"displaced they're easily more safe"
I am such a dork. I had nothing to do tonight, so I went to rent some movies and go to Borders. That place has changed completely since I worked there 3 years ago and I had to go all the way to the back of store to find fiction and drama. I was standing reading the nunnery scene in a copy of Hamlet that had the original and a modern english version side by side, when I heard a voice say, "Uh... David H. to the registers. David H. to the registers." He sounded familiar, but I couldn't place the voice and subsequently assumed it belonged to someone new. It always feels weird for me to go back to this Borders, because I was (and still am) pretty shy and most of the co-workers I was closest to have left. But I see Jim there all the time. Tonight I saw Tim in the parking lot looking over in my direction as I parked and found Pete standing with his back to me up in the Prep Books. Thank God, he didn't turn around. If I've ever really disliked anyone, it would be Pete. And that's because he was always an ass to me for absolutely no reason. Just seeing him there, I remembered why I don't really want to go back to Borders. So I walked back down to stand in line where I saw Johnny. Johnny, who moved with his girlfriend to LA over 3 years ago. And, I'm a dork, I know, but my stomach was in my throat. So while I waited, I thought, "Why is he back? Maybe he's no longer with his girlfriend.... He looks the same but with even longer shaggy hair... He may not remember me." Johnny was always a sweetheart. I always had a crush on him, but I also knew he was taken. He was my music buddy, always chatting about Old 97's and The Smiths. He introduced me to OK Go, even gave me the copy of their first album with one of the band member's phone number on it, which I think I've subsequently lost, not that I'd ever use the number;) Anyway as he called for the next customer, I was bracing myself for not being recognized. But I smiled at him as he looked up and I saw the blank look that lasted only a moment before recognition flashed across his face.
"I remember you!"
"Hey Johnny. How've you been?"
"Good and you?"
"Good thanks. I was in LA for a few years and just came home for awhile."
"How did you like living in LA? That must have been cool."
"Yeah, it had its good points and its bad points..."
"Right."
"It was nice that I could walk to work."
"Yeah, you need to drive a mile and it'll take you 20 minutes."
"Exactly, it's horrendous..."
At which point the door alarm sounded so he had to go demagnetize. Stomach continued to climb higher.
"So what brings you to Borders this evening?"
"I had a coupon, so I thought I'd buy a book."
"I've heard this is really good. It was on a staff recommendation list awhile ago."
"Yeah, a friend recommended it to me."
I handed over my card at this point and he's telling me about how it's good to be back and that he'd been working at Borders in LA and all I could think about was how my hands were shaking a bit and that at least I'm not stuttering. I think that was the trade off. I got through a conversation with a cute guy without stumbling, but the nervousness had to manifest itself somewhere else. And when I went to sign, the hand shaking had to be noticeable. Oh, well. He may not have seen it and even if he did, eh. I'm past the point of caring. He smiled at me as he handed me the book and looked at me unflinchingly, as he always had. So I told him, "It was good to see you."
"You too. Have a good night."
"Thanks, you too." I said it as I walked away and I looked back to see him looking at me. It was one of those moments where I felt a little naked, but at the same time, I wasn't upset about it. I don't know why I feel like I'm so transparent... I don't know why seeing him again got such a reaction from me. Yes, I was surprised he was home, but nausea and shaking hands?
"I remember you!"
"Hey Johnny. How've you been?"
"Good and you?"
"Good thanks. I was in LA for a few years and just came home for awhile."
"How did you like living in LA? That must have been cool."
"Yeah, it had its good points and its bad points..."
"Right."
"It was nice that I could walk to work."
"Yeah, you need to drive a mile and it'll take you 20 minutes."
"Exactly, it's horrendous..."
At which point the door alarm sounded so he had to go demagnetize. Stomach continued to climb higher.
"So what brings you to Borders this evening?"
"I had a coupon, so I thought I'd buy a book."
"I've heard this is really good. It was on a staff recommendation list awhile ago."
"Yeah, a friend recommended it to me."
I handed over my card at this point and he's telling me about how it's good to be back and that he'd been working at Borders in LA and all I could think about was how my hands were shaking a bit and that at least I'm not stuttering. I think that was the trade off. I got through a conversation with a cute guy without stumbling, but the nervousness had to manifest itself somewhere else. And when I went to sign, the hand shaking had to be noticeable. Oh, well. He may not have seen it and even if he did, eh. I'm past the point of caring. He smiled at me as he handed me the book and looked at me unflinchingly, as he always had. So I told him, "It was good to see you."
"You too. Have a good night."
"Thanks, you too." I said it as I walked away and I looked back to see him looking at me. It was one of those moments where I felt a little naked, but at the same time, I wasn't upset about it. I don't know why I feel like I'm so transparent... I don't know why seeing him again got such a reaction from me. Yes, I was surprised he was home, but nausea and shaking hands?