Thoughts
Well, now that the whole omg it's spring *boundless energy* thing has calmed down a little, I thought I should reassess mental state. XD And see if any of the changes stayed.
I can definitely say I'm doing better than I have been throughout most of this year. I'm feeling more like myself, that is. I'm not getting so irritated over small things or things that no one can help (e.g. having a paper to write, not being able to hang out, etc.) anymore--this, to me, is a very good sign, because the person I identify as 'myself' doesn't get angry that easily. It's immediately forgivable when we spend the whole meal talking about things I can't really contribute to. Or when I ask someone to hang out and they don't have time. It's not something I get upset with them over anymore, even internally where they can't hear.
To me, that does show stability. It shows that I'm no longer about to fall flat on my face, and inwardly begging anyone around me to notice and catch me before it happens. XD Not that I know how to ask for that sort of help all that well. I think that was a source of a lot of my anger...I was doing the best I could to ask for help, and no one was really stepping in and helping. I didn't know what else I could do ('could' being limited both by ideas on what to do, and by how far I could stand pushing my comfort zone at the time; severe instability is not conductive to pushing comfort zones safely, unfortunately). No, I'm not angry over this either, right now...I can see both sides, and I'm distant enough from it emotionally to look at it and say it's not really anyone's fault and couldn't really have been handled better without some kind of Quatre present. (I wish I had a Quatre. I really do. I feel like, of the five of them, he'd be the one I'd need to have around the most. >.> Not that it wouldn't be cool to have the others around, but I don't really *need* Heero's threats or Wufei's wj)
This doesn't mean my world is all sunshine and daisies, of course. (At least, now that the first drunken rush of 'spring' has passed, it isn't. XD) I do feel left out a lot, still....it just makes me sad, instead of irritated or angry. I can understand why it happens; I have obscure interests, and the things I really want to talk about end up boring most of the group, and I can pick up on that quickly enough that it takes away my enthusiasm for the already one-sided conversation. So, I don't talk about the things I'm really passionate about. But others don't have the same issue (I think due to a combination of more shared interests, and lower levels of sensitivity to others) and keep talking about their own interests...which, since I don't share those interests, leaves me often out of the conversation. It's not anyone's fault, it's just how things work out. But it makes me sad.
And then lately, I've just been feeling...a little down. Nothing major. Just...little things hurt more than they should, like if I feel like someone's not really listening to me, and sometimes I find myself just sort of staring off and wondering what's missing. I don't have a ton of motivation to do work, and I can't bring myself to really understand the whole idea of 'Finals approaching!!!', despite my oral tomorrow for Japanese and my final Thursday for Italian. It's not hard to cheer me up or snap me out of it; some praise, some joking around with my included in the joking, some conversation about something I'm interested in, all of those have been helping, at least in the short term. But...I guess I feel lonely, really. (Insert sad smile here--I can't figure out a smiley to convey that.) So in between moments of feeling noticed and cared for, I end up feeling pretty down and kind of empty. Worse if there are lots of people around, I think because when I'm actually alone there's a reason I feel alone. But once again, this isn't anyone's fault. I know everyone's really busy right now; I probably have the one of the easier finals period among us, just based on the classes I'm taking. And then there's still the lack of overlap in interests.
And I get that no one really has the energy to pay much attention to me, crappy as the idea makes me feel. It is work. And...if people decide I'm not worth the work right now, I can get that. (I'm not trying to be passive-aggressive, much as that last sentence looks it. I think I have an interesting type of self-esteem; I generally like myself and I think that I'm someone I'd like to know, but I also have trouble believing that anyone else would want to really know me or would actually think I'm worth putting effort in for. So, I can see that statement and not be even irritated at anyone, but still be generally targetlessly hurt by the perceived lack of caring.)
So. I'm far more myself right now than I have been for most of this year. I'm still hurting noticeably, but it's a stable sort of hurting, a constant rather than spikes and drops that knock me off balance. I...don't really expect to stop hurting, because for that to happen, either 1) I'd have to be around people willing to put in extra effort to include me in things, or 2) I'd have to suddenly find magic overlapping interests with people. I don't see either of those really happening anytime soon. It's like my tarot cards said yesterday. If I stick to my current friends, I'm resigning myself to being alone a lot of the time. If I try and find new friends, I'm taking a huge risk--possibly alienating or becoming less close to old friends--but there's really not a huge chance that things would be *better*; the odds are pretty good that I wouldn't run into a bunch of Quatres or a bunch of LOTR/Getbackers/psychology/dirty jokes/cuddle loving geeks all of a sudden, so I'd be (at best) in the same situation with different people. At least, this is what my cards tell me.
So...yeah. That about sums up my mood right now.
Oh! If anyone's wondering where all this came from, there's a post on WellesleyFML. About people ditching friends/being ditched by friends in times of need. And...it reminded me of this last year, in many ways. I've been on both sides of that this year, and it really is a terrible situation either way. I handled it badly. Others handled it badly. I suspect this is because there IS no good way to handle it....not that you can really be objective enough to tell as much, when you're stuck in it. I very much hope I don't get stuck in either position (that of being someone's main support and holding up two people, and also that of crumbling and needing to put all my weight on someone else) ever again, because it really, really sucks for both sides. There is no good choice to make. If you're the one crumbling...either you burden someone else too heavily for anyone to take, or you completely fall to pieces immediately. If you're the one supporting, either you agree to give that much support (very possibly crumbling your own foundation in the process) or you don't, either by giving partial support or none (and see the friend crumble and break down either way, and sometimes not even be able to do anything about it because you literally cannot hold them up anymore). It's no one's fault that those situations go so badly, I think. One side has an absolute need for the other, but the other often absolutely cannot meet that need; it's a situation designed for conflict, pain, anger, and betrayal. It sucks all around. That's all I can say on it.
I can definitely say I'm doing better than I have been throughout most of this year. I'm feeling more like myself, that is. I'm not getting so irritated over small things or things that no one can help (e.g. having a paper to write, not being able to hang out, etc.) anymore--this, to me, is a very good sign, because the person I identify as 'myself' doesn't get angry that easily. It's immediately forgivable when we spend the whole meal talking about things I can't really contribute to. Or when I ask someone to hang out and they don't have time. It's not something I get upset with them over anymore, even internally where they can't hear.
To me, that does show stability. It shows that I'm no longer about to fall flat on my face, and inwardly begging anyone around me to notice and catch me before it happens. XD Not that I know how to ask for that sort of help all that well. I think that was a source of a lot of my anger...I was doing the best I could to ask for help, and no one was really stepping in and helping. I didn't know what else I could do ('could' being limited both by ideas on what to do, and by how far I could stand pushing my comfort zone at the time; severe instability is not conductive to pushing comfort zones safely, unfortunately). No, I'm not angry over this either, right now...I can see both sides, and I'm distant enough from it emotionally to look at it and say it's not really anyone's fault and couldn't really have been handled better without some kind of Quatre present. (I wish I had a Quatre. I really do. I feel like, of the five of them, he'd be the one I'd need to have around the most. >.> Not that it wouldn't be cool to have the others around, but I don't really *need* Heero's threats or Wufei's wj)
This doesn't mean my world is all sunshine and daisies, of course. (At least, now that the first drunken rush of 'spring' has passed, it isn't. XD) I do feel left out a lot, still....it just makes me sad, instead of irritated or angry. I can understand why it happens; I have obscure interests, and the things I really want to talk about end up boring most of the group, and I can pick up on that quickly enough that it takes away my enthusiasm for the already one-sided conversation. So, I don't talk about the things I'm really passionate about. But others don't have the same issue (I think due to a combination of more shared interests, and lower levels of sensitivity to others) and keep talking about their own interests...which, since I don't share those interests, leaves me often out of the conversation. It's not anyone's fault, it's just how things work out. But it makes me sad.
And then lately, I've just been feeling...a little down. Nothing major. Just...little things hurt more than they should, like if I feel like someone's not really listening to me, and sometimes I find myself just sort of staring off and wondering what's missing. I don't have a ton of motivation to do work, and I can't bring myself to really understand the whole idea of 'Finals approaching!!!', despite my oral tomorrow for Japanese and my final Thursday for Italian. It's not hard to cheer me up or snap me out of it; some praise, some joking around with my included in the joking, some conversation about something I'm interested in, all of those have been helping, at least in the short term. But...I guess I feel lonely, really. (Insert sad smile here--I can't figure out a smiley to convey that.) So in between moments of feeling noticed and cared for, I end up feeling pretty down and kind of empty. Worse if there are lots of people around, I think because when I'm actually alone there's a reason I feel alone. But once again, this isn't anyone's fault. I know everyone's really busy right now; I probably have the one of the easier finals period among us, just based on the classes I'm taking. And then there's still the lack of overlap in interests.
And I get that no one really has the energy to pay much attention to me, crappy as the idea makes me feel. It is work. And...if people decide I'm not worth the work right now, I can get that. (I'm not trying to be passive-aggressive, much as that last sentence looks it. I think I have an interesting type of self-esteem; I generally like myself and I think that I'm someone I'd like to know, but I also have trouble believing that anyone else would want to really know me or would actually think I'm worth putting effort in for. So, I can see that statement and not be even irritated at anyone, but still be generally targetlessly hurt by the perceived lack of caring.)
So. I'm far more myself right now than I have been for most of this year. I'm still hurting noticeably, but it's a stable sort of hurting, a constant rather than spikes and drops that knock me off balance. I...don't really expect to stop hurting, because for that to happen, either 1) I'd have to be around people willing to put in extra effort to include me in things, or 2) I'd have to suddenly find magic overlapping interests with people. I don't see either of those really happening anytime soon. It's like my tarot cards said yesterday. If I stick to my current friends, I'm resigning myself to being alone a lot of the time. If I try and find new friends, I'm taking a huge risk--possibly alienating or becoming less close to old friends--but there's really not a huge chance that things would be *better*; the odds are pretty good that I wouldn't run into a bunch of Quatres or a bunch of LOTR/Getbackers/psychology/dirty jokes/cuddle loving geeks all of a sudden, so I'd be (at best) in the same situation with different people. At least, this is what my cards tell me.
So...yeah. That about sums up my mood right now.
Oh! If anyone's wondering where all this came from, there's a post on WellesleyFML. About people ditching friends/being ditched by friends in times of need. And...it reminded me of this last year, in many ways. I've been on both sides of that this year, and it really is a terrible situation either way. I handled it badly. Others handled it badly. I suspect this is because there IS no good way to handle it....not that you can really be objective enough to tell as much, when you're stuck in it. I very much hope I don't get stuck in either position (that of being someone's main support and holding up two people, and also that of crumbling and needing to put all my weight on someone else) ever again, because it really, really sucks for both sides. There is no good choice to make. If you're the one crumbling...either you burden someone else too heavily for anyone to take, or you completely fall to pieces immediately. If you're the one supporting, either you agree to give that much support (very possibly crumbling your own foundation in the process) or you don't, either by giving partial support or none (and see the friend crumble and break down either way, and sometimes not even be able to do anything about it because you literally cannot hold them up anymore). It's no one's fault that those situations go so badly, I think. One side has an absolute need for the other, but the other often absolutely cannot meet that need; it's a situation designed for conflict, pain, anger, and betrayal. It sucks all around. That's all I can say on it.