"close your eyes and cover your ears, for the end is near but the beginning is here..."
Today has been the most crap day I've had in awhile. I can't shake these feelings of loneliness and alienation and anxiety... Graduation is almost a month to the day and I'm a little freaked out. I bought my cap and gown. Scary shit... My car was smoking and leaking radiator fluid as I arrived to work and I've generally felt like crying all day.
Of course, the whole career thing is scaring me the most. Having a degree should bring some advantage in the career world, but it doesn't feel like it will. At least not for me, as an English major. As such a wandering and indecisive soul, how was I to be expected to know at 18 what direction my life should have? I love literature and I can't imagine another major for myself, but it isn't exactly directly applicable in the world. Thankfully, I have gained some focus on the areas that I am passionate about... finding employment in those areas is another matter altogether. I'm seriously interested in perhaps working in a study abroad office and eventually working as a program coordinator in London. But even an entry level job at an international office seems pretty scarce. I'm also going to send my resume to STA Travel; they process all resumes at the Los Angeles Headquarters, so I don't know that they are hiring in St. Louis and I was hoping to stick around until I have my loans paid off. You know, venture out into the world with a (relatively) clean slate.
I feel a lot of pressure about this, particularly from my sister Sue. Peter, Pat and Sean all studied Computer Science and do IT work at Anheiseur Busch and then there's Joe, who graduated from SLU with political science/philosophy degree and has done every job from chef to fisherman in Alaska to director of photography on a tv show. My brothers all found there niche fairly quickly. But except for Teresa, my oldest sister, the rest of my sisters, took years to get a real job. Beth is now a real estate agent, Colleen, ever the volunteer, still moves from position to position for little money, Kelley is now a special ed teacher, Sue is a stay at home mom who has now become Beth's assistant, and Ann has gone back to school to get a Nursing degree. And now the baby is graduating and what is she going to do with her life? Part of me is grateful for Sue pushing me; Mom doesn't push and Dad would have if he were still here. Most of my life, that aspect has been absent. But I just feel overwhelmed by the prospect or seemingly lack thereof.
I can't think about this anymore... my head might explode.
Of course, the whole career thing is scaring me the most. Having a degree should bring some advantage in the career world, but it doesn't feel like it will. At least not for me, as an English major. As such a wandering and indecisive soul, how was I to be expected to know at 18 what direction my life should have? I love literature and I can't imagine another major for myself, but it isn't exactly directly applicable in the world. Thankfully, I have gained some focus on the areas that I am passionate about... finding employment in those areas is another matter altogether. I'm seriously interested in perhaps working in a study abroad office and eventually working as a program coordinator in London. But even an entry level job at an international office seems pretty scarce. I'm also going to send my resume to STA Travel; they process all resumes at the Los Angeles Headquarters, so I don't know that they are hiring in St. Louis and I was hoping to stick around until I have my loans paid off. You know, venture out into the world with a (relatively) clean slate.
I feel a lot of pressure about this, particularly from my sister Sue. Peter, Pat and Sean all studied Computer Science and do IT work at Anheiseur Busch and then there's Joe, who graduated from SLU with political science/philosophy degree and has done every job from chef to fisherman in Alaska to director of photography on a tv show. My brothers all found there niche fairly quickly. But except for Teresa, my oldest sister, the rest of my sisters, took years to get a real job. Beth is now a real estate agent, Colleen, ever the volunteer, still moves from position to position for little money, Kelley is now a special ed teacher, Sue is a stay at home mom who has now become Beth's assistant, and Ann has gone back to school to get a Nursing degree. And now the baby is graduating and what is she going to do with her life? Part of me is grateful for Sue pushing me; Mom doesn't push and Dad would have if he were still here. Most of my life, that aspect has been absent. But I just feel overwhelmed by the prospect or seemingly lack thereof.
I can't think about this anymore... my head might explode.