(no subject)
How much do I love Vice's Dos and Don'ts?
So much so that I'm going to pepper you with many that made my day.
*****
Do!
"We’d like to see an ultimate steel-cage death match between shorts with high heels and summer dresses with sneakers. You wouldn’t even know who to root for. "
Don't!
"Jigga, if you ain’t down with the black metal, progressive goth, magician, biker, cyclist, Irish, Native American, blacksmith ska pirate crew then you ain’t down with North Winnipeg."
Do!
"Back in the late 80s Mc Lyte and Queen Latifah had everyone dressing like they were in A Different World only gayer. Then Chuck D made everyone wear black. Then Kanye West threw some preppie on top. There. We’re done. "
Don't!
"When nerds dress up as scary monsters they look so much nerdier than before you don’t even want to wedgie them anymore. Like, you feel bad for traumatizing them. "
Don't!
"If all the “hot” normal girls knew how little we want to fuck them, they would shit a brick of coke."
Don't!
"They look like extras from an all-lesbian summer stock production of The Great Gatsby."
Do!
"You thought she’d left but she’s only ditched her friends and come back upstairs and now you are definitely going to fuck her tonight. This is how people marooned in shark-infested waters feel when they see the helicopters coming to save them."
Do!
"I guess he got so tired of everyone being like, "Hey Yan, what's your favorite food again?" that he just went ahead and printed up a t-shirt so from now on he can just point and make a face that means, "Here's your answer, dick.""
Don't!
"This has to be from France. Only a frog would be so into One World/One Love that he wouldn’t notice he’s dressed like a dirty toy that belongs to a kid with two dads. "
Don't!
""No, it's nice. There's all these young girls and the sun's not too bad... Oh, you meant me? I'm just the same old shitty Carl.""
Do!
"See what happens when you say no to flip-flops and hurt your feet a little? You go from a lazy bitch in her pajamas to a lady in red in her prime."
Don't!
"Whenever you see cereal boxes or frozen vegetables do “cool” they always have a big bear in a matching leather outfit and sunglasses making peace signs and you’re like, “Where the fuck do they get this shit from?” "
Don't!
"You can’t just slap a hat on your tits and call it a shirt. "
Do!
"Sometimes when we see sandals and cargo shorts and sluts in shirts that say “Diva,” we think nobody’s listening. Then Fast Times boner fantasies like these walk into the room and it’s like they’re mind readers. "
Don't!
"Japanese people professing to be “soccer fans” is like northern England yobs from Wigan starting ninja schools: so improbable that it makes our heads hurt."
Don't!
"Newsflash to the single guys who pay for festival tickets as soon as they’re announced.The devil finally made a rape kit you can fit in your back pocket!"
Do!
"I used to think leg men were fags but every once in a while you see a pair of stems that makes you understand why the 1950s won’t shut up about it."
A-frikkin-men!!
So much so that I'm going to pepper you with many that made my day.
*****
Do!
"We’d like to see an ultimate steel-cage death match between shorts with high heels and summer dresses with sneakers. You wouldn’t even know who to root for. "
Don't!
"Jigga, if you ain’t down with the black metal, progressive goth, magician, biker, cyclist, Irish, Native American, blacksmith ska pirate crew then you ain’t down with North Winnipeg."
Do!
"Back in the late 80s Mc Lyte and Queen Latifah had everyone dressing like they were in A Different World only gayer. Then Chuck D made everyone wear black. Then Kanye West threw some preppie on top. There. We’re done. "
Don't!
"When nerds dress up as scary monsters they look so much nerdier than before you don’t even want to wedgie them anymore. Like, you feel bad for traumatizing them. "
Don't!
"If all the “hot” normal girls knew how little we want to fuck them, they would shit a brick of coke."
Don't!
"They look like extras from an all-lesbian summer stock production of The Great Gatsby."
Do!
"You thought she’d left but she’s only ditched her friends and come back upstairs and now you are definitely going to fuck her tonight. This is how people marooned in shark-infested waters feel when they see the helicopters coming to save them."
Do!
"I guess he got so tired of everyone being like, "Hey Yan, what's your favorite food again?" that he just went ahead and printed up a t-shirt so from now on he can just point and make a face that means, "Here's your answer, dick.""
Don't!
"This has to be from France. Only a frog would be so into One World/One Love that he wouldn’t notice he’s dressed like a dirty toy that belongs to a kid with two dads. "
Don't!
""No, it's nice. There's all these young girls and the sun's not too bad... Oh, you meant me? I'm just the same old shitty Carl.""
Do!
"See what happens when you say no to flip-flops and hurt your feet a little? You go from a lazy bitch in her pajamas to a lady in red in her prime."
Don't!
"Whenever you see cereal boxes or frozen vegetables do “cool” they always have a big bear in a matching leather outfit and sunglasses making peace signs and you’re like, “Where the fuck do they get this shit from?” "
Don't!
"You can’t just slap a hat on your tits and call it a shirt. "
Do!
"Sometimes when we see sandals and cargo shorts and sluts in shirts that say “Diva,” we think nobody’s listening. Then Fast Times boner fantasies like these walk into the room and it’s like they’re mind readers. "
Don't!
"Japanese people professing to be “soccer fans” is like northern England yobs from Wigan starting ninja schools: so improbable that it makes our heads hurt."
Don't!
"Newsflash to the single guys who pay for festival tickets as soon as they’re announced.The devil finally made a rape kit you can fit in your back pocket!"
Do!
"I used to think leg men were fags but every once in a while you see a pair of stems that makes you understand why the 1950s won’t shut up about it."
A-frikkin-men!!