over it
Ahh today has been one of those hectic but yet slow days. I just woke up today and put on some shorts, a tank top, and some flipflops. I haven't felt this comfortable all year. Later on today after school i have a 2nd interview for whataburger and another one at 4:20. I'm just trying to get everything done. I have to go get my schedule changed for next year but my counselor never seems to be there, i have to push myself to finish my work, i have to turn in all my books , and then i have to clean out my locker. So much to do.........and i don't want to do it. I want this year to be over already but then again it went by too fast. I grew up alot from the experiences i went through. I spent too much time depending on something to happen when i should have let go of it in my heart in the first place. Now that i think back, this semester was so different from the first that i can't believe that i felt that way back then. I don't understand how i let that one promise stick in my head and let it take over my whole first half of my junior year. I guess you just have to take things one day at a time and just let things go. If it's suppose to happen it will but if not then there is a reason why it didn't. I don't regret anything i said to him. I don't regret anything i did for him, I don't regret anything that we had. What we had back then might have been real, it might not have. But in the moment when we were together, it was to us. I won't dwell on the heartache, just the good memories. I will remember how happy he made me feel and how much i knew he cared. I won't remember the hurt because to this day i don't know if he means to do it or not. In my heart i would still like him to come back and be like i messed up or i should have known what i lost, but i can't depend on it because it just might not happen. It's ok though. I'll always remember him as that great guy who out of nowhere said hi to me in the hallway even though he didn't know me. I'll remember when he asked me out, and how we would tell me later that when he saw me, he knew he had to get to know me. lol thats what i'll always smile about. I'll always know that when we were together, i gave him everything i could and i never held back. I loved him with all i knew how, and i hope he knew it. He will always have a place in my heart because he made it there himself. But its smaller now because i know he will only love me as his friend and me love him in another way. And its funny because last august i remember thinking that i would never love anybody as much as i loved him. Thats changed. I have adrian and its great. He makes everything seem so much easier. I tend to push him away but he knows that i love him and don't mean it. He is exactly what i needed. What i need. He makse me so happy that nothing else could compare. There was something there from the very beginning and i love that. There's nothing to hide, nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to be afraid of. He helps me see whats most important, whats worth getting mad over and whats not even worth another glance, what love really hi, what trust really is, what being there really consists of. Adrian has taught me to trust someone else other than myself. I love him with all my heart and have no regrets. And i hope he knows that and that they are not just words. But i would also like to thank my girls for always being there for me even when they had their own problems. Katy for always listening when i needed to cry and always understanding and not judging. Patsy for always holding back from telling me to be quiet and to get over him, and just telling me that it will be ok because she knew thats all my heart needed to hear. She was always so blunt about things whether i wanted to hear them or not. That made a big difference. And alyssa for never turning her back on me. For always listening not because she had to but because she cared. i think that what happened brought me and her much closer. For always giving me advice and telling me straight out, and for letting me know when it was time to let go. Ashley for always answering her phone even when she was busy adn crying with me because my pain was hers too. i hope they all know how much they've helped me see that you can dwell in the past but to look forward to the future and what it will bring. I love ya all and wish you best of luck with your problems and i hope they i know I'm always here if they need me. And also to a special someone who never gave up on me especially when i would treat them like shit and push them away. I hope they know that i care