Ever.Stopped.To.Think
about what certain things in life mean to you? This whole experience with these hurricanes have left me wondering about how precious life is. I take small things in my life for granted, yet the bigger events in my life seems to matter more. Why? Why do those things matter? For instance, moving. I'm ready to move. I really am now. I find myself having nothing left in Louisiana. Anything that I ever really cared about is either gone or just not really there anymore. I find myself just being more miserable thinking about things in my life here that are so far from me now. They are distance. Depressing. Memorable. Happy. Too many emotions.
Although, I hate to admit I would definitely still miss alot of things here. The new friends I have made these past two semesters at UL. The number one person that makes me feel really good about myself, Marissa. She's probably the most awesome ass person and most similiar person but yet we're also different. I seem to get along better with people who aren't exactly like myself. She rocks anyone's socks, I don't care what people say. I really would like to see us graduate together. I think that would be interesting. She's one of the few people I definitely am glad to have met and enjoy spending time with her. I'll totally miss her when I move, I guess that's why I have to spend alot of time with her punk ass. Love you, Marissa. If there is one person I can count on, she is probably the number one person who will be there for you in a fucking heart beat and will do ANYTHING for you. She's one of the few people I respect and would do the same for. <3s for her.
I won't lie. There are people I have met here in my short time in Lafayette that I definitely love. Mostly, Ariana and Jenny. Those two people are kick ass mother fuckers. *sorry, I'm a sailor and that's how I know how to express how cool those kids are* But, seriously, they are always listening to me bitch and whine, whereas I do the same for them. They invite me places, unlike my life in New Iberia, where no one rarely called me, yet I still miss that shit ass place. Why? I don't know. I guess because some memories there are worth keeping and I cherish them alot. Anyway, Ariana and Jenny definitely deserve some <3s. I love them. They have made my stay in Lafayette here comfortablely easy. Thank you guys. I'll never forget the first time we all met. Good times. Collectively good.
My brother and I had a conversation about things in my past, how I can't seem to get over them. Although I tell myself I am, I don't. I wish I could. The thing I think about the most is my time I spent living on South Drive. I guess it means alot to me because it is where I found myself, I grew up from 13-17. A big part of my teenage life was spent there. I know the people who are going to read this will be like "stfu and get over it", in many ways, I am. I'm starting to realize that I'm missing out on my early 20s.
On another note, I was reading someone's blog about happiness. I thought about happiness today and I came up with the idea that everyone finds happiness in many different forms. For a small amount of happiness in my life, I usually find it in the smaller things in my life. Happiness to me is still searching, but slowly learning that it's only of what you make of something. For instance, spending this past weekend with my brother through the hurricane was probably a big high for me, yet it was so simple, but just knowing that I was there with him and we were in an adventure and having the time of our lives like when we were kids was just an amazing feeling. The idea that I can still continue to make memories with my brother is probably the best happiness I can ever achieve because if there's any one person that knows the most about me and we can talk about anything, it's him. He's a big piece of my happiness. He's never my sadness. He's never my anger. He's never my hate. He's only my best friend---part of the happiness that I've been overlooking.
Wow. I'm writing this big ass blog on sadness, yet happiness and on so many people that are apart of my life. My life is contradiction. One big contradiction, but maybe that's what makes me human?
There are so many people that I can name and write about, but I'm afraid I would leave someone out. So, I feel that if I have ever told you anything about myself you deserve <3s. You people are the ones that I feel mean something to me to have me explain myself.
The one person that got me thinking about writing this blog, I can't write about. I find at a block. Not a writer's block. But of a block that my heart and my mind have come to agree upon that it's for the best that I continue to just forget...at least remember that I tried to forget....
One day, I will face the one person I am deathly afraid to write about. The one person that I usually have trouble writing about in the first place. I just never want to say goodbye like I've already done with one person that I didn't think I ever would have had to say it to.
Now, on to the hurricane events. The people who have kept me strong through this all are the people who have continued to keep me alive, yet they are all so far away. California. New York. Ohio. Canada. Florida. Okalohoma*sp*, North Carolina, and any other state that I have missed. Ro, Rosi, Barbara, Avery, DrunkBob, David, Dyana, Ben, Nikki, and everyone else. I love you guys. You all have been my strength. To know that I can survive this crap.
Especially Ro, who continued to text me the entire night of the hurricane and call me. When there was no t.v., no lights, everyone sleeping and you're up staring at shit flying in the wind and the rain pouring...and this one person so far away is there for you it really makes a big difference. So thank you Ro.
Avery, thanks for texting me as well. I just couldn't text you back because my bill is going to be skyrocket. It meant alot that you were showing you cared.
Rosi, you are but amazing. In the dictionary next to the word AMAZING is your picture. And for everyone to see how fucking awesome this girl is this is what she told me in an IM:
"BopBaDoo: well you know we all are here for you, and if i could i would be out there in a heart beat, we love and care, and wish nothing but the best, and wish that everything will be ok"
Thank you so much Rosi. It has made this night better than it was ending.
I know this entry is long, but it was never meant for anyone to really take the time out of their own busy life to read. It was for my own sake. It was for me too look back and see what I felt then.
If there was ever a time that I have ever been this stressed, I can't really recall it. If there was another time that something like this has affected me, I can't recall that either.
I feel like I need to be hiding during these next few months from some people. I just keep feeling like there's no one that really wants to listen to my petty stories, maybe it's time for me to just turn the page in my original journal and write everything that has been happening in the past few weeks and months in it. I know people will listen to me, but I just feel like right now is the wrong time because there are people right now in my own fucking town without a home or a place to go and they are stuck in a shelter. I wish I had my own place, I would give it up for someone to stay.
I know I have made this journal longer than it should have been, but it's been a very long time since I have wrote my feelings down. When you hold so much in, you always have to just let it out.
My greatest fear is death. I'm 20 years old and my greatest fear is death. To me, that picture is horribly wrong and scary at the same time. Most 20 years old fear being in debt, failing college, losing a job, smaller things. Yet, I fear my own death and my moms. Whenever I take a breath, I think of it as my last and frights me so much that I get this weird feeling through my body, like a very cold feeling. Maybe that's where most of my anxiety attacks start from. My ideas of disaster in my life.
*sigh* I'm sorry to anyone who has read this journal. I didn't mean for it to be so long.
To end this. I'm going to post a few lyrics that I've been finding reflect my own feelings:
" So you're selfish, and I'm sorry.
When I'm gone you'll be going nowhere fast
Nowhere fast, nowhere fast.
Would you believe me if I said I didn't need you,
'cause I wouldn't believe you if you said the same to me.
Near death, last breath, and barely hanging on.
Would you believe me if I said I didn't need you?
Don't be so scared to take a second for reflection,
to take a leave of absence, see what you're made of.
So I'm selfish, and you're sorry.
When I'm gone you'll be going nowhere fast.
So who's selfish, and who's sorry? "~The Academy Is...
"Get away from me
This isn't gonna be easy
But I don't need you
Believe me
You got a piece of me
But it's just a little piece of me
And I don't need anyone
And these days I feel like I'm fading away
Like sometimes when I hear myself on the radio"~Counting Crows
"I guess I thought that someone would notice
I guess I thought somebody would say something
If I was missing "~Counting Crows
And for the record, When Everybody Loves You, You Can Never Be Lonely, I want to Paint My Picture
Paint Myself Blue And Red And Black and Gray, All The Beautiful Colors, Very Meaningful....
and if you know me....my most true favorite color is Gray. The color of confusion but at the very least my very own beauty within...
Although, I hate to admit I would definitely still miss alot of things here. The new friends I have made these past two semesters at UL. The number one person that makes me feel really good about myself, Marissa. She's probably the most awesome ass person and most similiar person but yet we're also different. I seem to get along better with people who aren't exactly like myself. She rocks anyone's socks, I don't care what people say. I really would like to see us graduate together. I think that would be interesting. She's one of the few people I definitely am glad to have met and enjoy spending time with her. I'll totally miss her when I move, I guess that's why I have to spend alot of time with her punk ass. Love you, Marissa. If there is one person I can count on, she is probably the number one person who will be there for you in a fucking heart beat and will do ANYTHING for you. She's one of the few people I respect and would do the same for. <3s for her.
I won't lie. There are people I have met here in my short time in Lafayette that I definitely love. Mostly, Ariana and Jenny. Those two people are kick ass mother fuckers. *sorry, I'm a sailor and that's how I know how to express how cool those kids are* But, seriously, they are always listening to me bitch and whine, whereas I do the same for them. They invite me places, unlike my life in New Iberia, where no one rarely called me, yet I still miss that shit ass place. Why? I don't know. I guess because some memories there are worth keeping and I cherish them alot. Anyway, Ariana and Jenny definitely deserve some <3s. I love them. They have made my stay in Lafayette here comfortablely easy. Thank you guys. I'll never forget the first time we all met. Good times. Collectively good.
My brother and I had a conversation about things in my past, how I can't seem to get over them. Although I tell myself I am, I don't. I wish I could. The thing I think about the most is my time I spent living on South Drive. I guess it means alot to me because it is where I found myself, I grew up from 13-17. A big part of my teenage life was spent there. I know the people who are going to read this will be like "stfu and get over it", in many ways, I am. I'm starting to realize that I'm missing out on my early 20s.
On another note, I was reading someone's blog about happiness. I thought about happiness today and I came up with the idea that everyone finds happiness in many different forms. For a small amount of happiness in my life, I usually find it in the smaller things in my life. Happiness to me is still searching, but slowly learning that it's only of what you make of something. For instance, spending this past weekend with my brother through the hurricane was probably a big high for me, yet it was so simple, but just knowing that I was there with him and we were in an adventure and having the time of our lives like when we were kids was just an amazing feeling. The idea that I can still continue to make memories with my brother is probably the best happiness I can ever achieve because if there's any one person that knows the most about me and we can talk about anything, it's him. He's a big piece of my happiness. He's never my sadness. He's never my anger. He's never my hate. He's only my best friend---part of the happiness that I've been overlooking.
Wow. I'm writing this big ass blog on sadness, yet happiness and on so many people that are apart of my life. My life is contradiction. One big contradiction, but maybe that's what makes me human?
There are so many people that I can name and write about, but I'm afraid I would leave someone out. So, I feel that if I have ever told you anything about myself you deserve <3s. You people are the ones that I feel mean something to me to have me explain myself.
The one person that got me thinking about writing this blog, I can't write about. I find at a block. Not a writer's block. But of a block that my heart and my mind have come to agree upon that it's for the best that I continue to just forget...at least remember that I tried to forget....
One day, I will face the one person I am deathly afraid to write about. The one person that I usually have trouble writing about in the first place. I just never want to say goodbye like I've already done with one person that I didn't think I ever would have had to say it to.
Now, on to the hurricane events. The people who have kept me strong through this all are the people who have continued to keep me alive, yet they are all so far away. California. New York. Ohio. Canada. Florida. Okalohoma*sp*, North Carolina, and any other state that I have missed. Ro, Rosi, Barbara, Avery, DrunkBob, David, Dyana, Ben, Nikki, and everyone else. I love you guys. You all have been my strength. To know that I can survive this crap.
Especially Ro, who continued to text me the entire night of the hurricane and call me. When there was no t.v., no lights, everyone sleeping and you're up staring at shit flying in the wind and the rain pouring...and this one person so far away is there for you it really makes a big difference. So thank you Ro.
Avery, thanks for texting me as well. I just couldn't text you back because my bill is going to be skyrocket. It meant alot that you were showing you cared.
Rosi, you are but amazing. In the dictionary next to the word AMAZING is your picture. And for everyone to see how fucking awesome this girl is this is what she told me in an IM:
"BopBaDoo: well you know we all are here for you, and if i could i would be out there in a heart beat, we love and care, and wish nothing but the best, and wish that everything will be ok"
Thank you so much Rosi. It has made this night better than it was ending.
I know this entry is long, but it was never meant for anyone to really take the time out of their own busy life to read. It was for my own sake. It was for me too look back and see what I felt then.
If there was ever a time that I have ever been this stressed, I can't really recall it. If there was another time that something like this has affected me, I can't recall that either.
I feel like I need to be hiding during these next few months from some people. I just keep feeling like there's no one that really wants to listen to my petty stories, maybe it's time for me to just turn the page in my original journal and write everything that has been happening in the past few weeks and months in it. I know people will listen to me, but I just feel like right now is the wrong time because there are people right now in my own fucking town without a home or a place to go and they are stuck in a shelter. I wish I had my own place, I would give it up for someone to stay.
I know I have made this journal longer than it should have been, but it's been a very long time since I have wrote my feelings down. When you hold so much in, you always have to just let it out.
My greatest fear is death. I'm 20 years old and my greatest fear is death. To me, that picture is horribly wrong and scary at the same time. Most 20 years old fear being in debt, failing college, losing a job, smaller things. Yet, I fear my own death and my moms. Whenever I take a breath, I think of it as my last and frights me so much that I get this weird feeling through my body, like a very cold feeling. Maybe that's where most of my anxiety attacks start from. My ideas of disaster in my life.
*sigh* I'm sorry to anyone who has read this journal. I didn't mean for it to be so long.
To end this. I'm going to post a few lyrics that I've been finding reflect my own feelings:
" So you're selfish, and I'm sorry.
When I'm gone you'll be going nowhere fast
Nowhere fast, nowhere fast.
Would you believe me if I said I didn't need you,
'cause I wouldn't believe you if you said the same to me.
Near death, last breath, and barely hanging on.
Would you believe me if I said I didn't need you?
Don't be so scared to take a second for reflection,
to take a leave of absence, see what you're made of.
So I'm selfish, and you're sorry.
When I'm gone you'll be going nowhere fast.
So who's selfish, and who's sorry? "~The Academy Is...
"Get away from me
This isn't gonna be easy
But I don't need you
Believe me
You got a piece of me
But it's just a little piece of me
And I don't need anyone
And these days I feel like I'm fading away
Like sometimes when I hear myself on the radio"~Counting Crows
"I guess I thought that someone would notice
I guess I thought somebody would say something
If I was missing "~Counting Crows
And for the record, When Everybody Loves You, You Can Never Be Lonely, I want to Paint My Picture
Paint Myself Blue And Red And Black and Gray, All The Beautiful Colors, Very Meaningful....
and if you know me....my most true favorite color is Gray. The color of confusion but at the very least my very own beauty within...