(BN) "Monster Mash" (1/1) (PG-13) (Crack) (Gen with Michael/Fi overtones)
Hopeless crackfic written for comment_fic: Burn Notice; Michael, Fi, Sam, Maddie (any pairing welcome); one (or several!) of Team Awesome is a supernatural creature.
Michael didn't start asking questions until decapitated corpses started showing up in his dumpster. By then, Fi had an excuse ready.
"Only a cartel of drug pushers. It got a bit messy when they brought out the machetes."
He didn't bother questioning her. It was a busy week - two kidnapping cases, one robbery. When she parkoured her way across the rooftops of two buildings he should have suspected something but he was distracted.
But Michael couldn't ignore the events of the following night, when he woke up to a wolf lying at the foot of his bed, gnawing on a femur.
It growled at him when he drew his gun, showing remarkable fearlessness, bearing sharp white teeth and raised hackles at the sight of the piece.
He paused, recognizing her green eyes. "...Fi?"
The growling stopped, slowly. Then the wolf nuzzled his palm.
It took her an hour to switch back, after which Michael asked her how long this had been happening. "Since last week," she said, feckless in tone. "Never let a raver bite you during a full moon."
Michael frowned. "Fi.."
"I only eat the ones who deserve it." she smiled. "You know that, Michael..."
"Uh...I've got something to tell you...it's about Sam."
***
"You've a vampire?!" Fi cried out.
Sam glanced over his shoulder to make sure no one heard him. "No, I'm a reverse vampire," Sam explained patiently. "I can only go out in the sunlight."
"I can't believe it. I find myself turned into a frickin' werewolf and HE has to show me up by turning into a vampire!"
Sam rolled his eyes. "It's not something to get jealous over," he replied. "D'you think I like slipping Torey an extra fiver to drop a little O-Neg into my bloody marys every morning?"
"Oh, and do you think I like being a wolf every full moon? Do you think I want to wear a bloody fur coat in FLORIDA?"
"I could always ask my contact in Transylvania to get me a case of silver bullets," Michael offered dryly.
Sam tilted his head thoughtfully. "I guess that only leaves one question."
"Yeah! Which one of us would you rather have turn you, Michael?"
"What kind of question is that Fi? Mikey's gonna want to be a vampire! We have the power of smooth seductiveness AND boss flying powers."
"Michael, I'm your girlfriend. Wolves mate for life. If you have any questions at this point I'm going to have to remind you that YOU'RE still a human being!"
Michael answered them both by taking off his glasses and exhaling.
The jet of fire he blew didn't damage anything, but it did startle Fi and Sam into staying quiet.
Michael replaced his sunglasses. "Now. Who's buying?"
Michael didn't start asking questions until decapitated corpses started showing up in his dumpster. By then, Fi had an excuse ready.
"Only a cartel of drug pushers. It got a bit messy when they brought out the machetes."
He didn't bother questioning her. It was a busy week - two kidnapping cases, one robbery. When she parkoured her way across the rooftops of two buildings he should have suspected something but he was distracted.
But Michael couldn't ignore the events of the following night, when he woke up to a wolf lying at the foot of his bed, gnawing on a femur.
It growled at him when he drew his gun, showing remarkable fearlessness, bearing sharp white teeth and raised hackles at the sight of the piece.
He paused, recognizing her green eyes. "...Fi?"
The growling stopped, slowly. Then the wolf nuzzled his palm.
It took her an hour to switch back, after which Michael asked her how long this had been happening. "Since last week," she said, feckless in tone. "Never let a raver bite you during a full moon."
Michael frowned. "Fi.."
"I only eat the ones who deserve it." she smiled. "You know that, Michael..."
"Uh...I've got something to tell you...it's about Sam."
***
"You've a vampire?!" Fi cried out.
Sam glanced over his shoulder to make sure no one heard him. "No, I'm a reverse vampire," Sam explained patiently. "I can only go out in the sunlight."
"I can't believe it. I find myself turned into a frickin' werewolf and HE has to show me up by turning into a vampire!"
Sam rolled his eyes. "It's not something to get jealous over," he replied. "D'you think I like slipping Torey an extra fiver to drop a little O-Neg into my bloody marys every morning?"
"Oh, and do you think I like being a wolf every full moon? Do you think I want to wear a bloody fur coat in FLORIDA?"
"I could always ask my contact in Transylvania to get me a case of silver bullets," Michael offered dryly.
Sam tilted his head thoughtfully. "I guess that only leaves one question."
"Yeah! Which one of us would you rather have turn you, Michael?"
"What kind of question is that Fi? Mikey's gonna want to be a vampire! We have the power of smooth seductiveness AND boss flying powers."
"Michael, I'm your girlfriend. Wolves mate for life. If you have any questions at this point I'm going to have to remind you that YOU'RE still a human being!"
Michael answered them both by taking off his glasses and exhaling.
The jet of fire he blew didn't damage anything, but it did startle Fi and Sam into staying quiet.
Michael replaced his sunglasses. "Now. Who's buying?"