Running through my head....
So, I have so much stuff in my head, I'm not really sure where to begin. Some of it is about my beliefs. Some of it is about the way I interact with other people. *sighs* We'll see just how much I can get out.
I was thinking the other day. It is really hard on the brain/mind/emotion/spirit/soul/whatever when a person is raised basically christian and then, for one reason or another, loses that faith. I have been left with a void where it used to be. I have been trained all my life to reject everything and anything that could possibly fill it, and I am having a hard time accepting christianity back in. I don't know what I want, I don't know what I should want. So for now, I term myself agnostic, because really that is the perfect term for it. I am without knowledge. (When I thought about posting those thoughts, I thought it would take a lot more words than that...)
I think that I am flawed. I don't know if it is just something in my brain that is missing, or if I was trained that way in the relationships that I have had. I have come to the conclusion that there is some sort of martyr complex that guides me most of the time, and when I allow myself to do anything remotely selfish I feel like shit, and I feel like everyone that is in the area of effect, so to speak, should hate me for being a selfish bastard. And I think that causes me to pull away from those I think that I have wronged, real or imaginary wrongs, and protect myself from the hurt of rejection. And I have no idea what kind of deal this is, and if it is even true or not, but that was the thought I had earlier. I think that is causes a lot of my relationships to fall apart without help from the other party or an outside source, and I apologize to any that it has affected. (I really hope that I am getting my affect and effects right) I have an extremely low self esteem, and I am in constant need of reassurance, I am extremely dependent on others, yet at the same time, I want to be independent, I don't want to have to ask if everything I am doing is okay, and I hate feeling needy. I am almost thinking that I was trained to react this way by my elementary school friends. We had this totally fucked up relationship where two of us, Brandon and myself, were like best friends...half the time. The other half the time, one of us, come to think of it, it may have been always him, but I could be wrong, would find something that the other one had done wrong, and decide to hate the other for a while, and we would drag out friends into it, forcing them to choose sides, and being downright cruel to each other. Sometimes he would have all the friends, sometimes they would be split down the middle, and I am trying to remember if there was ever a time when I had all the friends...I don't think so...There was one time when he had pretty much everyone, but one of the girls pretended to be his friend, but was really my friend, and we were really messed up little kids. And really I don't know why we were that way, we just were.
Anyway, I don't know if that is everything that is floating around my head or not, but it is at least some of it...
I was thinking the other day. It is really hard on the brain/mind/emotion/spirit/soul/whatever when a person is raised basically christian and then, for one reason or another, loses that faith. I have been left with a void where it used to be. I have been trained all my life to reject everything and anything that could possibly fill it, and I am having a hard time accepting christianity back in. I don't know what I want, I don't know what I should want. So for now, I term myself agnostic, because really that is the perfect term for it. I am without knowledge. (When I thought about posting those thoughts, I thought it would take a lot more words than that...)
I think that I am flawed. I don't know if it is just something in my brain that is missing, or if I was trained that way in the relationships that I have had. I have come to the conclusion that there is some sort of martyr complex that guides me most of the time, and when I allow myself to do anything remotely selfish I feel like shit, and I feel like everyone that is in the area of effect, so to speak, should hate me for being a selfish bastard. And I think that causes me to pull away from those I think that I have wronged, real or imaginary wrongs, and protect myself from the hurt of rejection. And I have no idea what kind of deal this is, and if it is even true or not, but that was the thought I had earlier. I think that is causes a lot of my relationships to fall apart without help from the other party or an outside source, and I apologize to any that it has affected. (I really hope that I am getting my affect and effects right) I have an extremely low self esteem, and I am in constant need of reassurance, I am extremely dependent on others, yet at the same time, I want to be independent, I don't want to have to ask if everything I am doing is okay, and I hate feeling needy. I am almost thinking that I was trained to react this way by my elementary school friends. We had this totally fucked up relationship where two of us, Brandon and myself, were like best friends...half the time. The other half the time, one of us, come to think of it, it may have been always him, but I could be wrong, would find something that the other one had done wrong, and decide to hate the other for a while, and we would drag out friends into it, forcing them to choose sides, and being downright cruel to each other. Sometimes he would have all the friends, sometimes they would be split down the middle, and I am trying to remember if there was ever a time when I had all the friends...I don't think so...There was one time when he had pretty much everyone, but one of the girls pretended to be his friend, but was really my friend, and we were really messed up little kids. And really I don't know why we were that way, we just were.
Anyway, I don't know if that is everything that is floating around my head or not, but it is at least some of it...