(no subject)
i have nobody to turn to....
she wont even talk to me...i didn't do anything, this happened to me just like it happened to her...
it makes me not want to be in this place anymore...it makes me want to just sleep.
how ridiculous is it that the only person i have to talk to is her friend....who she is probably hanging out with....someone that probably just feels sorry for me because she knows what im going through.
my whole life has fallen apart.....i can't take this shit anymore...i can't do it.
i fucking try....i went to a social at school last night put on by lgbtiq....i watch movies with my mom....i went to a friends tonight and built a bonfire....i registered for next quarter...spoke with advisors....got glasses, got a haircut...went out to coffee with friends....i cant fucking cut it....im okay most of the time but then it all presses down on me...im just pretending all of the time...im pretending that its okay...that im going through a breakup from a serious relationship but c'est la vie...thats life...what can ya do? get back on the horse and try harder...improve yourself....thats fine 95% of the fake fucking time...but then it comes down to this moment....when im driving home...and im crying....and i have nobody to call....and i have nothing to do. nothing to distract me. I come home....to an empty house...my mom isnt even here....i just sit in the middle of the livingroom and cry. I want to slap myself...like fucking snap out of it...life goes on....there are major things i can do...for school...for myself....but all i want to do is curl up in her arms...watch a movie....paint a picture with her.....cook her dinner....hear her fucking voice....thats all....just have her call and ask how im doing.....if im alive....how im dealing....what i did today....something. but i get nothing.
a year and a half and within a week she's gone....like she was never even there.
i don't function this way...and try as i might...i want to just shoot myself...im up against this wall and i keep fighting and running and struggling against the wave....but it keeps crashing into me.
i cry at night. i hold the stuffed bear my parents got me with my stocking for christmas....i have dreams about her....i cant fucking escape.
i think im having a good productive day....i think im starting to come out of it....and it all comes crashing against me....and im sucked beneath these emotins that crush me.....crush me so i cant breathe....all i can do is cry. Ive never been this degraded in my life....ive never felt so sacraficed. ive never been so unable to bounce back at something thrown my way....ive never been so incredibly and unexpectedly taken by someone that is able to shut me off like i never knew them....like i never existed.
last night i wanted to call so bad. i journaled instead...i wrote a letter....saying all the things i would say had i made the call....it made me feel better for a little while....but i still cried until i fell asleep. i take showers and i dont feel the water...before i even blink i realize that im standing in a stream of ice cold shower water and my teeth are chattering and i never even did anything.
i go to school and the faces pass by....i act the part....i say the words....i laugh at the jokes...i shake hands and exchange names and basic info....but i feel nothing. i feel nothing.
when she shut off towards me...i shut off towards the world...and i fight to light something within myself...i tell myself i dont need her because she doesnt love me how i thought she did...how i needed her to...and so it shouldnt matter...but it doesnt work that way....it doesnt work.
i tell myself i have to grow...i need to experience....see things for myself without a dependent near me...without an emotional support. i need to recreate myself....but it all falls apart when i wake up alone. I forget what the point is. It only takes a split second and all of my progress goes to shit.
i am completely spent and i dont know how much longer i can go on like this...
she wont even talk to me...i didn't do anything, this happened to me just like it happened to her...
it makes me not want to be in this place anymore...it makes me want to just sleep.
how ridiculous is it that the only person i have to talk to is her friend....who she is probably hanging out with....someone that probably just feels sorry for me because she knows what im going through.
my whole life has fallen apart.....i can't take this shit anymore...i can't do it.
i fucking try....i went to a social at school last night put on by lgbtiq....i watch movies with my mom....i went to a friends tonight and built a bonfire....i registered for next quarter...spoke with advisors....got glasses, got a haircut...went out to coffee with friends....i cant fucking cut it....im okay most of the time but then it all presses down on me...im just pretending all of the time...im pretending that its okay...that im going through a breakup from a serious relationship but c'est la vie...thats life...what can ya do? get back on the horse and try harder...improve yourself....thats fine 95% of the fake fucking time...but then it comes down to this moment....when im driving home...and im crying....and i have nobody to call....and i have nothing to do. nothing to distract me. I come home....to an empty house...my mom isnt even here....i just sit in the middle of the livingroom and cry. I want to slap myself...like fucking snap out of it...life goes on....there are major things i can do...for school...for myself....but all i want to do is curl up in her arms...watch a movie....paint a picture with her.....cook her dinner....hear her fucking voice....thats all....just have her call and ask how im doing.....if im alive....how im dealing....what i did today....something. but i get nothing.
a year and a half and within a week she's gone....like she was never even there.
i don't function this way...and try as i might...i want to just shoot myself...im up against this wall and i keep fighting and running and struggling against the wave....but it keeps crashing into me.
i cry at night. i hold the stuffed bear my parents got me with my stocking for christmas....i have dreams about her....i cant fucking escape.
i think im having a good productive day....i think im starting to come out of it....and it all comes crashing against me....and im sucked beneath these emotins that crush me.....crush me so i cant breathe....all i can do is cry. Ive never been this degraded in my life....ive never felt so sacraficed. ive never been so unable to bounce back at something thrown my way....ive never been so incredibly and unexpectedly taken by someone that is able to shut me off like i never knew them....like i never existed.
last night i wanted to call so bad. i journaled instead...i wrote a letter....saying all the things i would say had i made the call....it made me feel better for a little while....but i still cried until i fell asleep. i take showers and i dont feel the water...before i even blink i realize that im standing in a stream of ice cold shower water and my teeth are chattering and i never even did anything.
i go to school and the faces pass by....i act the part....i say the words....i laugh at the jokes...i shake hands and exchange names and basic info....but i feel nothing. i feel nothing.
when she shut off towards me...i shut off towards the world...and i fight to light something within myself...i tell myself i dont need her because she doesnt love me how i thought she did...how i needed her to...and so it shouldnt matter...but it doesnt work that way....it doesnt work.
i tell myself i have to grow...i need to experience....see things for myself without a dependent near me...without an emotional support. i need to recreate myself....but it all falls apart when i wake up alone. I forget what the point is. It only takes a split second and all of my progress goes to shit.
i am completely spent and i dont know how much longer i can go on like this...