i was due for one of these
In other news, I really think I'm starting to turn into a bitter old man. And I haven't even hit 30 yet.
I guess these are some reasons:
I basically just don't feel like I am relevant any longer. I used to create to gain attention: writing, music, etc. I haven't felt the desire to update my LJ in months, because I feel that nobody will care if I do or don't. Half the time, I wrote about every day things because I liked people's reactions. It is a hard prize to win over and over, and maybe I've realized that. Apparently, I don't feel the need to write for myself very often. But I am tonight. Ironically enough, that's not true. Because this is a public entry.
Oh well, time to embrace the bitterness, I suppose.
I guess these are some reasons:
- Working for the last six years in a row of high-theft retail in first a rich person's mall and then mall a few minutes from Seattle's only ghetto has pretty much soured me on humanity. I have pretty much seen all the kinds of shoplifting techniques you could think of. And also other unethical techniques like return fraud, fencing of merchandise stolen from other stores/companies by selling it used to us, price sticker switching, etc, etc. I guess the good news is that I can outwit the average shoplifter (which isn't very difficult to begin with, I imagine). But I really wouldn't mind a job at this point where I don't have to try to stop people from stealing things.
- I don't have any friends any more. While that's not technically true, it is in the sense that I don't have people that I see or talk to every day in person. I do have a wonderful girlfriend, but spending every single day with one person tends for each of us to get on each other's nerves sometimes. My closest friend lives about a three-hour drive away. Most of my friends I met online and live across the country or in other countries. And even then I don't talk to many of them like I should.
- While I was writing this, someone just called my house at 1:10 am and spoke to me in jibberish. That is as good a reason as any, I guess.
- I am not in the physical shape I once was. This is entirely my fault. My metabolism has slowed as a result of growing older and I've not adjusted my sedentary lifestyle to fit it.
- As a result of being socially disconnected, I seem to connect emotionally more easily to fiction and fantasy than I do to real-life situations and people. I at least recognize this, but it doesn't make me feel any better about myself. Because I was not like that in the past.
- As a result of the above item, I also feel that when I do try to connect with someone, I feel like it comes off awkwardly or insincere because of that social rust.
- And this chain continues: Since I feel more insecure about my social skills, I become depressed when I try to connect and it doesn't happen, I am ignored, or I am brushed off. That is a part of life I have always known, but I am taking it harder now.
I basically just don't feel like I am relevant any longer. I used to create to gain attention: writing, music, etc. I haven't felt the desire to update my LJ in months, because I feel that nobody will care if I do or don't. Half the time, I wrote about every day things because I liked people's reactions. It is a hard prize to win over and over, and maybe I've realized that. Apparently, I don't feel the need to write for myself very often. But I am tonight. Ironically enough, that's not true. Because this is a public entry.
Oh well, time to embrace the bitterness, I suppose.