he flaked out on me.
I told ben for the longest time that i wanted to do something for his 20th, and he was up for it and i just KNEW that he wasn't going to come through. i felt it deep down, i really did.
i called him to confirm us going that nite (last nite) and he said that he couldnt. that his mom hadnt come home from Mexico and that he had to take care of his brother or whatever. he said sorry, of course, like it makes it ALLL better or something.
I was obviously dissapointed. I'm just tired of being dissapointed all the fucking time by him.
I know that he's going to say that it wasn't his fault, and that he said that he was sorry, and that he IS sorry. But he didn't even suggest that we do something ELSE another day. it's like he doesnt even care. He calls me, we talk all the time...he says that we're friends, but i dont think that we REALLY are. I think that i'm HIS friend, but he's not really my friend. not in a real way, anyway. I'd do anything for him, but with him, i'm not at all confidant that if i was sick and dying in the hospital, that he would come to see me. I mean, yeah...he listens to me, he helps me out when im you know...depressed, and mad and going through my guy bullshit, but that's not enough for me. i have a different definition of friendship. For me to be friends with HIM, i need to see him. I mean, there are some friends, REAL friends that i have that i CAN'T see, and that's different. (Liz, you're like, my best friend, but i can't see you...i will, but i cant all the time, you know?)
It just really bothers me that we never spend time with each other. if we're friends, then why does our freindship exist solely at a distance? i just don't get it. i HATE it, and i don't think that i want to take it anymore.
i was talking about this with Cindy the other day...
the only way that i can REALLY end relationships is to end them with hate, and a fight, and just general conflict.
It's sad, yeah, but it's very true. I'm an intense person. I don't feel things "just a little bit"
I'm either REALLY mad, REALLY sad, or REALLY happy.
not all at once, thank god.
But i DON'T want to stop talking to ben. i love him, he's my friend. At least that's what i thought, or would like to think. If we never make out EVER again, i would be okay with that. I really would. Sometimes i just want to tell him to fuck off and leave me alone and to stop playing games and find someone else to mind fuck. But i CAN'T. I get afraid that i'm just misinterpreting everything.
I just want to stop worrying about if we REALLY are friends.
Right now, i'm going to take a break from him. I don't know for how long...but all i know is that when we talk again, i wont flirt, i wont get jealous, and i wont ask him for a goddamn thing EVER again. And i'm going to make it clear in an unsaid way that getting naked, having phone sex, and just being sexual in any way isn't what i'm into at ALL. i'm going to silently regect him, and hopefully, with the elimination of sexual tension (can i really make it go away? is this futile?) we can really be JUST friends.
Cuz when it comes down to it, i think that that's what i really do want. I have to realize that we're not going to be together. That our time was spent, and that i got my chance, and he got his chance.
I'm done with second chances.
From now on...they don't exist.
i called him to confirm us going that nite (last nite) and he said that he couldnt. that his mom hadnt come home from Mexico and that he had to take care of his brother or whatever. he said sorry, of course, like it makes it ALLL better or something.
I was obviously dissapointed. I'm just tired of being dissapointed all the fucking time by him.
I know that he's going to say that it wasn't his fault, and that he said that he was sorry, and that he IS sorry. But he didn't even suggest that we do something ELSE another day. it's like he doesnt even care. He calls me, we talk all the time...he says that we're friends, but i dont think that we REALLY are. I think that i'm HIS friend, but he's not really my friend. not in a real way, anyway. I'd do anything for him, but with him, i'm not at all confidant that if i was sick and dying in the hospital, that he would come to see me. I mean, yeah...he listens to me, he helps me out when im you know...depressed, and mad and going through my guy bullshit, but that's not enough for me. i have a different definition of friendship. For me to be friends with HIM, i need to see him. I mean, there are some friends, REAL friends that i have that i CAN'T see, and that's different. (Liz, you're like, my best friend, but i can't see you...i will, but i cant all the time, you know?)
It just really bothers me that we never spend time with each other. if we're friends, then why does our freindship exist solely at a distance? i just don't get it. i HATE it, and i don't think that i want to take it anymore.
i was talking about this with Cindy the other day...
the only way that i can REALLY end relationships is to end them with hate, and a fight, and just general conflict.
It's sad, yeah, but it's very true. I'm an intense person. I don't feel things "just a little bit"
I'm either REALLY mad, REALLY sad, or REALLY happy.
not all at once, thank god.
But i DON'T want to stop talking to ben. i love him, he's my friend. At least that's what i thought, or would like to think. If we never make out EVER again, i would be okay with that. I really would. Sometimes i just want to tell him to fuck off and leave me alone and to stop playing games and find someone else to mind fuck. But i CAN'T. I get afraid that i'm just misinterpreting everything.
I just want to stop worrying about if we REALLY are friends.
Right now, i'm going to take a break from him. I don't know for how long...but all i know is that when we talk again, i wont flirt, i wont get jealous, and i wont ask him for a goddamn thing EVER again. And i'm going to make it clear in an unsaid way that getting naked, having phone sex, and just being sexual in any way isn't what i'm into at ALL. i'm going to silently regect him, and hopefully, with the elimination of sexual tension (can i really make it go away? is this futile?) we can really be JUST friends.
Cuz when it comes down to it, i think that that's what i really do want. I have to realize that we're not going to be together. That our time was spent, and that i got my chance, and he got his chance.
I'm done with second chances.
From now on...they don't exist.