The Best Porn Ever- Celeb fanfic
Title: The Best Porn Ever
Rating: a very high R
Featured Celebs: Jared Padalecki, Tom Welling, Allison Mack, Michael Rosenbaum, and Jensen Ackles
Summary: Jared finds something shocking when he house-sits for the CW's hottest off-screen couple.
Notes: This is an insanely random, insanely naughty humor-based fic. The basis for this story (meaning relationships and living arrangements, etc.) are based purely on roleplaying storylines at the_marquee. The story in itself is based on some wacky dream I had all last week, one that was screaming to be turned into a story. Be warned, there is some slightly sexually explicit language here, and partial description of sexual situations. This is dedicated to endlesscharade, who has made me fall madly in silly love with her take on Jared. Enjoy. :p
"DUUDE... I am so friggin' bored." Jared whined as he leaned back in the recliner he sat in.
"So you called us over to hang out, and you're STILL bored?" Jensen gave him a look. "Gee, thanks, man."
"We need to find some fun, guys." Mike said. "The question is, what the hell can find to do HERE? Tom and Alli are freaking boring, I guess."
Jared almost regretted ever volunteering to do this, as he sat there, wishing he had something to do.
Tom and Allison had been able to steal some time away from filming for Smallville to take a week-long trip to some location they refused to tell people about, and had needed someone to housesit, as well as watch over their four dogs and pet bunny. Jared had whole-heartedly volunteered to do it for his two closest friends, and packed up his two dogs to spend the week at what he called The Tallison House. He'd left Jensen and Mike at the aptly-named Love Shack, Alli's old place, which she'd rented to them once she and Tom were an official couple, and totally, completely living together.
There were two days left in the big old house, and Jared couldn't stand the idea of spending another afternoon alone. So he'd called Jensen and Mike over.
And now, the three of them had nothing to do.
"I wonder if Tom has any porn?" Jared joked.
Jensen snorted. "Man, are you crazy? Mr. 'I-Only-Wanna-See-My-Fiancée-Naked' ?"
Jared stood from his seat and walked over to look through the small crate Tom and Alli kept all their movies in, kneeling down next to it. "You guys wanna watch something...?" He trailed off as he moved some DVDs around, and suddenly spotted a videotape. It only had a label on the side, and it was unmarked. "Holy crap."
Jensen raised an eyebrow. "Jare... What are you Holy Crap-ping about?"
Jared's eyes were wide as he pulled the videotape out of the crate and held it up. "Apparently, Tom does have porn..."
Mike immediately ran over and snatched it out of his hand. "Dude, we so have to watch this. We could use it as blackmail or something."
Jared stood back up and moved back to the recliner. "Put it on, Mikey."
Mike went over and slid the tape into the VCR, and moved back to stand next to Jensen while they waited for the video to start playing.
As soon as it did, all of their jaws hit the floor.
They all blurted out the same obscenity at once.
"DUDE! They videotaped THEMSELVES!" Jared exclaimed.
Mike said nothing, only stared at Tom and Allison having sex on the tape.
Jensen averted his eyes from the TV. "I have more respect for Tom and Alli than to watch their personal stuff, so if y'all are gonna keep it playing, I'm outta here."
Jared gave him a look. "This has nothing to do with respect, Jens. You wuss-say!"
Jensen rolled his eyes and headed for the door.
He always was the Moe to Jared's Larry and Mike's Curly.
The two didn't even notice when he left.
"Damn... I didn't realize Alli had such a set of lungs on her." Jared muttered.
"I didn't realize she had such a nice set of tits on her..." Mike mumbled, and the giant seated next to him gave him a hearty laugh.
They both stared at the TV as something changed on the videotape, and Tom and Alli moved apart for a moment.
Jared's eyes and mouth widened. "DAMMMNNNN... that's the biggest thinger I've ever seen!"
Mike blinked. "And I thought Andre was big..." He looked down at his own crotch for a moment, then looked back at the screen.
"Dude... that is so not a penis." Jared said. "That's a monster penis."
Mike tilted his head. "I wonder if that thing hurts..."
A loud feminine moan came from the TV set.
"I guess not." Jared said.
They continued to watch for another couple minutes, and then...
"God, with the way she's shrieking, you'd think that he was killing her." Jared blinked.
"Maybe he was..." Mike stared at the TV, growing incoherent.
"Man, Alli DOES have a big ass..."
"You know what the song says, Jere... 'My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns'..."
"Anaconda, indeed..." Jared blinked. He was quiet for a few moments. "Damn... they're kinky." He looked over at Mike. "I swear, dude, if you weren't here, I'd so be jacking off right now. This is hot. This is, like, the best porn ever."
Mike smirked. "Don't hold back on my account..."
The next thing they knew, Alli was practically screaming on the videotape. It was so loud, they didn't notice when the front door suddenly creeped open.
Another, more horrified scream suddenly came from behind them, and Jared and Mike jumped.
They turned to see Tom and Alli standing there, obviously having returned early from their trip.
Alli looked beyond mortified, her cheeks turning so red they were almost purple, tears in her eyes.
Tom was shooting at both of them what Jared called "The Red Heat Vision Glare That Could Fry Chicken".
Jared scrambled for the remote, trying to shut it off, as an utterly humiliated Allison buried her face in Tom's chest.
When Tom finally spoke, his voice had deepened about five notches from its normal range, and there was fire behind every word. "What in the hell is going on here?!?"
Jared stood, walking around to face Tom. "We accidentally found your homemade porn. And we were so bored, we watched it." He glanced down at Alli, and suddenly snickered. "Aww, Alli, why don't you bury your face in his crotch? It'd be so much hotter."
The glare intensified, and Alli buried her face further into Tom's chest to hide her embarrassment.
"How dare you." Tom growled.
"Ya know, Tom, the thought of me, Jens, and Mikey is hot... but ya'll are FLAMIN' hot." Jared broke into a goofy grin. "We're all so hot, we should all, like, get together and have one big huge hot orgy."
Tom didn't look a bit amused. "Jarhead, you're one hell of a sick bastard."
Allison's head suddenly rose a little, and she sniffled. "Actually, I like that idea."
Eyebrows rose at the weak-voiced comment, and all three men gave her the strangest look they could muster.
She gave a shy smile and only batted her eyelashes at them.
Rating: a very high R
Featured Celebs: Jared Padalecki, Tom Welling, Allison Mack, Michael Rosenbaum, and Jensen Ackles
Summary: Jared finds something shocking when he house-sits for the CW's hottest off-screen couple.
Notes: This is an insanely random, insanely naughty humor-based fic. The basis for this story (meaning relationships and living arrangements, etc.) are based purely on roleplaying storylines at the_marquee. The story in itself is based on some wacky dream I had all last week, one that was screaming to be turned into a story. Be warned, there is some slightly sexually explicit language here, and partial description of sexual situations. This is dedicated to endlesscharade, who has made me fall madly in silly love with her take on Jared. Enjoy. :p
"DUUDE... I am so friggin' bored." Jared whined as he leaned back in the recliner he sat in.
"So you called us over to hang out, and you're STILL bored?" Jensen gave him a look. "Gee, thanks, man."
"We need to find some fun, guys." Mike said. "The question is, what the hell can find to do HERE? Tom and Alli are freaking boring, I guess."
Jared almost regretted ever volunteering to do this, as he sat there, wishing he had something to do.
Tom and Allison had been able to steal some time away from filming for Smallville to take a week-long trip to some location they refused to tell people about, and had needed someone to housesit, as well as watch over their four dogs and pet bunny. Jared had whole-heartedly volunteered to do it for his two closest friends, and packed up his two dogs to spend the week at what he called The Tallison House. He'd left Jensen and Mike at the aptly-named Love Shack, Alli's old place, which she'd rented to them once she and Tom were an official couple, and totally, completely living together.
There were two days left in the big old house, and Jared couldn't stand the idea of spending another afternoon alone. So he'd called Jensen and Mike over.
And now, the three of them had nothing to do.
"I wonder if Tom has any porn?" Jared joked.
Jensen snorted. "Man, are you crazy? Mr. 'I-Only-Wanna-See-My-Fiancée-Naked' ?"
Jared stood from his seat and walked over to look through the small crate Tom and Alli kept all their movies in, kneeling down next to it. "You guys wanna watch something...?" He trailed off as he moved some DVDs around, and suddenly spotted a videotape. It only had a label on the side, and it was unmarked. "Holy crap."
Jensen raised an eyebrow. "Jare... What are you Holy Crap-ping about?"
Jared's eyes were wide as he pulled the videotape out of the crate and held it up. "Apparently, Tom does have porn..."
Mike immediately ran over and snatched it out of his hand. "Dude, we so have to watch this. We could use it as blackmail or something."
Jared stood back up and moved back to the recliner. "Put it on, Mikey."
Mike went over and slid the tape into the VCR, and moved back to stand next to Jensen while they waited for the video to start playing.
As soon as it did, all of their jaws hit the floor.
They all blurted out the same obscenity at once.
"DUDE! They videotaped THEMSELVES!" Jared exclaimed.
Mike said nothing, only stared at Tom and Allison having sex on the tape.
Jensen averted his eyes from the TV. "I have more respect for Tom and Alli than to watch their personal stuff, so if y'all are gonna keep it playing, I'm outta here."
Jared gave him a look. "This has nothing to do with respect, Jens. You wuss-say!"
Jensen rolled his eyes and headed for the door.
He always was the Moe to Jared's Larry and Mike's Curly.
The two didn't even notice when he left.
"Damn... I didn't realize Alli had such a set of lungs on her." Jared muttered.
"I didn't realize she had such a nice set of tits on her..." Mike mumbled, and the giant seated next to him gave him a hearty laugh.
They both stared at the TV as something changed on the videotape, and Tom and Alli moved apart for a moment.
Jared's eyes and mouth widened. "DAMMMNNNN... that's the biggest thinger I've ever seen!"
Mike blinked. "And I thought Andre was big..." He looked down at his own crotch for a moment, then looked back at the screen.
"Dude... that is so not a penis." Jared said. "That's a monster penis."
Mike tilted his head. "I wonder if that thing hurts..."
A loud feminine moan came from the TV set.
"I guess not." Jared said.
They continued to watch for another couple minutes, and then...
"God, with the way she's shrieking, you'd think that he was killing her." Jared blinked.
"Maybe he was..." Mike stared at the TV, growing incoherent.
"Man, Alli DOES have a big ass..."
"You know what the song says, Jere... 'My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns'..."
"Anaconda, indeed..." Jared blinked. He was quiet for a few moments. "Damn... they're kinky." He looked over at Mike. "I swear, dude, if you weren't here, I'd so be jacking off right now. This is hot. This is, like, the best porn ever."
Mike smirked. "Don't hold back on my account..."
The next thing they knew, Alli was practically screaming on the videotape. It was so loud, they didn't notice when the front door suddenly creeped open.
Another, more horrified scream suddenly came from behind them, and Jared and Mike jumped.
They turned to see Tom and Alli standing there, obviously having returned early from their trip.
Alli looked beyond mortified, her cheeks turning so red they were almost purple, tears in her eyes.
Tom was shooting at both of them what Jared called "The Red Heat Vision Glare That Could Fry Chicken".
Jared scrambled for the remote, trying to shut it off, as an utterly humiliated Allison buried her face in Tom's chest.
When Tom finally spoke, his voice had deepened about five notches from its normal range, and there was fire behind every word. "What in the hell is going on here?!?"
Jared stood, walking around to face Tom. "We accidentally found your homemade porn. And we were so bored, we watched it." He glanced down at Alli, and suddenly snickered. "Aww, Alli, why don't you bury your face in his crotch? It'd be so much hotter."
The glare intensified, and Alli buried her face further into Tom's chest to hide her embarrassment.
"How dare you." Tom growled.
"Ya know, Tom, the thought of me, Jens, and Mikey is hot... but ya'll are FLAMIN' hot." Jared broke into a goofy grin. "We're all so hot, we should all, like, get together and have one big huge hot orgy."
Tom didn't look a bit amused. "Jarhead, you're one hell of a sick bastard."
Allison's head suddenly rose a little, and she sniffled. "Actually, I like that idea."
Eyebrows rose at the weak-voiced comment, and all three men gave her the strangest look they could muster.
She gave a shy smile and only batted her eyelashes at them.