brownie this is an entry mainly for you
im comfy on a bed with daves warm computer keeping toasty so ill keep posting.
i was breifly taking to brownie earlier about camping and her told me i couldnt wear makeup cause the horseflies would eat my face (understandable) but then we had a short conversation about my makeup thing i have cause i told him i COULD NOT NOT wear makeup.
its a tangled weave of emotions that topic is, no one understands. everyone says they do but they dont. not even daves although he is the best at tolerating it. ppl always say "why do you always do that so much" and make fun of me...i mean...they joke about it.
it all started i trinity i suppose and i was too religous, k-8th grade with the same 50 ppl and bible class everday teaching to be humble, meek, self sacraficing, creates like a "real world" (tv show) situation, its differant than the actual real world. i dont know how it started but id always please other, make others happy, or help a person even at the expensive of myself. like at lunch if someone came up to me with applesauce and wanted my bag of doritos, id trade even though i hated applesauce. as if the other person was better than me, i didnt deserve what i was given. (this was as early as 2nd grade, way before makeup.)
when puberty hit, i was an early bloomer, big boobs in 4th grade. this made me very selfconscience. 5th-8th due to acne i felt ugly, guys never treated me like the pretty girls, the pretty girls told i was ugly by the way theyd not talk to me or by the way they looked at me, i got very depressed, sucidal. i felt why should i be alive? i didnt deserve to be alive, i didnt care if i died.
-oh where am i going with this. ah, back to the makeup.-
then my godmother one day did my makeup, i looked in the mirror and atually saw a person i liked and i person i thought other ppl would like. i knew i was always beautiful on the inside but if no one gave me a chance on the outside, what differance did it make? no matter what ANYONE says it is important to look good and what other ppl think is important. this world is made my first impressions and how you present yourself. dave for example. in 9th grade, i didnt even know who he was but saw me and liked me which was the drive to find out who i was. he didnt know my personality or anything about whats inside of me, we are together because he liked me first by SIGHT. if i wouldve looked differant or held myself differant he might not have been interested in me, i would have most definately fallen in the wrong group and would have been too eager to make them like me.
i feel naked and vulnerable without my makeup, the thing that made me first like myself and apperantly others like me too. id rather walk around actually naked than without any makeup. im a stonger person than i was in 8th grade but still always concerned what ppl think about me. dave is the love of my life but i cant barely feel comfortable without makeup on around him, even with my own sister its hard.
there is no need for ppl to comment on this entry, no one understands and nothing you could write would change the way i feel. but thats okay.
i was breifly taking to brownie earlier about camping and her told me i couldnt wear makeup cause the horseflies would eat my face (understandable) but then we had a short conversation about my makeup thing i have cause i told him i COULD NOT NOT wear makeup.
its a tangled weave of emotions that topic is, no one understands. everyone says they do but they dont. not even daves although he is the best at tolerating it. ppl always say "why do you always do that so much" and make fun of me...i mean...they joke about it.
it all started i trinity i suppose and i was too religous, k-8th grade with the same 50 ppl and bible class everday teaching to be humble, meek, self sacraficing, creates like a "real world" (tv show) situation, its differant than the actual real world. i dont know how it started but id always please other, make others happy, or help a person even at the expensive of myself. like at lunch if someone came up to me with applesauce and wanted my bag of doritos, id trade even though i hated applesauce. as if the other person was better than me, i didnt deserve what i was given. (this was as early as 2nd grade, way before makeup.)
when puberty hit, i was an early bloomer, big boobs in 4th grade. this made me very selfconscience. 5th-8th due to acne i felt ugly, guys never treated me like the pretty girls, the pretty girls told i was ugly by the way theyd not talk to me or by the way they looked at me, i got very depressed, sucidal. i felt why should i be alive? i didnt deserve to be alive, i didnt care if i died.
-oh where am i going with this. ah, back to the makeup.-
then my godmother one day did my makeup, i looked in the mirror and atually saw a person i liked and i person i thought other ppl would like. i knew i was always beautiful on the inside but if no one gave me a chance on the outside, what differance did it make? no matter what ANYONE says it is important to look good and what other ppl think is important. this world is made my first impressions and how you present yourself. dave for example. in 9th grade, i didnt even know who he was but saw me and liked me which was the drive to find out who i was. he didnt know my personality or anything about whats inside of me, we are together because he liked me first by SIGHT. if i wouldve looked differant or held myself differant he might not have been interested in me, i would have most definately fallen in the wrong group and would have been too eager to make them like me.
i feel naked and vulnerable without my makeup, the thing that made me first like myself and apperantly others like me too. id rather walk around actually naked than without any makeup. im a stonger person than i was in 8th grade but still always concerned what ppl think about me. dave is the love of my life but i cant barely feel comfortable without makeup on around him, even with my own sister its hard.
there is no need for ppl to comment on this entry, no one understands and nothing you could write would change the way i feel. but thats okay.