get my own life? i do have a life, and you know what you can be part of it if you want to be. But the reason im goin through hell right is because i dont know what to think of last week. between the letter, and you apologizing and wanting to be with me, and then needing to talk to me, and then when i am there you left, and then you question whether i love you or not, and then say you need to drop contact. Whats going on? I need you to tell me, so atleast i can set my head on straight again, because im still stuck in last week, and still reeling from it. I dont know whats going on, what your reasons were for going back and forth so quickly, or what i mean to you after last week. I know you say you love me, but what does that mean to you, i need you to explain some things to me, because they just dont make sense, and im tryin to hang in there for you, because you are worth it to me, but i dont know whether you feel like everything is my fault, and maybe it is, i dont know, or what happened to change your mind so quickly, or what pressures are being put upon you, or anything thats going on. I need you to tell me so i can really understand ok. because the reason i cant even think straight, eat or sleep, is because last week is bothering me so much, and has be so confused. And wouldnt i have to lose you in order to try to get you back? You said you just needed time without contact, but you would still wait for me, like im waiting for you, how is that losing someone. Its just i dont understand anything about last week, how quickly everything happened, how back and forth and dramatic everything was, and i need you to explain some things to me. And i wont be on tomorrow before class, because i have work from 7:00 AM to 3:30 PM, and then i have a 4:00 class, and then a trumpet lesson, and then orchestra, so ill probably be gone all day, until about 9 or 10 at night atleast, so if you do choose to reply and either agree to meet me or find some way to explain whats going on, then i wont get it until then unless youre on tonight, and im going to bed by 12:30. All i need you to do is just tell me whats really been happening, what really happened and why things happened the way they did last week. Because i cant make any sense of it, im tryin to figure out what i did to offend you, or confuse you, if i did anything, and how you all of a sudden say you needed to break contact, without mentioning that you might need to before that. And a few days before you said you needed to, you were actually about ready to leave to be with me, and were extemely apologetic about letting them force you to write that letter. Look im gonna go try to eat something, i havent been able to eat more than an english muffin all day, and my back is killing me right now. I DO love you, if i didnt, wouldnt have held on this long and waited, and i wouldnt still be willing to. And it wouldnt hurt so bad, all the confusion of last week if i didnt. And i am willing to do this for you, i just need you to explain some things to me first. And then you say you need a few months, okay that i can deal with, but i cant deal with two years of no contact at all, because hell, how would we even be able to figure out how to be within driving distance of eachother if we could when we went to college. you said you wanted to atleast be able to visit eachother, and i want that too, especially after all this time and there being more ahead probably that we wont be able to see eachother. Look if you feel you still want me to go to either of your proms with you, then you gotta let me know ahead of time, and i dont mean right now, i mean just with enough time for us to figure out logistics, and for me to rent a tux, other wise im wearing my suit, and thats just too bad, lol. And who you fell in love with is who i really am, im just really confused right now from recent events, and i just need to be able to straighten some things out with you first, so i can just relax and try to make something of this next few months.
im already freakin out. thats why i need to straighten some things out with you. I love you too, but my head is all fucked up from the past couple weeks.
ill be in a mixing session until 4 and then i have jazz til 6, and then from 7 to 8:45 i have recording class, reviewing for a final. Ill be home around 10 or 10:30 if you can be on, but theres too much to ask you online, and i need to talk to you about some things in person. I love you, i really do, but i need to straighten some things out with you in person. And the closest to the school that i will come is the municipal building, or the randolph trails right by there. Theres apparently some rumor going around the school that ive been stalking you too. And not freaking out? too late, already have been, because my head it royally messed up from the last couple weeks. And what i want is not for you to just walk out of my life, thats not what i want. I love you, and i want to be with you, but some things really need to get striaghtened out. Ill be on later tonight, and tomorrow morning probably, before 1:00 PM. I love you please dont ever forget that, but i really need this from you, i need you to tell me whats really been going on.
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