What's Your Name? Who's Your Daddy? Is He Rich Like Me? (2/?)
Fandom: House
Pairing: (none)
Rating: PG
Summary: Chase has a long-lost illegitimate son. Lulz ensue.
A/N: I decided that the fourth wall was getting on my nerves, so everyone, notably Wilson, no longer acknowledges it.
When House walked into the conference room, Dashiell waved cheerily. Chase was face-down on the table. House knew immediately what had happened.
“I’ll be right back!” he said, dashing out of the room as best he could with a cane.
He slammed Cuddy’s door open.
“House, Wilson and I are speaking.” Cuddy said.
“So?”
“Privately.”
“Wilson.” House said. Wilson turned reluctantly.
“I’m jumpier than a virgin at a prison rodeo.”
“That’s…pretty jumpy. Dude! No way!” Wilson stood to leave.
“What the hell are you guys talking about?” Cuddy exasperatedly demanded.
“You don’t understand,” Wilson said, “There’s drama afoot.”
“Of course I understand, I run this goddamn hospital! I have taken every rehashed Degrassi plotline you people have thrown at me! Now tell me what you’re talking about.”
“You see,” Wilson said, “House and I went on this two month bender of Ketel One and classic shows from the ‘80’s.”
House glanced at Cuddy hoping for an eyebrow quirk of intrigue, and was disappointed to see that she was accepting this news as if a lupus diagnosis turned out to be wrong.
“And we were talking about how Princeton-Plainsboro seems to have an unusually high rate of character drama. And also diseases that occur in, like, two out of six billion. But anyway, we decided that explaining the drama to uninvolved people took up an awful lot of air time. So we created a system of code phrases based on dialogue from the ‘80’s shows we were watching. ‘It’s okay about the milk’ is code for ‘Chase’s long-lost illegitimate lovechild just showed up’. ‘I’m jumpier than a virgin at a prison rodeo’ is code for ‘The kid is confirmed to be his’. I’m now leaving to watch this subplot unfold.” Wilson explained.
Cuddy rolled her eyes.
“Fine. Go.”
Wilson grinned and nodded, before following House.
-----
“The kid’s yours, eh?” House said when they returned to the conference room.
“You could try not to look so excited.” Chase muttered, without raising his head.
“How can you tell how I look?”
“You’re not that fucking complex.”
“How’s it feel to have a daddy, Dashiell?”
“I’ll tell ya, Greg, it feels good.” Dashiell said, beaming ear-to-ear.
Wilson found it unsettling to hear House referred to by his first name. He’d always kind of believed no one ever called him anything but House, including but not limited to House’s parents and Stacy.
“So, Dad,” Dashiell said, “I was thinking we could go play catch in the park, and then go fishing, and then you can explain to me what masturbation is!”
Chase jolted upright.
“Dashiell,” he said through gritted teeth, “Who told you about classic father-son moments?”
“Greg.” Dashiell replied, “Also, I guess you have to make me take ice baths and sleep outside when I talk back.”
Wilson flinched.
“Oh, too soon.” He said, grimacing.
“Not soon enough.” House retorted.
“House, can you take Dashiell to get a soda?” Chase asked.
House scoffed.
“I feel like I’m doing all the parenting here. You don’t even care about your only son!”
“Stop.”
“I don’t like it when you drink in front of him.”
“House.”
“Dashiell, what are some freaky Australian sodas?” House asked as he led Dashiell out of the conference room.
Wilson drummed his fingers on the table.
“Well, I actually have a thing, so…” he said, stretching as he began to stand.
“I can’t do this. I can’t be a father. I don’t know how, I-I never learned.” Chase stuttered.
Apparently it was time for character development. Wilson sighed quietly and sat back down.
“My father left when I was young…”
“I know.” Wilson said, “There was an entire episode about this. Cut to the chase, no pun intended.”
“I feel like I’m not ready to be a father to Dashiell, but if I don’t I’m just perpetuating this destructive cycle of absent fathers and lost childhoods.”
Damn, Wilson thought, The writers are getting into this one.
“Chase,” Wilson said, “Your father’s mistake was that he wasn’t there. If you just try to be a father to Dashiell, you’re already doing something different.”
Chase nodded. A few minutes of silence passed.
“What do fathers even do?” Chase said, “Other than the, uh, aforementioned.”
“Well, what are things you wished you could do with your dad?”
Chase paused.
“I always wanted my dad to take me to a ball game,” he said, smiling slightly, “And I’d have one of those foam fingers, and we’d be on the jumbotron, laughing together.”
“Take him to a ball game.” Wilson said, “There’s one in a few hours, and I’m pretty sure I can convince Cuddy to let you off for the rest of the day.”
Chase stared at the papers before him absentmindedly, before standing.
“See you later, Wilson,” he said, “I’m taking my son to a ball game.” With that, Chase left.
That was a little much. Wilson thought.
-----
Chase was sitting with Dashiell at Yogi Bera stadium, where the New Jersey Jackals were playing a home game. He’d bought Dashiell a foam finger and a hot dog, but Dashiell seemed a little bored.
“Having fun?” Chase asked. God, this was awkward. It felt like a bad first date but without the option of making out if it turned out that neither of them had anything in common.
“Yeah,” Dashiell said, picking at the foam, trying to smile as if he wasn’t lying.
“Are you sure?”
“It’s just… I was led to believe that baseball was more exciting than this.”
Chase chuckled.
“I felt the same way when I went to my first baseball game in America. I was like, oh my god, it’s been three hours and nothing has happened.”
“I know right!” Dashiell chirped, “I mostly watched rugby back at home, so I’ve always thought all sports were actually exciting, but this is terrible!”
“It’s true! Baseball is just a bunch of fat guys standing around on a field!”
They laughed, glancing at each other to make sure the other still was, and they kept laughing if it meant the other would too. Chase wondered if this was bonding.
“You want me to get you some food?”
“Sure!” Dashiell said, “Let’s flag down one of the guys walking up and down the stairs. It seems like it takes a lot longer, but in America, you’re not supposed to actually get your own snacks.”
As Chase waved at the popcorn guy, he couldn’t keep the grin off his face. Maybe he could actually do this.
Pairing: (none)
Rating: PG
Summary: Chase has a long-lost illegitimate son. Lulz ensue.
A/N: I decided that the fourth wall was getting on my nerves, so everyone, notably Wilson, no longer acknowledges it.
When House walked into the conference room, Dashiell waved cheerily. Chase was face-down on the table. House knew immediately what had happened.
“I’ll be right back!” he said, dashing out of the room as best he could with a cane.
He slammed Cuddy’s door open.
“House, Wilson and I are speaking.” Cuddy said.
“So?”
“Privately.”
“Wilson.” House said. Wilson turned reluctantly.
“I’m jumpier than a virgin at a prison rodeo.”
“That’s…pretty jumpy. Dude! No way!” Wilson stood to leave.
“What the hell are you guys talking about?” Cuddy exasperatedly demanded.
“You don’t understand,” Wilson said, “There’s drama afoot.”
“Of course I understand, I run this goddamn hospital! I have taken every rehashed Degrassi plotline you people have thrown at me! Now tell me what you’re talking about.”
“You see,” Wilson said, “House and I went on this two month bender of Ketel One and classic shows from the ‘80’s.”
House glanced at Cuddy hoping for an eyebrow quirk of intrigue, and was disappointed to see that she was accepting this news as if a lupus diagnosis turned out to be wrong.
“And we were talking about how Princeton-Plainsboro seems to have an unusually high rate of character drama. And also diseases that occur in, like, two out of six billion. But anyway, we decided that explaining the drama to uninvolved people took up an awful lot of air time. So we created a system of code phrases based on dialogue from the ‘80’s shows we were watching. ‘It’s okay about the milk’ is code for ‘Chase’s long-lost illegitimate lovechild just showed up’. ‘I’m jumpier than a virgin at a prison rodeo’ is code for ‘The kid is confirmed to be his’. I’m now leaving to watch this subplot unfold.” Wilson explained.
Cuddy rolled her eyes.
“Fine. Go.”
Wilson grinned and nodded, before following House.
-----
“The kid’s yours, eh?” House said when they returned to the conference room.
“You could try not to look so excited.” Chase muttered, without raising his head.
“How can you tell how I look?”
“You’re not that fucking complex.”
“How’s it feel to have a daddy, Dashiell?”
“I’ll tell ya, Greg, it feels good.” Dashiell said, beaming ear-to-ear.
Wilson found it unsettling to hear House referred to by his first name. He’d always kind of believed no one ever called him anything but House, including but not limited to House’s parents and Stacy.
“So, Dad,” Dashiell said, “I was thinking we could go play catch in the park, and then go fishing, and then you can explain to me what masturbation is!”
Chase jolted upright.
“Dashiell,” he said through gritted teeth, “Who told you about classic father-son moments?”
“Greg.” Dashiell replied, “Also, I guess you have to make me take ice baths and sleep outside when I talk back.”
Wilson flinched.
“Oh, too soon.” He said, grimacing.
“Not soon enough.” House retorted.
“House, can you take Dashiell to get a soda?” Chase asked.
House scoffed.
“I feel like I’m doing all the parenting here. You don’t even care about your only son!”
“Stop.”
“I don’t like it when you drink in front of him.”
“House.”
“Dashiell, what are some freaky Australian sodas?” House asked as he led Dashiell out of the conference room.
Wilson drummed his fingers on the table.
“Well, I actually have a thing, so…” he said, stretching as he began to stand.
“I can’t do this. I can’t be a father. I don’t know how, I-I never learned.” Chase stuttered.
Apparently it was time for character development. Wilson sighed quietly and sat back down.
“My father left when I was young…”
“I know.” Wilson said, “There was an entire episode about this. Cut to the chase, no pun intended.”
“I feel like I’m not ready to be a father to Dashiell, but if I don’t I’m just perpetuating this destructive cycle of absent fathers and lost childhoods.”
Damn, Wilson thought, The writers are getting into this one.
“Chase,” Wilson said, “Your father’s mistake was that he wasn’t there. If you just try to be a father to Dashiell, you’re already doing something different.”
Chase nodded. A few minutes of silence passed.
“What do fathers even do?” Chase said, “Other than the, uh, aforementioned.”
“Well, what are things you wished you could do with your dad?”
Chase paused.
“I always wanted my dad to take me to a ball game,” he said, smiling slightly, “And I’d have one of those foam fingers, and we’d be on the jumbotron, laughing together.”
“Take him to a ball game.” Wilson said, “There’s one in a few hours, and I’m pretty sure I can convince Cuddy to let you off for the rest of the day.”
Chase stared at the papers before him absentmindedly, before standing.
“See you later, Wilson,” he said, “I’m taking my son to a ball game.” With that, Chase left.
That was a little much. Wilson thought.
-----
Chase was sitting with Dashiell at Yogi Bera stadium, where the New Jersey Jackals were playing a home game. He’d bought Dashiell a foam finger and a hot dog, but Dashiell seemed a little bored.
“Having fun?” Chase asked. God, this was awkward. It felt like a bad first date but without the option of making out if it turned out that neither of them had anything in common.
“Yeah,” Dashiell said, picking at the foam, trying to smile as if he wasn’t lying.
“Are you sure?”
“It’s just… I was led to believe that baseball was more exciting than this.”
Chase chuckled.
“I felt the same way when I went to my first baseball game in America. I was like, oh my god, it’s been three hours and nothing has happened.”
“I know right!” Dashiell chirped, “I mostly watched rugby back at home, so I’ve always thought all sports were actually exciting, but this is terrible!”
“It’s true! Baseball is just a bunch of fat guys standing around on a field!”
They laughed, glancing at each other to make sure the other still was, and they kept laughing if it meant the other would too. Chase wondered if this was bonding.
“You want me to get you some food?”
“Sure!” Dashiell said, “Let’s flag down one of the guys walking up and down the stairs. It seems like it takes a lot longer, but in America, you’re not supposed to actually get your own snacks.”
As Chase waved at the popcorn guy, he couldn’t keep the grin off his face. Maybe he could actually do this.