Fiction, of the fan sort
Okay. Well first time posting my fic(s) on line. Very nervous.
Title: And baby makes for a whole lot of trouble
Author: RLN14
Characters: Jeff/Annie, ensemble
Rating: PG-13 (one bad word)
Word Count: 3, 275
Disclaimer: Dan Harmon owns Community, etc, I own the characters, you've never heard of :p
Summary: The gang takes a Home Ec class
A/N- This takes place during season two, I started writing during 2.05 and finished it before 2.09. It only eludes to 2.01 and the first season.
Chapter One
Jeff followed behind his friends as they walked towards their newest class, Home Economics. It was an extra Annie had talked them all into taking since Professor Duncan had been assigned as their new Anthropology teacher.
He wasn’t qualified to teach that class (as a Psychology teacher, it was a bit random to shove him in Anthropology) so he had no idea what the hell he was doing. He would open the floor to discussing the latest celebrity gossip, school gossip, dreams, what those dreams meant, favorite flavors of ice cream and then they would watch YouTube.
At first Jeff was on board with this. Duncan was his closest friend so he knew the class would be a cake walk and it freed him up to update his Twitter or check the ball scores. But after a while, Jeff had found himself wanting to actually be taught something other than the lyrics to Billy Joel’s ‘We Didn’t Start the Fire’.
The last straw was when Duncan had shown up so wasted that he had fallen asleep on the desk and they had been subjected to 20 minutes of snoring, followed by another 10 of him muttering about some Danish girl who wouldn’t let him eat her bagel. It was disturbing and so the next day, Annie announced she had found an easy class for them all to take. She was determined to have them all take one class a semester together. Since Anthropology wasn’t going the way she had planned, she brought up the idea of taking Home Ec.
Jeff tuned out a lot of what was said around him in the study room, so he was surprised that the rest of them had agreed. Pierce, of course, refused at first, since Home Ec was for girls and girly men. That had set Britta off that more men needed to learn how to cook and sew so women could bust out of the chains society tied them in and become CEO’s and Presidents.
At this point Jeff really tuned out and by the time Britta was taking a deep breath for another tirade, Annie hurriedly said she had signed them up, just in case.
Pierce subsided when Shirley told them she liked a strong man who knew how to cook. Abed said he needed to try more feminist things so he could understand the female mind, Troy figured they’d be cute girls there so he was all set.
So, that was how he had ended up taking a Home Ec class.
His friends were chatting around him, excited over the prospect of an easy class. Jeff figured they were on to something. He knew how to cook and was pretty neat, so he thought he could survive a few weeks getting in touch with his ‘female side’. Either that or he’d just sit in the back and be on his phone. Either way worked.
Annie slowed down so that she walked next to Jeff. She smiled up at him. “Come on, slow poke! You don’t want to miss out on the best seats.”
“Actually, I do. I’ll be all right as long as there is a dark corner where you can nap.”
Annie shook her head at him. “Jeff, you’ll see. Home Ec is gonna be fun!”
“You know, I‘d hate to see what you consider boring. Although, as long as we are not subjected to any more drunken rants by Dudley Moore, I think we’ll survive.”
Annie wrinkled her nose over the memory of Duncan’s antics and nodded.
The door to the Home Ec class was open. The sign on the door was decorated with streamers and the words Home Economics was spelled out in pink and blue ink that was then lavished in glitter.
They walked in to a half empty class room. Lab tables were set up to make up four rows. Some tables had three stools, others two. Sinks and a giant sewing machine took up most of the left side of the room, on the right was a bunch of little stoves. A desk stood facing the room with a blackboard behind it.
Nobody was sitting at the desk.
Jeff strolled directly to the last table on the right (where the light wasn’t as bright) and stretched out. His phone was already on the table, his hands ready to start typing.
Britta, Abed and Troy sat in front of him, Pierce and Shirley sat behind him and Annie took the chair next to him.
She smiled at him and took out her notebook, pens, pen erasers and note cards.
Jeff shook his head and tried not to notice how nice she looked or how nice she smelled. Ever since their talk over the summer and the disaster that was the first day back at school, Jeff had avoided her. He was trying to convince himself that their kiss at the Tranny Dance was nothing to be worried about. Now that their group knew and didn’t tar and feather him (though they had been pissed), it shouldn’t have still bothered him, but it did.
He could put it out of his mind for stretches of time but she was always there. When he went to sleep, woke up, got food in the cafeteria or there in Anthropology class. She wasn’t acting like herself, he noticed. The Annie he had kissed at the end of the school year was heading towards maturity but ever since the first day of school, she had seemed to regress back to the little girl persona she had last year. He was sorry to see mature Annie go but he was relived to see little girl Annie. Little Girl Annie was safe. Even if she wore her hair down and more cleavage happy shirts. (not that ever noticed. Nope. Like now. Annie’s blouse was open, revealing the tops of her…nope. Not noticing)
Every once in a while it seemed like she would go back to the way she was that night but then she’d stop and squeal with Shirley over some new teen movie that neither was really into but they wanted to seem cool and hip.
He noticed she hung with Britta less and that sometimes you could feel the tension between them. Though after their oil fight, they seemed to coexist around each other a little better.
Jeff was egoistical enough to assume the conflict was about him and sensitive enough that he was sorry for it. Britta’s fake love announcement wasn’t something he liked to dwell on. Then or now. His relationship with her was different too. They didn’t joke around as much and he missed it. He assumed they all needed to get past the Tranny Dance and what happened afterwards.
Besides, it was nice to not have to worry about showing his feelings to the wrong person. His automatic flirting/ fighting with Britta was something that was just in his make up. They’d never see eye to eye on some things and that conflict would always be there. And the fact that he slept with her. That wasn’t going away either. But when she told him she loved him, well you could have blasted him between the eyes and he wouldn’t have blinked. That was just so out of left field. And when he ran away (cause really, who wouldn’t? He wasn’t in love with Slater or Britta and he really didn't want to hurt either of them) there was Annie.
Fresh off her break up with Vaughn. Back at Greendale. He remembered they hugged and then all of a sudden they were making out. It had happened so fast but was etched clear as glass in his mind.
He had felt so many things that night- joy, sadness, horror, guilt, and this sense that maybe what he needed was right in front of his face.
But then reality hit him and he back pedaled away from Annie.
She was too young and he didn’t think he’d enjoy prison.
But it wasn’t like he stopped thinking about her. Or about what could have been. It was hard to be around her and not wonder. And yeah, maybe he was acting like a tool, but come on. He didn’t know how to be around either of them. So, he avoided them one and one. It just seemed easier all around.
As Jeff was pondering his life, two adults strolled in to the classroom. Arm and arm. They both wore pink and blue plaid- pants and sweater vests. White blouse for the woman, white long sleeved shirt for the man.
They turned to the class and beamed sunny smiles.
“Hello, everyone. Our name is Mr. and Mrs. Fandance.” the man said, scribbling the words on the blackboard.
“Fandance?” Jeff scoffed.
“It’s pronounced Fa-dunce. We’re your Economics teachers. Of the home variety.” the woman said, beaming at her husband.
“Oh, God.” Jeff muttered and Annie slapped his arm.
“Why do we need two teachers?” Abed asked.
“Well, your regular teacher was called away to plan a wedding up North so we were asked to fill in.”
“Yeah, cause we certainly didn’t want to go to that tart’s cheap and tacky wedding.” Mrs. Fandance said, her tone a little less cheery and slightly bitter.
“Of course not. It’s not like we introduced them or anything. After they lived together in sin for six months, now that a baby’s on the way, it’s all ‘Hey we need to get married’. And who goes to Canada to get married?”
“Well, we did, sugar plum.”
Mr. Fandance beamed and bent to kiss his wife’s hair. “Right. But then we’re citizens. She’s American. Probably going to drop anchor babies and turn Canada into a cesspool of rudeness and obesity. For a country that has a messed up health care system, they sure do like taking their lives into their own hands by the all the crappy food they consume.”
“Uh, you do realize that you’re in America now, right?” Shirley told them, eyeballing them with judgment in her eyes.
“Of course. We’re here legally. America is a great country.” Mr. Fandance said, with just a touch of sarcasm in his voice.
“But let’s move on. I’ll take roll call.” Mrs. Fandance took out a clipboard and went through the names, checking them off one by one.
“Good, you’re all here. So, what is Home Economics?”
Pierce shot his hand up. “It’s a class where women are taught how to take care of the house and men are here because they have to be. Like when you go shopping and wait around while she tries on clothes that make her ass look big but you can’t tell her. Even though she demands you be truthful to her.”
“Um, no. And how about joining us in the 21st century.” Mr. Fandance told him.
“Pierce.” Shirley hissed at him.
“That wasn’t very polite, Maple Syrup. I think you owe me an apology.” Pierce demanded.
“You’re right. I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings.” Mr. Fandance said quickly.
Pierce smirked.
“Well, now, Home Ec is a class about taking care of your home. It’s a place where you are free of judgment and can express yourself freely and safely. In this class, we are all family. We’ll teach you all the fundamentals you will need to make sure your home is a place other people would like to visit.”
“Does this sound like the beginning of a ‘come join our cult’ speech to anyone else?” Jeff whispered. Pierce shushed him, Annie hit him again, Shirley glared but a gave a nod of consent, Troy and Abed were fixated on a leaking faucet. They were whispering back and forth that it would make a good moment in their movie if the villain was driven insane by a dripping faucet and that’s why he turned to a life of crime.
“So, without further ado, here’s your first homework assignment.” Mrs. Fandance walked to the back of the classroom and opened a closet.
She pulled out a large box and walked back to front of the room.
Mr. Fandance reached in and pulled out a baby doll. He held the baby by its right leg and he swung it around while he talked.
“Your assignment is how to take care of a child. Now, we don’t have any children yet-”
“And God knows, we’ve been trying. Any chance we get-”
“And believe me, it ain’t a hard ship.” He then winked, rather creepily.
All 11 students in the class room nodded and slightly backed up on their stools so they weren’t as close to him.
“But when that blessed day comes,” Mr. Fandance continued, “we know we’ll be great parents. Because last year we stole one of these things and practiced on it.”
“And we did wonderfully.” Mrs. Fandance cut in.
“Yeah. Best grade in the class.” Mr. Fandance joked.
Jeff guessed it was a joke since they both collapsed into hysterical laughter. The baby dropped to the ground and was quickly hauled back up.
“Oh, you’re so bad, Mr. Fandance.” his wife teased.
“Not as bad as you, Mrs. Fandance.”
“I just vomited a little.” Britta informed her friends, quietly.
“You ain’t the only one.” Jeff assured her.
“Anyway, we’ll pair you up and then you can get started on raising your family.”
She went around the room and dropped a baby at every table.
She stopped next to Britta, Abed and Troy. She placed a baby in front of Britta. “You and Mr. Nadir can be parents.”
“Actually, and no offense to Abed, but I don’t need a man to raise a baby. I can do just fine on my own.” She snatched the baby off the table and placed it in her lap.
“Um…but why? Don’t you want your baby to have any male influence?”
“He has me. I’m all the influence he needs. It’s high time we learn that single parents are out there and they do a heck of a job.”
“You tell them, Britta!” Shirley told her.
“That’s okay, Mrs. Fandance. I respect Britt’s independence. I can partner with Troy.”
“Yeah, our baby will be so dope!” Troy excitedly told her.
“Ookay then.” She handed Abed a baby and moved to Annie and Jeff.
Jeff felt a flutter of panic. He didn’t think he could deal with having a fake baby with Annie. How was he suppose to avoid her one on one if they had to deal with a baby?
Underneath that was a feeling of almost giddiness at the idea of having a baby with Annie. That was apart of himself that he constantly blocked off. Nothing good could come from that.
“Here, unless you too, want to abstain from having another parent in the household.”
“No! That is, I don’t mind sharing a baby with Jeff.” Annie’s cheek were slightly pink as she cradled the baby in her arms.
Jeff wanted to smile but instead shrugged.
Mrs. Fandance handed a baby to Shirley. “I assume you will want to be alone.”
“Oh, no. I know what it’s like. And while I agree with Britta, I want a daddy for my baby. And a better one that my actual babies got.”
“I’m honored that you would think of me.” Pierce told her.
“What? I can’t- I mean, we’re not- is there anyone else left?”
Mrs. Fandance shook her head. “To be honest, Miss Perry helped us out since this class isn’t even. Looks like you and Mr. Hawthorne are the proud parents of a baby girl.”
Shirley looked down at the baby, over at Pierce’s grinning face and back at the retreating Mrs. Fandance.
“Goody.” she gulped.
Jeff smirked and glanced over at Annie.
She was holding the baby and grinning down at it. “Hi, baby.”
Jeff felt his stomach sink and thought, Uh-oh.
Britta held her baby up and said, “You will never need anyone but yourself. And me. You will go out there and live your life the way you want too. Don’t let anyone tell you different.”
Troy and Abed had their baby on the table, they were hunched over it. Abed let out a chuckle when Troy lifted the baby up and said, “Look, a pirate baby!”
They had drawn an eye patch around the baby’s left eye, and drew a slim mustache under its nose.
“We’re gonna need some clothes.”
“Looks like we’ll need to get a whole bunch of clothes. I have ideas, Troy. Big ideas.” he grabbed a note book and started to scribble.
“So, Pierce, when do you want the baby?”
“I figured since we’re parents, we’d live together.”
“NO. You and I are only parents in this class, do you understand me? I’ll do this assignment with you, only if you agree that you will never call me or come to my home. We’ll trade off days. I’ll take her tonight and then you can have her over the weekend.”
“Fine. But I get to name her.”
Shirley sighed. “Go ahead.”
Pierce picked up the naked doll, stared at her for a long time and then announced, “Starla. Starla Margaret Hawthorne-Bennett.”
“Starla? You want my baby to be a stripper?! And why does your name come first?”
“Starla isn’t a striper name. I meant a chorus girl in Vegas once who had that name! She was very classy! She even let me touch her-”
“Don’t you finish that sentence. She can have that name. But it goes Bennett-Hawthorne.”
Pierce stared at the baby again and then nodded. He handed her over to Shirley. “Deal.”
Jeff leaned closer to Annie and whispered, “Ten bucks says they end up killing each other and orphan that baby.”
“Did you just use ‘orphan’ as a verb?”
“Annie, lets not fight in front of junior here.”
Annie beamed down at the baby. “Okay. Elizabeth Emily Rose Winger is too precious to be subjected to fighting anyway.”
“Elizabeth Emily Rose? I thought it was a boy.”
“Jeff! Our baby is not an it. And she’s clearly a girl.”
“How can you tell? It has no genitals.”
“JEFF! She’s a girl.”
“Fine. But I’m gonna call him Ramón Caesar Anthony Winger.”
Annie rolled her eyes. “Whatever. She’s so cute!” she scooted closer to Jeff and laid the baby in his arms.
Jeff looked down at the blue eyed brown haired baby and tried not to notice that it could almost look like Annie.
“He sure is handsome.”
Annie rolled her eyes again and wrote down the name of the baby. After a moment, she wrote down Jeff’s names too. Neither wanted to mention that they decided the baby would have Jeff’s last name.
Britta decided on Davey Perry and was all ready dressing him in leather coats in her mind.
Troy and Abed decided to call their baby Kid Magnificent (the greatest actor in the world) Barnes-Nadir.
“Now that you all have named your babies. We have some clothes here for you and at the school store we have a shop for you all to buy more clothes. We’ll give you each a 1,000 dollars in Home Ec Money and you must only use that money on your baby. We’ll set up shops all around campus for you to use.
And remember, write down your daily actives with the baby and that the chips inside each baby will record all that the baby hears. Next week we will play back the baby’s chip to make sure it matches up with what your reports say.
Have fun and be responsible.” Mr. Fandance told them.
They all looked down at their tiny little recorders and thought: Fuck.