pain and misery always hit the spot
yesterday was really fucked up. i am so happy that it happened now versus earlier, though, because i dont think my heart would have been able to handle what was said last night.
if you knew me in high school, or read my journal back in the day, you probably heard about jeremy, my "first love", the marine who reactivated when i was a senior in high school and broke my heart. it took me until the middle of last year to get over him, and years had gone by. he left an immense impact on me, because he was a good guy and cared about me. i refused to let him go, in my heart, that is. anyway, last i spoke to him, he told me that he was engaged. i was fine with it, surprisingly enough, and i knew it was just a matter of time, because he was intense and committed and ...i just knew that he would eventually find someone.
last night, i was walking to coolidge corner with craig and forgot to log out, and when i got back, he had left me a msg on msn, which was auto-replied by a message. he never stays online for long periods of time, so i guess ten or twenty minutes had gone by when i got back and read it, and miraculously he was still on. we spoke for well over an hour, and it was so crazy, i almost broke down.
mistaken for *stars*: so whats new with you??????
mistaken for *stars*: you married yet?
FyReStArTeR: meh
mistaken for *stars*: lol
mistaken for *stars*: yes??
FyReStArTeR: mmm
mistaken for *stars*: hmmm congrats
mistaken for *stars*: lol
FyReStArTeR: LMAO
mistaken for *stars*: i am lost
FyReStArTeR: hate me yet?
mistaken for *stars*: definitely not
mistaken for *stars*: should i?
FyReStArTeR: not that i know of
mistaken for *stars*: k good
FyReStArTeR: you were young
FyReStArTeR: i was leaving
he had to leave because he was 22 and just got out of the marines and wanted to get back. i was 17, i was half-way done with my senior year and i didnt know where i was going to school yet. in fact, i was missing so much of it, that i wasnt sure who would accept me. i didnt really care, i was caught up in other bullshit. my friends sucked, my moods were heading in a downward direction. jeremy was beautiful in every sense and he genuinely cared about me. i couldnt let him go!
this one particular night sticks out in my brain more than any other. but it was so early into the "relationship" [which i feel funny calling] that i couldnt be selfish and i had to do the right thing. he asked me how i felt about him going back into the military, and i didnt flat out say, 'do it' but i did say 'i think you need to do whats right for you and whatever decision you make, i'll support you.' i cried so many times thinking about that night, but somehow, i never regretted saying what i said; i never thought, 'wow, shit, i should have told him to stay..' because i didnt feel right doing so.. anyway..
FyReStArTeR: so let me ask you an honest question
mistaken for *stars*: yeah sure
FyReStArTeR: ever wonder what could have or would have been
mistaken for *stars*: yeah i did for awhile, it took a lot for me to get over you. in all honesty. but i sort of finally got to the point where i realized that you had other plans and that i was still figuring out my life
mistaken for *stars*: you were good to me, you didnt just let it go on and break my heart
mistaken for *stars*: you werent a jerk about it
FyReStArTeR: i didnt want to be an ass about it
mistaken for *stars*: i know i know.. and i also found out that other stuff in my life wasnt going too great, and the people i grew up with werent really my friends, you seemed like you genuinely cared about me so i didnt want to lose you
FyReStArTeR: i knew what was going to happen when i left, whether it was me or you. either way it was not going to work out
mistaken for *stars*: yeah
FyReStArTeR: i didnt do what did because i didnt care about you
FyReStArTeR: or that i lost interest
mistaken for *stars*: i know and if i thought you handled the situation in another way i probably wouldnt want to talk to you anymore
mistaken for *stars*: but im fine now, and im glad things are working out
mistaken for *stars*: and i dont have any resentments or hard feelings
mistaken for *stars*: but it really was hard for me for awhile there
FyReStArTeR: now i feel bad
mistaken for *stars*: seriously dont!
mistaken for *stars*: its been like........ 4 years
mistaken for *stars*: 3 years?? i dunno
FyReStArTeR: OMFG
FyReStArTeR: it seriously has been that long
mistaken for *stars*: yeah
mistaken for *stars*: isnt that fucked up
FyReStArTeR: wow
mistaken for *stars*: im turning 21 soon haha
FyReStArTeR: remember the hoodie i bought at the mall when you were with me
FyReStArTeR: at american eagle
mistaken for *stars*: i think so
mistaken for *stars*: yeah
FyReStArTeR: im wearing it right now
so we went for a little walk down memory lane..
mistaken for *stars*: im actually figuring out where im going to live next year, i think my brother is going to live with his non-gf.
mistaken for *stars*: i dont want to move in with my bf because i think it might kill it
FyReStArTeR: come live in NC
FyReStArTeR: we can have an affair
mistaken for *stars*: well i have one more year of undergrad left
mistaken for *stars*: NO AFFAIRS!
FyReStArTeR: lol
mistaken for *stars*: !!!!!! behave
FyReStArTeR: i kid i kid
mistaken for *stars*: suuuure :)
FyReStArTeR: you know me better than that
***
FyReStArTeR: i tried to find things for us to do when we went out
mistaken for *stars*: yeah you did
FyReStArTeR: didnt do a good job though
mistaken for *stars*: how do you figure?
FyReStArTeR: idk
mistaken for *stars*: we went to a hockey game once! and restaurants and movies!
FyReStArTeR: that was good fun
FyReStArTeR: to be honest
FyReStArTeR: i miss those times
mistaken for *stars*: i think you did the right thing, you were sooooooooo hating the snow and being in MA and you needed to do what you loved
FyReStArTeR: really though
FyReStArTeR: i wish you woud have come with
FyReStArTeR: and we could have seen what could have happened
FyReStArTeR: im sorry
FyReStArTeR: im dwelling in the past and all that shit
FyReStArTeR: ill stop
mistaken for *stars*: i know, i felt the same way but i was scared that if i didnt go to school and we broke up, id be fucked.
mistaken for *stars*: and i know that you were logical and considerate
mistaken for *stars*: i dont even want to make you feel bad, but i was so hung up on you until, seriously, like a year ago, maybe less.
***
mistaken for *stars*: you're still in the marines right
FyReStArTeR: FUCK NO
mistaken for *stars*: really
mistaken for *stars*: cuz of your back
FyReStArTeR: im finishing out this contract maybe and getting out
FyReStArTeR: if i finish this contract
FyReStArTeR: yea my back
FyReStArTeR: thats why im in school and not iraq right now
FyReStArTeR: cause i want to get out and make bucks
mistaken for *stars*: i think its kind of a good thing, in my opinion anyway
FyReStArTeR: shit
FyReStArTeR: but in your opinion you didnt want me to go
mistaken for *stars*: no no
FyReStArTeR: honestly if you had said at the time that you didnt want me to go i wouldnt have gone
mistaken for *stars*: i would have felt really guilty
FyReStArTeR: but i would have stayed with you in mass and been fine with it
FyReStArTeR: it would have shown that you want to make a commitment
mistaken for *stars*: i just wanted you to do what made you happy and i know that you talked about it and i could tell you missed it like hell
mistaken for *stars*: i wanted to be like.. no, stay.. but i didnt think it was fair
mistaken for *stars*: i knew that you cared about me but i didnt know to what extent, and i thought that i was just crazy about you but i get like that ya know? if we broke up and you missed your chance .. cuz i remembered how hard it was for you to get back in .. i would have felt like such an asshole
FyReStArTeR: yea i hear ya
mistaken for *stars*: shit is crazy huh?
FyReStArTeR: i really dont know what to say to that
FyReStArTeR: we can sit here and wonder what could have been
FyReStArTeR: but that would suck
mistaken for *stars*: ironic
FyReStArTeR: yea
FyReStArTeR: we both wanted the same things as far as i can tell
mistaken for *stars*: yeah
FyReStArTeR: but neither of us did anything about it
FyReStArTeR: well the past is the past
FyReStArTeR: what can we do now??
it went on longer but i couldnt even handle it. i literally burst into tears when he said he would have stayed that time if i said thats what i wanted. you have no idea how difficult it was for me to get over him, and to tell myself that things were going to get better for me, and that everything happens for a reason.
the best part of it all is that i am okay with it. :) its over between me and him and i am beyond it.
♥
ciao.
*katelyn*
if you knew me in high school, or read my journal back in the day, you probably heard about jeremy, my "first love", the marine who reactivated when i was a senior in high school and broke my heart. it took me until the middle of last year to get over him, and years had gone by. he left an immense impact on me, because he was a good guy and cared about me. i refused to let him go, in my heart, that is. anyway, last i spoke to him, he told me that he was engaged. i was fine with it, surprisingly enough, and i knew it was just a matter of time, because he was intense and committed and ...i just knew that he would eventually find someone.
last night, i was walking to coolidge corner with craig and forgot to log out, and when i got back, he had left me a msg on msn, which was auto-replied by a message. he never stays online for long periods of time, so i guess ten or twenty minutes had gone by when i got back and read it, and miraculously he was still on. we spoke for well over an hour, and it was so crazy, i almost broke down.
mistaken for *stars*: so whats new with you??????
mistaken for *stars*: you married yet?
FyReStArTeR: meh
mistaken for *stars*: lol
mistaken for *stars*: yes??
FyReStArTeR: mmm
mistaken for *stars*: hmmm congrats
mistaken for *stars*: lol
FyReStArTeR: LMAO
mistaken for *stars*: i am lost
FyReStArTeR: hate me yet?
mistaken for *stars*: definitely not
mistaken for *stars*: should i?
FyReStArTeR: not that i know of
mistaken for *stars*: k good
FyReStArTeR: you were young
FyReStArTeR: i was leaving
he had to leave because he was 22 and just got out of the marines and wanted to get back. i was 17, i was half-way done with my senior year and i didnt know where i was going to school yet. in fact, i was missing so much of it, that i wasnt sure who would accept me. i didnt really care, i was caught up in other bullshit. my friends sucked, my moods were heading in a downward direction. jeremy was beautiful in every sense and he genuinely cared about me. i couldnt let him go!
this one particular night sticks out in my brain more than any other. but it was so early into the "relationship" [which i feel funny calling] that i couldnt be selfish and i had to do the right thing. he asked me how i felt about him going back into the military, and i didnt flat out say, 'do it' but i did say 'i think you need to do whats right for you and whatever decision you make, i'll support you.' i cried so many times thinking about that night, but somehow, i never regretted saying what i said; i never thought, 'wow, shit, i should have told him to stay..' because i didnt feel right doing so.. anyway..
FyReStArTeR: so let me ask you an honest question
mistaken for *stars*: yeah sure
FyReStArTeR: ever wonder what could have or would have been
mistaken for *stars*: yeah i did for awhile, it took a lot for me to get over you. in all honesty. but i sort of finally got to the point where i realized that you had other plans and that i was still figuring out my life
mistaken for *stars*: you were good to me, you didnt just let it go on and break my heart
mistaken for *stars*: you werent a jerk about it
FyReStArTeR: i didnt want to be an ass about it
mistaken for *stars*: i know i know.. and i also found out that other stuff in my life wasnt going too great, and the people i grew up with werent really my friends, you seemed like you genuinely cared about me so i didnt want to lose you
FyReStArTeR: i knew what was going to happen when i left, whether it was me or you. either way it was not going to work out
mistaken for *stars*: yeah
FyReStArTeR: i didnt do what did because i didnt care about you
FyReStArTeR: or that i lost interest
mistaken for *stars*: i know and if i thought you handled the situation in another way i probably wouldnt want to talk to you anymore
mistaken for *stars*: but im fine now, and im glad things are working out
mistaken for *stars*: and i dont have any resentments or hard feelings
mistaken for *stars*: but it really was hard for me for awhile there
FyReStArTeR: now i feel bad
mistaken for *stars*: seriously dont!
mistaken for *stars*: its been like........ 4 years
mistaken for *stars*: 3 years?? i dunno
FyReStArTeR: OMFG
FyReStArTeR: it seriously has been that long
mistaken for *stars*: yeah
mistaken for *stars*: isnt that fucked up
FyReStArTeR: wow
mistaken for *stars*: im turning 21 soon haha
FyReStArTeR: remember the hoodie i bought at the mall when you were with me
FyReStArTeR: at american eagle
mistaken for *stars*: i think so
mistaken for *stars*: yeah
FyReStArTeR: im wearing it right now
so we went for a little walk down memory lane..
mistaken for *stars*: im actually figuring out where im going to live next year, i think my brother is going to live with his non-gf.
mistaken for *stars*: i dont want to move in with my bf because i think it might kill it
FyReStArTeR: come live in NC
FyReStArTeR: we can have an affair
mistaken for *stars*: well i have one more year of undergrad left
mistaken for *stars*: NO AFFAIRS!
FyReStArTeR: lol
mistaken for *stars*: !!!!!! behave
FyReStArTeR: i kid i kid
mistaken for *stars*: suuuure :)
FyReStArTeR: you know me better than that
***
FyReStArTeR: i tried to find things for us to do when we went out
mistaken for *stars*: yeah you did
FyReStArTeR: didnt do a good job though
mistaken for *stars*: how do you figure?
FyReStArTeR: idk
mistaken for *stars*: we went to a hockey game once! and restaurants and movies!
FyReStArTeR: that was good fun
FyReStArTeR: to be honest
FyReStArTeR: i miss those times
mistaken for *stars*: i think you did the right thing, you were sooooooooo hating the snow and being in MA and you needed to do what you loved
FyReStArTeR: really though
FyReStArTeR: i wish you woud have come with
FyReStArTeR: and we could have seen what could have happened
FyReStArTeR: im sorry
FyReStArTeR: im dwelling in the past and all that shit
FyReStArTeR: ill stop
mistaken for *stars*: i know, i felt the same way but i was scared that if i didnt go to school and we broke up, id be fucked.
mistaken for *stars*: and i know that you were logical and considerate
mistaken for *stars*: i dont even want to make you feel bad, but i was so hung up on you until, seriously, like a year ago, maybe less.
***
mistaken for *stars*: you're still in the marines right
FyReStArTeR: FUCK NO
mistaken for *stars*: really
mistaken for *stars*: cuz of your back
FyReStArTeR: im finishing out this contract maybe and getting out
FyReStArTeR: if i finish this contract
FyReStArTeR: yea my back
FyReStArTeR: thats why im in school and not iraq right now
FyReStArTeR: cause i want to get out and make bucks
mistaken for *stars*: i think its kind of a good thing, in my opinion anyway
FyReStArTeR: shit
FyReStArTeR: but in your opinion you didnt want me to go
mistaken for *stars*: no no
FyReStArTeR: honestly if you had said at the time that you didnt want me to go i wouldnt have gone
mistaken for *stars*: i would have felt really guilty
FyReStArTeR: but i would have stayed with you in mass and been fine with it
FyReStArTeR: it would have shown that you want to make a commitment
mistaken for *stars*: i just wanted you to do what made you happy and i know that you talked about it and i could tell you missed it like hell
mistaken for *stars*: i wanted to be like.. no, stay.. but i didnt think it was fair
mistaken for *stars*: i knew that you cared about me but i didnt know to what extent, and i thought that i was just crazy about you but i get like that ya know? if we broke up and you missed your chance .. cuz i remembered how hard it was for you to get back in .. i would have felt like such an asshole
FyReStArTeR: yea i hear ya
mistaken for *stars*: shit is crazy huh?
FyReStArTeR: i really dont know what to say to that
FyReStArTeR: we can sit here and wonder what could have been
FyReStArTeR: but that would suck
mistaken for *stars*: ironic
FyReStArTeR: yea
FyReStArTeR: we both wanted the same things as far as i can tell
mistaken for *stars*: yeah
FyReStArTeR: but neither of us did anything about it
FyReStArTeR: well the past is the past
FyReStArTeR: what can we do now??
it went on longer but i couldnt even handle it. i literally burst into tears when he said he would have stayed that time if i said thats what i wanted. you have no idea how difficult it was for me to get over him, and to tell myself that things were going to get better for me, and that everything happens for a reason.
the best part of it all is that i am okay with it. :) its over between me and him and i am beyond it.
♥
ciao.
*katelyn*