Series of Thoughts on Me and Life and possibly Fish
I'm feelin very strange. Like there is all this stuff in my head that won't actually come out of my subconcious. So I don't actually know what is there, but it is so full that I can feel the pressure of it on my concious mind. Does that make sense?
I am feeling the need for...not necessarily affirmation, but for someone to read my stuff. I mean. I don't know. I just want it to be out there, even if it isn't finished. I want someone to read and possibly appreciate it. I read my stuff and I (sometimes) think to myself. "This is amazing! I can't believe that I wrote this." And then I try to write more and it sucks (to me anyway). I don't know how this is working. I am at an odd state. I am not in "writing mode" as I have termed the periods of literary vomiting that produces a large quantity of stuff, that may or may not be any good. But neither am I in a period of complete and total inactivity. I think this is a sign of my maturation as a writer. I think that the thought that I need to be in the "mood" to write is part of a preconceived notion that for a professional writer everything is always easy, and it just flows. It isn't, and it doesn't. It is work, and you have to teach yourself how to get it to flow, and if you can't then you have to push it out. Writing is often compared to giving birth...though I hope that there isn't that much pain...and maybe I am pregnant? If I am, I should probably start eating better sources of words...*sighs* But then I was thinking a little earlier about the idea that maybe I am getting a skewed vision of how good my stuff is. I read a lot of fan fiction. Everyone who knows me knows that. I am honestly, without being boastful (I hope), better than most of the writers I read. There are a number of exceptions, I have a read a number of people who are absolutely amazing writers without the whole editing process that a book goes through to get published. But fan fiction pulls all types. These people aren't necessarily the best writers, they do it for fun, and they get enjoyment from it, and I say, if they do, yay for them. But they aren't the level that I need to set my personal bar at. I have laughed, teared up, gotten tense, and a myriad of other emotions reading fan fiction...and once (that comes to mind, it may have been more) I even sobbed. Literally. It was a Harry Potter story written by someone named something like abaddon and by the end of it the tears were pouring and I was sitting on my bed sobbing. Anyway, that is beside the point. ...I think that this is beginning to turn into a circular thought...so I am going to cut off right there, and pick another point on the merry-go-round...
I just want to write. And I hate that I can't always do it...and I hate that when I do it, I don't always feel like it is any good. I started something new the other day...I felt inspired to write an anime-ish thing...which isn't really anime, because obviously it isn't animated, and it anything like manga because it isn't illustrated...*sighs* again beside the point...but that is the thing. I keep starting new stuff. And it starts off really good, I come up with a basic idea, and go with it. And I can go and then I hit a certain point, and I stop. And I only know half of the reason...half of it is because I don't know where I am going anymore. And that is because I don't outline. I have a hard time outlining, but it would save me so much pain. Another part of the problem is that I stop writing and start making lists...I am obsessed with lists. I get it from my mom. She used to joke that she made lists of her lists, and it is possible that she did once or twice. I make lists of characters, and lists of where they are from, what kind of magic they can do, or what god they follow, or how old they are, or who their parents are, and there are the lists of the castes in this culture, and the mage classes you can achieve, and the names of all the races, and the factions in this intergalactic war and...you get the picture. And I have a hard time getting back to the writing because every time I finish a list I think of another list that needs to be made before I can get on with the story, but really, it doesn't matter. Lists are good, yes, but I don't need lists of everything before I even start writing. I can do them as I go. But really, it all comes down to having a mental block. I am sure that is what it is. I don't know the source, and I don't know why...but I must have some sort of fear or other psychological issue that keeps me from finishing...
I started my FAFSA earlier. I don't know how much I actually got filled out (I am doing it online) but I need to talk to my mom (hence, the reminder to call her). I need to know if she is claiming me. I don't know if she could this year or not, but I know that I didn't make enough money to actually file taxes, so this could be interesting...maybe the will realize that I have no money and am not being supported by my parents and give me lots of money for school...that would be nice. (*sighs* I need to win the lottery) I also need to get in my application to NNU. *has the horrible thought that his gpa went down far enough that they won't accept him* *realizes that they have a liberal acceptance policy, and he shouldn't have a problem*
So...I am cold...and tired...I am going to bed...I want an electric blanket...goodnight...
I am feeling the need for...not necessarily affirmation, but for someone to read my stuff. I mean. I don't know. I just want it to be out there, even if it isn't finished. I want someone to read and possibly appreciate it. I read my stuff and I (sometimes) think to myself. "This is amazing! I can't believe that I wrote this." And then I try to write more and it sucks (to me anyway). I don't know how this is working. I am at an odd state. I am not in "writing mode" as I have termed the periods of literary vomiting that produces a large quantity of stuff, that may or may not be any good. But neither am I in a period of complete and total inactivity. I think this is a sign of my maturation as a writer. I think that the thought that I need to be in the "mood" to write is part of a preconceived notion that for a professional writer everything is always easy, and it just flows. It isn't, and it doesn't. It is work, and you have to teach yourself how to get it to flow, and if you can't then you have to push it out. Writing is often compared to giving birth...though I hope that there isn't that much pain...and maybe I am pregnant? If I am, I should probably start eating better sources of words...*sighs* But then I was thinking a little earlier about the idea that maybe I am getting a skewed vision of how good my stuff is. I read a lot of fan fiction. Everyone who knows me knows that. I am honestly, without being boastful (I hope), better than most of the writers I read. There are a number of exceptions, I have a read a number of people who are absolutely amazing writers without the whole editing process that a book goes through to get published. But fan fiction pulls all types. These people aren't necessarily the best writers, they do it for fun, and they get enjoyment from it, and I say, if they do, yay for them. But they aren't the level that I need to set my personal bar at. I have laughed, teared up, gotten tense, and a myriad of other emotions reading fan fiction...and once (that comes to mind, it may have been more) I even sobbed. Literally. It was a Harry Potter story written by someone named something like abaddon and by the end of it the tears were pouring and I was sitting on my bed sobbing. Anyway, that is beside the point. ...I think that this is beginning to turn into a circular thought...so I am going to cut off right there, and pick another point on the merry-go-round...
I just want to write. And I hate that I can't always do it...and I hate that when I do it, I don't always feel like it is any good. I started something new the other day...I felt inspired to write an anime-ish thing...which isn't really anime, because obviously it isn't animated, and it anything like manga because it isn't illustrated...*sighs* again beside the point...but that is the thing. I keep starting new stuff. And it starts off really good, I come up with a basic idea, and go with it. And I can go and then I hit a certain point, and I stop. And I only know half of the reason...half of it is because I don't know where I am going anymore. And that is because I don't outline. I have a hard time outlining, but it would save me so much pain. Another part of the problem is that I stop writing and start making lists...I am obsessed with lists. I get it from my mom. She used to joke that she made lists of her lists, and it is possible that she did once or twice. I make lists of characters, and lists of where they are from, what kind of magic they can do, or what god they follow, or how old they are, or who their parents are, and there are the lists of the castes in this culture, and the mage classes you can achieve, and the names of all the races, and the factions in this intergalactic war and...you get the picture. And I have a hard time getting back to the writing because every time I finish a list I think of another list that needs to be made before I can get on with the story, but really, it doesn't matter. Lists are good, yes, but I don't need lists of everything before I even start writing. I can do them as I go. But really, it all comes down to having a mental block. I am sure that is what it is. I don't know the source, and I don't know why...but I must have some sort of fear or other psychological issue that keeps me from finishing...
I started my FAFSA earlier. I don't know how much I actually got filled out (I am doing it online) but I need to talk to my mom (hence, the reminder to call her). I need to know if she is claiming me. I don't know if she could this year or not, but I know that I didn't make enough money to actually file taxes, so this could be interesting...maybe the will realize that I have no money and am not being supported by my parents and give me lots of money for school...that would be nice. (*sighs* I need to win the lottery) I also need to get in my application to NNU. *has the horrible thought that his gpa went down far enough that they won't accept him* *realizes that they have a liberal acceptance policy, and he shouldn't have a problem*
So...I am cold...and tired...I am going to bed...I want an electric blanket...goodnight...