doom of tuesdays
why is it always on tuesdays that john is upset about something? why is it that i always feel like i am just a huge burden on him...costing him money, taking up his space with myself and my 3 dogs, burning his time, stressing him out? i am not usually the main reason for him to be upset, but i know i don't help.
so about 10 minutes into fully waking up this morning i am a wreck. i am crying uncontrol-ably and thinking about the million things that i have done or can't do that john has to help me with. i feel like such an idiot. i can't take care of myself. i have so many things to pay every month and not enough money to pay them...even though i have a decent job. seriously, what the fuck is the point of all of this? my credit is so shabby that i will never get caught up. from what i have noticed, you have to HAVE money to get MORE money. but if you don't have money to start with, you are fucked! fuckity fucked fucked fucked mother fuckers.
i suck, i look terrible, my dogs need more time and attention that i don't have because i am trying to pay for them to stay alive, vets are WAY overpriced, i'm fat, i somehow don't have any clothing that is appropriate for anything, rant rant rant fucking rant. all i ever do is complain. fuck me. fuck this stupid fucking bullshit.
i just want to be happy and comfortable. apparently that is WAY too high of an expectation.
i want my dogs to have everything they need and want.
i want john to be happy and comfortable. i want to be a part of everything in his life, good or bad. i want to be able to provide enough to our relationship.
i don't want to feel like i feel right now ever again.
so about 10 minutes into fully waking up this morning i am a wreck. i am crying uncontrol-ably and thinking about the million things that i have done or can't do that john has to help me with. i feel like such an idiot. i can't take care of myself. i have so many things to pay every month and not enough money to pay them...even though i have a decent job. seriously, what the fuck is the point of all of this? my credit is so shabby that i will never get caught up. from what i have noticed, you have to HAVE money to get MORE money. but if you don't have money to start with, you are fucked! fuckity fucked fucked fucked mother fuckers.
i suck, i look terrible, my dogs need more time and attention that i don't have because i am trying to pay for them to stay alive, vets are WAY overpriced, i'm fat, i somehow don't have any clothing that is appropriate for anything, rant rant rant fucking rant. all i ever do is complain. fuck me. fuck this stupid fucking bullshit.
i just want to be happy and comfortable. apparently that is WAY too high of an expectation.
i want my dogs to have everything they need and want.
i want john to be happy and comfortable. i want to be a part of everything in his life, good or bad. i want to be able to provide enough to our relationship.
i don't want to feel like i feel right now ever again.