Life is awesome!!!!!! :) :):):)
Well first off, I would like to say thanks to the people that commented on my last post. It is good to know that I'm not alone in the world. But it is not really the answer that I was looking for. I feel like my mind is unraveling and pieces of it our just drifting off in the distance, and people not just on LJ, people in my life are just like, don't worry, it is completely natural, everybody feels that way. Ya but the pieces are.... hush, completely natural. I don't know if it is because I have never truly lived alone before and this is just what happens about six months into living by yourself. Or if I'm just going through an early mid life chirsis because I didn't go to college and that speeds along things like that. Remember Saturday morning cartoons when you were a kid? Me and my brother used to wake up early to watch them. Except when he would wake up first, he wouldn't wake me up. So sometimes I would wake up late and miss them and feel like I had missed out on life somehow. That I had just missed something that I was supposed to expierence in my life. I know that they were just stupid cartoons, that is not what I'm getting at. It is just anymore. I wake up every morning and I feel that way. I feel like there are things that I'm supposed to be doing, people that I am suppose to know. Maybe people that are just as sad as I am that I am suppose to be friends with, but I missed the path that I was supposed to go down, and now I don't no where these things are. But I can feel them calling out to me. I feel like there are important decisions I have to make in my life, but I have no refference point to make them with. Like, my sister and her husband asked me if I want to go to Disney World with them for an entire week this winter. The cost per person $1000. I'm looking at this going man, this could be just an unbelivable awesome trip. I have never even been to that area of the country. Let alone one of the most famous parks in the world. And I get along really well with everyone who is going on the trip. I think it would be a blast. But then again, 1000 bucks. I could pay off my small credit card, and start taking my first steps into financial stability. And here is the last kicker. I am doing alright at my job, and might atcually move into a place for cheap only 2 miles away from it. So that I could close up my house and try and sell it. But also in about two months. This job will be hireing, that you need to know someone on the inside to get a job there. This is the kind of job that pays like $20/hr and makes you work 70+ hours a week. If I take that job within one year of starting there I could have everything I own paid off, and have my house in a position where I could severely lowball it. Effectivly pushing the reset button on my life. Then, I could either quit and take an easer job without the burden of my current bills. I could work ther for one more year, and have enough money saved up to take two years off of work to try and find out what I want to do. I could work there for two more years and have enough money to pay full tuition to a nice college, and have money left over so that I would only have to have a part time job while I was going to college. But then again all of these options have pit falls. Like, what am I going to college for? I have no idea what I want to do with my life, and do I risk the next 7 yrs of my life hoping that I will figure out on the way? I don't think taking two years off work would be a good idea, since I start to go insane sometimes just during three day weekends. Plus If I took this job, I would have to give up a few of my hobbies that I have worked so hard on. And I definitely wouldn't be able to go on this trip with my sister. And what if none of these options are the right one. You know, I'm not bad at setting a direction in my life and then putting my head down and just destroying everything in my path, but none of these options just seem like they are going to produce the results that I'm looking for. I have all these stroies in my head that I could look for a creative outlet, so that they could finally come out, but I don't think that I want to be a story teller. This is going to sound really dumb, I don't want to tell a beautiful story like the fifth element. About a guy who goes off on this wonderful adventure, and along the way he conquers evil and falls in love. I don't want to tell that story, I want to live that story. I don't just want to sit here doing the equivalent of nothing. But the more I look and try, the more I realize that maybe these things just don't happen in real life. Oh man, my journal has just become a dumping ground for bad thoughts. Yet somehow through all of this I managed to set my mood to optimistic, so I guess that makes it all better.