yay family.
on monday night (two days ago) i went over to mom and dad's house to have dinner and see sean as he was in town for a week visiting them.
i came after lacrosse practice so i wasn't there until 7 30 or so. i haven't seen sean in over a year so i was excited to see him but i still get so much angst just from the anticipation of seeing him. we have such a history of dysfunction... pain... secrets... and so much anger. i am always afraid of what will happen bc i know that within minutes of our seeing each other (no matter how long it's been since we've seen each other) we fight. sometimes, rarely, it's been different - but we've been this way since before i can remember... the pain goes too far and i think just being in each other's presence is almost more than we can bare. anyway, i got into the house - gave hugs to mom, dad and our neighbor that came over for a visit - sean didn't come out of the kitchen to see me so i went in there and gave him a hug. i commented on how built he looked and that it looked good - he said for me to calm down and lay off. so he went into the other room, i heated up some dinner, and i went and sat down on the floor in the living room where everyone was sorta watching a movie. i say sorta b/c everyone was talking too, it was more just to supply background noise and a default conversation starter. well, i sat down on the floor beside my dad in his chair and in front of the couch that sean was sitting on. i sat munching on a tortilla chip as my dad put his arm down and scratched my back. (he's so sweet... and yeah, we're a touchy family) sean was talking about how to make a mojito or something and i put my hand on his leg and rubbed it, i said 'it's so good to see you' - to which he turned to me and said "okay, that's enough rache, that's enough" with this patronizing look like he was trying to teach a retarded kid how to juggle and getting frustrated. i was like 'oookay sean, i was just trying to be nice and tell you i was happy to see you' and he's all "just get your hands off me. you're *stuttering trying not to swear* petting me" and my dad jokingly goes 'we pet the ones we love' as he was rubbing my back too. sean just sat back all huffy. i turned to my dad and said "you let the ones you love back pet you". and there was silence. i pretended not to notice the fact that sean didn't rush to correct me... but i knew his answer, i guess that's why it hurts so badly. so i just got up, faking i had to get something in the kitchen and sat by my mom on the other side of the room for the rest of the night. ah family.
it's crazy the people in your life that have the power to just rip you apart within a matter of minutes. the few people in the world that have affected you so deeply that whenever they respond to you it has the potential to break you. well as often as i promise myself that sean doesn't have power over me or my worth i still walked out of there feeling like the scum of the earth. it's weird, even though all this shit has been going on over the last 6 months that has totally humbled/humiliated me - this 3 minute interaction with sean crushes me on such a different, more raw level. it's like sean has hated me for so long, and for so many reasons that i have had no control over (which is the key difference between my most recent humblings/humiliations) and for some reason i feel like he knows this truth about me... he controls that ever-present "knowledge" that my life causes people pain, im utterly worthless, a waste, unworthy of love or attention, and just awful overall. and the sad part to me is that i recognize this but still i walk out of my parents house 40 minutes later and that pit seems like the only place i can see. i hate that just one look, one sigh, one comment can have such a profound effect on me, but it does. it's like the constant rejection and i can't get myself to stop seeking acceptance from him, and/or love. talk about a dry well.
but then my dad called me today on his way home from work. he congratulated me on our win yesterday and getting to the next rounds of playoffs. i told him about my day and that i was too tired to come over for dinner again. towards the end of the call he said 'i also want to talk about one other thing with you sometime soon' - i asked 'regarding..?' - he hesitated and said 'i noticed the other night you and sean had a moment. i just wanted to tell you that you're so sweet and tender, don't lose that. you're beautiful the way you are and don't stop being affectionate because of that. it was cold of him and he's like that, who knows if that will ever change. i just don't want you to walk away feeling like you did anything wrong b/c you didn't. you were welcoming, tender and loving. so, i guess i just wanted to affirm you in that. stay the way you are rache.' -- i can't tell you how much that meant to me. my dad gets it, he gets me, and im so thankful for that. sean's a prick to me, and dad knows that too. at this point in life, there's no swaying sean's opinion of me... but just that my dad saw me, saw the situation and how hurt it made me... it was so nice. i told my dad that even though i was exhausted another (more honest) reason i wasn't going to dinner was b/c of sean, he said he understood. *sighs*
i came after lacrosse practice so i wasn't there until 7 30 or so. i haven't seen sean in over a year so i was excited to see him but i still get so much angst just from the anticipation of seeing him. we have such a history of dysfunction... pain... secrets... and so much anger. i am always afraid of what will happen bc i know that within minutes of our seeing each other (no matter how long it's been since we've seen each other) we fight. sometimes, rarely, it's been different - but we've been this way since before i can remember... the pain goes too far and i think just being in each other's presence is almost more than we can bare. anyway, i got into the house - gave hugs to mom, dad and our neighbor that came over for a visit - sean didn't come out of the kitchen to see me so i went in there and gave him a hug. i commented on how built he looked and that it looked good - he said for me to calm down and lay off. so he went into the other room, i heated up some dinner, and i went and sat down on the floor in the living room where everyone was sorta watching a movie. i say sorta b/c everyone was talking too, it was more just to supply background noise and a default conversation starter. well, i sat down on the floor beside my dad in his chair and in front of the couch that sean was sitting on. i sat munching on a tortilla chip as my dad put his arm down and scratched my back. (he's so sweet... and yeah, we're a touchy family) sean was talking about how to make a mojito or something and i put my hand on his leg and rubbed it, i said 'it's so good to see you' - to which he turned to me and said "okay, that's enough rache, that's enough" with this patronizing look like he was trying to teach a retarded kid how to juggle and getting frustrated. i was like 'oookay sean, i was just trying to be nice and tell you i was happy to see you' and he's all "just get your hands off me. you're *stuttering trying not to swear* petting me" and my dad jokingly goes 'we pet the ones we love' as he was rubbing my back too. sean just sat back all huffy. i turned to my dad and said "you let the ones you love back pet you". and there was silence. i pretended not to notice the fact that sean didn't rush to correct me... but i knew his answer, i guess that's why it hurts so badly. so i just got up, faking i had to get something in the kitchen and sat by my mom on the other side of the room for the rest of the night. ah family.
it's crazy the people in your life that have the power to just rip you apart within a matter of minutes. the few people in the world that have affected you so deeply that whenever they respond to you it has the potential to break you. well as often as i promise myself that sean doesn't have power over me or my worth i still walked out of there feeling like the scum of the earth. it's weird, even though all this shit has been going on over the last 6 months that has totally humbled/humiliated me - this 3 minute interaction with sean crushes me on such a different, more raw level. it's like sean has hated me for so long, and for so many reasons that i have had no control over (which is the key difference between my most recent humblings/humiliations) and for some reason i feel like he knows this truth about me... he controls that ever-present "knowledge" that my life causes people pain, im utterly worthless, a waste, unworthy of love or attention, and just awful overall. and the sad part to me is that i recognize this but still i walk out of my parents house 40 minutes later and that pit seems like the only place i can see. i hate that just one look, one sigh, one comment can have such a profound effect on me, but it does. it's like the constant rejection and i can't get myself to stop seeking acceptance from him, and/or love. talk about a dry well.
but then my dad called me today on his way home from work. he congratulated me on our win yesterday and getting to the next rounds of playoffs. i told him about my day and that i was too tired to come over for dinner again. towards the end of the call he said 'i also want to talk about one other thing with you sometime soon' - i asked 'regarding..?' - he hesitated and said 'i noticed the other night you and sean had a moment. i just wanted to tell you that you're so sweet and tender, don't lose that. you're beautiful the way you are and don't stop being affectionate because of that. it was cold of him and he's like that, who knows if that will ever change. i just don't want you to walk away feeling like you did anything wrong b/c you didn't. you were welcoming, tender and loving. so, i guess i just wanted to affirm you in that. stay the way you are rache.' -- i can't tell you how much that meant to me. my dad gets it, he gets me, and im so thankful for that. sean's a prick to me, and dad knows that too. at this point in life, there's no swaying sean's opinion of me... but just that my dad saw me, saw the situation and how hurt it made me... it was so nice. i told my dad that even though i was exhausted another (more honest) reason i wasn't going to dinner was b/c of sean, he said he understood. *sighs*