It's been two years since my last confession
withstandinghell: i haven't allowed anyone to get close like that not even rob
XXXfirestarterxx: ....why
withstandinghell: it scares me i guess
withstandinghell: i went through a lot of pain
withstandinghell: i can't even describe how hard it was to get better.......
XXXfirestarterxx:
..[endif]-->
withstandinghell : i don't want to ever feel that again.........
XXXfirestarterxx:
i'm so sorry...
There it is....I can't love anyone right now.....I don't know how to do it without fearing the worst. I think of every thing negative. I'm letting the best thing I have had in a long time slip slowly away from me. I'm doing this because I lack the ability to trust anymore....sad isn't it?
I'm a terrible person. I have someone who loves me so incredibly deep,but I'm ruining it....for what? A chance to feel sexually satisfied? What the hell am I doing? There's things that I I'm not telling all of you because I can't decide yet what I want to do and I don't want other people influencing the decisons I make. This is something I have to fight truly alone...the decision determines my happiness, but finding out what actually makes me happy is the hard part. I don't know how long it will take or how it will effect me, I just know that right now.....It hurts like hell....I'm tearing myself apart....everyday. It's agonizing and I have no one that I can turn to about it. However, like I've already said, I don't want anyone to help me.
I've been begging him to change....and he's doing it little by little....it's my turn.....I'm just completely lost on how to make everything work the way it needs to for me to feel...complete.....for lack of a better word. This is one hell of a struggle.....probably my hardest yet....