RECAP FILLER ENTRY
I found myself thinking just now: I'm a bit too deflated to really talk about a certain school-related situation in depth right now, but I haven't recapped my life in a while, have I?
Last year (2009) was a huge slap in the face. For a while I was happier than I'd ever been in my life, but the high very quickly fell downhill after having been abandoned AFTER having been raped (LONG story). I'd never been so suicidal before. I attempted to kill myself twice (although, one of the times was spur-of-the-moment/crazy/not planned) and sought regular counseling very soon after. I'm glad to say I'm much more sane now.
(I'd like to add that now, having had that experience, I understand the emotional turmoil extremely depressed people go through, however I still do not have any idea why such illogical thoughts and subsequent emotions flood the mind when in this state. Looking back now, I don't understand why I ever thought the world would be better off without me, but I've since read that it's an extremely common sentiment among suicidals ... during these episodes your mind simply doesn't work correctly, and it's bizarre looking back once you return to a more rational thought-process.)
I've been dumped by two shrinks (one of them twice) but continue to seek out regular shrink sessions; I have an appointment with a psychiatrist this week, WOO! First time visiting a psychiatrist, so I'm not sure how this will differ from previous shrink sessions. I find that over time I've come to have a much firmer grip on reality (despite having fanatical coping mechanisms) and have come to accept that there are issues I've carried my entire life that have surfaced and now have to be dealt with. I can't ignore them anymore so face them head-on. Well, mostly. One step at a time, right.
Since November I've been a stripper. Even one year ago from today I never thought I'd be doing this; it happened really quickly, and it's no secret that my choosing this definitely is related to issues being dealt with now, but anyways... I actually really enjoy it. I enjoy a degree of control that most other young people can't have and the actual act of dancing is genuinely fun - in fact, I prefer it if nobody's watching. I can have as many days off as I want, which is really great around midterms and finals time. I've met other girls with similar backgrounds who are getting along the best they can; it helps knowing other people are encountering similar struggles. (You can follow my strippa updates here: http://straddlingthepole.blogspot.com/)
At the beginning of this month I got extremely irritated with my (Russian Mafia) boss and quit. I made sure to be polite but stern, and everything went over very well. I was fortunate enough to get hired at another place and was scheduled to work the very next week. Initially I was excited to work and had fun but the high and excitement of "newness" has since left and now I'm in a mini culture shock stage, for lack of better words. I miss co-workers from my old club. :( I miss the feeling of acceptance and the friends I made, all the silliness that ensued from knowing the ropes. I know I'll eventually get there with my new workplace but it will take time. (This anomic feeling is why I haven't updated my blog in the past few weeks - sorry!)
On the academic-front, last year I officially switched my major to sociology. The field has, frankly, changed my life and I'm positive it's what I want to do for the rest of my life. In an effort to shape up and graduate by the end of next year, having just gotten through a train-wreck of a school year, grade-wise (depression is a bitch, let me tell you; my GPA is suffering for it), I'm taking three summer courses right now and am making every effort to participate and keep my professors in the loop about what's going on with me. I try to talk with them more than I would've in the past, and look for opportunities to talk in-depth about the subject they teach or even to work with them on a project. In a couple weeks I'll be e-mailing one of my previous profs on (hopefully) working at his non-profit org. Don't get me wrong; there are still some days I am just so lethargic, emo, and unmotivated to do ANYTHING... But I try to push myself anyways. I just can't guarantee I'll be in class ready to learn every day.
... Just as an aside, I'm currently taking Juvenile Justice and Juvenile Delinquency classes. Juvenile Justice is going to be a big challenge for me. Every week we're to go to the juvenile detention facility and interact with our assigned group of kids, who range from having committed murder to armed robbery, and everything in between. I got assigned to the ONE group I absolutely did NOT want - the young boys. They're mostly 11~15 years old, all developmentally young, all high energy and difficult to keep focused. Most of them are sex offenders.
I admit I'm nervous. If they act like typical middle school kids, which is what I expect, how can I still justify in my mind that these children really do belong in what is essentially prison despite what heinous crime they've committed? It's extra difficult for me as I don't believe people are naturally wicked (no, not even concerning prominent figures from last year), and I certainly don't believe they're born that way. I guess what I'm saying is I'm worried I will become attached, see them as human, and wish they weren't in juvie. Even though they very well might've ruined some poor victim's life. ARGH.
But anyways... we'll see what I can do.
As for Juvenile Delinquency, I was hesitant to join because it's a psychology class, and the professor specializes in developmental psychology - which means we'll have many differing opinions and theories as to why and how things happen as they do concerning people. Despite this I enrolled and have since reached a new level of appreciation for my professor. We talked for about an hour after class one day, as I told her, respectfully, how I feel about the subject we discussed in class as a sociologist. It's really difficult to explain, and really weird but somehow she made me realize that I ... err... I guess had a hole that I didn't know existed that needed to be filled (THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID SHUT UP BRAIN). All she did was express that she valued my opinion and the conversation we had, and that she evidently saw worth in me - she said we would definitely chat again and that she wanted me to keep her updated on my academic progress. She also didn't pity me at all when I mentioned my tough year, and she also mentioned that I *need* to stay in academia, that I *will* go to grad school. That evening I cried for hours and hours; even now I tear up thinking about it. It's an amazing feeling, feeling valued by someone you respect - it was something I'd completely lost from last year events.
As for all other areas of life I have been working to keep myself busy but also preparing for the future. Last year was a disaster and I want to put myself on the right track again. I tuck away money I've saved from working while giving myself an allowance ("play monies"!) and will soon be looking to recover my credit from the damages instilled from the mom (still working on paying off/closing accounts I had that she basically stabbed my credit score with)... trying to keep tabs on the sib and working on not being bothered by the mom's husband, although that has much to do with just removing unnecessary stressors from my life. I'm planning for grad school, and also planning to learn to bartend hopefully after summer session ends(!); I'd like to get a job that's fun, but especially one that I can actually write on a resume and receive a paystub for (very important!!). I do things to make myself happy, even if they are seen as ridiculous. I've been making sure I leave time to socialize, mostly drinking at bars, some drunk karaokeing, etc.
I do still get sad frequently, and I'm often exhausted and out of energy since I'm filling my schedule all the time, but all around? Things are much better now. I really take to heart something that was told to me last year: that things will get better. Just wait and see.
Edit: One more thing: In the past few months I've signed up to become a bone marrow donor. I highly recommend it, especially if you're part of an ethnic minority group - patients of ethnic minorities have a much smaller donor pool to rely on. Saving one life can save the lives of many others. :) Very rewarding, yo.
Last year (2009) was a huge slap in the face. For a while I was happier than I'd ever been in my life, but the high very quickly fell downhill after having been abandoned AFTER having been raped (LONG story). I'd never been so suicidal before. I attempted to kill myself twice (although, one of the times was spur-of-the-moment/crazy/not planned) and sought regular counseling very soon after. I'm glad to say I'm much more sane now.
(I'd like to add that now, having had that experience, I understand the emotional turmoil extremely depressed people go through, however I still do not have any idea why such illogical thoughts and subsequent emotions flood the mind when in this state. Looking back now, I don't understand why I ever thought the world would be better off without me, but I've since read that it's an extremely common sentiment among suicidals ... during these episodes your mind simply doesn't work correctly, and it's bizarre looking back once you return to a more rational thought-process.)
I've been dumped by two shrinks (one of them twice) but continue to seek out regular shrink sessions; I have an appointment with a psychiatrist this week, WOO! First time visiting a psychiatrist, so I'm not sure how this will differ from previous shrink sessions. I find that over time I've come to have a much firmer grip on reality (despite having fanatical coping mechanisms) and have come to accept that there are issues I've carried my entire life that have surfaced and now have to be dealt with. I can't ignore them anymore so face them head-on. Well, mostly. One step at a time, right.
Since November I've been a stripper. Even one year ago from today I never thought I'd be doing this; it happened really quickly, and it's no secret that my choosing this definitely is related to issues being dealt with now, but anyways... I actually really enjoy it. I enjoy a degree of control that most other young people can't have and the actual act of dancing is genuinely fun - in fact, I prefer it if nobody's watching. I can have as many days off as I want, which is really great around midterms and finals time. I've met other girls with similar backgrounds who are getting along the best they can; it helps knowing other people are encountering similar struggles. (You can follow my strippa updates here: http://straddlingthepole.blogspot.com/)
At the beginning of this month I got extremely irritated with my (Russian Mafia) boss and quit. I made sure to be polite but stern, and everything went over very well. I was fortunate enough to get hired at another place and was scheduled to work the very next week. Initially I was excited to work and had fun but the high and excitement of "newness" has since left and now I'm in a mini culture shock stage, for lack of better words. I miss co-workers from my old club. :( I miss the feeling of acceptance and the friends I made, all the silliness that ensued from knowing the ropes. I know I'll eventually get there with my new workplace but it will take time. (This anomic feeling is why I haven't updated my blog in the past few weeks - sorry!)
On the academic-front, last year I officially switched my major to sociology. The field has, frankly, changed my life and I'm positive it's what I want to do for the rest of my life. In an effort to shape up and graduate by the end of next year, having just gotten through a train-wreck of a school year, grade-wise (depression is a bitch, let me tell you; my GPA is suffering for it), I'm taking three summer courses right now and am making every effort to participate and keep my professors in the loop about what's going on with me. I try to talk with them more than I would've in the past, and look for opportunities to talk in-depth about the subject they teach or even to work with them on a project. In a couple weeks I'll be e-mailing one of my previous profs on (hopefully) working at his non-profit org. Don't get me wrong; there are still some days I am just so lethargic, emo, and unmotivated to do ANYTHING... But I try to push myself anyways. I just can't guarantee I'll be in class ready to learn every day.
... Just as an aside, I'm currently taking Juvenile Justice and Juvenile Delinquency classes. Juvenile Justice is going to be a big challenge for me. Every week we're to go to the juvenile detention facility and interact with our assigned group of kids, who range from having committed murder to armed robbery, and everything in between. I got assigned to the ONE group I absolutely did NOT want - the young boys. They're mostly 11~15 years old, all developmentally young, all high energy and difficult to keep focused. Most of them are sex offenders.
I admit I'm nervous. If they act like typical middle school kids, which is what I expect, how can I still justify in my mind that these children really do belong in what is essentially prison despite what heinous crime they've committed? It's extra difficult for me as I don't believe people are naturally wicked (no, not even concerning prominent figures from last year), and I certainly don't believe they're born that way. I guess what I'm saying is I'm worried I will become attached, see them as human, and wish they weren't in juvie. Even though they very well might've ruined some poor victim's life. ARGH.
But anyways... we'll see what I can do.
As for Juvenile Delinquency, I was hesitant to join because it's a psychology class, and the professor specializes in developmental psychology - which means we'll have many differing opinions and theories as to why and how things happen as they do concerning people. Despite this I enrolled and have since reached a new level of appreciation for my professor. We talked for about an hour after class one day, as I told her, respectfully, how I feel about the subject we discussed in class as a sociologist. It's really difficult to explain, and really weird but somehow she made me realize that I ... err... I guess had a hole that I didn't know existed that needed to be filled (THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID SHUT UP BRAIN). All she did was express that she valued my opinion and the conversation we had, and that she evidently saw worth in me - she said we would definitely chat again and that she wanted me to keep her updated on my academic progress. She also didn't pity me at all when I mentioned my tough year, and she also mentioned that I *need* to stay in academia, that I *will* go to grad school. That evening I cried for hours and hours; even now I tear up thinking about it. It's an amazing feeling, feeling valued by someone you respect - it was something I'd completely lost from last year events.
As for all other areas of life I have been working to keep myself busy but also preparing for the future. Last year was a disaster and I want to put myself on the right track again. I tuck away money I've saved from working while giving myself an allowance ("play monies"!) and will soon be looking to recover my credit from the damages instilled from the mom (still working on paying off/closing accounts I had that she basically stabbed my credit score with)... trying to keep tabs on the sib and working on not being bothered by the mom's husband, although that has much to do with just removing unnecessary stressors from my life. I'm planning for grad school, and also planning to learn to bartend hopefully after summer session ends(!); I'd like to get a job that's fun, but especially one that I can actually write on a resume and receive a paystub for (very important!!). I do things to make myself happy, even if they are seen as ridiculous. I've been making sure I leave time to socialize, mostly drinking at bars, some drunk karaokeing, etc.
I do still get sad frequently, and I'm often exhausted and out of energy since I'm filling my schedule all the time, but all around? Things are much better now. I really take to heart something that was told to me last year: that things will get better. Just wait and see.
Edit: One more thing: In the past few months I've signed up to become a bone marrow donor. I highly recommend it, especially if you're part of an ethnic minority group - patients of ethnic minorities have a much smaller donor pool to rely on. Saving one life can save the lives of many others. :) Very rewarding, yo.