Cutiral Purgatory.
Before you read, i warn you it is about 1 am in Japan. Im tired. I dont want to spell check ( kiss my ass ) And this is a monolog about my past so if you dont really care to know, or you feel like im going to be to whinny in this journal entry you can sod off right about ........ Now. Who'm ever wants to peak into a bit of my soul ( you porbaly already heard most of what is going to be said any way but hey. I went thorugh the trouble of wirtting this.)
Also PS... the only reason im writting this is cause i whatched to many Black/Hispanic/Irish/Birtish/and American Comics today and im realizing that i can relate to just about all of their BS that they grew up with.....
Thus i am in a state of cultural Purgatory.....
As a young woman raised in America to a not so haitian family with ideal that were not at all the same as my peers I often sit back and think about where i come from culturaly. I dont realy have a nitch i can fit in. I'm Haitianbut obviously more American than Haitian. I am veiwed as a black woman by most of the world, while on the other hand Most of the Hispanic world will see me as one of them. This is all visually of course not cuturaly, or in mannorism. Im actualy very saddity or Bougy. That comes with the teoritory of Haitianism. Of crouse most haitian-american men i know will frown at this gernralization i stated. Well they can kiss my ass. I dont give a fuck what they think about me.
How being raised in White America. In the Middel of Connecticut, a state where you have towns that sound whiter than the actual color white. ( if that doesnt make any sences im sorry you'll have to get over it.) I was often faised with raisim of the most idiotic. Questions like " Do black People TAN?" Or comments like " I wish i had a BIG BLACK STICK like Liz" often put me in posissions were i was faces with the decision of raising a fist or going to my mom and crying. I often did the later. This is was of crouse product of a Hiatianesct kind of breeding where the youngest child ( espcailly if the child was a girl) Most alwaysbe afraid of the world. this is to ensure that the mother isnt left alone in her old age of crouse. My mother Denys any such practice. But as the saying goes you can take a person out of new york but you can't take the "New york" out of a person. Or some variation like that.
There were also the self hatting comments of " OH I'M BLACKARICAN" or " I'm going get some blue contact lenses i just hate my Eye color its too "african" " ( fo those of you who dont know many porta ricans or black-porta ricans you may not be familiar with the term Blacka Rican.... it means basicaly one of my parents is black and the other is Protarican. thus re afriming a ertain amout of self hatred toward either side of ther heirtage. Mostly the black side. Since most people veiw portaricans as lighter skined rather than the varing degrees of shades that most Carribeans come in. ) I will not deny haveing thought of my own along these lines. Infact at the age of 13 I would try to scrubb the "black" off my skin. this only resulted in raw cheeks ( on my face) and everyone constantly complimenting me on my "rosey conmpextion."
This is just the beginning of what i consider Cultural Pergadotory. Cause at that time where is was trying to "scrub away" my pigment i was also trying to change my race. So i sunk futher into a fantasy world devoted to Anime. ( This is why i love Sailormoon, DBZ ect so much... it was my only escape form my angsty adolesants.)
There was also the rivalry i never new exsited until now with the other girl who was portarican/black (or Blackarican...fucking retrad) from my grade school . ( ages 5 -13 i was there) Or rivalry wasstarted by her mother. Her mother didn like the fact that A hatian girl ( stryo typically most haitain are kinky haired dark skinned big liped ect... you know Uncle Ruckus....) had fairer skin that her daughter and loser curls than her daughter. So once i showed signs of weakness her mother planted seed of hate i like to call it.. My mom says that she was just being Carribean and trying to show national pride via her mother. I could care less what the reason was and still is. It was a selfish move. On both of their part... Another cutrual trait of haitians, i think, Once there is a changlen you must destory it.... or show it up in one way or antoher. Weather ir be negative or not.
So these mannorism along with parties that dont end till 5 am and don't begin till 9 pm, cronic tardiness. Rice and bean, porks galor, plantane..... or plantanos.... music and my father's...... well My father himself.. all give me a sences of Haitianness....
Now my whiteness, or bougy additude obviously comes from where i raised. I am not saying that I hate it. There are the ocassional mishaps when it came to a biggotted teacher or a student who has no mental filter... or perservation for his testicle. But my Whiteness.. or Americanization my mother like to put it... whitch is true... it is Americanization. Im sure if i was raised in England my "whiteness" would be called Englishization.... or something like that... Any way my Americanization. Rock music, TV, sooo much tv.... the school i went to... well schools and now espcially My choice in accidemic is all very American...I say this cause when i tell my aunts and uncles that im a lingustics and Art major they look crest fallen and ask me why im not going in to Law or Medicine like a propper Haitian woman should. Then they assume im going to be a teacher....... I hate them and i love them... and i am sooooo glad i dont live with them. So es I think The Amricanization helps to put me in a futher state of cultural pergatory.
Now for the sub culture I chose to nestel my teenage youthness in Also helps to distance myself form other who I may have other wise been able to relate to if it were not for my form habits of dorkiness. ( Yes I am still a dork but not to the degree i was. Trust me you would have wanted to punch me just to break my glasses and then seem them the next day with tape, cause duck tape fixed everything.)
Then there is another subcultue i find my self in, but this is a internatino subculture to my understand. Being bisexual can aliante you if you come out.... that is if you come out straight away. :p ( go rainbows) But even then you can be outcasted from people with in a groupe you would have otherwise thought you wuld have fit in to.
Now i find myself becoming..... Japanese ( im trunning japanese i think im trunning Japanese I really think so.)
but i dofind my self comfortable in the flaoting jumbel of cutrules.. How my Haitian side is going to get along with my Japanese side. I wonder..... perhaps i may develope yet another complex.
Any way Im poround to be an Haitian-American ( more american than Haitain but hey i think ill continue the tradition of cronic lateness, and Loud parties that begin 2 hours too late and end about 3 hours to late. also b-day partiess for the kids where the kids dont actually get to attend... Gotta love those. right?) woman who look hispanic to hispanic ppl and black ppl. even though im not and it really annoying to be spoken AT in spanish and then yelled for not knowing it. fuck you Miami, FL. Im proud that i was athreat to the teacher who decided to fail based on my intelct and raise. I think im doing a good job at rubbing it in their fat faces, those fucks. ( i say one of these teachers who tried to fail me beofre i left for Japan. She could not look me in the eye. The bitch i kinda feel .. bad for.. only slightly though. She can go suck my non esxistant balls. So what im Bitter. But at i'm getting over it by writting this.) Im pround of where i am and im proud of the color of my skin. ( how ironic that as i write that this skin i got compliment on when i was 13 is now breaking out.) I'm proud of who i am and i'm not letting anyone any where in the world bring me down ever again. and that goes for my mother too .....
If you have finished reading i do appologize about the spelling... I write in a language on Dislexic can completely understand. LOL Much love for those who endured.
And my bad ill edit... somtime later...
Also PS... the only reason im writting this is cause i whatched to many Black/Hispanic/Irish/Birtish/and American Comics today and im realizing that i can relate to just about all of their BS that they grew up with.....
Thus i am in a state of cultural Purgatory.....
As a young woman raised in America to a not so haitian family with ideal that were not at all the same as my peers I often sit back and think about where i come from culturaly. I dont realy have a nitch i can fit in. I'm Haitianbut obviously more American than Haitian. I am veiwed as a black woman by most of the world, while on the other hand Most of the Hispanic world will see me as one of them. This is all visually of course not cuturaly, or in mannorism. Im actualy very saddity or Bougy. That comes with the teoritory of Haitianism. Of crouse most haitian-american men i know will frown at this gernralization i stated. Well they can kiss my ass. I dont give a fuck what they think about me.
How being raised in White America. In the Middel of Connecticut, a state where you have towns that sound whiter than the actual color white. ( if that doesnt make any sences im sorry you'll have to get over it.) I was often faised with raisim of the most idiotic. Questions like " Do black People TAN?" Or comments like " I wish i had a BIG BLACK STICK like Liz" often put me in posissions were i was faces with the decision of raising a fist or going to my mom and crying. I often did the later. This is was of crouse product of a Hiatianesct kind of breeding where the youngest child ( espcailly if the child was a girl) Most alwaysbe afraid of the world. this is to ensure that the mother isnt left alone in her old age of crouse. My mother Denys any such practice. But as the saying goes you can take a person out of new york but you can't take the "New york" out of a person. Or some variation like that.
There were also the self hatting comments of " OH I'M BLACKARICAN" or " I'm going get some blue contact lenses i just hate my Eye color its too "african" " ( fo those of you who dont know many porta ricans or black-porta ricans you may not be familiar with the term Blacka Rican.... it means basicaly one of my parents is black and the other is Protarican. thus re afriming a ertain amout of self hatred toward either side of ther heirtage. Mostly the black side. Since most people veiw portaricans as lighter skined rather than the varing degrees of shades that most Carribeans come in. ) I will not deny haveing thought of my own along these lines. Infact at the age of 13 I would try to scrubb the "black" off my skin. this only resulted in raw cheeks ( on my face) and everyone constantly complimenting me on my "rosey conmpextion."
This is just the beginning of what i consider Cultural Pergadotory. Cause at that time where is was trying to "scrub away" my pigment i was also trying to change my race. So i sunk futher into a fantasy world devoted to Anime. ( This is why i love Sailormoon, DBZ ect so much... it was my only escape form my angsty adolesants.)
There was also the rivalry i never new exsited until now with the other girl who was portarican/black (or Blackarican...fucking retrad) from my grade school . ( ages 5 -13 i was there) Or rivalry wasstarted by her mother. Her mother didn like the fact that A hatian girl ( stryo typically most haitain are kinky haired dark skinned big liped ect... you know Uncle Ruckus....) had fairer skin that her daughter and loser curls than her daughter. So once i showed signs of weakness her mother planted seed of hate i like to call it.. My mom says that she was just being Carribean and trying to show national pride via her mother. I could care less what the reason was and still is. It was a selfish move. On both of their part... Another cutrual trait of haitians, i think, Once there is a changlen you must destory it.... or show it up in one way or antoher. Weather ir be negative or not.
So these mannorism along with parties that dont end till 5 am and don't begin till 9 pm, cronic tardiness. Rice and bean, porks galor, plantane..... or plantanos.... music and my father's...... well My father himself.. all give me a sences of Haitianness....
Now my whiteness, or bougy additude obviously comes from where i raised. I am not saying that I hate it. There are the ocassional mishaps when it came to a biggotted teacher or a student who has no mental filter... or perservation for his testicle. But my Whiteness.. or Americanization my mother like to put it... whitch is true... it is Americanization. Im sure if i was raised in England my "whiteness" would be called Englishization.... or something like that... Any way my Americanization. Rock music, TV, sooo much tv.... the school i went to... well schools and now espcially My choice in accidemic is all very American...I say this cause when i tell my aunts and uncles that im a lingustics and Art major they look crest fallen and ask me why im not going in to Law or Medicine like a propper Haitian woman should. Then they assume im going to be a teacher....... I hate them and i love them... and i am sooooo glad i dont live with them. So es I think The Amricanization helps to put me in a futher state of cultural pergatory.
Now for the sub culture I chose to nestel my teenage youthness in Also helps to distance myself form other who I may have other wise been able to relate to if it were not for my form habits of dorkiness. ( Yes I am still a dork but not to the degree i was. Trust me you would have wanted to punch me just to break my glasses and then seem them the next day with tape, cause duck tape fixed everything.)
Then there is another subcultue i find my self in, but this is a internatino subculture to my understand. Being bisexual can aliante you if you come out.... that is if you come out straight away. :p ( go rainbows) But even then you can be outcasted from people with in a groupe you would have otherwise thought you wuld have fit in to.
Now i find myself becoming..... Japanese ( im trunning japanese i think im trunning Japanese I really think so.)
but i dofind my self comfortable in the flaoting jumbel of cutrules.. How my Haitian side is going to get along with my Japanese side. I wonder..... perhaps i may develope yet another complex.
Any way Im poround to be an Haitian-American ( more american than Haitain but hey i think ill continue the tradition of cronic lateness, and Loud parties that begin 2 hours too late and end about 3 hours to late. also b-day partiess for the kids where the kids dont actually get to attend... Gotta love those. right?) woman who look hispanic to hispanic ppl and black ppl. even though im not and it really annoying to be spoken AT in spanish and then yelled for not knowing it. fuck you Miami, FL. Im proud that i was athreat to the teacher who decided to fail based on my intelct and raise. I think im doing a good job at rubbing it in their fat faces, those fucks. ( i say one of these teachers who tried to fail me beofre i left for Japan. She could not look me in the eye. The bitch i kinda feel .. bad for.. only slightly though. She can go suck my non esxistant balls. So what im Bitter. But at i'm getting over it by writting this.) Im pround of where i am and im proud of the color of my skin. ( how ironic that as i write that this skin i got compliment on when i was 13 is now breaking out.) I'm proud of who i am and i'm not letting anyone any where in the world bring me down ever again. and that goes for my mother too .....
If you have finished reading i do appologize about the spelling... I write in a language on Dislexic can completely understand. LOL Much love for those who endured.
And my bad ill edit... somtime later...