Why I hate my life
It's 8:16 pm, and I'm sitting at home crying. I hate my life. I want to go home and curl into a ball. Why, you ask?
For starters, I signed a contract with an evil company. I submitted my letter of resignation yesterday, but I still have to suffer two more months. I teach 35 in-class hours a week. I have exactly 30 minutes for lunch each day. My co-workers abhor small talk and socialization (at least with the waykookin). I have no friends.
Geunjung has started a new job tutoring, and I hardly never see him. That's why I'm sitting alone this evening... every evening. It's almost like I'm single again.
But the depths of my despair run deeper. I've worked my butt off for two years to get my Master's, and what has it gotten me? Nothing. I'm worse off than I was two years ago. Geunjung and I barely make $35,000 a year combined. We might be able to get it up to 40 or even 45 a year if we can play our cards right, but essentially this means three things. a) we don't have enough money to have children. b) we will never be able to afford a home. c) we won't be able to save for retirement.
This reality is crushing for me. For a long time I was angry at my parents, or rather my parent's generation, for letting me believe in art and music when in reality it was.... Now, it's like I grew up in an era of affluence, and now people are telling me, "Yeah, you gotta work in a coal mine and get cancer by the time you're 50 if you wanna have any of the things society says you're supposed to have."
I've never been big up on society's expectations. I didn't stay at home in Texas. I didn't get a job in my field right after college, and I wasn't worried. But now that I want a career, a house, and the ability to support a family, everyone is saying, "up yours."
And it's not just Korea. I got it in Colville. I got it in Iowa. I have been a teacher for 9 years and have never received a raise.
...
New topic. I hate Facebook. I don't want to see pictures of your babies. I don't want to see pictures of your trips. I don't want to see pictures of your garden or the new house you bought. Why would I want to see all of the things I want but can't have? Why would I look at the pictures that just make me feel more worthless about my choices in life?
You wanna know what I haven't been posting on Facebook?
Spent six months working in a office with people who are being laid off.
Like.
Husband got fired from his job.
Like.
I work 12 hours on Friday, from 8:30 am to 10:20 pm, but I get paid like it's 8 hours.
Like.
One of my students just got fired from her job.
Like.
After getting my Master's degree, I've gotten a $10,000 reduction in annual salary.
Like.
The windows in our house and the kitchen sink drain leak.
Like.
We have no water pressure.
Like.
The public bath house closes at 8:00 pm, so I can't even fucking go there to feel better at a time like this.
Like.
For one and a half years, I haven't been able to breathe out of my left nostril. Some allergies were activated living in Ames, and my deviated septum is now blocking drainage. First thing I go every morning after peeing is blowing my nose. It's a real four-play killer. Could be fixed is an out-patient surgery that requires insurance and at least three recovery days. Haven't had those in combination for a while.
Like.
I'm so over-worked and worried about the future that I can't even remember what my dreams are anymore.
Like.
I'm not a negative person, and by God, I've been trying. I try listening to music. I try watching movies. I try to have things to look forward to. I'm trying to make friends (epic fail). I want to go to church. I want to finish unpacking. I want to public my thesis. I want to study Korean. But all of it seems so out of reach when I can't even drag myself out of bed in the morning, when I have trouble riding the elevator in my office in the morning without crying.
I hate Korea. I hate Busan. And it's not their fault. I haven't even gotten to know them yet. So, whose fault is it? Are we gonna play the blame game? Or are we gonna say ce la vie? My favorite places to point fingers are at managers/CEOs (who needs $250,000 or more annual salary; I say fuck you just on principle), baby-boomers who are just sticking around to keep their health insurance, and politicians (have you been watching the news recently?). I try to turn the other cheek, I really do. I try to walk a mile in their shoes, but walking the streets of Busan, checking the BBC news... everything seems to say, all for one and everyone for him or herself.
Really, let's all just become insurance salesmen.
For starters, I signed a contract with an evil company. I submitted my letter of resignation yesterday, but I still have to suffer two more months. I teach 35 in-class hours a week. I have exactly 30 minutes for lunch each day. My co-workers abhor small talk and socialization (at least with the waykookin). I have no friends.
Geunjung has started a new job tutoring, and I hardly never see him. That's why I'm sitting alone this evening... every evening. It's almost like I'm single again.
But the depths of my despair run deeper. I've worked my butt off for two years to get my Master's, and what has it gotten me? Nothing. I'm worse off than I was two years ago. Geunjung and I barely make $35,000 a year combined. We might be able to get it up to 40 or even 45 a year if we can play our cards right, but essentially this means three things. a) we don't have enough money to have children. b) we will never be able to afford a home. c) we won't be able to save for retirement.
This reality is crushing for me. For a long time I was angry at my parents, or rather my parent's generation, for letting me believe in art and music when in reality it was.... Now, it's like I grew up in an era of affluence, and now people are telling me, "Yeah, you gotta work in a coal mine and get cancer by the time you're 50 if you wanna have any of the things society says you're supposed to have."
I've never been big up on society's expectations. I didn't stay at home in Texas. I didn't get a job in my field right after college, and I wasn't worried. But now that I want a career, a house, and the ability to support a family, everyone is saying, "up yours."
And it's not just Korea. I got it in Colville. I got it in Iowa. I have been a teacher for 9 years and have never received a raise.
...
New topic. I hate Facebook. I don't want to see pictures of your babies. I don't want to see pictures of your trips. I don't want to see pictures of your garden or the new house you bought. Why would I want to see all of the things I want but can't have? Why would I look at the pictures that just make me feel more worthless about my choices in life?
You wanna know what I haven't been posting on Facebook?
Spent six months working in a office with people who are being laid off.
Like.
Husband got fired from his job.
Like.
I work 12 hours on Friday, from 8:30 am to 10:20 pm, but I get paid like it's 8 hours.
Like.
One of my students just got fired from her job.
Like.
After getting my Master's degree, I've gotten a $10,000 reduction in annual salary.
Like.
The windows in our house and the kitchen sink drain leak.
Like.
We have no water pressure.
Like.
The public bath house closes at 8:00 pm, so I can't even fucking go there to feel better at a time like this.
Like.
For one and a half years, I haven't been able to breathe out of my left nostril. Some allergies were activated living in Ames, and my deviated septum is now blocking drainage. First thing I go every morning after peeing is blowing my nose. It's a real four-play killer. Could be fixed is an out-patient surgery that requires insurance and at least three recovery days. Haven't had those in combination for a while.
Like.
I'm so over-worked and worried about the future that I can't even remember what my dreams are anymore.
Like.
I'm not a negative person, and by God, I've been trying. I try listening to music. I try watching movies. I try to have things to look forward to. I'm trying to make friends (epic fail). I want to go to church. I want to finish unpacking. I want to public my thesis. I want to study Korean. But all of it seems so out of reach when I can't even drag myself out of bed in the morning, when I have trouble riding the elevator in my office in the morning without crying.
I hate Korea. I hate Busan. And it's not their fault. I haven't even gotten to know them yet. So, whose fault is it? Are we gonna play the blame game? Or are we gonna say ce la vie? My favorite places to point fingers are at managers/CEOs (who needs $250,000 or more annual salary; I say fuck you just on principle), baby-boomers who are just sticking around to keep their health insurance, and politicians (have you been watching the news recently?). I try to turn the other cheek, I really do. I try to walk a mile in their shoes, but walking the streets of Busan, checking the BBC news... everything seems to say, all for one and everyone for him or herself.
Really, let's all just become insurance salesmen.