Fic: Being Yourself Isn't Always Easy (Glee, Dave-centric)
Title: Being Yourself Isn’t Always Easy
Pairing: One-sided Dave/Kurt
Rating: R (Lots of swearing in this fic)
Summary: Redemption fic for Dave. Dave has an epiphany while standing in front of the slushie machine with a valentine’s in his pocket.
Disclaimer: I own nothing to do with Glee. It’s not my toy box, I’m merely playing. I also own nothing to do with Alpha Flight.
Spoilers: Up to “Silly Love Songs”
A/N: This fic basically ate my brain over the last few weeks. I went back and forth on many things and it ended up a lot longer than I intended it to. In warning there is one kiss between Kurt and Dave in here. It’s mutual, but it’s not the start of a relationship.
A/N2: Also for the angst_bingo prompt: fear.
Being Yourself Isn’t Always Easy:
Dave decided having an epiphany while standing in front of the slushie machine so Azimo can decide on a target is probably the worst timing he’s ever had, especially since he’s remembering how badly the stuff had burned his eyes. This wasn’t the time to realize that he'd been a complete asshole who’s been a complete fuck up for the last few months.
He shoved his hands into his letterman jacket with a scowl.
The epiphany should’ve been when Finn had tried to convince him to drive all the way out to…and he couldn’t even go there. Finn was more dense than Brittany some days and he really just wasn’t going to go there.
The epiphany should’ve happened when he realized he’d driven a fellow student out of the school, when he was sitting scared in the office with father and a principal and his secret hinging on Kurt’s generosity, when he’d kis…threatened, scared, tortured the one person offering to help him.
He still couldn’t get the look of horror that had covered Kurt’s face, after their kiss, out of his head, no matter how many terrified looks he’d forced to replace it with.
His hand hit the homemade card he’d shoved into his pocket. Fake and stay or leave and think?
“I think I’m going to be sick.”
Azimo barely looked at him, but that made leaving easy. When he stumbled into the bathroom he pulled the card out of his pocket and stared at the childish writing and scribble. Little hearts in random colors covered the front and his name had been shakily written on with crayon. Little brat had even remembered that red was his favorite color and written his name in that.
He let his head bang against the wall of the stall he’d locked himself into. How bad had the last few months been? Everything was blurred. An echo of his father talking about grades ran around through his head. Dave closed his eyes and tried to take a deep breath. That was supposed to work wasn’t it, deep breaths?
The bathroom door banged open.
“You’re not wimping out on me are you?”
“I’m sick,” he complained. He couldn’t throw a slushie, not now, maybe not ever again. No, definitely not ever again. He shoved the card back into his pocket and sat down, burying his head in his hand.
“You’re not…do you need the nurse?”
“No,” he managed to croak.
The stall door jiggled, then Azimo’s voice is concerned, “I’ll go get the nurse.”
Dave reached up and unlocked the door, pushed it and stared as his friend looked down at him. They stared silently at each other, unmoving, until Dave reached over, pulled the cup from Azimo’s hand and dumped it down the toilet. It almost felt satisfying to see the thing flush away.
“What was that for?” Azimo raged.
Dave frowned, stared as the last of the slushie swirled away, “I don’t think I’m ever doing that again.”
“Have you gone soft on me?” Azimo demanded, “If you don’t do it, it’ll get done to you and we’ve already been there, don’t tell me you want to go back.”
Dave let his head thump against the stall wall. His life is fucked.
Azimo crosses his arms and presses his lips together. Dave closed his eyes, not ready, so very much not ready, to go into why he’s freaking out.
“Whatever,” Azimo told him before walking away, “Come find me when you figure out you still want to be on top.”
Dave thumped his head against the wall in frustration, throwing the empty plastic cup and screaming, “Fuck!”
It was the start of his end at McKinley.
Posting a petition to get rid of the slushie machine was easy, as was doing so in an empty hall. What Dave wasn’t prepared for was the glee club taking over the petition, getting to it before any jocks could tear it down. They actually went so far as to make copies and walking around with clip boards, only no one saw anyone sign. Still the petition made its way to Figgins desk with roughly three-forth of the students’ signatures.
He half expected his friendship with Azimo to start again with complaints about their losing the slushie machine. Instead he got clipped in the shoulder and an angry glare. If he can lose Azimo over a slushie than what’s the point of trying to salvage their friendship?
For the first time he seriously thought about coming out, what that would mean, who he would lose.
He’d already lost his best friend, over a frozen drink turned torture device. He found himself watching his father, mother, brother and wondering how much time he had left with them. How quickly would they turn against him? He had to wonder about the glimmer of hope that they would accept him when everything he’d seen from them over the last few months proved to him that they wouldn’t. When he couldn’t take it anymore he’d take out the card, the childish valentine, and wonder about a cousin who would’ve accepted him, who would’ve guided him, who would’ve loved him no matter what…
a cousin who would’ve been disappointed in him when he realized just how and why Dave had bullied one of his classmates.
It’s the disappointment that killed him. The disappointment he’ll never have, but knew would’ve been there.
It’s when the stray thought that he doesn’t deserve a second chance crashed over him on a particularly grueling day, one when the pretending, the charade of being what his family expected him to be got to be too much, that Dave realized that if he was going to have a second chance he had to be the one to make it happen. He had to act.
Ben Jacob Israel and his need for gossip seemed like the perfect out. His easily intimidated nature only helped. Before he can second guess himself Dave has Israel agreeing to make a video of all the times he’s messed with Kurt, one that will only stay up a few days, just enough time for it to circulate through the student body…just enough time that no one would let him near Kurt again. He barely even has to look at Israel, just ask and it’s pretty much done.
Somehow it wasn’t until he’s sat down with Israel to see the final product, that the gossip-hound finally caught on. He should’ve known by the look Israel gave him.
“What?”
Israel swallowed hard before he pointed out, “A lot of this video could be taken as sexual harassment, not just bullying.”
“So.”
“You’re going to beat me up because I’m not going to be able to keep quiet that you’re totally gay for Hummel.”
“I’m just gay.”
Three words. First time he’d said it and it was scary, but it was there, said, finally.
Israel’s mouth opened then closed, silent for a moment, but only for a moment, “You’ll be bottom of the food-chain. They’ll be tossing you in dumpsters like they did Puck last year!”
He’d stayed long enough to make sure Israel’s gonna do what they’d agreed on and then he waited on the fallout.
He figured lines would be drawn quickly. He hadn’t counted on Berry walking up to him first thing the morning after screaming and swinging. He hunched over. She glared, huffed and punched him. He never even got to tell her ‘go ahead, I deserve it’ before Zizes pulled her off him.
He had thought some of the teachers would see, but he realized this wasn’t the case when he and Rachel are called into Figgins office and the lie that he fell and Rachel accidently gave him a black eye are accepted.
The most surprising reaction to him is Puck. All he got was a glare and a, “So you’re an asshole?”
“Basically.”
“Hurt him again and I break you.
Dave nodded as he forced down the urge to rise to the challenge in Puck’s face and voice. Instead he took a breath and started to tell him, “Look, I’m sorry that I…”
“Wasn’t just you,” Puck cut him off, “And I finally met Lauren so we’re all good.”
They are, all good after that, even though Dave thought it should be more work. Puck actually is the one who dragged Hudson away when Finn finally figured it out. Puck caught Finn and told him he was a bit late to that party, now isn’t the time to beat up Dave.
“Kurt’s my brother,” Finn growled, “And he…he…”
“Fucked up,” Puck supplied, “You had your chance to do something about it and you chose to sit it out.”
Evans stood awkwardly nearby, looking for all the world as though he wanted to join in. Dave wasn’t able to wonder why for long because Rachel stepped in and calmed Finn, pointing out she should’ve gotten in trouble and hadn’t.
It’s not exactly forgiveness from her, but it feels like a start.
Sam doesn’t back down when Azimo clipped him on the shoulder and with a glare told him, “Wrong choice man.”
All Dave can do is stand there, stunned. He’d tried to prepare, told himself he’d lose his best friend, but he hadn’t been prepared for the devastation that would wash over him.
If losing his best friend felt this badly, how was it going to feel to lose his family?
Evan’s voice pulled him from his contemplation, “No one would chose to be something that would immediately make them hated and feared by the ignorant majority of this callous and intolerant world.”
Azimo stopped, “What?”
Sam just glared as Dave felt the edge of pain begin to bleed off.
“What was that?” Azimo demanded.
“Northstar. Alpha Flight, volume two issue eight,” Sam answered.
“Geek,” Azimo grumbled before he walked away.
He thanked Sam, prodded and with the right questions actually got an entire spiel about gay comic book characters. It was interesting. He hadn’t even known transgendered bisexual characters existed during the eighties. Asking Sam questions that led to geeky answers somehow led to the rest of Glee club rallying around him and pushing off some of the worst of the harassment that was immediately being hurled his way. He managed to salvage an odd friendship with Artie and was surprised by how accepting the young man could be on some accounts, but completely bigoted on others. He was surprised by how much Mike knew if he felt comfortable enough to open up. Mercedes still won’t talk to him, but she’s progressed slowly from glares to occasional smiles. For Dave it almost feels like he’s found friends, that he almost fits in with their self proclaimed rag-tag group of misfits.
It took Dave two weeks from his epiphany in front of the slushie machine to completely change his life. It took him three weeks of having a card in his pocket to finally be sitting on a bench, two rows away from a grave he hasn’t visited before. Dave sat there numb and eyed where he knew the grave was, unable to make himself move.
The last thing he expected was to look up and see Kurt completely paused just staring at him. Dave stared back down at the card, forced himself to just look away because that way Kurt could just leave and…maybe he should leave?
“What the hell are you doing here?”
Dave looked up at the demanding voice, looked past Kurt and was honest, “Working up the nerve to visit my cousin.”
Kurt looked to where Dave’s gaze had traveled past him and then looked back. Their eyes met and Dave forced himself to look away. He’d thought he’d never see Kurt again, he hadn’t counted on running into him. How had he run into him in the middle of the cemetery?
Wait, had he just asked?
“I was visiting my mother.”
Dave nodded. He glanced over when Kurt dropped onto the bench beside him. He tilted his head as Kurt lifted his chin defiantly and told him, “I’m not scared of you anymore.”
“Good,” Dave smiled. It was good to see a hint of the old Kurt back, it was good to see that maybe he hadn’t damaged Kurt into always looking that terrified.
“Wes and David made me take Kung Fu with them,” Kurt continued.
“Going to kick my ass now?” Dave teased before he could stop himself.
“Took down the captain of the football team yesterday,” Kurt told him.
Dave nodded, “Good.”
They sat in silence for a moment.
“Rachel told me what you did, Mercedes too,” Kurt said, “I couldn’t watch the video.”
“It wasn’t easy to see,” Dave admitted, “And I’m really sorry for what I did to you. I don’t really have an excuse. I was an asshole.”
He expected Kurt to walk away, perhaps make a scathing comment first, especially as the silence between them stretched out.
“I don’t think I’m ready to forgive you,” Kurt finally told him.
“I wasn’t sure I was allowed to apologize,” Dave replied, “but this will probably be my only chance so…”
“What made you…”
Dave glanced over, watched Kurt studying him and felt stupid and small. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the valentine, handing it over.
“A little kid?”
Dave wet his lips, “I had this cousin. I kinda hero-worshiped him. He was older than me, grew up, got married and adopted. They came to some family functions, but it was always seemed awkward with my parents. Then Jake was diagnosed with cancer. My Dad said he was getting what he deserved. I had to sneak, just to go see him. Then he died and we didn’t even go to the funeral.”
He glanced over again, unprepared for the sympathy on Kurt’s face. Dave stared down at his hands, felt he didn’t deserve understanding.
“That’s why your grades were slipping?”
Dave barked out a laugh, “My grades were slipping because I’d finally realize that if I accepted who I was I was going to lose my family. He was gay and so am I.”
Dave took a breath to steady him, told himself it would get easier to say over time. He stared down at his hands, “And I was stupid. Gave up the only sport I loved to go play fucking football.”
“So why football, if you hate it so much?”
Dave shrugged, “Make my dad happy? For some reason it scared my mom less than hockey. Azimo thought it’d make us hugely popular and…”
“And?” Kurt prompted after a moment.
“Teenage hormones make you do stupid shit?” Dave admitted as he glanced over.
Kurt glared and looked unimpressed, “Explanation any time would be appreciated.”
“I thought you’d be a cheerleader again,” Dave grumbled, staring at the grass, not daring to look up, feeling stupid.
“Wh-What?”
Dave stared at his hands, heard the hesitation in Kurt’s voice and wasn’t sure the truth wouldn’t continue to do more damage, “Do you really want me to tell you?”
The silence stretched again and Kurt broke it with a sigh, “You actually had a crush on me?”
Dave nodded.
“I thought it was because I was the only out gay kid,” the frown in Kurt’s voice is clear from his tone.
Dave took a breath, worked up the nerve to look at Kurt as he attempted to tease gently, “Come on, you have to know how hot you were in that Cherrio’s uniform?”
Kurt’s lips quirked, just slightly, into an almost smile and Dave couldn’t help but think that this looked better than any terrified look he’d managed to put on Kurt’s face before. Why hadn’t he figured that out before he’d caused so much damage? Why hadn’t he been strong? Why had he let fear rule him? Why had he let himself easily slip into the hierarchy at McKinley High?
“I don’t know how you did it,” Dave managed, an almost answer to his own questions, “I can’t believe half of the hate that is coming my way and the only thing getting me through, is I know I probably won’t be attending for much longer.”
Kurt’s face turned serious, “What are you saying?”
“What?”
“If you’re not going to be at school, where are you going to be?” Kurt explained carefully with a hint of the old ‘I’m so much smarter than you are, you Neanderthal’ coming through in his tone. This used to set Dave off, bring anger boiling up inside of him, but now the tone is almost a comfort, proof that Kurt is coming back to being the confident boy he’d pushed away.
“Will probably go be a Westvale Wizard after my family kicks me out,” he explained.
“Their kicking you out?”
“Probably,” he managed, took a breath and continued, “I’m telling them this weekend. Jake’s husband, Blair said that I can come stay with him. He can use the help with Em and I can transfer to Westvale. It won’t be too awful. He said if he can get me on his insurance I can go see a counselor, try and deal with my anger management and self hating issues. Westvale has a good hockey team, I can try out next year. Kinda always wanted to see if I was any good at some of the track and field stuff so…”
He ended with a shrug.
“Just don’t join Aural Intensity,” Kurt advised.
Dave gave Kurt a questioning look.
“Coach Sylvester is in charge.”
Dave grimaced, “How did you put up with that amount of craziness? I mean Coach Beiste wasn’t easy, but at least what she made sense and if it didn’t she’d let us ask and take the time to explain. Sylvester seems, she seems kinda crazy.”
Kurt shrugged, “I don’t know, just did. Thankfully she liked me and I managed to take some of the things she said with a grain of salt.”
Dave nodded. They lapsed into silence. Dave took a breath and told him, “I’m sorry about your wedding figurines. I should pay you for them. I kinda threw them away when I realized how creepy that was. And…crap, they were sentimental weren’t they and I just majorly screwed up again, didn’t I? How much do you hate me now? I sh…”
“Stop,” Kurt told him.
Dave forced himself to meet Kurt’s eyes, gave him an apologetic look.
“It was ten dollar at Pat Catan’s and I bought it for inspiration. It wasn’t the actual cake topper I was planning on using,” Kurt said, stating facts.
Dave pulled out his wallet and handed Kurt a twenty. Kurt frowned at it.
“All I’ve got,” Dave told him.
“It is not,” Kurt protested, “I know I saw a ten in there.”
“I probably owe you way more than twenty with the things that I probably broke shoving you against lockers and the clothes I destroyed throwing you in dumpsters. I know I owe you way more than twenty.”
Kurt frowned, looked from him to the offered money, then back to his face, before he closed his hands around the money and put it in his wallet.
Dave nodded, surprised at how much he’d been allowed to apologize for. It gave him the strength to continue, “I screwed up in the locker room. I shou…I…shit.”
Dave looked away from Kurt, closed his eyes and admitted, “That was probably the most screwed up first kiss ever.”
“It was your first kiss?”
“Brittany tried to kiss me once, but I had to close my eyes and pretend she was a boy just to go through with it,” he admitted.
Kurt tilted his head and frowned.
“You actually dated her. How did you do that?”
Kurt shrugged, “That part of that whole screwed up process wasn’t bad. She taught me how to kiss and it was nice to cuddle.”
“Maybe I’m really fucked up.”
“What?” Kurt asked crossing his arms.
“I can’t even look at a girl like that,” Dave managed, “Every time one of the other guys starts going on about girls, if there’s a half naked picture my stomach just rolls and it just feels so wrong.”
“Maybe you’re more gay than I am,” Kurt teased.
Dave’s head snapped around. He took in the mocking look on Kurt’s face and for the first time managed to laugh at a fact about himself that made him uncomfortable.
“I don’t have to start dressing like you do I?” he teased back, pleased, comfortable in a way he hasn’t felt since he started realizing just who he was romantically inclined to be attracted to.
“Not everyone can pull of my outfits,” Kurt smiled, “Besides you should be yourself.”
“I’m still figuring that out.”
Kurt held out the Valentine, “Maybe you should start by talking to your cousin.”
Dave nodded, “Thanks.”
Kurt started to get up, then paused and turned. He regarded Dave before he admitted, voice haunted, “I can’t get that kiss out of my head.”
“I can’t forget the look on your face,” Dave told him, voice cracking. He wiped at the tears that suddenly came to his eyes, “I kept trying to replace it, as if making you hate me more would somehow get rid of it, but it just made it worse and…”
“Yeah, it did.”
Dave nodded.
“I don’t want to remember it anymore.”
“I don’t either.”
Kurt hesitated, frowned.
“You wanna hit me?”
“What’s that going to do?” Kurt asked with a roll of his eyes.
“Seemed to make Berry feel better,” Dave told him, “And Hudson keeps wanting to.”
A part of him wanted to tell Kurt what an idiot Hudson was, but the two were brothers now and he didn’t want to need to apologize to Kurt about something new.
“Wh-What if…”
Dave waited when Kurt trailed off.
“What if we replace it?” Kurt suggested.
“Replace it?” Dave asked, “As in try kissing again?”
Kurt frowned, tilted his head, then nodded.
“I,” Dave started and stopped, “I don’t deserve that.”
“Maybe it’s about me.”
“I’d like to be able to remember something different,” Dave managed, hesitantly. He wanted to smile at Kurt, wanted to be encouraging, but wanted to say that by wanting to do that he was asking too much at the same time. Would it be wrong to kiss again after all that had happened between them? It didn’t matter if it was wrong, Dave decided. Kurt might not be ready to forgive him, but if he wanted a kiss then Dave would give him one. Maybe one day Kurt would forgive him and maybe one day Dave hoped he’d be able to forgive himself.
Kurt dropped his bag on to the bench, moved to stand in front of him. He looked Dave over then frowned, “I don’t want to crawl all over you, but I don’t want to be trapped in your legs either.”
“You can kick my ass now,” Dave reminded.
Kurt smiled slightly, then told him, “Just don’t touch me okay.”
Dave pulled his hands up, showed them to Kurt then gripped the bottom of the bench tightly, “Your show, whatever you want.”
Kurt nodded, tilted his head and contemplated. Dave stilled and forced himself to remain quiet. He’d meant what he said, this was up to Kurt. He pushed down the part of him that told him he didn’t deserve this, the part of him that told him this was stupid, the part of him that wanted to push Kurt away with a mocking threat. He wasn’t going to be that hateful guy anymore, Dave reminded himself. He couldn’t go on being that guy anymore.
Kurt leaned in, gave a frustrated grumble, then crawled into Dave’s lap, placing his knees around Dave’s hips so that he was looking down at Dave. Dave glanced up, met Kurt’s eyes, saw the determination mixed with anxiety there.
“I’m sorry,” he said, unable to help himself.
“I know,” Kurt told him, “Just don’t move your hands.”
“Won’t, promise.”
Kurt nodded, closed the distance between them and brushed their lips over each other. This was so much better than before, not rushed, not full of fear and desperation, just anticipation. Dave opened slowly as Kurt kissed down into his mouth, soft hands cupping his face. He always read that kissing left tongues dueling in this fight for dominance, but this was a careful slide that moved into…dancing, their tongues were dancing and his grip on the benched tightened. He wasn’t going to touch Kurt, no matter how much he wanted to, he’d promised. Who knew kissing could be this sweet, this torturous and yet make his whole body hum with longing?
Dave whimpered, wanting more and knowing that he ruined any chance he had of asking.
Kurt pulled away. They stared, blinking at one another.
“Thank you,” Dave said when he found his voice again.
Kurt nodded, stood, straightened himself out and grabbed his bag as Dave let out a long breath and ran a hand through his hair.
“That was definitely better,” Kurt told him.
“Yeah,” Dave agreed, “Gonna try to remember that instead.”
“Me too. Now, go visit your cousin. He might not be going anywhere, but you can’t sit around here all day.”
Dave watched as Kurt walked away. Had that actually just happened? Had they managed to reach an understanding? Had he actually been able to apologize? It wasn’t forgiveness, they wouldn’t be friends, but it was a start.
Dave shook himself, pulled out his card and made his way over to his cousin’s grave. He hunkered down, took a breath and let out everything he’d been holding in for the last few years, the things he should’ve said, the things he wished he’d said and the fears that had kept him stagnant. It felt good to let go, it gave him the strength to move forward with his plans for the weekend. It gave him strength when he found himself throwing his belongings into his truck and driving to Westvale after talking with his family.
It was what he turned to as the he sat with his cousin through marriage that he tended to think of as an uncle in the principal’s office at what would become his new school. Did he have the strength to start over? Could he be a better person? Was he a better person? How bad was this school? Was it worse or better than McKinley? How much about him did the student body know? How badly would they tease? Did he have the strength to be himself, to stand tall and say ‘this is who I am’?
He tried to ignore the occasional buzz his phone made as they worked through the process of transferring him.
“Why don’t you see who’s trying to get a hold of you?” the principal suggested, “Just remember to turn off your phone while in class.”
Dave nodded, grabbed his phone and stepped into the hallway. He frowned at the number of calls he had. Why had Berry called him? Or Sam? Or Puck?
He stared at a text from Azimo: Please tell me I don’t have to come pull you out of a dumpster.
Then Brittany: Sam thinks you’re dead, please say you aren’t so we don’t have to cry.
Then Artie: Dude, you okay?
When he’d exchanged numbers with Mercedes he’d never thought she’d use it, she’d sent him: You alive?
Dave shook his head, feeling the fear of starting over begin to ebb away. Then he took in the last text, one from a number he didn’t recognize. He smiled and nodded. Kurt had one word for him: Courage.
Pairing: One-sided Dave/Kurt
Rating: R (Lots of swearing in this fic)
Summary: Redemption fic for Dave. Dave has an epiphany while standing in front of the slushie machine with a valentine’s in his pocket.
Disclaimer: I own nothing to do with Glee. It’s not my toy box, I’m merely playing. I also own nothing to do with Alpha Flight.
Spoilers: Up to “Silly Love Songs”
A/N: This fic basically ate my brain over the last few weeks. I went back and forth on many things and it ended up a lot longer than I intended it to. In warning there is one kiss between Kurt and Dave in here. It’s mutual, but it’s not the start of a relationship.
A/N2: Also for the angst_bingo prompt: fear.
Being Yourself Isn’t Always Easy:
Dave decided having an epiphany while standing in front of the slushie machine so Azimo can decide on a target is probably the worst timing he’s ever had, especially since he’s remembering how badly the stuff had burned his eyes. This wasn’t the time to realize that he'd been a complete asshole who’s been a complete fuck up for the last few months.
He shoved his hands into his letterman jacket with a scowl.
The epiphany should’ve been when Finn had tried to convince him to drive all the way out to…and he couldn’t even go there. Finn was more dense than Brittany some days and he really just wasn’t going to go there.
The epiphany should’ve happened when he realized he’d driven a fellow student out of the school, when he was sitting scared in the office with father and a principal and his secret hinging on Kurt’s generosity, when he’d kis…threatened, scared, tortured the one person offering to help him.
He still couldn’t get the look of horror that had covered Kurt’s face, after their kiss, out of his head, no matter how many terrified looks he’d forced to replace it with.
His hand hit the homemade card he’d shoved into his pocket. Fake and stay or leave and think?
“I think I’m going to be sick.”
Azimo barely looked at him, but that made leaving easy. When he stumbled into the bathroom he pulled the card out of his pocket and stared at the childish writing and scribble. Little hearts in random colors covered the front and his name had been shakily written on with crayon. Little brat had even remembered that red was his favorite color and written his name in that.
He let his head bang against the wall of the stall he’d locked himself into. How bad had the last few months been? Everything was blurred. An echo of his father talking about grades ran around through his head. Dave closed his eyes and tried to take a deep breath. That was supposed to work wasn’t it, deep breaths?
The bathroom door banged open.
“You’re not wimping out on me are you?”
“I’m sick,” he complained. He couldn’t throw a slushie, not now, maybe not ever again. No, definitely not ever again. He shoved the card back into his pocket and sat down, burying his head in his hand.
“You’re not…do you need the nurse?”
“No,” he managed to croak.
The stall door jiggled, then Azimo’s voice is concerned, “I’ll go get the nurse.”
Dave reached up and unlocked the door, pushed it and stared as his friend looked down at him. They stared silently at each other, unmoving, until Dave reached over, pulled the cup from Azimo’s hand and dumped it down the toilet. It almost felt satisfying to see the thing flush away.
“What was that for?” Azimo raged.
Dave frowned, stared as the last of the slushie swirled away, “I don’t think I’m ever doing that again.”
“Have you gone soft on me?” Azimo demanded, “If you don’t do it, it’ll get done to you and we’ve already been there, don’t tell me you want to go back.”
Dave let his head thump against the stall wall. His life is fucked.
Azimo crosses his arms and presses his lips together. Dave closed his eyes, not ready, so very much not ready, to go into why he’s freaking out.
“Whatever,” Azimo told him before walking away, “Come find me when you figure out you still want to be on top.”
Dave thumped his head against the wall in frustration, throwing the empty plastic cup and screaming, “Fuck!”
It was the start of his end at McKinley.
Posting a petition to get rid of the slushie machine was easy, as was doing so in an empty hall. What Dave wasn’t prepared for was the glee club taking over the petition, getting to it before any jocks could tear it down. They actually went so far as to make copies and walking around with clip boards, only no one saw anyone sign. Still the petition made its way to Figgins desk with roughly three-forth of the students’ signatures.
He half expected his friendship with Azimo to start again with complaints about their losing the slushie machine. Instead he got clipped in the shoulder and an angry glare. If he can lose Azimo over a slushie than what’s the point of trying to salvage their friendship?
For the first time he seriously thought about coming out, what that would mean, who he would lose.
He’d already lost his best friend, over a frozen drink turned torture device. He found himself watching his father, mother, brother and wondering how much time he had left with them. How quickly would they turn against him? He had to wonder about the glimmer of hope that they would accept him when everything he’d seen from them over the last few months proved to him that they wouldn’t. When he couldn’t take it anymore he’d take out the card, the childish valentine, and wonder about a cousin who would’ve accepted him, who would’ve guided him, who would’ve loved him no matter what…
a cousin who would’ve been disappointed in him when he realized just how and why Dave had bullied one of his classmates.
It’s the disappointment that killed him. The disappointment he’ll never have, but knew would’ve been there.
It’s when the stray thought that he doesn’t deserve a second chance crashed over him on a particularly grueling day, one when the pretending, the charade of being what his family expected him to be got to be too much, that Dave realized that if he was going to have a second chance he had to be the one to make it happen. He had to act.
Ben Jacob Israel and his need for gossip seemed like the perfect out. His easily intimidated nature only helped. Before he can second guess himself Dave has Israel agreeing to make a video of all the times he’s messed with Kurt, one that will only stay up a few days, just enough time for it to circulate through the student body…just enough time that no one would let him near Kurt again. He barely even has to look at Israel, just ask and it’s pretty much done.
Somehow it wasn’t until he’s sat down with Israel to see the final product, that the gossip-hound finally caught on. He should’ve known by the look Israel gave him.
“What?”
Israel swallowed hard before he pointed out, “A lot of this video could be taken as sexual harassment, not just bullying.”
“So.”
“You’re going to beat me up because I’m not going to be able to keep quiet that you’re totally gay for Hummel.”
“I’m just gay.”
Three words. First time he’d said it and it was scary, but it was there, said, finally.
Israel’s mouth opened then closed, silent for a moment, but only for a moment, “You’ll be bottom of the food-chain. They’ll be tossing you in dumpsters like they did Puck last year!”
He’d stayed long enough to make sure Israel’s gonna do what they’d agreed on and then he waited on the fallout.
He figured lines would be drawn quickly. He hadn’t counted on Berry walking up to him first thing the morning after screaming and swinging. He hunched over. She glared, huffed and punched him. He never even got to tell her ‘go ahead, I deserve it’ before Zizes pulled her off him.
He had thought some of the teachers would see, but he realized this wasn’t the case when he and Rachel are called into Figgins office and the lie that he fell and Rachel accidently gave him a black eye are accepted.
The most surprising reaction to him is Puck. All he got was a glare and a, “So you’re an asshole?”
“Basically.”
“Hurt him again and I break you.
Dave nodded as he forced down the urge to rise to the challenge in Puck’s face and voice. Instead he took a breath and started to tell him, “Look, I’m sorry that I…”
“Wasn’t just you,” Puck cut him off, “And I finally met Lauren so we’re all good.”
They are, all good after that, even though Dave thought it should be more work. Puck actually is the one who dragged Hudson away when Finn finally figured it out. Puck caught Finn and told him he was a bit late to that party, now isn’t the time to beat up Dave.
“Kurt’s my brother,” Finn growled, “And he…he…”
“Fucked up,” Puck supplied, “You had your chance to do something about it and you chose to sit it out.”
Evans stood awkwardly nearby, looking for all the world as though he wanted to join in. Dave wasn’t able to wonder why for long because Rachel stepped in and calmed Finn, pointing out she should’ve gotten in trouble and hadn’t.
It’s not exactly forgiveness from her, but it feels like a start.
Sam doesn’t back down when Azimo clipped him on the shoulder and with a glare told him, “Wrong choice man.”
All Dave can do is stand there, stunned. He’d tried to prepare, told himself he’d lose his best friend, but he hadn’t been prepared for the devastation that would wash over him.
If losing his best friend felt this badly, how was it going to feel to lose his family?
Evan’s voice pulled him from his contemplation, “No one would chose to be something that would immediately make them hated and feared by the ignorant majority of this callous and intolerant world.”
Azimo stopped, “What?”
Sam just glared as Dave felt the edge of pain begin to bleed off.
“What was that?” Azimo demanded.
“Northstar. Alpha Flight, volume two issue eight,” Sam answered.
“Geek,” Azimo grumbled before he walked away.
He thanked Sam, prodded and with the right questions actually got an entire spiel about gay comic book characters. It was interesting. He hadn’t even known transgendered bisexual characters existed during the eighties. Asking Sam questions that led to geeky answers somehow led to the rest of Glee club rallying around him and pushing off some of the worst of the harassment that was immediately being hurled his way. He managed to salvage an odd friendship with Artie and was surprised by how accepting the young man could be on some accounts, but completely bigoted on others. He was surprised by how much Mike knew if he felt comfortable enough to open up. Mercedes still won’t talk to him, but she’s progressed slowly from glares to occasional smiles. For Dave it almost feels like he’s found friends, that he almost fits in with their self proclaimed rag-tag group of misfits.
It took Dave two weeks from his epiphany in front of the slushie machine to completely change his life. It took him three weeks of having a card in his pocket to finally be sitting on a bench, two rows away from a grave he hasn’t visited before. Dave sat there numb and eyed where he knew the grave was, unable to make himself move.
The last thing he expected was to look up and see Kurt completely paused just staring at him. Dave stared back down at the card, forced himself to just look away because that way Kurt could just leave and…maybe he should leave?
“What the hell are you doing here?”
Dave looked up at the demanding voice, looked past Kurt and was honest, “Working up the nerve to visit my cousin.”
Kurt looked to where Dave’s gaze had traveled past him and then looked back. Their eyes met and Dave forced himself to look away. He’d thought he’d never see Kurt again, he hadn’t counted on running into him. How had he run into him in the middle of the cemetery?
Wait, had he just asked?
“I was visiting my mother.”
Dave nodded. He glanced over when Kurt dropped onto the bench beside him. He tilted his head as Kurt lifted his chin defiantly and told him, “I’m not scared of you anymore.”
“Good,” Dave smiled. It was good to see a hint of the old Kurt back, it was good to see that maybe he hadn’t damaged Kurt into always looking that terrified.
“Wes and David made me take Kung Fu with them,” Kurt continued.
“Going to kick my ass now?” Dave teased before he could stop himself.
“Took down the captain of the football team yesterday,” Kurt told him.
Dave nodded, “Good.”
They sat in silence for a moment.
“Rachel told me what you did, Mercedes too,” Kurt said, “I couldn’t watch the video.”
“It wasn’t easy to see,” Dave admitted, “And I’m really sorry for what I did to you. I don’t really have an excuse. I was an asshole.”
He expected Kurt to walk away, perhaps make a scathing comment first, especially as the silence between them stretched out.
“I don’t think I’m ready to forgive you,” Kurt finally told him.
“I wasn’t sure I was allowed to apologize,” Dave replied, “but this will probably be my only chance so…”
“What made you…”
Dave glanced over, watched Kurt studying him and felt stupid and small. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the valentine, handing it over.
“A little kid?”
Dave wet his lips, “I had this cousin. I kinda hero-worshiped him. He was older than me, grew up, got married and adopted. They came to some family functions, but it was always seemed awkward with my parents. Then Jake was diagnosed with cancer. My Dad said he was getting what he deserved. I had to sneak, just to go see him. Then he died and we didn’t even go to the funeral.”
He glanced over again, unprepared for the sympathy on Kurt’s face. Dave stared down at his hands, felt he didn’t deserve understanding.
“That’s why your grades were slipping?”
Dave barked out a laugh, “My grades were slipping because I’d finally realize that if I accepted who I was I was going to lose my family. He was gay and so am I.”
Dave took a breath to steady him, told himself it would get easier to say over time. He stared down at his hands, “And I was stupid. Gave up the only sport I loved to go play fucking football.”
“So why football, if you hate it so much?”
Dave shrugged, “Make my dad happy? For some reason it scared my mom less than hockey. Azimo thought it’d make us hugely popular and…”
“And?” Kurt prompted after a moment.
“Teenage hormones make you do stupid shit?” Dave admitted as he glanced over.
Kurt glared and looked unimpressed, “Explanation any time would be appreciated.”
“I thought you’d be a cheerleader again,” Dave grumbled, staring at the grass, not daring to look up, feeling stupid.
“Wh-What?”
Dave stared at his hands, heard the hesitation in Kurt’s voice and wasn’t sure the truth wouldn’t continue to do more damage, “Do you really want me to tell you?”
The silence stretched again and Kurt broke it with a sigh, “You actually had a crush on me?”
Dave nodded.
“I thought it was because I was the only out gay kid,” the frown in Kurt’s voice is clear from his tone.
Dave took a breath, worked up the nerve to look at Kurt as he attempted to tease gently, “Come on, you have to know how hot you were in that Cherrio’s uniform?”
Kurt’s lips quirked, just slightly, into an almost smile and Dave couldn’t help but think that this looked better than any terrified look he’d managed to put on Kurt’s face before. Why hadn’t he figured that out before he’d caused so much damage? Why hadn’t he been strong? Why had he let fear rule him? Why had he let himself easily slip into the hierarchy at McKinley High?
“I don’t know how you did it,” Dave managed, an almost answer to his own questions, “I can’t believe half of the hate that is coming my way and the only thing getting me through, is I know I probably won’t be attending for much longer.”
Kurt’s face turned serious, “What are you saying?”
“What?”
“If you’re not going to be at school, where are you going to be?” Kurt explained carefully with a hint of the old ‘I’m so much smarter than you are, you Neanderthal’ coming through in his tone. This used to set Dave off, bring anger boiling up inside of him, but now the tone is almost a comfort, proof that Kurt is coming back to being the confident boy he’d pushed away.
“Will probably go be a Westvale Wizard after my family kicks me out,” he explained.
“Their kicking you out?”
“Probably,” he managed, took a breath and continued, “I’m telling them this weekend. Jake’s husband, Blair said that I can come stay with him. He can use the help with Em and I can transfer to Westvale. It won’t be too awful. He said if he can get me on his insurance I can go see a counselor, try and deal with my anger management and self hating issues. Westvale has a good hockey team, I can try out next year. Kinda always wanted to see if I was any good at some of the track and field stuff so…”
He ended with a shrug.
“Just don’t join Aural Intensity,” Kurt advised.
Dave gave Kurt a questioning look.
“Coach Sylvester is in charge.”
Dave grimaced, “How did you put up with that amount of craziness? I mean Coach Beiste wasn’t easy, but at least what she made sense and if it didn’t she’d let us ask and take the time to explain. Sylvester seems, she seems kinda crazy.”
Kurt shrugged, “I don’t know, just did. Thankfully she liked me and I managed to take some of the things she said with a grain of salt.”
Dave nodded. They lapsed into silence. Dave took a breath and told him, “I’m sorry about your wedding figurines. I should pay you for them. I kinda threw them away when I realized how creepy that was. And…crap, they were sentimental weren’t they and I just majorly screwed up again, didn’t I? How much do you hate me now? I sh…”
“Stop,” Kurt told him.
Dave forced himself to meet Kurt’s eyes, gave him an apologetic look.
“It was ten dollar at Pat Catan’s and I bought it for inspiration. It wasn’t the actual cake topper I was planning on using,” Kurt said, stating facts.
Dave pulled out his wallet and handed Kurt a twenty. Kurt frowned at it.
“All I’ve got,” Dave told him.
“It is not,” Kurt protested, “I know I saw a ten in there.”
“I probably owe you way more than twenty with the things that I probably broke shoving you against lockers and the clothes I destroyed throwing you in dumpsters. I know I owe you way more than twenty.”
Kurt frowned, looked from him to the offered money, then back to his face, before he closed his hands around the money and put it in his wallet.
Dave nodded, surprised at how much he’d been allowed to apologize for. It gave him the strength to continue, “I screwed up in the locker room. I shou…I…shit.”
Dave looked away from Kurt, closed his eyes and admitted, “That was probably the most screwed up first kiss ever.”
“It was your first kiss?”
“Brittany tried to kiss me once, but I had to close my eyes and pretend she was a boy just to go through with it,” he admitted.
Kurt tilted his head and frowned.
“You actually dated her. How did you do that?”
Kurt shrugged, “That part of that whole screwed up process wasn’t bad. She taught me how to kiss and it was nice to cuddle.”
“Maybe I’m really fucked up.”
“What?” Kurt asked crossing his arms.
“I can’t even look at a girl like that,” Dave managed, “Every time one of the other guys starts going on about girls, if there’s a half naked picture my stomach just rolls and it just feels so wrong.”
“Maybe you’re more gay than I am,” Kurt teased.
Dave’s head snapped around. He took in the mocking look on Kurt’s face and for the first time managed to laugh at a fact about himself that made him uncomfortable.
“I don’t have to start dressing like you do I?” he teased back, pleased, comfortable in a way he hasn’t felt since he started realizing just who he was romantically inclined to be attracted to.
“Not everyone can pull of my outfits,” Kurt smiled, “Besides you should be yourself.”
“I’m still figuring that out.”
Kurt held out the Valentine, “Maybe you should start by talking to your cousin.”
Dave nodded, “Thanks.”
Kurt started to get up, then paused and turned. He regarded Dave before he admitted, voice haunted, “I can’t get that kiss out of my head.”
“I can’t forget the look on your face,” Dave told him, voice cracking. He wiped at the tears that suddenly came to his eyes, “I kept trying to replace it, as if making you hate me more would somehow get rid of it, but it just made it worse and…”
“Yeah, it did.”
Dave nodded.
“I don’t want to remember it anymore.”
“I don’t either.”
Kurt hesitated, frowned.
“You wanna hit me?”
“What’s that going to do?” Kurt asked with a roll of his eyes.
“Seemed to make Berry feel better,” Dave told him, “And Hudson keeps wanting to.”
A part of him wanted to tell Kurt what an idiot Hudson was, but the two were brothers now and he didn’t want to need to apologize to Kurt about something new.
“Wh-What if…”
Dave waited when Kurt trailed off.
“What if we replace it?” Kurt suggested.
“Replace it?” Dave asked, “As in try kissing again?”
Kurt frowned, tilted his head, then nodded.
“I,” Dave started and stopped, “I don’t deserve that.”
“Maybe it’s about me.”
“I’d like to be able to remember something different,” Dave managed, hesitantly. He wanted to smile at Kurt, wanted to be encouraging, but wanted to say that by wanting to do that he was asking too much at the same time. Would it be wrong to kiss again after all that had happened between them? It didn’t matter if it was wrong, Dave decided. Kurt might not be ready to forgive him, but if he wanted a kiss then Dave would give him one. Maybe one day Kurt would forgive him and maybe one day Dave hoped he’d be able to forgive himself.
Kurt dropped his bag on to the bench, moved to stand in front of him. He looked Dave over then frowned, “I don’t want to crawl all over you, but I don’t want to be trapped in your legs either.”
“You can kick my ass now,” Dave reminded.
Kurt smiled slightly, then told him, “Just don’t touch me okay.”
Dave pulled his hands up, showed them to Kurt then gripped the bottom of the bench tightly, “Your show, whatever you want.”
Kurt nodded, tilted his head and contemplated. Dave stilled and forced himself to remain quiet. He’d meant what he said, this was up to Kurt. He pushed down the part of him that told him he didn’t deserve this, the part of him that told him this was stupid, the part of him that wanted to push Kurt away with a mocking threat. He wasn’t going to be that hateful guy anymore, Dave reminded himself. He couldn’t go on being that guy anymore.
Kurt leaned in, gave a frustrated grumble, then crawled into Dave’s lap, placing his knees around Dave’s hips so that he was looking down at Dave. Dave glanced up, met Kurt’s eyes, saw the determination mixed with anxiety there.
“I’m sorry,” he said, unable to help himself.
“I know,” Kurt told him, “Just don’t move your hands.”
“Won’t, promise.”
Kurt nodded, closed the distance between them and brushed their lips over each other. This was so much better than before, not rushed, not full of fear and desperation, just anticipation. Dave opened slowly as Kurt kissed down into his mouth, soft hands cupping his face. He always read that kissing left tongues dueling in this fight for dominance, but this was a careful slide that moved into…dancing, their tongues were dancing and his grip on the benched tightened. He wasn’t going to touch Kurt, no matter how much he wanted to, he’d promised. Who knew kissing could be this sweet, this torturous and yet make his whole body hum with longing?
Dave whimpered, wanting more and knowing that he ruined any chance he had of asking.
Kurt pulled away. They stared, blinking at one another.
“Thank you,” Dave said when he found his voice again.
Kurt nodded, stood, straightened himself out and grabbed his bag as Dave let out a long breath and ran a hand through his hair.
“That was definitely better,” Kurt told him.
“Yeah,” Dave agreed, “Gonna try to remember that instead.”
“Me too. Now, go visit your cousin. He might not be going anywhere, but you can’t sit around here all day.”
Dave watched as Kurt walked away. Had that actually just happened? Had they managed to reach an understanding? Had he actually been able to apologize? It wasn’t forgiveness, they wouldn’t be friends, but it was a start.
Dave shook himself, pulled out his card and made his way over to his cousin’s grave. He hunkered down, took a breath and let out everything he’d been holding in for the last few years, the things he should’ve said, the things he wished he’d said and the fears that had kept him stagnant. It felt good to let go, it gave him the strength to move forward with his plans for the weekend. It gave him strength when he found himself throwing his belongings into his truck and driving to Westvale after talking with his family.
It was what he turned to as the he sat with his cousin through marriage that he tended to think of as an uncle in the principal’s office at what would become his new school. Did he have the strength to start over? Could he be a better person? Was he a better person? How bad was this school? Was it worse or better than McKinley? How much about him did the student body know? How badly would they tease? Did he have the strength to be himself, to stand tall and say ‘this is who I am’?
He tried to ignore the occasional buzz his phone made as they worked through the process of transferring him.
“Why don’t you see who’s trying to get a hold of you?” the principal suggested, “Just remember to turn off your phone while in class.”
Dave nodded, grabbed his phone and stepped into the hallway. He frowned at the number of calls he had. Why had Berry called him? Or Sam? Or Puck?
He stared at a text from Azimo: Please tell me I don’t have to come pull you out of a dumpster.
Then Brittany: Sam thinks you’re dead, please say you aren’t so we don’t have to cry.
Then Artie: Dude, you okay?
When he’d exchanged numbers with Mercedes he’d never thought she’d use it, she’d sent him: You alive?
Dave shook his head, feeling the fear of starting over begin to ebb away. Then he took in the last text, one from a number he didn’t recognize. He smiled and nodded. Kurt had one word for him: Courage.