HURT
How time changes everything in a split second.Yesterday i when with my friend kathy to do some shopping actually we when to like 3 different malls .There were so many brutally handsome goodlokin guys in those malls and i started to become really tortured and that sorta ruin my day.Everytime i saw a goodlokin guy some how i felt hurt inside because i realise how lonely i am and how much i would love to b in a relationship and just be able to be affectionate in that special way with some.I know some would say don`t rush it relationships aren`t all that but i wanna experience 1 .When i arrived home i just went straight to my room and stayed in there for the rest of the evenning, it was raining and i just laid in my bed and covered with my blanket and i then found myself crying .For a long while in such a long time have i ever felt so alone and useless, it really hurt alot.A day that was suppose to be all fun turn into misery.Tonite to be precise about 15mins ago i asked my dad when he would be able to get my student loan for my course and to my surprise he started his answer with the word"WELL".He said that he might get it middle of next year or a little later in 2007 , so i then ask him how come so long and he replied to me that he wants to buy something for his business thats gonna cost about $200,000 and he would need to take a loan to buy it which means his current loan would now increase.Tonite is the first he told me that because all the time he said well i am almost finish paying off this loan so u would get the money and now he drop this news on me.I already know whats gonna be the outcome of that , i would not get my loan next yr and i doubt very much for 2008.God it hurts so badly i mean so many promises and it seems so useless .I want this more than anything else in the world and why everytime sth have to get in my way.The pain of rejection was put laid to rest about 4months ago and now its back even more worse than before.To beomce a pilot is my ultimate dream career i want it so badly and it seems everythime its getting close to do my course something comes up and prevent me from doing it.No one and i mean no one knows how badly i want this , as soon as he told me tonite the tears just couldn`t stop flowing , up to this very second i am still crying cause it really hurts.I mean am so willing to make every necessary sacrifice to do my course , my mind is completely made up and my heart is completely into it and so is my ambition,why am i being tortured like this.Right now i am trying to think clearly and derive a plan to get to do my course.Damn i want it so fucking badly why huh why everytime single time is the same shit over and over why ????????????????????.God plzs guide and strengthen my patience plzs i beg of u,i know i have done some things in the past thats not to godly and if this is the price i pay plzs listen to what i have to say"OH LORD HAVE MERCY ON MY SOUL FOR I HAVE WALKED THE SINFUL ROAD AM GONNA GET DOWN ON MY KNESS AND BEG FOR FORGIVENESS TO HELP SET ME FREE OH LOrd HAVE MERCY ON ME PLZS.PLz god just help me and keep guiding me.