sounds like a philosophical problem to me
Here's the problem... only in a nutshell and simplified about a dozen times over.
I'm feeling sort of existentialist, sort of like... what is the point exactly? I am finding myself questioning the value of both past and future and if there is only the now, then what is the point of that exactly? why live the now if there is only that? why worry about what was and how it was and was was was was is over. Why ponder it? Why bother with what has made the now what it is, it just is... and the future, why concern ourselves with what is to come. It'll come. It'll be along no matter what we do, and I suppose I can't say that the now doesn't affect the future but why bother with it when it is an intangible.
Intangibles... that's a key point in my life right now. That's something that I can't grasp but my not grasping it makes it wholey real and perhaps too tangible to deal with.
So why go to the gym? Why drink a billion bottles of water a day? Why wash my face and try to be prettier? What is the point? Its all work towards an intangible future where I will be better looking, healthier, happier(?), and etc.
And here I am thinking of a scene in the beginning of I Heart Huckabees:
The introduction of Tommy, played by Mark Walberg. He's talking about how nothing matters. And he's conflicted because up until this point in his life he has believed that EVERYTHING matters and has given up using any kind of petroleum product, or is trying, because he believes in things like... saving the world from pollution and oil driven wars... but now he's found this new idea... that nothing matters, and if nothing matters, then he may as well toss his bike aside and buy a fucking hummer, right? Right. But he isn't sure and he's on this line between caring and not caring and it is tearing him apart.
That's how I feel.
I can see the validity of too many things and cannot seem to adhere my life to any set of ideas.
I think this is part of being at the age I'm at... but also I'm not sure. Everyone I know seems to have similar conflicts in their lives. Like why they aren't happy when they should for all intents and purposes be happy. I am not happy but I don't have a list of things that I SHOULD be happy about. Instead, I have a list of things I am confused about. Things I'm scared of. Things I need a lot more free time to contemplate.
I've spent too many years dulling my brain with liquor and it seems that perhaps I missed something. Like other people seem to have things at least figured out enough to have things in their life. Instead, I am free floating here with no one and nothing to anchor me to an idea even... just an idea. It just seems like everyone else at least knows the truth about at least one thing... like they know something to be true in their world, they know it enough that no one could convinse them otherwise...
I feel a bit like if you had a good enough reason, I'd believe you when you said that the sky is pink and, in fact, pink casts no shadow.
You may have something there. The SKY doesn't really cast a shadow, does it... and even if the sky IS blue... perhaps BLUE casts no shadow...
Today I was driving home from work and I went out of my way to the west side to Safeway and to give someone a ride home. Later though, I was driving down 26th and I said to myself "I bet you can't drink that ENTIRE bottle of water before you get to the house."
And I took my bet on, drank the whole bottle of water... but had to slow down a little around the corner onto my street.... Then I felt full of water and unaccomplished entirely.
Is that important? You're thinking "why is she telling us such a silly little story about betting herself about drinking water?" But that's the thing... I don't know if its important. It could be. You, reader, could be reading this two weeks from the moment I wrote it and I will have forgotten all about the bottle of water... but maybe it'll be important to you. Because it will be the now for you but the past for me? Its already the past for me, but not entirely because now it is the now because I'm writing about it and therefore making that part of the now.
Its not high thought philosophy I'm dealing with here. Its just a sort of loss of personal philosophy. If only there was a book out there called "Lexi's personal beliefs and philosophies for dummies." I would snatch it up, devour it several times and then probably be sorely disappointed and tragically crushed by my discoveries... but in the fantasy I will say that it will complete my existence and allow me to move on to believing and practicing and being content or even, gasp, happy.
the end.
I'm feeling sort of existentialist, sort of like... what is the point exactly? I am finding myself questioning the value of both past and future and if there is only the now, then what is the point of that exactly? why live the now if there is only that? why worry about what was and how it was and was was was was is over. Why ponder it? Why bother with what has made the now what it is, it just is... and the future, why concern ourselves with what is to come. It'll come. It'll be along no matter what we do, and I suppose I can't say that the now doesn't affect the future but why bother with it when it is an intangible.
Intangibles... that's a key point in my life right now. That's something that I can't grasp but my not grasping it makes it wholey real and perhaps too tangible to deal with.
So why go to the gym? Why drink a billion bottles of water a day? Why wash my face and try to be prettier? What is the point? Its all work towards an intangible future where I will be better looking, healthier, happier(?), and etc.
And here I am thinking of a scene in the beginning of I Heart Huckabees:
The introduction of Tommy, played by Mark Walberg. He's talking about how nothing matters. And he's conflicted because up until this point in his life he has believed that EVERYTHING matters and has given up using any kind of petroleum product, or is trying, because he believes in things like... saving the world from pollution and oil driven wars... but now he's found this new idea... that nothing matters, and if nothing matters, then he may as well toss his bike aside and buy a fucking hummer, right? Right. But he isn't sure and he's on this line between caring and not caring and it is tearing him apart.
That's how I feel.
I can see the validity of too many things and cannot seem to adhere my life to any set of ideas.
I think this is part of being at the age I'm at... but also I'm not sure. Everyone I know seems to have similar conflicts in their lives. Like why they aren't happy when they should for all intents and purposes be happy. I am not happy but I don't have a list of things that I SHOULD be happy about. Instead, I have a list of things I am confused about. Things I'm scared of. Things I need a lot more free time to contemplate.
I've spent too many years dulling my brain with liquor and it seems that perhaps I missed something. Like other people seem to have things at least figured out enough to have things in their life. Instead, I am free floating here with no one and nothing to anchor me to an idea even... just an idea. It just seems like everyone else at least knows the truth about at least one thing... like they know something to be true in their world, they know it enough that no one could convinse them otherwise...
I feel a bit like if you had a good enough reason, I'd believe you when you said that the sky is pink and, in fact, pink casts no shadow.
You may have something there. The SKY doesn't really cast a shadow, does it... and even if the sky IS blue... perhaps BLUE casts no shadow...
Today I was driving home from work and I went out of my way to the west side to Safeway and to give someone a ride home. Later though, I was driving down 26th and I said to myself "I bet you can't drink that ENTIRE bottle of water before you get to the house."
And I took my bet on, drank the whole bottle of water... but had to slow down a little around the corner onto my street.... Then I felt full of water and unaccomplished entirely.
Is that important? You're thinking "why is she telling us such a silly little story about betting herself about drinking water?" But that's the thing... I don't know if its important. It could be. You, reader, could be reading this two weeks from the moment I wrote it and I will have forgotten all about the bottle of water... but maybe it'll be important to you. Because it will be the now for you but the past for me? Its already the past for me, but not entirely because now it is the now because I'm writing about it and therefore making that part of the now.
Its not high thought philosophy I'm dealing with here. Its just a sort of loss of personal philosophy. If only there was a book out there called "Lexi's personal beliefs and philosophies for dummies." I would snatch it up, devour it several times and then probably be sorely disappointed and tragically crushed by my discoveries... but in the fantasy I will say that it will complete my existence and allow me to move on to believing and practicing and being content or even, gasp, happy.
the end.