My life so far...
I still can’t make sense of it all. That feeling of being violated, of being betrayed, of being isolated and of losing all that I ever am or ever will be.
It still nags at me. My mind is still befuddled sometimes. At one moment all seems fine but in the next, it’s like my world is going to end and everything is hopeless.
Sometimes I just want to end all this. Other times I am hopeful, but never for too long. It feels like something has been draining the life out of me and I have been unable to block it.
The hospital stay was the first blow, it drained me, but before that, something else was pulling me down. I was crying nearly every day for the year prior. I was trying to stay afloat, I knew. The kind of life I led was an illusion. Because on the surface I had everything together, but in reality, I was starting to falter. I applied for a Masters program, I planned for a trip to Europe with my friends, I had a job at a local school as a TA. Everything was starting to look promising, only that it had not. I started having strange dreams, thoughts that ran on with or without me, and an ache that would not go away. It felt like I was slowly losing myself, and I had no defense against it.
Then things went from bad to worse when the Masters program started. I started to get paranoid, as if people were talking about me. I felt like I could not think for myself anymore. And I started to get piercing headaches that literally rendered me unable to think. I fell behind in my studies, I could not concentrate. I started missing classes, and in the end, I had to quit the program because I could not do the coursework and was too behind schedule to catch up. Things really went downhill from here because I was starting to have irrational thoughts and started acting weird. I cried all day long, I went out and thought people were staring at me, I heard sounds and followed them, I went to different places, maybe in hopes of finding a familiar face. I felt completely alone but was led on by my thoughts, which seemed to be mine and not mine all at the same time. It was like living a life that was mine but not mine. It escalated when one day, I nearly killed myself on a busy street, running about through the traffic. That was the day I have first been hospitalized. I’ve been a fool, I’ve been mad, I’ve nearly been dead, but I still don’t think I can make sense of it all and sometimes, the shadow of that time still looms.