be as close as a hand, a leg, forever and always fitted against you. I hate this town, I hate these people. I am close to driving there now. I want your touch more than I want to ignore.
I keep vomiting into my throat. I don't know what's wrong with me. Its been happening for the past few days, everytime I burp, I puke a bit. Its gross and I feel icky.
My hands were beside themselves today. I spilt so much stuff at work, coffee, chocolate, mixes, drinks. I couldn't control them. At one point I was pouring some frappuccino mix into a cup, and my entire arms twitched. And I flung the drink all over the counter and my manager just stared in horror at me. The customers looked alarmed as my hands smacked against the registers, and even now I am hitting backspace after every word to correct the twitches of my fingers against the keyboard. My hands have been bad, but they're getting worse, I should tell my doctor.
That's how I've felt this week, like I can't control my life. There's so much I want to do right now, but I am stuck, stuck in this city, in that apartment, stuck with my classes, stuck in this life I had once wanted. This is not what I want now. (except for you silly, you're the only thing I want) I don't want to go here anymore, I don't want to live here anymore, I don't want these friends anymore. I have never felt so comfortable as I did this weekend. I felt at ease, contented, and more at home than ever. Whether it was hanging out with steve and katie, or just lying in your arms, I want to live that forever. I think that's why I sobbed yesterday. I've been on the verge of Collapse and Breakdown all day. I put on that smiling exterior and push through, but I feel so lost and malcontent. I got so pissed at the stupidity of my film professor that this is how I answered her questionaire:
-"What are you good at?"
exasperating issues and romanticising the obvious
-"What do you expect to get from this class?"
an obvious twitch and hunger pains
-"What is your favorite foreign film and why?"
Das Experiment; its a big fuck you
I scribbled my name illegibly and skipped out the door. I think I'm not going back.
I miss you. I held my pillow tightly and bathed the fabric in tears. I feel empty. I can't do this for much longer. I am transferring. Its official. I love you too much to exasperate this issue of "I'm not following no boy." and I'm following this boy. I am going to admit the fact that I know that I would follow you anywhere, anytime. I love you that much. You will not hurt me. You will not hurt me. I am confident. I am secure. You are my safety, you are my security blankie. You are my attachment. I long to be as close as a hand, a leg, forever and always fitted against you. I hate this town, I hate these people. I am close to driving there now. I want your touch more than I want to ignore.