every time that i stare into the sun...
wow. i haven't updated in a long time. not that anyone really uses livejournal anyway anymore. except for a few people to whom i have either not spoken in a long time or to whom i was never really that close to begin with.
i have been through more in the past month than i can even really begin to explain or even understand myself. i got everything i wanted and then in a matter or weeks it was gone. someone stole my checks and has been fraudulently writing them in my name. my accounts are frozen. i lost my wallet. i got a new one and put my fake id in it and then i lost that one too after i got picked up by some guy on sunset blvd who i think now thought that i was a hooker. i met a guy and fell in love. and then he was gone. i met another guy who i thought could help me realize my musical ambitions of fame and insanity and then he was gone. some of it was my fault. some of it wasn't. i don't really know anything anymore. i thought for a long time that i did know exactly who i was. but over the past month i found myself in a place of inexplicable elation-- brief as it was- and then in the darkest rock bottom i have ever experience. i'm still there, in this dark place but i feel like i am on my way out of it. even though i am still up to my fucking neck in questions. all i do know is that everything i knew about myself, everything i've spent my entire life figuring out has been lost. and once again i'm starting all over again in a way i never have before. i can honestly say that i am not who i used to be. i know that after this past month i will never be who i was again. i don't know exactly what it is that has changed, i can not tell yet. but i know that after what i've just been through, NOTHING will ever be the same. i am left now to re learn everything about myself, everything i thought i knew, alone in a city where none of the people who helped me before can. i am truly on my own. i am terrified. i am scared fucking shitless. and as profoundly as this devastation has impacted me, as much pain as i am still in, i am doing everything i can to keep going. and i am. i'm trying to be optimistic just as i always have attempted. it's not always effective, least of all now but i console myself with thoughts that perhaps now i've paid my karmic debts. perhaps for all the bad things i've done to others, i am feeling what they did. maybe i'm a little closer to being even with lady fate. maybe this is god's way of telling me to get the fuck out of LA. maybe i've just been taught a lesson that i will later fully realize and appreciate. maybe i'm stronger, maybe i'm weaker. i don't know how i feel or who i am though and it excites me but it also numbs me. like being on lithium again. something powerful and real just happened. i just hope that i get let in on whatever it's supposed to be at some point in the near future. i am going back to new york in a few weeks for a visit. by the time i get back to LA i will have a better understanding, hopefully, very hopefully, of what i need to do with myself. until then i guess i can just wait to figure myself out on my own. i have a new name. no one knows who michael is in LA.
maybe that's good though because neither do i.
my expectations, wants and hopes have been diminished to a pile of broken questions.
i don't know what to expect. maybe that's it though, at this point quite frankly, i DON'T expect. i don't expect anything. my faith in others seems to have conflicted enormously with that which i had in myself. at this point it feels like i can only have one or the other. i can either plan to get myself home at the end of the night or rely entirely on someone else to get me there. i can either trust someone else or trust myself. i don't know which i prefer at this point. i don't know anything at this point because i don't trust myself or anyone.
i have been through more in the past month than i can even really begin to explain or even understand myself. i got everything i wanted and then in a matter or weeks it was gone. someone stole my checks and has been fraudulently writing them in my name. my accounts are frozen. i lost my wallet. i got a new one and put my fake id in it and then i lost that one too after i got picked up by some guy on sunset blvd who i think now thought that i was a hooker. i met a guy and fell in love. and then he was gone. i met another guy who i thought could help me realize my musical ambitions of fame and insanity and then he was gone. some of it was my fault. some of it wasn't. i don't really know anything anymore. i thought for a long time that i did know exactly who i was. but over the past month i found myself in a place of inexplicable elation-- brief as it was- and then in the darkest rock bottom i have ever experience. i'm still there, in this dark place but i feel like i am on my way out of it. even though i am still up to my fucking neck in questions. all i do know is that everything i knew about myself, everything i've spent my entire life figuring out has been lost. and once again i'm starting all over again in a way i never have before. i can honestly say that i am not who i used to be. i know that after this past month i will never be who i was again. i don't know exactly what it is that has changed, i can not tell yet. but i know that after what i've just been through, NOTHING will ever be the same. i am left now to re learn everything about myself, everything i thought i knew, alone in a city where none of the people who helped me before can. i am truly on my own. i am terrified. i am scared fucking shitless. and as profoundly as this devastation has impacted me, as much pain as i am still in, i am doing everything i can to keep going. and i am. i'm trying to be optimistic just as i always have attempted. it's not always effective, least of all now but i console myself with thoughts that perhaps now i've paid my karmic debts. perhaps for all the bad things i've done to others, i am feeling what they did. maybe i'm a little closer to being even with lady fate. maybe this is god's way of telling me to get the fuck out of LA. maybe i've just been taught a lesson that i will later fully realize and appreciate. maybe i'm stronger, maybe i'm weaker. i don't know how i feel or who i am though and it excites me but it also numbs me. like being on lithium again. something powerful and real just happened. i just hope that i get let in on whatever it's supposed to be at some point in the near future. i am going back to new york in a few weeks for a visit. by the time i get back to LA i will have a better understanding, hopefully, very hopefully, of what i need to do with myself. until then i guess i can just wait to figure myself out on my own. i have a new name. no one knows who michael is in LA.
maybe that's good though because neither do i.
my expectations, wants and hopes have been diminished to a pile of broken questions.
i don't know what to expect. maybe that's it though, at this point quite frankly, i DON'T expect. i don't expect anything. my faith in others seems to have conflicted enormously with that which i had in myself. at this point it feels like i can only have one or the other. i can either plan to get myself home at the end of the night or rely entirely on someone else to get me there. i can either trust someone else or trust myself. i don't know which i prefer at this point. i don't know anything at this point because i don't trust myself or anyone.