Life goes on, despite not wanting it to.
*Warning, graphic miscarriage details*
It really is true, life does go on. My world stopped spinning, and yet the earth continued to carry on it's way. I have had quite the rollercoaster ride the last few days. No extreme highs, just lows, and even lower lows. I have gone from feeling slightly optimisitic to beyond hopeless. I've felt numb, devistated, exhausted, you name it- if it's negative, I have felt it or am feeling it. I stopped sobbing uncontrollably after 2 days, just in time to end up back in emergency with crippling pain in my lower abdomen. (I would later find out that this pain was due to "labour" - unfortunately the labour would end in sadness instead of sheer joy, the way it should have ended 7 months from now.)
When I found out I would miscarry, I was not prepared at all for what was about to happen. The initial tsunami of emotion washed over me and I thought I was dying, purely from a broken heart. Two days of intense emotion hurt. The doctor didn't say I'd have labour pains, or go through physical hell as well. All he said was if it seemed like I was bleeding a lot, to come back to emergency.
I had an ultrasound booked after this for Thursday at 2:00 (two days after I was told I"d miscarry) Wednesday night I started to feel crampy, and as the night went on the cramps got worse, the pain more intense, coming on every 15 mins or so, then the time between them got shorter... "contractions" I thought to myself. Then they were 5 mins apart. I didn't sleep the whole night, spent 2 hours in the bathtub wiling the pain to stop. It just wouldn't. Our power went out at 6:30 am and I remember panicking because we wouldn't be able to flush the toilet more than a couple of times, and I had no microwave now to heat my heatpad in... not that it was helping much at this point. THe pain and the pressure got worse and worse, finally at 9 am I couldn't sit or stand or breathe, I was feeling as though my body was shutting down. I coudln't take any more pain so My husband took me to Emergency. I was able to make it into the door before a volunteer saw me leaning over a garbage can trying to catch my breath. He grabbed a wheel chair and quickly brought me into the triage waiting area, pleading with the other people waiting if I could please go infront of them, as I was obviously in intense pain. After about 15 minutes (seemed like a decade) I was seen by the triage nurse (would have been sooner, but a young lady came in with chest pains and took priority. Note to self, always have chest pains. I saw that my blood pressure was a little on the lower side it's usually on the high side of normal, to me this did not bode well, I seemed to recall something about low blood pressure happening during labour... I wasn't sure these circumstances were the same, however I had myself convinced at that point in time. I was wheeled back out into the waiting room where my husband looked so lost and sad and he rubbed my back and supported me the best way he could. I just wanted the pain to stop. I was trying to bargain with God please make it stop. Finally after 2 hours of waiting, Hiding under a blanket as I was all of a sudden freezing, after sweating profusely... I shifted in the wheel chair and felt a gush of something come pouring out of me. I got up and went to the washroom and a large blob the size of a plum was in the toilet. Blood was pouring out of me. Just like that, the pain was gone.
We waited another half hour before I was taken back to the Gyn room. I was told they'd draw some blood and check my levels, but I was likely miscarrying (DUH)
The next 5 hours was spent going from the gyn room to the bathroom, to the ultrasound room. I was grateful to have my DH there as I was alone on Tues when I was waiting to find out the horrendous news that I received. We passed the time telling eachother everything will be ok, we'll get through this and we'll get the family we so desperately want. Finally the doctor came in and said my bloodwork confirmed that the pregnancy was no more, my levels had dropped 3000 points in 2 days and the pain I had experienced was labour. He explained to me that first trimester miscarriages happen for a reason, usually chromosome abnormalities, and that there was nothing I could've done to prevent it, and nothing i did caused it. I felt relief. I had been so emotional the 3 days before, I was dealing with this very matter of factly. My heart was breaking watching my husband take this news in from a medical professional, it some how sealed the deal... our baby was definitely gone. I was told i could experience more pain, and bleeding likely for the next week or so. This doctor was amazing compared to the guy I had on Tuesday. He said he didn't get a chance to see my second ultrasound at that point, but that everything seemed to be progressing on it's own, it it's own time, and if there was any concern when he did see the ultrasound, they'd call me back in to see where we'd go from there. I haven't heard, I"m taking this as a good sign.
We came home, pain meds in hand and because it was the most horrid, terrifying experience in my life, I had some relief that the worst was all over. I will have bad days, I haven't slept the last two nights, obscessed with finding out what the tissues were that I passed and worried that there may be more to come. I had some minor cramping lastnight and passed a rather large clot, but have since not had much pain. I walked for 2 hours today and so far so good. I'm told the emotional hurt will come and go, but with time it will become more bearable. I feel stronger than ever, and feel if I can get through this experience and survive, I can do anything.
I am optimisitic that we will get pregnant again soon, and have the child/children we so desire. I know after going through this I will be paranoid of every twinge and pain, but I still believe it will be worth it. I cannot give up, I will not give up.
I no longer feel cheated by God, I know there's a reason this happened... I am not sure I'll ever be privy to WHY it happened, I just know it did for a reason.