(no subject)
i'm so fucking sick of everyone i know.
well actually... not everyone... just a couple of them.
i'm sick of work
i'm sick of waiting
i'm sick of having to get up early every morning of my life
i'm sick of knowing i have to go back to school in the fall
i'm sick of people taking advantage of me
i'm sick of everyone's expectancy and the frequent waves in which it always comes.
i'm sick of having to accept everyone else's flaws because i know that most of them can't help it.
i'm sick of everyone else looking at me like i'm crazy/an asshole because i have plans toward which i am working endlessly and therefore don't have time to fiddly fuck around with them-- aka, hang out with them so they can smoke all my cigarettes and drink all my beer that no one ever seems willing to throw down for unless i'm not there to buy it for them.
i'm sick of people dissappointing me
and i'm sick of this place.
i'm ready to start my adventure.
so i'm biding my time by telling myself that in a way, i already have. because that's true. in a way i guess. the gears are turning.
more than anything though, i'm sick of being lonely.
and people looking around me instead of into me.
i'd really love for the right person to just see me for once.
and i'd love to be able to let myself slide into that state of acceptance equipped with an ability to settle for what i can get. a place where i can descend darkly into that distancing cynicism that those around me are so good at using. how nice to be so guarded. i'd like to be able to stop puting all of my hopes on one thing or one person turning out to be just what i wanted it or them to be. and to be content with being miserable. but unfortunately i can't put myself in that state of mind. i spent a lot of time there before. and now i don't think i could retreat to that even if i really did want to. because all this random/idealistic/unrealistic faith that i build up and have for those around me is bound to pay off at some point. i never expected that every person who i have allowed to dissappoint me would. but they did. but somehow that doesn't really stop me from commiting these massive amounts of hope and total belief in others and in my own ideas. bercause the way i see it one of these days one of these people i choose will actually meet those expectations in his or her own way. maybe even exceed them. i believe that to be true. i have to believe it. what else can i do at this point? i refuse to allow myself to recidivate to that previous state of stupid sixteen year old angsty, gratuitious self involvement that i seem to be one of the few to have grown out of. because it's harder to try and be happy. but it feels a fuck of a lot better than sitting around commiserating my life and talking about things i only wish i could do. fuck that.
my bags are packed dude.
i just have to wait awhile before i can take them anywhere other than downstairs.
well actually... not everyone... just a couple of them.
i'm sick of work
i'm sick of waiting
i'm sick of having to get up early every morning of my life
i'm sick of knowing i have to go back to school in the fall
i'm sick of people taking advantage of me
i'm sick of everyone's expectancy and the frequent waves in which it always comes.
i'm sick of having to accept everyone else's flaws because i know that most of them can't help it.
i'm sick of everyone else looking at me like i'm crazy/an asshole because i have plans toward which i am working endlessly and therefore don't have time to fiddly fuck around with them-- aka, hang out with them so they can smoke all my cigarettes and drink all my beer that no one ever seems willing to throw down for unless i'm not there to buy it for them.
i'm sick of people dissappointing me
and i'm sick of this place.
i'm ready to start my adventure.
so i'm biding my time by telling myself that in a way, i already have. because that's true. in a way i guess. the gears are turning.
more than anything though, i'm sick of being lonely.
and people looking around me instead of into me.
i'd really love for the right person to just see me for once.
and i'd love to be able to let myself slide into that state of acceptance equipped with an ability to settle for what i can get. a place where i can descend darkly into that distancing cynicism that those around me are so good at using. how nice to be so guarded. i'd like to be able to stop puting all of my hopes on one thing or one person turning out to be just what i wanted it or them to be. and to be content with being miserable. but unfortunately i can't put myself in that state of mind. i spent a lot of time there before. and now i don't think i could retreat to that even if i really did want to. because all this random/idealistic/unrealistic faith that i build up and have for those around me is bound to pay off at some point. i never expected that every person who i have allowed to dissappoint me would. but they did. but somehow that doesn't really stop me from commiting these massive amounts of hope and total belief in others and in my own ideas. bercause the way i see it one of these days one of these people i choose will actually meet those expectations in his or her own way. maybe even exceed them. i believe that to be true. i have to believe it. what else can i do at this point? i refuse to allow myself to recidivate to that previous state of stupid sixteen year old angsty, gratuitious self involvement that i seem to be one of the few to have grown out of. because it's harder to try and be happy. but it feels a fuck of a lot better than sitting around commiserating my life and talking about things i only wish i could do. fuck that.
my bags are packed dude.
i just have to wait awhile before i can take them anywhere other than downstairs.