1 Spade

[beepbeep_meow]

ALRIGHT, I GUESS THE BEST WAY TO GO ABOUT DEALING WITH THIS MOBIUS DOUBLE CLUSTERFUCK OF A SITUATION IS FOR ME TO LIST THE FACTS. OH BOY. AS IF THIS SHIT DIDN'T MAKE ME FEEL BAD ENOUGH, I ACTUALLY HAVE TO WRITE THIS BY HAND. WHO'S FUCKING BRIGHT IDEA WAS IT TO SEND ME SOMEWHERE WITHOUT A COMPUTER? HOW THE HELL AM I EVEN SUPPOSED TO COMMUNICATE

Comments

[recorded]

[blind_bomber]

You're...kind of a piece of work, aren't you?

Re: [recorded]

[beepbeep_meow]

WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?

AND WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?

[recorded] Okay, I'm already in love with your Karkat.

[blind_bomber]

Easy, there, sparky.

The name's Iggy - I'm just another guy like you: got pulled here against my will.

Only with, you know, less rage issues. Apparently.

Hooray! Thanks ;u;

[beepbeep_meow]

SPARKY? WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU GET OFF CALLING ME SPARKY? I HAVE A NAME YOU KNOW, IT'S IT'S MUCH BETTER THAN IGGY. WHAT THE SHIT KIND OF A NAME IS THAT ANYWAYS?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT IT IS. IT IS A STUPID HUMAN NAME. HUMAN'S NEVER HAVE GOOD NAMES. THIS IS A SCIENTIFIC FACT. LOOK IT UP, BULGEPORKER.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN RAGE ISSUES? I DON'T HAVE RAGE ISSUES. I AM CALM AS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMAN CUCUMBER OVER HERE.
APPARENTLY YOU NEED TO RE-EVALUATE YOUR LIFE BECAUSE YOU OBVIOUSLY ARE TERRIBLE AT PERSONALITY ASSESSMENT, HUMAN IGGY. IT'S YOU WHO NEEDS TO STOP FLYING OFF THE HANDLE, OK?

[beepbeep_meow]

OK, WAIT A SECOND. BACK UP, AND PRETEND I'M NOT TROLLING YOU SO HARD THAT YOUR LUSUS IS CRYING FOR LIKE TWO SECONDS AND FUCKING ANSWER ME THIS.

PULLED HERE AGAINST YOUR WILL?

SO IS THIS LIKE A MULTI-UNIVERSAL GAME SESSION? DO PLAYERS GET PULLED FROM EVERYWHERE OR SOMETHING? HERE I WAS THINKING YOU WERE ALL JUST CONSORTS, BUT I GUESS ALL THESE OTHER CHUMPS ARE, LIKE...OTHER PLAYERS THEN?

WHAT'S THE OBJECT? HOW DO I FUCKING WIN THIS SHIT AND GET OUT OF HERE?

[recorded]

[blind_bomber]

I guess that's not a bad way to think about it - but, yeah, people have shown up from all over the place. Worlds I've never even heard of.

And nobody knows how to get out. We've tried a whole bunch of stuff, but none of it seems to have much effect. Far as anyone can tell, the only way to get out of here is either to get put back by whatever put us here in the first place, or die. And that's not exactly a certain thing.

So, anyway - what's this apparently awesome name of yours? Need to call you something.

[beepbeep_meow]

NO, NO. I THINK I'M GETTING THIS. IT IS ALL SORT OF MAKING SENSE IN A WEIRD BACKWARDS AND VERY STUPID WAY. PSH, YOU SAY YOU'VE TRIED A BUNCH, BUT YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY NOT TRYING VERY HARD. THIS IS A GAME. OBVIOUSLY. AND I PLAN TO WIN IT AND GET MY ASS BACK TO SETTING THINGS RIGHT WHERE I WAS. DYING IS FOR CHUMPS, AND I'M NO CHUMP.

AND MY NAME IS KARKAT. KARKAT VANTAS.

I THINK WE CAN BOTH AGREE THAT'S A BETTER NAME THAN "IGGY".

[recorded]

[blind_bomber]

Hey, I beg to differ - I personally think my name's pretty sweet, even if it was chosen by a bunch of creepy scientists.

You're awfully cocky there, aren't you? I'm pretty sure just about everything's been tried, but let me know if you manage to work something out.

I could definitely stand to get out of here.

Sorry for the late response ;o;

[beepbeep_meow]

LISTEN, JERKWAD. AFTER YOU CREATE A UNIVERSE, THERE'S REALLY NOTHING LEFT TO CHALLENGE YOU ANYMORE. IT'S NOT A MATTER OF COCKINESS, IT'S A MATTER OF I-AM-JUST-THAT-FUCKING-GOOD. I WILL CERTAINLY LET YOU KNOW WHEN I FIGURE SOMETHING OUT. I WILL CALL OUT YOUR STUPID HUMAN NAME WHILE I SAIL OFF OVER THE HORIZON AND BRO BULGE BUMP MYSELF FOR DOING SUCH AN AWESOME JOB.

ALSO, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN ABOUT THE SCIENTIST THING? ARE YOU A PARADOX CLONE OR SOME CONVOLUTED SHIT LIKE THAT?

[recorded] No prob! Also, Iggy isn't sure why, but he likes this kid.

[blind_bomber]

I...don't know what a paradox clone is, but I'm pretty sure I'm not one. I'm just your average, everyday, avian-human hybrid - created by a bunch of crazy scientists who thought it was a good idea to mess with kids' DNA.

And how about a question for a question: what do you mean, "after you create a universe"?

I think Karkat could easily bro-hate Iggy. Once he gets past his initial need to loathe.

[beepbeep_meow]

NOT THAT I THINK YOUR THINK PAN CAN COMPREHEND THIS, BUT A PARADOX CLONE IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU TRY TO TAKE SOMETHING OUT OF A POINT IN TIME, BUT YOU CAN'T BECAUSE IT WOULD CAUSE A PARADOX. SO A PARADOX CLONE IS CREATED IN IT'S PLACE, BUT THEN STUPID SHIT HAPPENS AND IT TURNS OUT THAT YOU WERE ACTUALLY A CLO

[He stops writing because he realizes how stupid it sounds.]

LOOK, OK, IT'S NOT IMPORTANT. DON'T EVEN READ THAT. GOG, THAT'S AN EMBARRASSING BLOCK OF WRITING THERE. ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW IS THAT WHEN YOU PLAY THE GAME THAT I PLAYED, YOU ARE ALWAYS A PARADOX CLONE. BASICALLY I CREATED MYSELF. BECAUSE I'M THAT FUCKING SPECTACULAR.

AND "AFTER YOU CREATE A UNIVERSE" MEANS I FUCKING CREATED YOUR UNIVERSE, OK? WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK IT MEANS? YES, I KNOW. THIS IS ALL A LOT TO TAKE IN. YOU CAN START WEEPING NOW.

[recorded]

[blind_bomber]

Unlikely. The weeping, I mean.

And how do you know it was my universe? There's apparently a whole bunch - people from versions of Earth I've never even heard of.

[beepbeep_meow]

ARE YOU FROM EARTH? YES? THEN I DON'T GIVE A SHIT WHAT "VERSION" OF YOUR STUPID PLANET IT WAS, I CREATED A FUCKING UNIVERSE. A UNIVERSE THAT AT LEAST ONE VERSION OF YOUR PLANET RESIDES IN. IT DOESN'T GET ANY MORE FUCKING IMPRESSIVE THAN THAT.

HAVE YOU MADE A UNIVERSE LATELY? NO? I DIDN'T FUCKING THINK SO. YOU WERE TOO BUSY BEING A BIRD-BEAST-BRAINED BUFFOON AND RUNNING AROUND DIDDLING YOUR OWN BULGE.

"DUHHH. I'M THE HUMAN IGGY. I SURE WISH I WAS COOL LIKE KARKAT AND COULD MAKE A UNIVERSE, BUT I AM TOO STUPID. TOO FUCKING STUPID."

THAT'S YOU. I THINK I GOT YOU PRETTY FUCKING SPOT ON. NOW DO US BOTH A FAVOR AND START GENUFLECTING PROPERLY RATHER THAN BEING THE HAUGHTY WRIGGLER THAT YOU ARE.

[recorded]

[blind_bomber]

Also unlikely. And - thanks - I don't wriggle, I fly.

And maybe I have created a universe - I never said that I haven't, now did I? You're just making assumptions.

[beepbeep_meow]

OH MY APOLOGIES. LET ME JUST CORRECT MY INCORRECT STA- OH WAIT! THAT'S RIGHT! I DON'T FUCKING CARE. YOU ARE A HUMAN. ON LAND, IN THE SKY, OR IN THE WATER, YOU'RE STILL A WRIGGLER TO ME.

AND HAVE YOU MADE A UNIVERSE?

[recorded]

[blind_bomber]

Not as far as I know, but I could be wrong.

And what have you got against humans, anyway? I mean, sure - they're kind of boring, and they make some really stupid decisions sometimes, but that doesn't really seem like enough to make someone hate them as much as you do.