Today we should have been in the house. I give you a rant instead.
My Friday good mood basically took a nose dive into the basement on Saturday. I was going to go see 'Inception' and 'Salt', but I couldn't work up the energy to take a shower, and I was in one of those moods were the stupidest things tick me off.
J was bugging me Friday to get a couple credit cards to improve my credit score and co-sign on the loan. I told her I wasn't comfortable doing it. I pay all my bills on time, and I can't remember the last time I had an overdraft on my checking account. J tells me all that doesn't count. She wonders why I'm hesitant? She opened a new checking account and got all the paperwork done for the automatic withdrawal on her current mortgage payment. Four months later and the mortgage company is *still* trying to withdraw it from her old account. Then she has to go round and round with the mortgage company because they charge her a late fee. Every month she's assured 'it's fixed'. Don't deal with Bank of America, people, they suck and that's putting it very politely.
Then there's the mail order clothing company that was bought out by someone else. She's been trying to pay that off, but no one can give her a straight answer. Now it's sitting on her credit report. Not because of anything she did, but because the company can't get their act together.
I'm not interesting in in playing the credit card companies' 'we made a mistake, but we'll blame it on you' and the 'let see how bad we can screw you' game. No thank you. Not interested. Not my problem if the debt card doesn't count. It works for me just fine.
Then J says, "Well, what if something happens to me? How are you going to pay the mortgage?" She seems to have conveniently forgot that we talked about taking out life insurance, or working it into the mortgage that the house would be paid off if something happened to one of us. She sidestepped the subject and went back to harping on the credit cards.
It's starting to sound an awful lot like the conversations I had with my last roommate. He insisted that the air conditioning would be working by the time it got hot. His brother-in-law who owned the house owned a heating and air conditioning business too. There was no cross ventilation possible because the windows at the front of the building were plate glass. When the place started to fall apart and his own sister and brother-in-law wouldn't do anything about it, he moved out--giving me a whole two weeks notice. So I was stuck in an apartment I couldn't afford and it wasn't in any shape that anyone would want to share the rent. There is so much more crap to that story than I don't have the patience to type it.
I can deal with change, but I hate uncertainty. This thing is driving me right up the wall. Perhaps a better comparison would be circling the drain. I can feel myself spiraling down into depression after having done so well for four years. It's been hard enough dealing with Dad's passing, but with the problems concerning the house--and what's going on with J's present house--problems with that and other things which I haven't gone into here at all--is the reason she's in a hurry to move out. Lately, I'm beginning to feel like she only asked me because she knew she could lure me in as an influx of certain cash for herself if she said all the right things.
I basically am in denial mode right now. I slept most of Saturday and Sunday away, didn't go near the computer, wasn't up to reading, and nothing on tv held my interest. I went through today in slow motion at work and was relieved that J had the day off. I hate where my life is right now, Ever since I came back from vacation to find the second loan had fallen through, I've been taking it day by day. Thinking how easy it would be to walk 200 feet down to the liquor store and getting a big f'ing bottle of wine. All getting hammered would do is deaden the pain for a couple hours, I'd be twice as cranky the next day, and it would screw with my meds.
I'm going to quit worrying about it and tell J there are certain conditions that need to be met if I'm going to move in. End of story. There's nothing to be done until December anyway.
My main grasp on sanity is knowing I'll be going to San Francisco in less than three months for Bascon, because every cent I spend on that trip is worth it. It makes me feel better just rereading that last sentence and getting everything under the cut out of my head.