everything is perfect from far away, come down now...
i am tired of academia...i am tired of fighting what comes to me most naturally...i am tired of the same old routine...and i am tired of resisting the urge to have nice, passionate breakdown...
life is a strange course to take, yet so obviously our only choice. i wonder why i chose this body, and this chain of events. i feel a richness among it all, but with such exhaustion, it's hard to be focused and free. i want to feel a quick flash of sturdy reality when i ask "who am i?" i want to feel total freedom from emotional attachment to others. i want to value my life so much that it is not what goes on around me that brings me the most pain. i want to be free from all and happy for all. i don't want to have to explain every little thing to death as my only method of avoiding pain. besides, that really doesn't seem to be working.
my stomach is all knotted up right now. but i guess that's what happens when you take terrible care of yourself...valium, beer, donuts... this was never who i wanted to be. but i do believe expectation reduces the joy in life, and i don't want to live simply to fulfill the obligations of my past daydreams. now that would be a tragedy.
i hate the people who consider themselves so wise that they won't even give you the time of day. they close their eyes to what may lie behind facades. i don't want to be like that; to miss out on things or ideas because of any sort of prejudice. i think that's one thing i like about who i am right now...even though i may make some judgements, i am growing to be able to accept people as they are. all equal. no levels. all beautiful. and i'll try to do the same for myself. i don't know when i'll ever be able to spill out enough of this junk in order to feel clean again. i want to feel innocent but grounded. i don't want to associate certain feelings with only very specific scenes. i'd like to pull off total contentment despite all the dust, despite the emblems of bad-association. my mind is in the clouds, but i really don't know how to live down here. always looking from afar....
life is a strange course to take, yet so obviously our only choice. i wonder why i chose this body, and this chain of events. i feel a richness among it all, but with such exhaustion, it's hard to be focused and free. i want to feel a quick flash of sturdy reality when i ask "who am i?" i want to feel total freedom from emotional attachment to others. i want to value my life so much that it is not what goes on around me that brings me the most pain. i want to be free from all and happy for all. i don't want to have to explain every little thing to death as my only method of avoiding pain. besides, that really doesn't seem to be working.
my stomach is all knotted up right now. but i guess that's what happens when you take terrible care of yourself...valium, beer, donuts... this was never who i wanted to be. but i do believe expectation reduces the joy in life, and i don't want to live simply to fulfill the obligations of my past daydreams. now that would be a tragedy.
i hate the people who consider themselves so wise that they won't even give you the time of day. they close their eyes to what may lie behind facades. i don't want to be like that; to miss out on things or ideas because of any sort of prejudice. i think that's one thing i like about who i am right now...even though i may make some judgements, i am growing to be able to accept people as they are. all equal. no levels. all beautiful. and i'll try to do the same for myself. i don't know when i'll ever be able to spill out enough of this junk in order to feel clean again. i want to feel innocent but grounded. i don't want to associate certain feelings with only very specific scenes. i'd like to pull off total contentment despite all the dust, despite the emblems of bad-association. my mind is in the clouds, but i really don't know how to live down here. always looking from afar....