Strike a match and start anew
Disclaimer: Sad, pathetic words ahead. Read at your own risk.
I feel sort of empty today. It's overwhelming. I've said before, and I'll say again I'm trying so much harder at this than Victor. He's been gone for about a month now and everyday he seems further away. Of course, the distance shouldn't really make a difference... if we're really as in love as we tell each other and everyone else, the only things missing should be the physical things. But so much more than that seems to be gone.
I can't call him because his phone doesn't get service on that God-forsaken mountain and I think it would be weird to call the house line and ask for him when I've never met Karen or Alex. He calls me when it's convenient for him, which is sometimes 2 in the morning here, but of course it's worse when he doesn't call at all. He gets my text messages days, sometimes a whole week after I send them, so there's no real point to sending those either. I send him cute little emails when I know he's at work and I happen to be missing him at that moment and he never responds to them. The only positive thing we've got going between us is snail mail. I send one out on Monday, he gets it Thursday, he sends his out on Monday and I get it on Thursday...
I just feel so overwhelmed and empty and alone all the time. I'm having the hardest time making a decision about life come August 20th. I haven't even applied for the job in Burbank because while it would look awesome on my resume, I don't want to be there by myself... with no Victor and no friends. It took a really long time to realize that. So now, I've applied for a job in Denver, I'm going to call and "follow up" tomorrow, but as hard as I try to be optimistic, who wants to hire someone from another state that has NO experience? I probably would simply based on principal and the whole "I've been in your shoes" situation. Further than this job I have NO idea what to do.
I don't see myself staying in my apartment and still getting paid this shitty hourly rate with no health insurance and not a penny to save. I don't see myself living with my mom (and besides, what job could I get in Galloway fucking Township? I refuse anything less than something in my career or teaching. Sure, I merely lifeguard here, but I'm not MOVING HOME to do something that I'm already doing... trust me, it makes sense). Paul said he might be able to get me a job in the accounting department where he works in Queens.... which means I would have to move in with him. Victor would NOT go for that, but I'm certainly not commuting from New Brunswick to Queens. That would be four hours EVERY. DAY.
I just wish that something would throw itself in my lap and I could run with it and everyone involved could be happy. Don't even get me STARTED on how moving forward with Victor will ruin my friendship with Justin, which I really honestly cherish so much. I think I'm going to be completely pathetic and cry all day. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
"To truly love something, you must first give it a chance to fail. If it survives, it is going to be stronger than ever. Distance is pure proof of this, and forever we will love if we survive."
"One more day without you is one day closer to being with you."
I feel sort of empty today. It's overwhelming. I've said before, and I'll say again I'm trying so much harder at this than Victor. He's been gone for about a month now and everyday he seems further away. Of course, the distance shouldn't really make a difference... if we're really as in love as we tell each other and everyone else, the only things missing should be the physical things. But so much more than that seems to be gone.
I can't call him because his phone doesn't get service on that God-forsaken mountain and I think it would be weird to call the house line and ask for him when I've never met Karen or Alex. He calls me when it's convenient for him, which is sometimes 2 in the morning here, but of course it's worse when he doesn't call at all. He gets my text messages days, sometimes a whole week after I send them, so there's no real point to sending those either. I send him cute little emails when I know he's at work and I happen to be missing him at that moment and he never responds to them. The only positive thing we've got going between us is snail mail. I send one out on Monday, he gets it Thursday, he sends his out on Monday and I get it on Thursday...
I just feel so overwhelmed and empty and alone all the time. I'm having the hardest time making a decision about life come August 20th. I haven't even applied for the job in Burbank because while it would look awesome on my resume, I don't want to be there by myself... with no Victor and no friends. It took a really long time to realize that. So now, I've applied for a job in Denver, I'm going to call and "follow up" tomorrow, but as hard as I try to be optimistic, who wants to hire someone from another state that has NO experience? I probably would simply based on principal and the whole "I've been in your shoes" situation. Further than this job I have NO idea what to do.
I don't see myself staying in my apartment and still getting paid this shitty hourly rate with no health insurance and not a penny to save. I don't see myself living with my mom (and besides, what job could I get in Galloway fucking Township? I refuse anything less than something in my career or teaching. Sure, I merely lifeguard here, but I'm not MOVING HOME to do something that I'm already doing... trust me, it makes sense). Paul said he might be able to get me a job in the accounting department where he works in Queens.... which means I would have to move in with him. Victor would NOT go for that, but I'm certainly not commuting from New Brunswick to Queens. That would be four hours EVERY. DAY.
I just wish that something would throw itself in my lap and I could run with it and everyone involved could be happy. Don't even get me STARTED on how moving forward with Victor will ruin my friendship with Justin, which I really honestly cherish so much. I think I'm going to be completely pathetic and cry all day. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
"To truly love something, you must first give it a chance to fail. If it survives, it is going to be stronger than ever. Distance is pure proof of this, and forever we will love if we survive."
"One more day without you is one day closer to being with you."