In.Loving.Memory.Of....
Oscar J. "Junior" Martin. Better known as "Pop".
Ten years ago on Christmas night, I watched you be put in an amublance and then on December 27th, 1995 at 2:00pm, I had to say goodbye to you, while you laid so still and beautiful in the cold coffin. I was only 12 years old, but I can remember it like it was yesterday. A bright, sunny day and the saddest moment of my life, I watched them fire the rifles in your name. From that day on, you've always been with me. As many times as I wanted to give up, I knew you were there for me and held me when I just wanted to fall. I love you. You didn't deserve to die. But I thank you for giving your daughter more time to live. I need her and I know you know it. Thank you. This is for you.
"We're done lying for the living
The Strange days are coming
You're gone, you're gone, either dead or dying
Either dead or trying to go"
Why do I keep feeling so low on myself? I think because it's about to be a new year and it's going to just be another year that I'm going to waste of my life. Every minute that I continue to stay in Louisiana, the more I waste of my life. People are trying to get in and I'm trying to get out.
It's obvious by all my recent blogs that I haven't been on my medication. I need to stay away from the interstate, because everytime I get on it, I get the urge to just go, just leave, fuck it all, never look back, cause the road is clear and so is the sky, so take a chance and run. But something stops me. Something stronger than my misery. Something stronger than my want out of here. I know what it is. My mother. If only I could break it, I could leave. I think the sadder I get in my life, the more of my hope and dreams just fade away. The hope that I would be somewhere else, happy....just happy, doing what I always wanted to do, walk on a beach under the stars and look across to the beautiful lights and feel at home. I've never been so sad that I feel drunk. But then, I watched King Kong today and it just makes you think about how much meaning there is in love. I just don't know if I believe in love. Everything you love just dies. Or you never get to enjoy it, you only suffer to watch someone else enjoy what you loved and then you commit envy and jealousy? So, what's the point? You come out with the shitty end of the stick. So fuck it. Fuck life and everything that people say you'll get in it. I don't see why people continue to tell me that I'm going to do something in my life and I"m going to be someone and that I'm different than most people, I'm not. I'm not going to do anything in my life. I'm a let down, that's what I am. I have dreams that are unrealistic and unreachable. I've been lying to myself since I was 13, why did I ever think that I would do something in my life? I'm not smart, I'm not talented, I have nothing to offer anyone. I have no money. I'm greedy. I'm selfish. I'm a depressie. How can you be important when you suffer with depression? You can't. You just become one of those abnormal persons that no one can understand because we don't make sense. We're depressed for no reasons, we're attention getters. Fuck everyone who doesn't understand it. You just don't understand it because you live in a matrix. You're not really living life, you're just obsessed with the "American" culture: Church, being millionaries, getting married, having kids, being popular, having the best car, having the most friends, being the most fake fuck I've ever seen. That's not living. Living is questioning life. Asking yourself why it is what it is. It's about wondering what the fuck you're doing in your life and why the fuck you do it. Questioning makes you sad....because there's never any real answers for you. I'm just sick of those people who are trapped in the "matrix" and have no real understanding of life. I'm not a hippie, nor do I want to be one, but I just wish everyone could enjoy life at a simple level. Instead, everyone just cares about the evil green. I guess that's just what I need to accept about life. The only way to live is to have money. I need to accept that I'll never have money enough to make me happy, as pathetic as that sounds, but it's true. The only way to really be happy is if you have money to do the things that make you happy.
I don't care if I offend anyone, because if I do offend someone, obviously enough, you just fit into the description.
I"ve made this blog longer than I wanted it to be. I'm sorry to everyone who doesn't understand me and for the ones that I thought understood me, maybe then you did, but now, time changes people and that's not me anymore. I tried. I need to remind myself to stop letting people in, because they never stay.....
ihatechange
imissmyoldfriends
Ten years ago on Christmas night, I watched you be put in an amublance and then on December 27th, 1995 at 2:00pm, I had to say goodbye to you, while you laid so still and beautiful in the cold coffin. I was only 12 years old, but I can remember it like it was yesterday. A bright, sunny day and the saddest moment of my life, I watched them fire the rifles in your name. From that day on, you've always been with me. As many times as I wanted to give up, I knew you were there for me and held me when I just wanted to fall. I love you. You didn't deserve to die. But I thank you for giving your daughter more time to live. I need her and I know you know it. Thank you. This is for you.
"We're done lying for the living
The Strange days are coming
You're gone, you're gone, either dead or dying
Either dead or trying to go"
Why do I keep feeling so low on myself? I think because it's about to be a new year and it's going to just be another year that I'm going to waste of my life. Every minute that I continue to stay in Louisiana, the more I waste of my life. People are trying to get in and I'm trying to get out.
It's obvious by all my recent blogs that I haven't been on my medication. I need to stay away from the interstate, because everytime I get on it, I get the urge to just go, just leave, fuck it all, never look back, cause the road is clear and so is the sky, so take a chance and run. But something stops me. Something stronger than my misery. Something stronger than my want out of here. I know what it is. My mother. If only I could break it, I could leave. I think the sadder I get in my life, the more of my hope and dreams just fade away. The hope that I would be somewhere else, happy....just happy, doing what I always wanted to do, walk on a beach under the stars and look across to the beautiful lights and feel at home. I've never been so sad that I feel drunk. But then, I watched King Kong today and it just makes you think about how much meaning there is in love. I just don't know if I believe in love. Everything you love just dies. Or you never get to enjoy it, you only suffer to watch someone else enjoy what you loved and then you commit envy and jealousy? So, what's the point? You come out with the shitty end of the stick. So fuck it. Fuck life and everything that people say you'll get in it. I don't see why people continue to tell me that I'm going to do something in my life and I"m going to be someone and that I'm different than most people, I'm not. I'm not going to do anything in my life. I'm a let down, that's what I am. I have dreams that are unrealistic and unreachable. I've been lying to myself since I was 13, why did I ever think that I would do something in my life? I'm not smart, I'm not talented, I have nothing to offer anyone. I have no money. I'm greedy. I'm selfish. I'm a depressie. How can you be important when you suffer with depression? You can't. You just become one of those abnormal persons that no one can understand because we don't make sense. We're depressed for no reasons, we're attention getters. Fuck everyone who doesn't understand it. You just don't understand it because you live in a matrix. You're not really living life, you're just obsessed with the "American" culture: Church, being millionaries, getting married, having kids, being popular, having the best car, having the most friends, being the most fake fuck I've ever seen. That's not living. Living is questioning life. Asking yourself why it is what it is. It's about wondering what the fuck you're doing in your life and why the fuck you do it. Questioning makes you sad....because there's never any real answers for you. I'm just sick of those people who are trapped in the "matrix" and have no real understanding of life. I'm not a hippie, nor do I want to be one, but I just wish everyone could enjoy life at a simple level. Instead, everyone just cares about the evil green. I guess that's just what I need to accept about life. The only way to live is to have money. I need to accept that I'll never have money enough to make me happy, as pathetic as that sounds, but it's true. The only way to really be happy is if you have money to do the things that make you happy.
I don't care if I offend anyone, because if I do offend someone, obviously enough, you just fit into the description.
I"ve made this blog longer than I wanted it to be. I'm sorry to everyone who doesn't understand me and for the ones that I thought understood me, maybe then you did, but now, time changes people and that's not me anymore. I tried. I need to remind myself to stop letting people in, because they never stay.....
ihatechange
imissmyoldfriends