nostalgia
So i'm up pretty late on this sunday morning which is really only saturday afternoon for 100% of the people who read this, and I was doing something I haven't done in a long time. I was going through my first entries in this thing and seeing where my livejournal has taken me over the years. It really helped put some of my current stresses and whatnots in perspective simply because at the time that i wrote about what was bothering me back then, those problems were crushing me as hard as some of the problems i deal with now are crushing me. To look back on them now just makes them seem so silly because i know that things worked out even if not for the best, they still did and many a good time was had beyond the problems of yesterday.
So, I'm thinking that I want to start updating this again. It really gave me solace and in some cases more added stress by getting my feelings out there and having anyone who wanted to rebut or comment on them let me know what they thought about me and my feelings. Of course now that I'm no longer in a relationship with someone, I was hesitant to write publicly about my bad feelings because i somehow felt that they'd use my sadness to feel better about themselves and take joy in the fact that i'm not happy after the break. What i've come to realize is that these past relationships while did give me some joy gave me sadness as well without exception and that realistically they're trivial in the overall happiness that i'll experience. As some say, they come and go.
I've had a few conversations lately with assorted people on 'happiness'. If i were to be polled or surveyed and asked a question like: "generally, would you say that you're a happy person?" and there are some points when i would say yes and know full well that it wasn't true, say yes and be ineffectually leaning towards it being the truth, sometimes that i'd feel so down that i'd say that i am and never have been happy, just lying to myself about it and i'm starting to realize that nobody can be 'happy'. There are always ups and downs, hills and valleys; what have you. I also had several conversations with assorted people during my times of misery and i remember saying that i almost enjoyed the sadness because it gave me a clear and understandable emotion when usually i'm not plagued by contemplating my feelings but rather my reasoning for my thoughts.
From this i've made a decision. I'm tired of feeling like i'm out of control when it comes to my emotions. if i'm not happy, people are telling me that i should be or that i can be when i find the right girl, right job, right place, etc. well, i'm beginning to accept that there's a reason that my brain is making me unhappy and i'm going to experience that emotion. basically i want to get more in touch with my feelings. hur hur. I'm tired of feeling like i'm feeling things for inappropriate reasons. when i'm angry, there's a reason i'm angry, sad--sad, etc.
I guess a good place to start is why i've been feeling so nostalgic lately. I've been daydreaming back to days long past and completely different from my current situation so much so that it's like looking at a different person experiencing these things that i remember. It'll always be true that i'll miss the good ol' days. I've had thoughts like this before concerning my father and whether or not he goes through the same feelings of just how many days have passed and how far away they are from where he is now. I think that thinking about them make them forever there for me. I'm not trying to avoid moving on or live in a non-reality based in good memories from my past, but i guess i just like thinking about them. probably coupled with home-sickness.
I should probably slink off to bed, sleep sounds like a good remedy to my overactive brain. but i'd like to say to those who read this and to those who don't that they're included in this statement, but i'm finally learning to appreciate the people in my history, even if bridges were burned and we're so far apart from the time that our paths crossed that every one of you has affected me in some way and i'm glad that it's there, even if they were bad memories. i believe i spotted this in one of amy's away messages at some point:
"Never regret anything because at the time, it was exactly what you wanted."
There's a lot of wisdom in that statement, and i'm finally getting interested in gaining wisdom and really growing my brain again. can't say whether or not it'll hold in the future, but it got me to write enough tonight.