in which i say goodbye.
So, this evening I went to see my friend Alex, who is leaving tomorrow morning for USC and college and the grand not-living-in-Reno experience.
Because this was his last day, he'd been saying a lot of goodbyes, and he said he'd cried a lot and that it was all very emotional. When I first saw him, and he said that, I thought, 'I'm not going to cry. I don't feel that sad right now. I'm just going to miss my friend... but I know I'll see him again.'
Ha. You should know yourself better, self.
What originated as a lighthearted conversation about packing and other annoying things quickly turned to deeper water. In no time at all I somehow arrived at the topic of saying goodbye to one's parents - my favorite topic of late.
That was, of course, about the moment in the conversation that I started to cry. Fortunately for me, Alex joined in.
Saying goodbye to Alex made me realize that I'm leaving also, in no time at all. Granted, I'd certainly already *realized* this... I just hadn't thought about the saying goodbye aspect of it.
Alex made such a big deal about saying goodbye to everyone. He planned far in advance that I would see him on his last day.
I, on the other hand, have decided just to pretend that I don't have to say goodbye at all before hopping on a plane and heading to France for a year.
Every time I think about it, I block it out. I feel this wave of stress or sadness, and I just ignore it and pretend that I have months and months before I leave.
The truth is, I suck at saying goodbye. I am horrible. I don't know what to say. If it's an important goodbye, I usually cry.
Most of all, I hate goodbyes because I'm afraid that none of them are temporary.
Even saying goodbye to someone you know you will see at Christmas, or next summer, or some other time - even that goodbye isn't a temporary one. Because when you next see that person, they will be different, and you will be different, and you will be older, and the world will inevitably have shifted in a way that makes your old life somehow foreign. That is just how life works.
But that means, when you say goodbye, you aren't saying goodbye to a person. You can always find a person. You can always talk to them, no matter how far away they are, if you try hard enough.
Instead, you are saying goodbye to that exact moment, to the way that you both are.
And that is why I hate saying goodbye.
Because this was his last day, he'd been saying a lot of goodbyes, and he said he'd cried a lot and that it was all very emotional. When I first saw him, and he said that, I thought, 'I'm not going to cry. I don't feel that sad right now. I'm just going to miss my friend... but I know I'll see him again.'
Ha. You should know yourself better, self.
What originated as a lighthearted conversation about packing and other annoying things quickly turned to deeper water. In no time at all I somehow arrived at the topic of saying goodbye to one's parents - my favorite topic of late.
That was, of course, about the moment in the conversation that I started to cry. Fortunately for me, Alex joined in.
Saying goodbye to Alex made me realize that I'm leaving also, in no time at all. Granted, I'd certainly already *realized* this... I just hadn't thought about the saying goodbye aspect of it.
Alex made such a big deal about saying goodbye to everyone. He planned far in advance that I would see him on his last day.
I, on the other hand, have decided just to pretend that I don't have to say goodbye at all before hopping on a plane and heading to France for a year.
Every time I think about it, I block it out. I feel this wave of stress or sadness, and I just ignore it and pretend that I have months and months before I leave.
The truth is, I suck at saying goodbye. I am horrible. I don't know what to say. If it's an important goodbye, I usually cry.
Most of all, I hate goodbyes because I'm afraid that none of them are temporary.
Even saying goodbye to someone you know you will see at Christmas, or next summer, or some other time - even that goodbye isn't a temporary one. Because when you next see that person, they will be different, and you will be different, and you will be older, and the world will inevitably have shifted in a way that makes your old life somehow foreign. That is just how life works.
But that means, when you say goodbye, you aren't saying goodbye to a person. You can always find a person. You can always talk to them, no matter how far away they are, if you try hard enough.
Instead, you are saying goodbye to that exact moment, to the way that you both are.
And that is why I hate saying goodbye.