Me, my, ooo, and I.
I have everything. I'm going to relatively high ranked university for mechanical engineering, I'm in my senior year, I have a decent enough GPA, I have a loving boyfriend, two wonderful kitties, a professor who sees my intellect, values it, and wants to use it. I have an internship that can boost me into a career if I so desire. I eat, I sleep, I have a roof over my head. And my boy friend! My boy friend is freaking amazing, he's always there for me, picks me up when I'm down, and once he GETS the clue, he does all he can to fulfill my needs. The question is, what ARE my needs?
I basically have everything a 22 year old could want. I have a bright undeniably interesting future full of potential ahead of me. I have choices up the arse and have put myself in a position where I can do just about anything. So why is it that I have NO idea what I want, let alone need? What exactly will this bundle of person become? More importantly what do they want, need? This question extends far beyond simple career, economic, or academic questions, but into my very relationship.
I have NO idea what I want. Even in a man. Andrew should be the panicle everything I want and desire. In fact, he's just that, he's EXACTLY what I though I wanted. Yet, now two years into our relationship I'm second guessing those thoughts. I'm fantasizing about other men (not acting on them mind you, that would be very NOT cool), considering dropping everything and simply living alone, or simply cutting it completely off perhaps even just to see what happens. How ridiculous is that? Yet, these are my thoughts, my feelings. Nothing can escape my feeling of simply being lost.
I guess it comes down to this: I don't know who I am. At all. I've changed so much the past few years it's almost boggling. I've become stronger, and for better or worse, harder and more ambitious than ever. But for what end? Usually when one is asked where do you see yourself in 5 years people have some idea where they see their dream selves. I have NO idea. It's a complete blank space. Family? Freinds? Career? Nothing, only shrugs and I don't knows. I'm not sure if I completely care, except that it's effecting my relationship.
Andrew and I always were on a "wait and see" basis with this relationship, but there was no denying the possibility of marriage. I recently realized that I'm not ready to commit to one person for the rest of my life. I basically took the "wait and see" to "probably ending at some point." I felt like shit doing it, but I have to be honest with him and most importantly to myself.
I just think I need time-alone. If you look at the history of the Rissie Monster it's full of committed relationship after committed relationship each varying in their seriousness. Maybe I just need to be alone? Cevin-my ex of all people- questioned wether or not I "mold" myself. It kinda hit hard. I don't think I do, but the thought disturbed me enough to think that maybe I do... I at least tend to define my happiness by the relationship I'm in, which isn't particularly heathy. I'm just not sure I'm that strong of a person, but after the past few years, maybe I'm ready to just be solo?
I have no idea. That's the problem. I just have no idea. Can't I just be happy with what I've got?
(Is this what they call depression? Eww.)
I basically have everything a 22 year old could want. I have a bright undeniably interesting future full of potential ahead of me. I have choices up the arse and have put myself in a position where I can do just about anything. So why is it that I have NO idea what I want, let alone need? What exactly will this bundle of person become? More importantly what do they want, need? This question extends far beyond simple career, economic, or academic questions, but into my very relationship.
I have NO idea what I want. Even in a man. Andrew should be the panicle everything I want and desire. In fact, he's just that, he's EXACTLY what I though I wanted. Yet, now two years into our relationship I'm second guessing those thoughts. I'm fantasizing about other men (not acting on them mind you, that would be very NOT cool), considering dropping everything and simply living alone, or simply cutting it completely off perhaps even just to see what happens. How ridiculous is that? Yet, these are my thoughts, my feelings. Nothing can escape my feeling of simply being lost.
I guess it comes down to this: I don't know who I am. At all. I've changed so much the past few years it's almost boggling. I've become stronger, and for better or worse, harder and more ambitious than ever. But for what end? Usually when one is asked where do you see yourself in 5 years people have some idea where they see their dream selves. I have NO idea. It's a complete blank space. Family? Freinds? Career? Nothing, only shrugs and I don't knows. I'm not sure if I completely care, except that it's effecting my relationship.
Andrew and I always were on a "wait and see" basis with this relationship, but there was no denying the possibility of marriage. I recently realized that I'm not ready to commit to one person for the rest of my life. I basically took the "wait and see" to "probably ending at some point." I felt like shit doing it, but I have to be honest with him and most importantly to myself.
I just think I need time-alone. If you look at the history of the Rissie Monster it's full of committed relationship after committed relationship each varying in their seriousness. Maybe I just need to be alone? Cevin-my ex of all people- questioned wether or not I "mold" myself. It kinda hit hard. I don't think I do, but the thought disturbed me enough to think that maybe I do... I at least tend to define my happiness by the relationship I'm in, which isn't particularly heathy. I'm just not sure I'm that strong of a person, but after the past few years, maybe I'm ready to just be solo?
I have no idea. That's the problem. I just have no idea. Can't I just be happy with what I've got?
(Is this what they call depression? Eww.)